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Diary of a Ninja

I have received such inspiration and hope from reading other people's stories that I wanted to start my own thread.

I am turning my life around and heading in the right direction instead of going in circles and fits and starts. Enough is Enough today.
I'm tired of the wrong voice in my head keeping me where I am.

A daily thread is going to make me accountable and also let me chart my progress....because I am going to make progress.I am rereading the RR Book again and the AVRT threads.

Today is 12/12/12/ and I can't wrap my head around the forever part yet......so instead of trying to figure that out.....I can wrap my head around being in the present moment and being mindful.
Every moment is now and I can commit to never now drink.

Thanks for listening. :c031:

So happy to see you here, Artemis. 'I will never now drink' is a superb Big Plan. I wish you the best success.

I am so proud of you!! :ghug3

What a great sobriety date Art :) x

Hi Artemis! How is your ninja-ness doing today? Inquiring minds would like to know.

ReadyandAble- I love the Ninja's!!! Thank you!!! :c031:

Fresh- Did you see the concert that had for me last night? The 12/12/12 concert??
I know they said it was for SANDY....but Sandy/Art...so close. :lmao

Today has been very productive. I walked the dog, cleaned the bathroom, went to the store and wrapped some presents for a friend who is "wrapping challenged." Many more things than I would have done if I was still listening to the backwards voice.

I thought today on my walk that I am going to try for progress not perfection now.
One of my main stumbling blocks in the past has been wanting to fix everything in a day or a week.
This isn't possible. You don't fix a twenty year mess in 24 hours.

So I would get completely overwhelmed, throw up my hands and do nothing. That has worked real well (insert sarcastic smiley).
I am practicing keeping an open mind and practicing staying in the present.

I have also been pondering the Quality of Life Question.
Not a hard answer in my case- this hasn't been quality- but I am present enough today to know I want quality...and stubborn enough that I am going to work for it this time.

Have a great night!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the title Art!

You can do this girl!

:ghug3

If ya need anything you know where to find me :)

I am so proud of you!

Ninjas are super cool...I'm one too (well ok just in my head).

You will never regret the decision to change your life for the better.

And you are fully capable of making any changes you wish. I'm excited for you :)

I agree, Art, I think this stage in our lives demands a certain stubbornness (I'm determined, you are stubborn, he is obstinate and that guy over there is a pig-headed idiot). We can demand this better existence, we can insist on our own measure of peace and beauty, and your share is considerable, Artemis. Onward!

Good Morning!!!

Stepping- Thank you and I hope you are off to a good Friday. :ghug3

Soberlious- I also am only a Ninja in my head....BUT..... I figured I have believed so many things in the past as truth- that were really just made up in my head....I can be a Ninja if I want to be!!!!!!

Fresh- Onward and Upward to you also(that is Engineery Speak).

I have already taken the dog for a 2 mile walk and it is cold outside!!!! 20 degrees. That woke me up.I wonder if they make Ninja thermals?

Now I am off to work on one more goal.

I let my depression take over my life this year and its contributed to many things.
I have a really hard time going to the store....it sounds silly but it's true. Its overwhelming and a lot of that is because I have avoided it. Most any store. Grocery stores seem to be the worst but the Mall is it's own special h*ll.
Fresh can attest to this as he was gracious enough to talk me through a panic attack earlier this year at Bed Bath and Beyond.
Thanks buddy.:ghug3
So my thought is the only way beyond this is through it.
I'm not up to the crazy weekend shopping yet so I am going this morning....back to the scene of the crime.... Bed, Bath and Beyond. I'm going to make myself walk through the store and just take it in. Concentrating on being present and being aware of how I am feeling and understanding my anxiety will not kill me.

Have a great day!
http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m...ey_zzninja.gif

Good Morning Ninja Art!!!!!!!

Hey, I got a thought. About the depression and anxiety. When i was drinking I honestly thought I should have been in a mental inst. bc both of those things were TERRIBLE in my head. I have to tell you Art...when I stopped drinking after about 2 weeks I was amazed BOTH of those vanished from like 567% to like not kidding .567%. Give your body time to heal. If you feel you need to talk to a doctor about meds..do it hun! Whatever helps you live the best SOBER life you can. Time like I said helps a lot too! Sober time behind your belt makes you feel like a new...scratch that ...make you feel like the person God intended you to be! Keep going Art! I am very proud of you! If you don't feel like going to the store today ...well dont! Shoot these holiday shoppers are enough to drive anyone into a panic attack. I have been there! I know how it feels. It does get better :)

Quote:

So my thought is the only way beyond this is through it.

I agree. Learning to be fearless has been more challenging than anything in my life...and more liberating than anything else too. I've read tons on this, but In the Face of Fear: Buddhist Wisdom for Challenging Times is one I'm reading now. Maybe you will find it helpful...I have.

"Do the Thing You Think You Cannot Do." no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to others, stepping little by little out of my comfort zone has enabled me to be free.

So proud of you. Stroll through the Bed, Bath, and Beyond like you own it!!

ah ha! Found ya!

First and foremost, hang in there! Anytime that sneaky voice speaks up SQUISH IT! I used mental imagery to help me. I used to imagine that I locked that stupid monster voice inside a old black box. If the little monster started up I would SIT on the box. LOL
That sounds funny but it's what worked for me! I think we find our own ways of coping. Next I found two "addictions" that never really turned into actual addictions but they helped me cope during tough times. Espresso and Peppermint patties. Hubby knew that if at 5p I was reaching for a cup of espresso and a peppermint patty from the freezer then I was having a tough moment. He would see me lightly shaking, not from actual physical addiction but the actual struggle not to think about alcohol, especially when I had a tough day at work and hubby and I were arguing.
Also, some good reading that sometimes reminded me of what I was working to achieve.
Saturation by Jennifer Place is a really good one that I connected with (even though our lives were completely different)

Remind yourself constantly WHY you are doing this. Whether it's here so you can come back to read it, or on your fridge or whatever.
I don't know if you were like me, if you had a "witching hour". Mine was between about 430p to 7p. After that it would just fade away like a bad dream (only to repeat the very next night)
So the trick always for me was to just get past that time period. No matter what it would take.
And I would completely stay away from anywhere that I could purchase alcohol during that time period in the beginning. Now a days I can run to the shoppette here at 5p, walk right down the liquor aisle and it doesn't bug me....much. But I do have my moments.
Hang in there!!!!!!
:ghug3 :ghug3 :ghug3

NinjaGoddess, you are FANTASTIC. :ValA006:

You rock Arty, I'm so very proud of you! I'm sending you Ninja Strength my friend and tons of love. :)

:ghug3

Best Wishes To You!

artemis, you are a true ninja - you just ninja'd me and i still can't work out where you struck from.

power to the ninjas!

Just wishing my favorite Ninja a good, sober, fun filled day!

:ghug3

Hello-

Stepping- Thank you for your kind words. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens. I 100% agree with you that it gets better without alcohol. I have had periods of sobriety so I have experienced that. My depression has never completely gone away in my adult years BUT but being sober does lessen it by a huge amount.

Early this year some things changed and I.... I can't articulate this....I fell apart, I got to a truly dark hopeless place. I kept trying new medicine. I was sober.Sometimes the medicine made it worse and I was still filled with this horrible darkness.

Instead of giving it time or doing something different I gave up. I was tired of fighting and just done. I drank to rest? That is a question for myself. I'm working this out as I write this... No, I drank to not exist.
I just did not want to be anymore. I wanted to scratch my nails down my face;I wanted out of inside of me. Passing out was an escape.
I threw alcohol gas on my depression fire. I understand that.
I am not making excuses. The RR book says the only reason you drink is because you like it.
I did. I chose it.I did it because I liked the feeling- I liked the floaty escape. I own that. Those were my choices not excuses.

That was in past.

Now, I am working with my doctor on medicine and I am sober.

I recently started working with a therapist who said something that hit home. All these years I have wanted the depression to go away. She said it might not. You have to have tools for the times it does not. That seems like a simple statement but it knocked me over. I have always felt I could "think my way out of it". Would I expect someone else to do it? Of course not. But I thought I was "Terminally Unique" in that area.

I have come into the light and will deal with it without the addition of alcohol.
Let me rephrase that. I am trying to come into the light. The non negotiable part of that sentence was the alcohol.

Soberlicious- Thank you for the reading suggestion. I have been studying Buddhism in the last year.
I would like to be able to tell you I rocked Bed Bath and Beyond. The truth is my first stop at KMart was a hugeeee test. I got one thing!!!! One thing.
Art, the clever Ninja, goes into Stealth mode and goes to the jewelry counter to avoid the huge lines. She is breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. She is chanting "you can do this...almost done". The clerk rings up my ONE thing and the price is wrong. It over rings for $23.
OK, I am done with mindfulness.
Good effort but this is just too much and I will try again tomorrow.
I say to the clerk "Can you just void it out? It's OK, I don't want it".

And the Universe laughs :lmao ...... The clerk informs me no, she cannot just void it. She has already put it on my card and she does not have the ability to do anything except send me to the customer service line...........which as I look over, has literally 12 people waiting. My breathing is fast and quick and I am starting to sweat and consider just running out the door with my purchase.
I stay. I get in line and tell myself if Rain Man buys his underwear at Kmart I can do this.
I did!! It was hard and it was nerve wracking. The clerk had to drag me all the way to the back of the store so I could show him where the item is so he can refund my money. BUT.... I did it.!!!!
After that my shopping bravado was done done done. Bed Bath and Beyond will be my next attempt.

Munchkin- Thank you for all your suggestions and support. I am sooooooo proud of your one year Anniversary!!! You rock!!

And thank you to the rest of my SR family who has sent encouragement. I love you all.

When I arrived home I read the news about the school shooting.
I am no more eloquent than the news reporters who keep saying there are no words. Horror, disbelief, shock and such overwhelming sadness. At that moment my AV popped up and told me I didn't have to feel these things, the answer was to grab a bottle of wine. To numb out and run away.
So many things ran through my mind.The first was "What is wrong with me? I didn't lose a child and I want to get drunk????".

Then I got angry, really REALLY angry at my AV.
I said "Are you KIDDING me???? What the hell is wrong with YOU???? YOU go crawl in a bottle of wine!!! "

This was huge for me. It was the first time I have truly been able to separate. I have always thought all my thoughts are me and I was less of a person or lacking in character for having them.
To be able to yell at this voice, to separate felt good. It felt freeing.
I said to it " go do what you want you, MORON, I am going to deal with it differently".

That being said, I was still at a loss how to deal with my feelings....and I still am this morning. The choice I made was to go to church....which is an interesting one for me. I do not want to debate religion with anyone because I can not tell you how I feel. I was raised Catholic but in recent years have explored other beliefs.

I do not know what I "believe In" that is still something I am figuring out. All I know is that I needed something and I chose to go to Church, a choice I have not made in years. I am grateful that I listened to how I felt instead of how my AV felt.

Have a great day!!!

Stay strong ninja Artemis.

And thank you for sharing. "I drank to not exist"... this is something you're not alone with. It's an evil feeling. But you can kick its ass.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARTEMIS (Post 3719757)

Way to go Art!!! Keep it up! I'm not going to say "Every day will get easier" because that always seemed trite and not really the truth but over the long run it will get easier and easier to ignore the AV (or as I call it, my little monster)

This is big, Art, this is huge, and for a couple of reasons. You set yourself that goal and not only accomplished it, you beat it right flat into the ground. Things proved to be more challenging than you had imagined, but that did not affect your resolve.

I was shaken by the tragedy you referred to, and there was a ping for me too. But these days I know that I am 'supposed' to feel sadness and grief and anger at times, and this was one of those times. I don't need to pray for strength for me, I don't need to speak with an 'advisor', and I certainly don't need to drink.

You have shared some deeply personal things, a big step toward accepting you as you are, without judgement. There are some great things about you, Artemis, and I know you will come to appreciate them as we do. Onward!

Quote:

I would like to be able to tell you I rocked Bed Bath and Beyond.

so what...you rocked the KMart instead. That is exactly what you did.

Quote:

My breathing is fast and quick and I am starting to sweat and consider just running out the door with my purchase.
I stay.

This is key. You pushed through the fear. This is how change begins. This is how fearless ninjas are born ;)

and yeah...The AV really is an opportunistic bast*rd. Nothing is sacred...it will use even the worse of tragedies toward it's own agenda. Good thing you've got it's number...

Greetings from Ninja Camp!
Thank you all for your supportive comments. When I doubt myself I remember your words and they give me strength.
Yesterday I watched the news for most of the morning and then had to stop because it was so sad.
I walked the dog 2 miles....even though I did not want to...:dance3:!!
Did the dishes and colored my hair. Ta- da!!
Then I watched Toy Story 2 in an effort to cheer myself up. It helped.
Yesterday I also said no. Which is new/hard for me. I was invited to a dinner hosted at a club with a bar. I didn't debate with myself if I wanted a drink or not. I chose not to put myself in an environment where it would be a question. I also cut myself some slack on that decision. Have I decided not to drink again? Yes. However, I am new at it. I wouldn't enter an ice skating competition the first week I learned how to skate.

Today is again dark and cold and spitting snow. The darkness is really, really hard for me. It increases my depression. Some days I think of it like a large monster that is chasing me.
I am trying to stay a few feet ahead of the monster today. I do not watch the show Survivor but I am trying to apply their motto... Outwit, outplay, outlast. That is what I am going to do.

I have taken the dog for a 2 mile walk at the local golf course.It is sooooooo cold. But I did it. :c031: My nose looks like Rudolph. I have my lightbox on and the music is on. Just keep moving and not giving in.

Everyone have a good day- I will check in later.
http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m...ey_zzninja.gif

That's great that you decided to remove yourself from temptation. It'll help you right now. You don't need any form of temptation now.
Over time you will get more accustomed to battling that stupid AV. In the meantime, hang in there.
BIG HUGS TO YOU!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ARTEMIS (Post 3719757)

The first was "What is wrong with me? I didn't lose a child and I want to get drunk????".

Then I got angry, really REALLY angry at my AV.
I said "Are you KIDDING me???? What the hell is wrong with YOU???? YOU go crawl in a bottle of wine!!! "

This was huge for me. It was the first time I have truly been able to separate. I have always thought all my thoughts are me and I was less of a person or lacking in character for having them.
To be able to yell at this voice, to separate felt good. It felt freeing.
I said to it " go do what you want you, MORON, I am going to deal with it differently".

!!

WOW! I have honestly never thought about being able to do that one day...to separate that little voice out, to treat it as the independent killer it is. Thank you for sharing this! Man, I love it here. :)

Yep. Kevah, that alcoholic gerbil that keeps yammering? What a pile of hooey that comes out of that miserable critter. There is a very cool thing that happens when you can pick out that particular gerbil from the herd - you recognize it for what it is. It's nothing more than that urge to get drunk again, and again and again. That alcoholic gerbil will keep burping and barfing as you circle the drain, closer and closer to a horrible conclusion.

You don't want a drink, IT wants a drink, and you don't have to do what it says for another minute. IT has the cravings for alcohol, not you. Observe, recognize and separate. You can do it every time, and you can stay sober for good.

You can do this right now, Kevah, not at some time in the future. Just google Alcoholic Gerbil Recognition Technique. Actually, it will be easier to find if you look for Alcoholic Voice Recognition Technique, and read the Crash Course in AVRT. It made a lot of sense to me.

Look at my little rudolph go, go, go!!!!!! I

Keep it up Art!!!!!!:herewego

NINJA POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:scoregood

:ghug3

Ninja the evil gerbil!

Quote:

Originally Posted by stepping (Post 3721861)

Look at my little rudolph go, go, go!!!!!! I

Keep it up Art!!!!!!:herewego

NINJA POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:scoregood

:ghug3

Too cute! Love it!
Ninja power. LOL