Big Plan tanks
 

So scared.

My beloved father has stroked and is almost vegetative, my 92 y.o. Mom will need to move into assisted living. My older sister and brother are hanging onto me like I am now the Patriarch of the family. I feel their talons clawing into me. I have always been the baby of the family....now I am in charge????

Overdosing on work - this is the busiest time of the year for me. My admin. assist. had a pulmonary emboli and is out for an unknown period of time. Papers to write, edit, schedule, clinical, patients, patients, people hanging on me to do something for them. To help them. To fix them.

I am drinking. Small amounts, only at night, when everyone is in bed. Hiding it. Drinking does not make my burden less, it increases it. I know this.

I am so scared. My strength is being smothered by anxiety, obligations and worries.

I can not go back to where I was a year ago - suicidal, depressed beyond comprehension. My husband is buying a gun - he wants to take shooting lessons. If I go back to where I was a year ago, I will put it to my head and pull the trigger.

Maybe posting this will help me. I LOVE sobriety and am so scared. I have told my psychotherapist - she is helping me help myself.

Thanks for listening.

Pam:c020:

That is an awful lot going on for you. Just remember that drinking will not make it better! Remember what you yourself said above...."I LOVE sobriety.....".
Just because you are scared doesnt = drinking. You can do this, and life will always have its ups and downs....actually, it is one way to know you are still very alive and kicking, which is a good thing. :)
Can you tell your husband you are not comfortable with him buying a gun?
Also, take a look at your own signature...tis a good one ;).
I have faith you can do this.

I'm so so sorry to hear this sad news, Pam. I wish it all wasn't happening. I'm so happy to hear you've reached out to your psychotherapist, and you're sharing here now. These reach outs are so very important and wise.

Not that anything anybody says is magically going to change things, it's in the sharing that burdens are often lightened, and fresh eyes and ears can often create new ideas and greater awareness of available choices.

Those little drinks, little sips, are not the best choice, as you already know. It's fear that makes us do what we know dosen't help, because sometimes all we have is wanting to just feel less hurt, less scared.

I understand your scared, and you know it yourself. You also know you've had better days, feeling less scared, and those feelings are there inside you too. You have real courage, Pam. You do.

Externally, things are very stressed and serious, and stretched. You can give yourself a break by not being overly responsible for everything that is being piled onto you. Sure, you do have professional and family obligations and responsibilities, and these must be met, but I feel like you are doing more than your share, taking on more then is reasonable.

I would hope you can delegate some of the required efforts to resolve the ongoing challenges. There is no need to suffer this much, Pam. None of us are one-man-armies. We are not machines, as you know all to well.

I hope resolutions come about ASAP, Pam.

Tou are facing difficult times. Try to put things in compartments. Address them one at a time instead of looking at everything at all at once. The big monster of problems will become litle monsters instead. You sound like someone that expects performance in all aspect of you life. Sometimes you have to neglect things. Like work for example, no one will die if you don't manage to land all delivrables.

Remember you are only human, take time for YOU.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. AA helped you in the beginning when you last got sober. Perhaps is might help again. What happened to the swimming? That seemed like it helped quite a bit also. Best wishes.

Hi Pam

I'm really sorry you're going through all that - I really encourage you to get as much support as you can - to that end, I hope you'll at least look at this link - there's so good reading and great links for crisis lines there:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I know it may feel like it's the only thing you have that makes even a little difference - but drinking's not an solution - it's a lead lifesaver.

Please...do reach out, Pam.
Best wishes for you and your family.

D

Pam,

So sorry to hear that your burden is so heavy right now. You must be terribly overwhelmed.

I'm glad, though, to hear that you've told your therapist what is going on as well as writing here. This means you know what to do and are doing it. I hope you can nip this in the bud. You love sobriety...and you can get back there.

I also wonder if there is a way to not have a gun in the house? Not because I think you are going back where you were...but simply because having it there is perhaps another pressure you don't need.

Pam, not much I can add to what these folks have already said. But posting here, talking to your therapist—you rock. Keep reaching out whenever and wherever. :)

You know what to do as far as the bottle goes; you know sobriety makes everything more manageable, including the really bad stuff. Especially the really bad stuff. My dad's dying; docs give him a few months at most. It's tough, I know. Don't make it any tougher on yourself, OK?

Hi Pam,

It looks like the normal flow of time has abruptly handed you the baton and you ARE in charge. But it probably wasn't totally unexpected.

I'm the "recovered alcoholic" in my extended family so when family seeking help along that line comes up, I put on the "in charge" hat and, for that issue, put family relations in the background. It sounds like that's what your doing with your extended family about your parents. It can be tricky being a participant and a doctor at the same time, (I'm from a family of doctors) but it's not unusual - it must happen to every doctor at some point.

In the times I've been challenged as you are now, I turn that fear into
1- competent excitement to grab that baton and run like the wind directly into the challenges
2- acceptance of imperfection or even failure (it can be very educational)
3- and some of it I talk about and use sharing some honest anxiety to get people to help me, delegate authority to others.

Your Beast is loving that your drinking successfully so far.
Your AV is telling you booze is the perfect excuse for not managing.
Your AV is telling you booze is better than dabbling into the medicine cabinet.
Your AV is telling you that you are smart enough to keep out of trouble from drinking - unless you get called on it - then use it as an excuse.

All of these lines of AV thinking have their own logic, and people use them all the time. But your knowledge of AVRT sees through this temporary logic to the truth that connecting unpleasant changes in your life with getting zoned out on alcohol is counterproductive.

In the end we must rely on ourselves, but with me, it's enjoying loving and helping others, and seeing some of those people love and help me, that makes me happy. But I don't rely on worrying what others think about me nearly as much as I used to - and what a relief that is.

GT

I'm saving this as a snippet, thank you!

Sorry to go slightly OT but I am a “born” worrier but am slowly learning that I can change my perception of a problem and turn it around.