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Bad news - what to do?

Old 11-21-2012, 04:57 PM
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Bad news - what to do?

I got some really bad news about the health of a family member today.
This has been an ongoing battle, but this is the first time I have had to face a turn for the worse sober.
Fortunately, the last few months have been good news, but boy was the beast raising its head this afternoon.

I'm not going to drink, today, or at all for that matter, but I have no idea how to cope with the uncertainty, the sadness, the bad news.

I'm just so used to numbing myself, and this is a big hurdle after a lot of loss already this year.

Any suggestions?
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:09 PM
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I'm so sorry for your situation. Being numb is not a way of dealing with things, rather it's not dealing with things. Being free of drugs or alcohol will likely allow you to cope with the situation in a healthy manner for you. Now that I'm clean, I'm having to deal with some personal loss that I buried due to my using. Better to face it head on with a clear head. You recognized the beast for what it is. You are stronger than you realize!
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:13 PM
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I have had some bad news about 2 of my family members lately too so I understand your dilemma. I just keep telling myself that these people that I love want me sober....and dont want their sickness to worsen my issues. I try and tell myself it would be selfish for me to drink...that thats what the beast wants and it is using this situation to try and attack.
Sorry to hear of your news . Hang in there buddy!
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:38 PM
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Similar then the others, you know What drinking will add to this.

In life, we don't have much choice on many things. Drinking is not one.
We are here with you, good times and sad times.
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Old 11-21-2012, 08:07 PM
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When the saddest and worse times in life come, that's when I really get disgusted with the beast. What kind of an opportunistic bast*rd would use the pain of a loved one to it's advantage? The beast that's who. You have rightly identified and ignored the AV. Very good on you!!

Coping with sadness is another thing altogether, something that people struggle with all the time. Feeling unable to cope is not exclusive to the formerly addicted...all humans wrestle with strong and painful emotions. For me, I try not to run, hide, fight, but rather just sit with the pain. There have been times I have felt like I would surely die from the sadness, but I remind myself that I will not and it will pass. I may also do things that feel good like a hot bath, or running, or super strong hot tea...but really, the only way out is through. It feels good to be able to weather the storms with clarity. I agree with Arrdubya...you are absolutely stronger than you realize.
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Old 11-21-2012, 08:43 PM
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Thanks for the replies. I am literally looking for things to do, physically.
Just have to create new habits. Takes time.
I used to act like I was ok with uncertainty and things up in the air, but sober, honestly, not so much.
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Old 11-21-2012, 09:12 PM
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A suggestion is to find something you are passionate about and dive into it. It could be some sort of volunteer work, physical fitness, or a hobby.

Bottom line find something you can pour yourself into without an alcohol association.
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Old 11-22-2012, 04:15 AM
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doublebarrell,, my thoughts are with you,, i cannot offer anymore,, but i feel for you,, and you are an inspiration to me,,, you are strong, brave and very lovely,,, lv cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:32 AM
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DoubleBarrel,

Sorry I didn't pick up on this thread earlier.

I am going through something similar in my own life.

I have been free of my addiction for a long time now so the thought of drinking over the situation has not been a problem. But there was a time when it would have, and although I am not currently considering numbing my pain through alcohol, I find myself wanting SOME form of escape...not all the time, just some of the time, long enough for me to gather my strength for further onslaughts.

What helps me is to make sure I get enough sleep (that is an easy thing to forget!), some moderate exercise, and take some time every day for myself (even if it's not a long time).

I also try to remember that in many ways it is an honor to be able to support someone in their time of need. When I was addicted I would not have been able to do this. I would have run like the wind....but now I am able to do what needs to be done.
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Old 11-22-2012, 02:46 PM
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I am really just trying to focus on what I can change, mainly myself.
I know one way to honor him is if he could die knowing I'm not (or no longer) a drunk.
So I plod along.
Thanks for the suggestions. I have honestly so many things to do, so many unfulfilled half started hobbies, and now I'm sober, can think clearly about them.
Yesterday was a big blow, but I'm moving forward.
With gratitude.
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Old 11-22-2012, 03:13 PM
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In the past, when I had bad news about someone it became all about me. How sad it made me, how upsetting I found the diagnosis. How hard I found their illness to cope with.

It was not about me.

That just gave me a reason to drink.

I never thought about how their children coped. How their husband/wife felt. How they coped with hospital appointments, funeral plans, the practicalities of being ill.

It was just all about me. Which then gave me a massive excuse to drink myself stupid.

I know realise that it is not all about me and there is always something I can do to help.
And there is never a reason big, bad, sad or mad enough that excuses me to get drunk.
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Old 11-22-2012, 03:47 PM
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Sorry to hear that DB. I have been having similar thoughts today after attending the funeral of my aunt. When my dad died I drank. It's all I knew. So different from the way my cousins were today, and quite frankly I'm ashamed of myself. I don't know how people deal with this sober... I was going to look into it so I know what to do next time! My thoughts are with you x
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Old 11-22-2012, 06:35 PM
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I think excessive grief may be our AV talking. As if a drink or a drug is going to change anything. I know that one thing we use to talk about was acceptance, acceptance without approval. Life happens and I don't like it, but just about everybody I know that is getting older has lost a parent or two.

A young lady who works for me recently lost her father, who was a good friend of mine. She is using it as an excuse to indulge herself with pain pills, a solid form of alcohol. I too grieved, but I know that I can do nothing to bring him back and must accept it, just like I have to accept my own death when it comes. When I die, I don't want the life I could have lived flash before my eyes. I don't want any regrets and it it time for me to grow up. I have many people depending on me.

Drinking or using is a losing proposition for me, therefore I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.
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Old 11-22-2012, 10:59 PM
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My dad passed away a year ago in July. As he lay dying in the hospital I bent over him, tears running down my face, and told him I would make him proud of me. Then I went on a year long bender, not one sober day in 13 months. Eventually my anger and sorry sort of burnt itself out. I realized destroying myself with booze wasn't going to help me and certainly wouldn't make my dad proud. That was one of the things that gave me the strength to quit.

I wish I could say something helpful, but I really can't. I don't believe in God, I don't think there's a plan for our lives. I don't hold out any hope that he's "in a better place" or that I will see him again some day. What I believe is that those we love live on literally in our hearts and memories. If I can clean up my act and live my life half as well as he did, part of him will live in me.

I do hope at least that your family member can take comfort in your presence, and if they are to leave this mortal coil hopefully they will do so knowing that you're going to be okay.
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Old 11-27-2012, 02:06 AM
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Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus View Post
.

I wish I could say something helpful, but I really can't.


I don't believe in God, I don't think there's a plan for our lives. I don't hold out any hope that he's "in a better place" or that I will see him again some day. What I believe is that those we love live on literally in our hearts and memories. If I can clean up my act and live my life half as well as he did, part of him will live in me.

.
All of that is helpful. Thank you, because I hate all the platitudes people say.
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