Blogs


Notices

Struggling with Anger

Old 11-14-2012, 05:59 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Do You Believe
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 112
Struggling with Anger

Ok. I am having a really hard time tonight. Not with drinking but with my feelings of anger over an incident that occurred over dinner. First let me say that I am an intensely private individual. My wife made a comment to her mother at dinner with the family that she hopes that a certain couple would not come over to our house for Thanksgiving (as they drink a lot), given the current situation and then pointed to the wine glasses that they were drinking from. Obviously insinuating that my drinking may return. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and I had an intense feeling of anger.

I know it is not necessarily right. I have been reflecting on this. I don't know if this is the AV. It is not driving me to drink or asking me to. I have looked into the ABC's from SMART Recovery and and trying to place it in the correct perspective. I am sure this is irrational, but it really got me spun up. I am having a hard time letting it go. My AV may be lurking somewhere in these thoughts but can't separate the feelings.

Any thoughts? I am very confused.
dybehfar is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dybehfar For This Useful Post:
HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012)
Old 11-14-2012, 06:45 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA.
Posts: 235
You have to move past it, now, not later. What she said hurt, because it's true. She cares for you and doesn't want someone who drinks heavily to be around you. Could she have been a little more discrete with her comment? Sure, but look at her motivations. It was not intended to hurt you, quite the contrary, it was to protect you.

The pain might be coming from the brutal honesty of the moment. Get through this though, immediately. Go hug her and thank her for what she did. Turn this around, despite how much pain that may cause you. It's hard, but this is the road we have ahead of us, lot's of difficult moments and situations to struggle through.

Good luck, don't drink.
vinyl is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to vinyl For This Useful Post:
awuh1 (11-15-2012), azureseas (11-14-2012), dybehfar (11-14-2012), HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), Kateg (11-30-2012), pooky (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012)
Old 11-14-2012, 06:52 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Do You Believe
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 112
I think I just needed to write it down to get it off my chest. But Vinyl, your post is spot on. Thanks for helping me to see it for what it was.
dybehfar is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dybehfar For This Useful Post:
HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012)
Old 11-14-2012, 06:55 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Self recovered Self discovered
 
freshstart57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,147
She might have been more sensitive, but it could be simply that she respects you and what she perceives to be your struggle, and wants to do what she can to see you succeed.

My wife did some things early in my sobriety that annoyed me too that had a similar motivation. It took a while for her to see me comfortable around alcohol for her to begin to trust me again. I am sure the same will happen for you.
freshstart57 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to freshstart57 For This Useful Post:
dybehfar (11-15-2012), HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012)
Old 11-14-2012, 07:17 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Water's Edge
Posts: 239
Blog Entries: 2
I think we can have thoughts/ voices that bring unhealthy, unhappy emotions into our consciousness outside of those connected to addiction. You took your wife's comments personally, made the assumption she did not trust you not to drink if around drinkers, and you let those thoughts pierce your inner peace. You need to do your best to get past this quickly, recognize its insignificance, because nursing hurt, anger and letting small things morph into big insults is not a good way to live peacefully within yourself.
Auvers is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Auvers For This Useful Post:
dybehfar (11-15-2012), HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012)
Old 11-14-2012, 07:20 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tippingpoint's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
This feels like typical guy stuff. I would have absolutely heard this the same way you did - I'm a screw up and now everyone thinks they have to help me so I don't screw up again!

That's almost certainly not how she meant it though. Good for you for recognizing the truth in all of this and not letting it sideline your sobriety!
Tippingpoint is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Tippingpoint For This Useful Post:
dybehfar (11-15-2012), HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012)
Old 11-14-2012, 10:38 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
allforcnm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi there.... Ok Im a wife.....my husband is 8 months clean from opiates.

Just wanted to give you my take. If I was in your wifes position, I probably would have not wanted big drinkers to come to the dinner either. It would have made me feel uncomfortable, and by extension I would have been thinking it would make you feel uncomfortable also. (right or wrong; that would have been my first thought process). It would have had a lot less to do with trusting you, or having faith in your sobriety than it would just wanting to spare you any discomfort by being around that old lifestyle which you have worked so hard to move past.

Sometimes however, there is a mis-communication between me and my husband; what he thinks vs. what I think, what he feels vs. what I think he feels, might feel, etc. And when that happens I really like for him to share his feelings with me so I have a better understanding and can be more sensative in the future. And also I want to be able to explain my thinking.... because sometimes that alone will clarify things for him.
allforcnm is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to allforcnm For This Useful Post:
dybehfar (11-15-2012), HitRockBottom70 (11-14-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012), Tippingpoint (11-17-2012)
Old 11-15-2012, 04:25 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Adventures In SpaceTime
 
RobbyRobot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by dybehfar View Post
My wife made a comment to her mother at dinner with the family that she hopes that a certain couple would not come over to our house for Thanksgiving (as they drink a lot), given the current situation and then pointed to the wine glasses that they were drinking from. Obviously insinuating that my drinking may return. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and I had an intense feeling of anger.

I know it is not necessarily right. I have been reflecting on this. I don't know if this is the AV. My AV may be lurking somewhere in these thoughts but can't separate the feelings.
Intense anger can certainly create confusing and conflicting associated thoughts and feelings. AV can often hide undetected within those moments. Your idea that she was insinuating your drinking MAY return is in fact pure AV in reaction to her comments.

AV is ALWAYS present if there is doubt present.

I think you've received solid advice in this thread, dybehfar, and that you're enough on track with yourself to have brought this up for examination obviously shows that you good to go with getting thru this better off than what you had yesterday.

Good work on keeping an open mind on discovering more on the nature of your Beast's barking out some serious AV.
RobbyRobot is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to RobbyRobot For This Useful Post:
dybehfar (11-15-2012)
Old 11-15-2012, 12:43 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Do You Believe
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 112
Thank you all for your posts. Very insightful, and I can see it plain as day of course now.

Vinyl, (as well as all who posted ) you are very wise. I followed your advice almost immediately after you poseted and I was indeed much happier and all anger was removed and I could see clearly.
dybehfar is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dybehfar For This Useful Post:
Kateg (11-30-2012), RobbyRobot (11-15-2012), vinyl (11-15-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:16 PM.