Honesty
 

This is so hard to write. But it is necessary.

I've been drinking.

There really isn't much to say other than that. No excuses, justifications, etc. I chose to drink. Just like before, I chose to stop.

I came home this morning and found a note from my daughters. Before my girls had left for their dad's last night, they left me cupcakes and a note saying "We adore you. You are beautiful and amazing"

In that moment, I realized one thing, well, two things: One: I listened to my AV way more than I listened to them. Two: I'm a fraud.

There is that part of me that still believes I can drink sometimes, that I can balance it. But those cupcakes, sigh, they touched a deep part of me that knows I cannot.

I won't lie. I wanted to be the woman who could go out with friends some times and have a few drinks. I didn't want to be the person who couldn't.

Normal drinkers don't make up lies so that their kids can go with their dad. Normal drinkers don't miss class to go out. Normal drinkers don't spend money they don't have to buy drinks. I sat at the bar last night and listened to people talk. One girl said "Oh, I've had my two beers. Time to go home" Earlier that evening another man finished his one beer and left.

I know what to do to stop. I've always known. I was selfish to not follow through on the promises I made to myself. I'm realizing I am quite selfish.

I'm rambling. I'm actually feeling okay this morning. No withdrawals or even a hangover. Just dealing with seeing myself very clearly and realizing I want to be the woman my daughters see instead. I feel sad, though. Really, really sad. But I know I'm not hopeless. But I am sad. And scared. Really scared.

Cupcakes . . . .sigh. It's amazing what wakes us up huh?

seeing yourself clearly and realizing what you want to be is a good thing! also, cupcakes kind of rule too..

Cotton Candy and Bubblegum cupcakes at that!

wow.. amazing..

youll be alright though. you may have taken a drink, but sounds like youve gained some insight into things and are realizing you have lots of reasons to stay sober..

I am. I was in chat today and while talking to another SR member, I had an epiphany about myself and realized, if I choose to be, I'm going to be okay.

We drunks (current or former) were at one time or another selfish. The key is recognizing that. I realize that I was quite an ass and comlpetely selfish. All that mattered was me, my time, my love affair with drinking.

So its a good sign that you caught on to that aspect of yourself. The sadness in your heart will pass with time. I have found that I can accelerate the healing of my mind and heart thorugh demonstrating that I do not have to drink nor want to and being there for the family.

RR / AVRT has a worksheet on how to record relapse activity and how to reflect on what led up to the point of relapse so that you can avoid it in the future.

dybehfar, thank you. I'll look for those worksheets now. :)

And, I am noticing, this time, my drinking, the sadness, it's not sadness about myself, but what I am taking away from my daughters by drinking. It's a deep sadness related to how it's hurting them. I view that as a positive at this point. I'm caring about others.

Thank you for sharing this, it resonates with me. My story is very similar. I'm a father of two and had the same habits and feelings of worthlessness and feeling like a fraud when I stood in front of that mirror. Especially after I saw their faces the next morning or when I was unable to make their sporting event and lied that I had to work or I was "sick". I was so full of sh*t. But it took me a very long time to realize it, and it seems you're beginning to see it too.

I think it's ok to stand in that mirror and call yourself a fraud and bash your head in for a few moments. The important part of that process, for me anyway, was to make a plan and most importantly, forgive myself. Before I would make a plan and never forgive myself. I may have had days or even weeks of sobriety because I had a good plan, but inside I still felt worthless and that I could never keep it up because I knew I was a bad person.

This last time out, I immediately began to forgive myself and relinquish my deep seeded anger and pain. I did it through meditation, but that's just me. There are countless other ways of taking accountability for your actions, seeing them, and then allowing them to go away through forgiveness and compassion.

You're hurting right now, I just know you are, and I can only guess it's much deeper than your post alludes to. Probably goes right back to your childhood, your parents or maybe even an event. I can only assume here because your pattern was so similar to mine. I was mentally abused as a child and had a pretty horrific upbringing. I have spent 35 years sabotaging my life because I always felt I had better hurt myself first before someone else can. This came as smack to my face and soul.

I have since been working very hard, every day with my own practice, and I'm healing now, every moment just a little more. I wish you well and hope you can open up, take ownership of what you are doing to your daughters and then, most importantly, forgive yourself, knowing deep inside, it's ok and you can win this thing and show your daughters just how wonderful you are.

I hope you find a strong path that works for you, and I do think it's important we all find that path and support. Going this alone just doesn't work, or at least, I've never seen it work with folks like us. Being "like us" is ok by the way. It took me a long time to realize that too. We're not broken at all, we just have something to fight for everyday, which is a beautiful gift most people do not have!

Good luck to you and stay strong :)

Vinyl, I can only say thank you, with tears in my eyes. You are correct. On everything. And once again, meditation. I do meditate. It centers me, brings me peace. I got so darn busy I stopped. I need to start again.

Forgive myself? Seems so easy. I always remember my sister. She would wake up everyday and look into the mirror and say "I forgive you" She was originally speaking about our mother but realized after a time, she was speaking to herself. She said it changed her life.

I also go to counseling. She digs deep, but slowly. And she has me do mindfulness and meditation. She's also teaching me to be okay with the pain. To not get caught up in what I think of a situation, but how I feel.

My childhood was horrific as well. We are working through that now. It's painful but also a relief to realize my feelings regarding it are okay. That I don't have to feel guilty.

I think I'm going to find some time today to listen to calming music, do walking meditation and spend some time with a mirror later.

To everyone here, thank you. Truly. You have no idea how much each of you and your words mean to me.

"Being "like us" is ok by the way. It took me a long time to realize that too. We're not broken at all, we just have something to fight for everyday, which is a beautiful gift most people do not have!"

awsome..

JJK, I like how you put that: Having something to fight for everyday. I really, really like that. Thank you

i qouted that from vinyl but it messed up, so i just put paranthesis around it..

Well, we can see how well I am paying attention.

all good!

It sounds like you are being very honest with yourself and that is so important! Dont get too down on yourself....Ive relapsed and been so selfish so many times Ive lost count. Just keep at it! Id like to be that normal drinker too....it has never worked though. So Ive come to the conclusion, "Is it really worth it to even try?". Best of luck :)

MissyShelle, what can we do to get people to believe this? What is your perspective?

Well, my epiphany was this: When things go well in my life, I do not believe I deserve it and I just wait for it all to fall apart. However, I finally realized today, I do not wait for it to fall apart, I work to put a series of events in place to cause it to fall apart. It's almost like a release when it does. the whole "Sigh, finally, I knew this was coming and now it's over". But finally realizing I am the catalyst helps me also realize I can be the change. I can stop the destruction and instead focus my attention on just enjoying my blessings and not always waiting for that final shoe to drop.

Does that make sense?

And how to help others see this? I guess the only answer I can come up with is helping people become more self-aware. Helping people see that they are a bigger part of their own life than they realize. Too often, we look to outside resources as the reason for our problems instead of realizing, we are more often than not, the reason for our problems. But that also means we are capable of being the reason for our successes.

I'm not sure if I am making any sense. In recovery, too often we are taught to believe we are completely powerless over anything going on. We are powerless to quit drinking, we are powerless to think, we are powerless to move forward. My epiphany today showed me I have tremendous power in my life and over the choices I make. But now, instead of using it to speed up or even cause bad things to happen, I need to refocus and start to draw on my strengths.

Sorry to hear this news, Missy.

Good to hear you're already feeling the consequences. Sadness of course goes without saying. Fear is a different matter.

Really scared of what?

More immediate drinking? Or perhaps of quitting and again failing?

Did you have these fears in your face before you drank?

These questions are yours to answer, or not, as you may please. In any case, I have every good hope for you, Missy. Don't beat yourself down too much... better to look up and see the stars then look down and see regret and misery unending. Been there and done that.

Great stuff you got going on with the getting honest bit. Well done!

:a122:

I am lost for words. You remind me so much of me. Good for you! I have a confession tonight also but dont think I have the courage to admit it!!