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Seasick 08-21-2012 09:54 AM

After 30 years it has to stop
30 years ago, almost to the day, I started drinking. Now it's time to stop and I feel scared and alone. It's not much of a post but it's all I have at the moment.

onlythetruth 08-21-2012 10:02 AM

Hi Seasick. We're glad you're here. Write more when you're ready!

Zencat 08-21-2012 10:28 AM

Welcome to the secular side of SR Seasick.

Reading through the threads here in secular can help you undestand how to stop and stay stopped from drinking. Here are some good links; SOS, LifeRing, SMART, CBT, Urge Surfing, DBT and recovery plans and info on addiction. have a look when you have time and keep posting here at SR.

murrill 08-21-2012 12:24 PM

I think you summed it up quite nicely. I remember feeling so alone and horribly scared: Had I done too much damage to survive my years of drunkeness? Or worse, what if getting sober actually worked--and I had to come face-to-face with my ugliness? All I knew was that I couldn't keep doing what I had done for so long. I had to quit drinking or I would die. And I didn't want to be eulogized as a a pathetic lush. All you have to do right this minute is stay away from that first drink. Stick around, read the posts, ask questions, find your way. It gets better.

Mizzuno 08-21-2012 01:26 PM

I think your post says it all. Welcome! We are here for you. There is plenty of info on this forum. Please stick around.

Seasick 08-21-2012 02:34 PM

It's kind of people to comment. I came here initially because of the lack of the god squad. I went to AA years ago and listened to a string of people who went to one meeting and never drank again. I knew it wasn't going to be like that for me. Disturbingly that was about 20 years ago.

I should stress that I'm not actually alone. I have a lovely wife but I don't think she knows how to help me - I can't really blame her as I have no idea myself.

But now is crunch time. I had to close my business down due to the recession but I have the opportunity to have both a new career and study something I love at university. But the job involves driving and for that reason alone the time is now. It's been coming a long time and if I mess up this time it could be disastrous.

Wish me luck. The most I've been sober in 30 years is 2 nights!

RobbyRobot 08-21-2012 03:00 PM

Awesome to hear you're putting the drink down for good and all. Absolutely, one can get sober without an understanding God or HP. It happens all the time. :)

So, that's one problem/challenge dealt with. :)

aasharon90 08-21-2012 03:10 PM

A recovery support system to hang onto
so that I never have to go thru recovery
alone has helped me stay sober for 22yrs.

22 yrs of many one days at a time collected
together with no alcohol to get me where I
am today.

Recovery is a journey of a lifetime filled with
rewards and promises meant to enjoy along
your journey.


Auvers 08-21-2012 04:09 PM

Seasick, you can find a lot of encouragement and support here. Even on the threads that are on the Newcomers to Recovery forum, there are a fair number of posts, thoughts that do not just parrot homilies. I have been helped a lot with my sobriety of a couple of months by reading posts on SR. I am hoping you know a bit of what to expect in the first weeks as I did not and kind of got side swiped. Best wishes.

Seasick 08-22-2012 12:06 AM

Okay, that's the first night over. I've been here before so it's pretty much as expected. Raging arthritis in both legs and feet but the sleep is the hard part. Fitful and sweaty I can live with but the dreams test me to the limit. It's always some moral dilemma which leads me to hurt people I love. Although this time I recognise a pattern. A dirty little secret ends up in an envelope that I have to destroy but my loved ones won't leave me alone long enough to burn it. Maybe that recognition will help tonight.

The positive side is that I can drive today without having to worry.

To all those who posted a big thanks. :thanks

RobbyRobot 08-22-2012 03:42 AM

Good to hear, Seasick. Yeah, there's always personal additional challenges when we quit the booze. Sounds like you know that already, cool. :)

Dreams also frigged with me to no end when working thru my early sobriety. I was deluded by my delusions, you know what I mean. :) It often seemed my dreams spoke to my realitites, but with hindsight, I can see I was clearly off the mark. Still, the process of having dreams is part of the process of working thru our challenges in life. Dirty little secrets can be explosive, as I know for myself, so I hear you there, no problemo.

Good going on your efforts into your early sobriety, and awesome you can already enjoy some results, like in the worry-free driving. :)

Auvers 08-22-2012 04:55 AM

Hope you enjoy the driving without worrying about alcohol use. Good for you for starting the new journey. Takes courage, willingness to change. Starting at university at the same time, that's a big thing. You can do it. I did not know what the me without alcohol could do and I am surprising myself a little at a time.

murrill 08-22-2012 05:06 AM

Those dreams can be awful. I remember one where I broke through the wall of my apartment to get into my neighbor's place--because he had alcohol! Then there was the drinking dream where I was sent to the hospital for detox, and I awoke in the dream wondering if I drank--and realized it had not been a dream. It really was a dream--I didn't drink--but a drinking dream within a drinking dream....that was a doozy. I guess we don't have to explain the significance of you "moral dilemma" dreams. Those are the kind that could convince me I was not work saving. Don't believe them.

onlythetruth 08-22-2012 06:12 AM

Ah yes reminded me. I had a "dirty little secret" that occupied a lot of space in my head and fed my drinking. It was a source of great shame and confusion for me for a long time.

Like RobbieRobot says, though, that's not unusual. Many of us have things like that to sort out.

The interesting thing is that even though the secret fed my drinking, I couldn't do anything about it til I quit. And then once I quit, and dealt with the issue, and realized where it all came from, it lost ALL its power.

It's truly wonderful to be free, seasick. Hang on. You'll see.

Seasick 08-22-2012 09:08 AM

Thanks again to all who posted.

The thing is that I don't actually have a dirty little secret. I'm not that interesting! They arrive in the dream and seem impossible to resolve. For example I used to work with a lady who had a very attractive 18 year old daughter. In my dream she had another fictional 15 year old daughter even more attractive than the real daughter and somehow I ended up at this lady's house with just the fictional daughter home. She disappears for a moment and reappears wearing only a t-shirt with clearly nothing underneath and wraps her arms around me, telling me how attractive I am. I keep my hands to myself and explain that I am very flattered but I am a married man. At that moment her mother and my wife enter the house and she peels herself away from me, but not before slipping a disk into my pocket with a wink. I know there are photographs on the disk and I know if I get caught with it then I'm in big trouble. And hence the rest of the dream is spent pushing away my loved ones in an attempt to find a bin or something to dispose of the disk.

Silly, I know but these are vivid dreams that are really lived and the emotions are raw when I wake. In last night's dream I had planned to murder a former boss to steal his money but I changed my mind. Again I had the evidence in my pocket and tried desperately to find some space in order to burn it.

I don't necessarily need dream interpretations, it's just the vivid nature that does me in.

Anyway I had a good driving session today and I think I'm going to be alright tonight. Certainly I'll be tired having slept very badly for about 4 hours. However I am very hungry and rattling with diclofenac for the pain. It's 5pm and I'm starving hungry having already eaten three times today. Maybe it's the lack of alcohol calories?

Will check in at bedtime, hopefully still sober. Driving again tomorrow morning so that should help with the motivation.

Auvers 08-22-2012 02:00 PM

Seasick, Glad you are hanging in there.

RobbyRobot 08-22-2012 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by Seasick (Post 3543920)
Thanks again to all who posted.

The thing is that I don't actually have a dirty little secret. I'm not that interesting!

Oh yeah??
Sure you don't......

just joking. I guess dirty and secret are subjective enough terms in themselves. I gotta tell you though, that particular dream has you reacting with that disk as a person who can't readily explain the real truth, and so is attempting to hide incriminating evidence...

No matter. Whatever is bothering your conscious, is what it is, you know? We all have some level of "secrets" in our drinking history, even if they are not "dirty"

Hey, good going on your early sobriety. :)

ReadyAndAble 08-22-2012 08:54 PM

Hi, Seasick.

Hope you're faring better, both awake and in your dreams.

Maybe it's the lack of alcohol calories?
Yep, that's a big part of it. All those daily carbs are just gone—poof. But also, from what I've read, the body becomes so overwhelmed breaking down the alcohol and the resultant sugars is that it becomes less effective at absorbing nutrients from food. That's why so many late stage alcoholics, even if they eat a couple times a day, end up with such skinny arms and legs. So it's possible you need extra food right now, because your body isn't as efficient as it should be (and will be).

Or maybe that's just a pseudo-scientific rationalization for the enormous quantities I ate early in recovery. Either way, I think it was the right way to go. Hunger tends to add background stress, and I wanted to be at the top of my game, keep things calm and steady. A full belly is good medicine. :)

Mizzuno 08-22-2012 09:44 PM

Welcome! You've found a great group of people that understand where your at. I hope your doing well tonight and that you have a restful nights sleep. Keep up the good work! You deserve it!

Seasick 08-23-2012 01:30 PM

Okay - third night and I'm still hanging in there. I found myself thinking I could do with a drink this evening but I didn't give in. And when a late shopping trip was required my lovely wife offered to do it even though I always do those things. No words were spoken but temptation was removed.

This is new territory for me. My throat feels swollen, the arthritis is hell and I have a severe salt craving. All that along with a headache. Tomorrow will be the most sober in my adult life. This is getting interesting!

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