Blogs


Notices

Thought I'd check in

Old 08-18-2012, 05:37 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,407
Blog Entries: 1
well...on a less positive note...I've been cranky for about 18 hours...

I got up cause I feel a bit ill, but it's Saturday, and I think I'm going to go lay back down again for another hour in a minite.

I'm a bit worried about coping with being sober...I don't have any illusion that drinking will do anything but make things worse, but I'm not happy with how I feel physically....and I do have alot of irritation right now. Just a constant underlying thing.

I've been reading a bit in other threads, but am not feeling real motivated to participate. I relate to the problems, but I don't relate to the solutions...I'm just sort of doing this in a non-programmed way. I respect other's ways of getting sober and staying sober and support them 100%...I just sort of feel like been there done that...

I use parts of a lot of programs, but just can't go Rah Rah what an amazing great program that is to any of them...and actually supress my laughter at some parts of set programs that seem silly to me. I supress it because the truth is some things that I find silly and don't work for me, have saved other peoples lives. I guess it's an individual thing.

Anyhow...not feeling a lot of desire to post or read, but will keep trying. I want to try and get to posting on other threads cause I find having this one going feels a bit self centered...but for now I'll keep it up.

Talk to you all tomarrow (or maybe tonight).

Nands
Ananda is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Ananda For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (08-19-2012), Impurrfect (08-22-2012), Opivotal (08-18-2012), PaperDolls (08-19-2012), ReadyAndAble (08-18-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012), spryte (08-18-2012)
Old 08-18-2012, 08:45 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,450
Hi, Nands, I was hoping to find another post from you this morning.

Sorry you're feeling cranky and out of sorts. I know how that is. I had a major acclimation period—horrible sleep, itchy skin, depression, anxiety, etc. I kinda figured it was just part of the process. The body readapted fairly quickly, but the mind took a bit longer.

actually supress my laughter at some parts of set programs that seem silly to me. I supress it because the truth is some things that I find silly and don't work for me, have saved other peoples lives.

I'm not going to tell you to start trying things that you don't think are a good fit. And some of the stuff is just plain silly. I mean, I'm into AVRT, and we spend most of our time calling addiction "the Beast". Someone stopping by would think we all suffer from multiple personality disorders.

But you know what? Silly is fine. So is the discomfort. Boredom, too. I was definitely bored during my first weeks, until I learned to how to live again. All that stuff is infinitely better than being desperate, than being a prisoner of my addiction, living a lie, destroying my health, waking up to regret and shame, and on and on.

Silly is small potatoes, ya know?

Again, I'm not telling you what to do. For many people, just posting on SR is enough. But if you've tried that before, and it wasn't enough, maybe it's time to go ahead and be silly. The beauty of an anonymous website like this is that no one ever has to know...

Hang in there—glad you're getting some rest!
ReadyAndAble is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ReadyAndAble For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012), spryte (08-18-2012)
Old 08-18-2012, 10:30 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
Member
 
BackToSquareOne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,782
Ananda, I remember you and the hedgehog from way back when I first joined in 2007. You were moving at the time if I recall. It took me well over 3 decades to finally throw in the towel so you're not alone in it taking some of us longer than others. I think the main reason I finally quit for good was that I was just sick and tired of going thru the same old drink/recovery stuff again and again. I don't think I had many detox cycles left in my deck of cards before my mind or body gave out for good. Just hang in there, stay strong and the pieces of the puzzle will come together when you're ready.
BackToSquareOne is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to BackToSquareOne For This Useful Post:
freshstart57 (08-18-2012), Impurrfect (08-22-2012), ReadyAndAble (08-18-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012), spryte (08-18-2012)
Old 08-18-2012, 02:28 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
Member
 
spryte's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,000
Blog Entries: 62
Ananda
spryte is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to spryte For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012), ReadyAndAble (08-18-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012)
Old 08-19-2012, 06:12 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,407
Blog Entries: 1
Hi all,

Yeah..I'm doing lots of "silly" stuff. I only mentioned what I did because I absolutely believe that this integrity stuff is probably the biggest thing that will support my sobriety. There have been so many comments on my "positive" posts...and I start to feel like I'm suppose to continue in that vein. Well, I am as blind as the next person, but I focus on seeing things as they really are, rather than falling into "positive" or "negative" thinking.

I'm a bouncer, and I may go over the edge negative at times, and over the edge positive at other times. That is simply what I see at that particular moment. I have to create an ability to recognize it as just a view point...not bad or good...I don't know how to explain it.

Things are certainly not sunshine and roses in my life today. There are moments of that and moments of crushing darkness. Neither is "reality" just what I'm seeing and expereinceing as a human being in that moment.

Positivity can lead me to a drink just as quickly as negativity...If I don't recognize that they are temporary conditions. For instance, I love my mom and she has supported me. This doesn't change that by day 3 of a visit...She is irritating the heck out of me (LOL)...I recognize it...try not to go wacky about it...and just move on to the next indicated thing. Yep...I snarled a number of times...and several times we had fun...life's a mixed bag.

Anyhow...She is leaving today. Work hits hard tomarrow, but I'm in fine shape to do ok...doesn't mean I won't have some "livid" moments...again...it happens, nothing to get bent about...just don't overly indulge the feelings. Lawyer stuff is still not done..managed to loose way too many reciepts for last months expenses. Regardless...I will finish it today (only 3-4 hours left to go on it) and turn it in tomarrow or Tuesday. The worst that can happen is the lawyer says to do something more or the judge says "too bad, so sad...we'll just garnish your meeger wages" (LOL....yeah not likely).

I'm feeling "OK", more importantly I'm DOING "OK" plus a bit. Mom just woke up so I need to go be social for a bit....

Thanks again to all of you.
Ananda is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Ananda For This Useful Post:
freshstart57 (08-19-2012), Hevyn (08-19-2012), Impurrfect (08-22-2012), PaperDolls (08-19-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012)
Old 08-19-2012, 12:03 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 42,546
Doing 'OK plus a bit' is good enough for the early days.
Hevyn is online now  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012)
Old 08-19-2012, 12:15 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
My brain is trying to kill me
 
breath's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
Please stay on here. Get ino the chat room. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. If other options are no longer available there is one thing I strongly believe; it is nearly impossible to do alone. I have found an important home here in SR, I highly recommend us.
breath is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to breath For This Useful Post:
freshstart57 (08-20-2012), Impurrfect (08-22-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012)
Old 08-20-2012, 02:55 AM
  # 68 (permalink)  
JJK
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 145
ananda, hope you are still doing ok? dont feel like youre bothering people, ranting on, being selfish at all here. because i actually read this whole thread and it has helped me tremendously. i think i was starting to forget how bad it could get. but thats some real **** that ive been through and can relate to. hang in there and please keep posting.
JJK is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to JJK For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012)
Old 08-20-2012, 05:25 AM
  # 69 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,407
Blog Entries: 1
I'm ok

Mom left and it was a relief but scarry too. Spent 3 hours figuring out what to do about a broken printer....nice to be able to deal with it, but not exactly my best moment...growled at my son...it's all ok now...just that I'm irritable right now.

The morning chores are not so much I can't handle them when I'm sober! But it does feel a bit like a never ending series of responsibilities. It's ok. provided there are no major things that come up this week, I can stick to run one errand, cook, do dishes, then a couple of hours to relax and play. I need to remember how to enjoy the hour or two in the evening instead of passing out drunk. Doable, but may be a bit odd at first.

Before I was just going from work to school and drunk to boot! It was like power work time 24/7. I need to learn to be ok when I just sit. Learning to just be at peace and enjoy the small stuff is gonna take some time. When I feel really good and just relax, I want a drink just like I do when I'm balls to the walls busy. I can stay sober...it's just not real comfortable all the time.

Anyways...gotta wash my hair, take out the trash (bin plus 10 bags LOL) and do some puppy time.

What I'm doing to change on the inside seems to be the most important ingredient. SR, AA, Chat, Books, and Spiritual Quests seem to not be the answer for me...they are aids, but the real answer lies inside me.

Nands
Ananda is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Ananda For This Useful Post:
Auvers (08-22-2012), endzoner (08-21-2012), freshstart57 (08-20-2012), Hevyn (08-20-2012), Impurrfect (08-22-2012), Opivotal (08-21-2012), PaperDolls (08-20-2012), ReadyAndAble (08-21-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012), spryte (08-20-2012)
Old 08-20-2012, 08:04 AM
  # 70 (permalink)  
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 42,546
I remember it all - the anxiety, irritability, anger. I was snippy & miserable. It all ended though! You're gonna make it, Nands.
Hevyn is online now  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012), ReadyAndAble (08-21-2012), RobbyRobot (08-21-2012)
Old 08-21-2012, 08:22 AM
  # 71 (permalink)  
Adventures In SpaceTime
 
RobbyRobot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Awesome early progress Nands. Yeah, you know it, the answers are in us, and plenty of ways to make claim of those solutions/answers to our challenges. SR is certainly a great way forward! Good to hear you talking about YOU!!

RobbyRobot is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to RobbyRobot For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012), ReadyAndAble (08-21-2012)
Old 08-22-2012, 01:42 PM
  # 72 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 54,682
Nands, I'm glad you're getting through this and managing alright.

And, I agree with you, that changing on the inside is the most important thing.
Anna is online now  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (08-22-2012), RobbyRobot (08-22-2012)
Old 08-23-2012, 09:19 AM
  # 73 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
hope all is well for you Ananda
Fandy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Fandy For This Useful Post:
Old 08-24-2012, 06:10 AM
  # 74 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,407
Blog Entries: 1
I'm doing ok.

To be honest...the not going to the liquer store is hard at times...I still "want to drink"....I don't know why, and don't care...I just have to not go. It's easier to fight going to the liquer store than fighting not taking a drink from the bottle in the bathroom...so I'm fighting that battle.

I got the bankruptsy progressed...did the thing I dreaded and took in the papers. Whats hard for me is I caved on my ethics. If I had not spent the money I have on this lawyer and if I didn't need this deal to be over I would have walked out of that office and said F*ck you to the legal assistant. I spent tons of time doing what they asked only to have them not require or want most of the stuff they asked me to do. But the worst was that of the 1.5 hours I spent with the legal aid person all but 10 minites was her shouting at me across the table her personal political views on the poor, Obama, social security, etc. I just nodded and tried not to let my total discust show on my face. I need this over, and so I sold out my beliefs for the goal. I will write the lawyer after this case is done and tell him I would never recomend him because his assistant is so unprofessional....but I just couldn't walk out or respond as I should have .... I have been dreading this for 6 months and I need to get past it....I can't tell you how much I wanted to drink after that meeting....but I didn't and it's over...

OK...living by your beliefs is hard. And sometimes my beliefs are wrong so it's really about integrity. The more I pretend, the more I want to escape, even if it is temporary and doesn't work..it's that few moments of not caring that I want. I'm holding strong, but seeing that I will have to make more changes to reflect some integrity. I think I'm making the changes ok at work, but it will take time and isn't great at this point.

Reading this..it could sound different then I intend. It isn't that I need things "my way" or that I don't work with those with a different opinion. It's that I need to be clear about boundries and honest about what I believe. My Lawyer's assistant..well I don't give a crap what she believes...it has no part in my case. At work...they do what they do, I just need to be honest in my assessments and frankly look for work where I'm not just a paper pusher. I know that's what I am right now, but I know I can do more in the right environment.

OK...it's high ho high ho time .... I'll check in soon.

PS...not much liking being sober, but it's no worse than being drunk so I am going to give this some time and some work towards change.

Nands
Ananda is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Ananda For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (08-24-2012), Opivotal (08-24-2012), PaperDolls (08-24-2012), spryte (08-24-2012)
Old 08-28-2012, 03:53 AM
  # 75 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Give a shout so we know you're ok
Fandy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Fandy For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (08-28-2012), Hevyn (08-28-2012), RobbyRobot (08-28-2012)
Old 08-28-2012, 06:00 AM
  # 76 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,407
Blog Entries: 1
Fandy,

I'm doing ok...still sober...

Work really scks, but it's gonna take time to get that straight. Most people who have to spend time with me don't like me sober cause I'm honest..not unkind, just say what I think is the proper way to deal with issues and don't keep my mouth shut. It's just been hard.

Mom asked me last night what made me able to make it when I stayed sober before (yeah everyone asks that including me LOL)....Honestly it's partly anger and partly insistance on "integrity" (by me). Mom said I call that determination...The anger part was just the first few months when the bottle was calling hard...The anger went away but the integrity stayed. So I'll have to work toward staying in integrity but not be afraid to stay sober out of stubborness and being angry if thats what it takes short term.

I ended up sleeping most of the weekend...got all the milestones done, clean, laundry, shopping, bills....but every 4 hours I'd sleep for 1 or 2...I did start a creative project cause I need to feel creative to keep me engaged. I thought I would have another power weekend like the previous one...it wasn't and I felt a bit down yesterday about that. However, I got the basics done and that's better than I did when in school and drinking...

Basically I'm just trying to find some balance and using any tool that will keep me from the liquer store. I think sometimes early sobriety is a bit different because you fight the urge so much more. I believe that as time goes by I will no longer be fighting urges and be more focused on enriching my life

Nands
Ananda is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Ananda For This Useful Post:
Fandy (08-30-2012), Hevyn (08-28-2012), onlythetruth (08-29-2012), Opivotal (08-30-2012), PaperDolls (08-30-2012), RobbyRobot (08-30-2012), spryte (08-28-2012)
Old 08-28-2012, 02:30 PM
  # 77 (permalink)  
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 42,546
Relieved to hear from you Nands.
Hevyn is online now  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Fandy (08-30-2012), onlythetruth (08-29-2012), RobbyRobot (08-30-2012)
Old 08-30-2012, 08:22 AM
  # 78 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Im glad you are making it!
Fandy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Fandy For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (08-30-2012), onlythetruth (08-31-2012), RobbyRobot (08-30-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:59 PM.