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Old 08-13-2012, 05:45 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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OK...

I'm trying to stick with do the next indicated thing. I've been up an hour or so, and the main tasks this morning are to get the trash to the curb for pick up, get dressed, deoderized and manage what I can to get the swelling out of my eyes.

Today I have alot of work to do at work wich is good. In 36 hours detox will begin. I need to just get through the next 36 hours and keep committed to ending this. Today there is an interview for a candidate for a position that I will deal with on a regular basis with power over my job. The best candidate, that would be great for our college is someone who knows my history and who I harmed when I deserted a job about 2 years ago. When my boss shared the information on the canditates to me on Friday I turned beet red and shook like a leaf. But she is clearly the one they need to hire.

I am not going to try and deal with this today. I told my boss she is the obvious choice and I'll deal with having to meet her after I get sober and return to work on Thursday. I need to do the next indicated thing even when it is going to hurt. I need to focus on being sober, not on avoiding conflict or embarrassment.

I need to also remember how lucky I am that a number of people in my life are willing to go through this with me one LAST time. Of course some people have given up .... but an amazing number of people are willing to let me try something different, perhaps that they don't believe in.

I doubt that I'll get back to the site till tommarrow morning. I'm going to need to go to bed early tonight, not dwell on anything outside of being ready to dig in my heals and stay sober tomarrow...even if it isn't until noon.

Sorry to bother you with my "diary". But it is helping me to stay focused and to stay out of self pity and into a more balanced acceptance of where I am and where I need to go.

Nands
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:16 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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If you are detoxing and it is such a planned process, why don't you call your doctor to make it more safe? If you are home from work until Thursday, you can start today? you will feel that much better when you get into a sober routine.

by all means, get the trash (and booze) out of the house.

hope you have a productive day, sometimes overthinking and making this your entire life is overwhelming too.
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Old 08-13-2012, 11:38 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thanks Fandy,

I'm actually feeling like I'm gonna be able to do this. I realized that the things I call "concequences" are what I actually use as an excuse. So I took action to clear up some of the things at work that I do the poor me's about. I have choices and I made some. That takes away 2 more excuses I could use for not following through.

I'm working till Tuesday at 5. I'm not a believer that you can taper off alchohol. I'm flying blind here in some ways. What I really want to do is call in sick, turn tail and run to treatment. But I've tried that too many times and know that isn't an answer. Mom's worried about the no medication stuff too. When I detox in treatment I don't get any medicine anyways, they just keep an eye on me. Mom will do that (she is a nurse) and she isn't afraid to call the dr or 911 if things don't go well.

Having gone through the detox more times than I want to admit, I have confidence that I'm unlikely to have a real physical issue, but am aware of that possibility. I'm going to shake rattle and roll because I'm gonna want to hang on to any reason I can find to not stop.

Crp...the alarm says go back to work.....

I'll try not to over post.
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Old 08-13-2012, 12:46 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Ananda, post every hour if you want to know that someone is listening to you and supporting you every inch of this brave courageous journey you are starting. Judging by the determination that I am hearing in your posts, I have a good feeling about how this is going to turn out. We both know that belief in yourself is the essential ingredient to this process, and you have that in spades. Onward.
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Old 08-13-2012, 01:55 PM
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I so hope it's one last time, Nands. I know it can be! You sound ready. It's never going to be fun again. You can reclaim your life and your relationship with your son. I tried to get sober about a dozen times. The last time stuck. It can be that way for you, too. I know you're fed up and exhausted from this crazy journey.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:39 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Well, I stumbled on this page...Ananda!! I'm sending good vibes your way - hang in there. You're worth it
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:52 PM
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(((Nands))) - Sorry I didn't see this until now, but I'm SO glad you're back! I'm glad your mom will be staying with you, and I have faith in you that you can do this. You really do deserve to be sober.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-13-2012, 04:12 PM
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Nands, I'm sorry I missed this thread, and I'm so glad you're back and working on your sobriety. I really hope that you keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

(((Nands)))
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Old 08-13-2012, 04:15 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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(((nands))). good to see you! I know you've been an AAer in the past but have you read about Rational Recovery and AVRT? it makes so much sense to me. We have a great thread going on in Secular Connections you might take a look at it. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html

If you're ready to quit, I think you'll find it helpful.

Love from Lenina
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:13 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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thanks to all of you. I admit I cried a little when I saw the posts (hug).

I'm getting a bit nervous, but still strong. talked to mom. it's all set. It was really helpful to see the posts today. I keep thinking of what Dee said once (a borrowed phraze I know!) You eat the elephant one bite at a time.

I'm not going to cave in to my fear. its another excuse. So I'm afraid...I'll just have to deal with it. I'm doing a bit of the "whistling in the dark" bravado thing, but I have to start somewhere. If I start thinking I can whine myself into staying a drunk I'm in big trouble. (plenty of time to whine when I've got some sobriety LOL).

The honest truth is I could talk myself out of this if I'm not careful. But you know it's like a major job to keep drinking the last 2 weeks...I know that doesn't make since, but thats how it has seemed. I'm still clinging to the idea that a drink will stop the shakes and the nausea...and it does...but it only makes the rebound worse. I guess it's "maintanence drinking" at it's worst.

So I'm in the middle right now...terrified of quiting completely yet anxious to get it over with. I do have hope that after 24 hours it will start to improve. I may still throw up, have diareah and shake....but I'll know it's temporary..sort of. I'll eat this elephant one bite at a time...but I have to tell you I HATE elephant!

OK...instead of taking a drink I'm going to go watch TV. I'm not pretending I'll get through tonight without a drink. I know it makes no sense, but I'm gonna try hard and know that tomarrow it will no longer be ok to try it will be DO. I do want my life back. I'm scared I don't have one that will be ok, but I thought that 20 years ago and ended up ok once I walked through the fear and got some integrity going.

God! my puppies are gonna be so glad to see me sober and awake. Right now they lick on me constantly and I think it's the alchohol that seeps through the skin. Nia remembers me sober. Gunny only saw me sober for 6 weeks so he will be a bit confused.

OK...I'm going on and on...TV....Eat (that's important)...drink WATER...put on my big girl pants....stay honest...be grateful that I've lucked out in so many ways but don't rely on luck...make a change...

Nands
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:33 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Nands, just before I stopped drinking, I tried to keep the nausea and anxiety at bay by continuing to drink a bit, and quickly understood that I was making things worse. I understand your fear, but I'm so glad you're taking that leap of faith. You won't feel great for a few days, but mentally you will know you're on track and physically, things will gradually improve.

Keep checking in and let us know how you're doing.
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:34 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I'm not going to cave in to my fear. its another excuse.
It is, and one being generated by the addiction itself. It wants you to be afraid, to doubt yourself.

There's no reason to doubt yourself. You're taking control, enlisting your mom, coming here. Seems to me you're doing everything right—textbook example of how to beat this thing.

Right now they lick on me constantly and I think it's the alchohol that seeps through the skin.
My dog licked me a lot when I was depressed or anxious. I kept him pretty busy when I was drinking. He's gone now, but I am so grateful that I recovered before he went. Glad I could really be there for him at the end, and glad he got to see the change in me.

I do want my life back.
Good. It's waiting for you. Keep your eye on that—the life you want—and you'll be there before you know it.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:16 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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It's crunch time. Pretty nervous. Lots of scary dreams.

Mom is as prepared as I guess anyone can be to provide some assistance. She just detoxed my brother last week. We've discussed that different things help different people. My brother tends to sleep for 3 days through the withdrawl. I find that going to bed only makes my anxiety worse. I won't be trying to do tons on day 1 and 2, but I don't really think lying abed is helpful. I'll do a small thing here and there, sleep a "normal" amount, eat as much as I can (cause I really don't have an appetite), and not get into dwelling on all my self created problems as if I can fix that in a day or a week.

I've got another hour before I have to get ready for work, and I think I'll make a "schedule". Just a few tasks (the immediate needs) to do Thursday and Friday night after work, and then the 5 things that I'm freaked about...I'll schedule to work on them over the weekend. Maybe I can get some of the nasty stuff out of the way.

I'm trying really hard to be honest here, even if it makes me look bad. So I'll tell you that the bottle won't be tossed till after lunch break. I'm also self reporting (to help me stay on track) that I will be sure to toss the "back up" half pint that has been my assurance that if I just can't do it there is something there. So...pitch those 2 at noon and its over. I realize I "should" dump them both right now....it really feels (however wrong it may be) that knowing I have something to keep from starting detox on the job is important. That crutch will be gone at noon. Mom and I discussed...If I'm really too sick on Thursday...well they probably can't fire me if I call in sick for a day or two. IT would suck big time and cause "issues", but I'm willing to deal with that.

I don't think I'm waffling on my committment. I am very aware of what is going to happen over the next few days and even few months. Long before Nike came up with it, I had a teacher who would say "just do it!". I'm focused on that. I also keep thinking "this is when the rubber meets the road". Up to now it's all been talk. Sincere talk, but talk just the same.

Mom knows I do "sr", and despite her fear of internet addiction, she is supportive of doing what ever the heck is gonna work for me. So I will be posting. Pretty much I'm in the mode of trying not to think too much about others opinions (but do care about their needs).

OK...time to find a clean outfit (quite a challenge) for work. My eyes aren't puffy to day and I'm not shaking as bad. The dogs aren't licking me. I can do this. The support here is really helpful, but we all know that in the end we quit or we don't.

OK...have a good day everyone!
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Old 08-14-2012, 06:39 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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ok..i'm scared shtlesss....I'll post at noon. I just need to calm down and not let my emotions control me.

Sorry...needed to post that feeling and now I have to move past the fear. I have a task list to keep me out of the emotional crp today at work. I'm not behind or strugling at work. Just go in and do my job.

I'm so scared, but pity won't help me. I need to simply stay focused on doing the next indicated thing. Stick with the plan, stay out of self pity, utilize the help I have and get this done.

I'm going to be late to work by 10 minites I think. Not the end of the world. I have to take some deep breaths and do the deal.

I'm aware I'm whining. Putting this out in writing helps me see the bull. I'm not sure I could have chosen to do this different, but I simply must follow through. I basically don't believe in any of the programs out there. I borrow from each what rings true to me and use what my past sober expereinces support.

I'm not a "positive thinker" I believe in seeing things as they truley are. Sometimes I'm too negative and sometimes I'm too positive. Bottom line is what is it really. Knowing I can twist reality, I need to be careful, but I also can't sell out what I believe to be true. I remember at my first attempt at sobriety (got 2.5 years) 25 years ago or so...I lived by what I believed and when I found I was wrong I changed. So I will start where I am.

Quit. Be honest.

OK..I'm really late now...gotta go.

Thanks to all who are encouraging me even when they might not agree with me. I want to get beyond this, but right now it matters that I feel some support.

Nands.
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Old 08-14-2012, 11:42 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I said I would post at noon and I am...jeez...a bit shaky at work from fear. Had a situation come up that was a possible mutual responsibility. I don't actually believe it was my responsibility, but when I'm sober and have a backbone I can be more certain of that.

The bottles are gone...drank 4 shots and then pitched the rest and the "back up bottle". See I'm shaking and it's not withdrawal at this point..it's just the fear. I feel like I've been standing at the edge of the cliff for 2 weeks and I just jumped. I differ from some in that I believe you don't always get "caught"...sometimes you break both legs. But you have to jump...it's the next indicated thing. So I've cut my outs and need to just stay out of fear till 5pm. Even then I need to not just go nuts. There isn't really a reason to.

No more avoiding interactions cause someone might notice I'm drinking! And for me, no more avoiding the hard stuff. I want to be solution based and take responsibility for my part, but not for other's parts.

If I could post a smiley it would be me with a weak have smile shaking and trying to hold fig leafs over my nakedness. I feel very vunerable yet this is where I need to go...The rubber is now meeting the road, the truth is in these next few days.

Actually, as hard as this part will be, it may be harder to remember this when mom goes home. I think I have a grasp on the importance of this..but I know I'll have some temptations when no ones here. But that's getting ahead of the horse. Right now just deal. Dumping the bottles was pretty significant for me....eeks...time to go to work.

I'll check in tonight unless I'm in total melt down.
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Old 08-14-2012, 12:06 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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You rock! You can totally do this!!

Remember, there's nothing to fear. You are on your way back to your life, the life you deserve. It may feel bad, but it is very, very good.
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Old 08-14-2012, 12:22 PM
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awesome!!
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Old 08-14-2012, 02:31 PM
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Hey Ananda......
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Old 08-14-2012, 03:01 PM
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Dumping the stash was very important. Keeping booze around the house is simply planning on drinking again, and we don't do that. In fact, we do have a plan, and it's very simple.
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Old 08-14-2012, 03:18 PM
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Good luck x
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