Introduction-Mom to slipping opiate addicted son
 

Dear Friends,
I can't believe that I am back to this place in my life. I feel like I have had not a breath to grieve the death of my older son (from non-drug caused car accident), deal with my younger son's subsequent opiate addiction (to pain meds that he needs, but can no longer take) and cope with my 20 year sober husband's rage and depression about both events.

And yet, here am I again terrified by tomorrow's court proceedings, and praying that my younger son will actually get there. Almost two years ago, I thought a stint in detox, a month in rehab, and a gazillion meetings had impressed my younger son, "A.H." such that he seemed returned to life. Despite being robbed (sleeping with one's purse and key to safe now seems normal?), lied to and bullied, we didn't kick him out, but got him into detox/rehab fast. Afterwards, he had ups and downs emotionally, then found a job he loved. I had never seen him so happy or self-assured. A few months later, because neither his manager nor AH seemed to get that off job socializing was a bad idea (both men would go to places on double dates; it was not long before AH's manager got drunk and confided potentially damaging info to AH, and not long afterward, fired AH in fear. AH was an employee at will-as I warned him. That funny, wonderful, loving kid of mine was soon gone again-depressed beyond normal and getting self destructive. It did not help that he was bullied for years in school.

He lied to us. He got caught with drugs.
He has not dealt wth grief.
He stole checks from us so that we can't pay bills. Everything is back in the safe.


Likely you all understand. We have found a long term recovery retreat which I feel happier about, but I have, after many years of dealing with my husband's alcoholism, son's drugs, and son's death SO need time off from this relentless pain.

I will get more specific when I can stop shaking.

Much love to all who suffer similarly.

Me, again-had to jump off as I was no longer alone. Don't know if I am in the right place, but if AH is going to have to go "back" to rehab, I would really like to see him come out with tools to improve all of his decisions, and with more than going to meetings and saying, 'Hi, I am AH and I am an alcoholic' " (which has kept my husband sober, but not helped him re-enter the world, for 20 years. I am not putting down his sobriety and I love him). I would like "AH" to come out of a program thinking, "I beat drugs, I CAN do more than that'-sort of "Hello, I am "AH" and I'm a 1) happy person's 2) with a place to work that I love, 3) hobbies like scuba and) a significant other. Oh, yeah, I once beat addiction, too.

Call me stupid, but at just under sixty I have left behind a lot behind me-some of which I am not proud, some of which was done to me, and some of which I am actually proud of-but is still history. What make addiction so much worse, that having beaten it one continually carries the scarlet "A" (for addiction, not adultery <g>) for life? Have none of us had to overcome similarly bad history?

I am no longer talking to old resources who believe that if I don't insist on the traditional, I am, then, of course enabling.

I am exhausted and know that I need to care for ME, but if any of you have thoughts about non-twelve step programs, I would like to hear. Please no flames.-.-I will burn up and scatter.

Love, again

LLAWEN

Welcome LLAWEN,

Your post is in the Secular Connections forum.

There aren't many family members who visit this forum.
Would you like your post moved to the family forum?

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Here's what I hear.

AH knows intimately that addiction can be beaten through a short process of self-recovery. You, his mother, say you have done it and he may suspect it is a common occurrence, something he could do. It is. I did it. A bunch of people here on SR have done it. And we've been interested enough to stick around and validate self-recovery for the sake of newcomers.

AH knows intimately that some others believe they must remain in the well known recovery group movement without which they will usually admit to being at risk of getting drunk or stoned - to wit your husband. I was in it for 10 years long ago, but was not there to stay stopped. I had already quit for good. I was there first to get the authorities off my back; second to try to change it by pushing Quad A; and finally to have an excuse to get out of the house because I had a selfish streak that occasionally surpassed my desire to be a better father and husband.

AH knows intimately the premature death of a brother, and how that can test the resilience of a family. I suffered that experience, too. It had no influence upon my addiction or subsequent recovery.

AH knows intimately the dynamics of being an addict in a home with a low trust level and the ability to behave very irresponsibly with minimal consequences. About that I have little experience, but I do know how I would have abused the leniency if it had existed.

If AH gives excuses to justify his drug use, even the death of his brother, there is a program that suggests you not buy into it, not even one little bit. That program is Rational Recovery's Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. It is a program of self-recovery that any adult is capable of doing. The stronger the addict believes it is outrageously wrong to drink or drug any more, the easier it will be to quit for good.

There is a set of four AVRT educational discussion threads right here on Secular Connections webpage where you began this thread. It has almost 2000 posts strung out over the last ten months. It is unequalled in the variety of ways people first come to begin learning AVRT.

The most concise resource to learn AVRT is the book, "Rational Recovery, The New Cure for Substance Addiction, The Revolutionary Alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous" which is available from Amazon for a few dollars. Another quick, free resource for AVRT is on the creator/founders Jack and Lois Trimpey's website Rational Recovery | Welcome to Rational Recovery .

I may be going out on a limb a little bit here, but as I see it, the best you can do is -
require AH get trusted medical opinions regarding detoxification
continue to be an example of an abstainer for him to observe,
firmly lay down the law of the household as a team with your husband,
consider imposing random drug tests,
have him make contact with Rational Recovery (if you so choose)
don't be surprised if he gets himself kicked out of your home,
suggest he sign up here (anonymously from you) on SR.

Family Member here.

My husband got hooked on pain meds after a sports injury and several surgeries. Instead of weaning off, he ended up adding more .

Now about 15 months later.... he is in a non-12 step rehab center where he went through detox, and is now getting individual therapy along with other holistic treatments. He is doing really well.

When he was actively using and not wanting to stop, I went ahead on my own and started researching recovery methods. I wanted to be ready to assist my husband when he was ready. It took a while but he made the decision on his own.

Neither of us could embrace the 12 step approach because of the issues of being powerless, and the necessary lifetime commitment to declare himself as an addict and attend meetings that keep him an addict.

What we chose was more of an individualized approach where he works with a great staff of psychiatrist and other therapists. Dare I say....addiction is not considered a lifelong disease.

From my readings I think most of the concepts are very similiar to AVRT, SMART. And I would suggest also that you look at CRAFT because they have things specifically for family.

I started here on Newcomers, and because I was family was directed to the Family Forum, but I must say I have had a lot of people telling me what we are doing is all wrong because its not 12 step based. It does get tiring !

My husbands treatment puts a high value on family participation, and family therapy also. Its because as you said, a person coming out of rehab has to be able to go back home and adjust to real life. In my husbands case that means me and our 5 month old son, his career waiting while he is on medical leave, etc.

Just wanted to say hello, and let you know you are not alone.