Watchful

I drank to excess on St. Patty's day - after 3.5 months with no alcohol. A caveat, though, during the last month of that time, I have been taking more prescribed benzodiazepines than I should. To get high. To escape. So despite the fact that I wasn't drinking, I was still feeding my addiction.

I need help and I don't know where to go, except to an AA meeting. The problem is, I don't want a sponsor. I don't want to "work the steps" and admit powerlessness. What I need is some people to talk to. I am struggling with some spiritual issues right now w/regard to church and going to AA is going to muddy the waters.

I do not want to drink or drug any more at all. My behavior over the past month was, I believe, part of a mild mania (I have been diagnosed Bipolar II, but I still am not 100% sure about this diagnosis) Along with the increased anxiety, I have been feeling "called" to go to church and "get right with God". This has pleased my mother to no end and I woke up one day after a few weeks of feeling this way (about church) and asked myself "What the hell am I doing?". Once something gets in my head, it's like a speeding train. I have been thinking hard about drinking for a while, and felt like I had no outlet for the agitation I was feeling. So I would take an extra Klonopin and forget about it, but it was still there the next day. So Saturday night I was drunk and high, knowing I would berate myself for it the next day, and I did.

I am here yet again, feeling that my life would so much easier to bear with a little chemical assistance, prescribed, legal, or not. But I want to be sober. And I feel totally alone. I know if I go to AA I'll hear the same old tired cliches and I am just not in the mood.

I don't know if I really want advice. I don't know what I want, really, by posting this. I come here when I feel at loose ends and then stay away because I feel like I have it under control.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

BillyPilgrim

You dont have to take a sponsor at AA, in my experience nobody forces that, you can still get value from attending

Terminally Unique

OK, you don't want to go to AA. If not AA, though, are you willing to try anything else at this point? It isn't the only game in town, and even if it is the only thing available locally, it isn't the only thing available online. AVRT can be done without meetings, and SMART has online meetings and its own forum, for example. LiferRing also has an online forum.