Here to learn
 

Hey, thought I would introduce myself here. More than a few have suggested I check out the discussion here. I've got 8 months but I can't yet say I'm never going to drink again. Although I resent being called "pathetic" by some of the very passionate among you... it's got a bit of truth in it. I feel like I am still carrying a burden 8 months after I supposedly let it go.

Anyway, hi.

Hi GFC :-)

Great job on your eight months~~! You don't sound pathetic at all to me~~

I support the theory that those who decide to stop attending recovery group meetings, F2F or Online, even after many years, have more difficulty with deciding whether or not to stay quit than those who have the same length of abstinence and never went to recovery group meetings. So, as I see it, the sooner the better. Life is short, there's a lot to do, and spending a lot of time (like the rest of your LIFE?) to work on NOT doing something doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Hey Girl,
Pathetic? LOL I've been called that and far worse in my life ;) Your Avatar has the "whatev" sign right? If someone says something that rings true to you and can help you move forward, then great. Otherwise...water off a duck's back. Glad you're here.

I think she's referring to me... :)

I called the attitude pathetic, but I can see how it might be taken differently.

As long as you keep the option on the table, then there is another drink/fix with your name on it somewhere 'out there' in the future. This keeps hope for the Beast alive and kicking, and you'll feel like you are carrying a burden, as you say. Quitting something you love one-day-at-a-time is easy in the short run, which is why people do it, but difficult in the long run.

You? LOL Oh right, meanie pants ;)

GFC, he's got a point in the above post. I don't quit ODAAT, and that's why. Drinking is not an option ever...and for me that is a relief. That brings me peace.

Congrats on 8 months!

In my 20 year drinking history I managed to do what most alcoholics dream of doing and that is going from drinking like an alkie to drinking like a "normal person" (with "dream" being the key word). So yea, I drastically reduced the frequency and amount I drank (several times per week to once or twice per month for the last few years). Turns out I was only kidding myself. I still was an alcoholic no matter how often or how much I drank. You see, I destroyed any possibility of having a "normal" relationship with alcohol by abusing it to begin with. That dream is just a pipe dream. It took me many years to see (rather I should say "accept") this. As long as I was continuing to drink then I couldn't mentally or emotionally separate from the guilt, the shame, everything that comes with being an alcoholic bring to your life. Drinking in moderation doesn't exist for me anymore - in the last several years I still drank 3x more than any normal person would anyways. I'm no longer going to try to fool myself. I will never drink again.

Having admitted to a problem with alcohol I would ask you to strongly reconsider attempting what few (if any) alcoholics have successfully done before.

http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/wave.gif Welcome to the secular side of SR GirlFromCO and good going on the 8 months

I've learned that saying 'I will never drink again' is easy for me. I'm well practiced at doing so much so that it has lost its meaning to me. Today my concern is with not drinking now. If I'm committed to not drinking in the everlasting present moment , I wont be drinking for an exceeding long time.

That's why I'm here :)

It's possible... LOL! You do take some getting used to ;) I'm sure some would say the same about me, though. Anyway, that's a bunch of whatev water rolling right off my little duckie back and under the bridge. I'm going to get busy reading those links you sent me.

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone :)

So, in other words, you never drink now, then?

It's always 'now', so if that's the case, you'll never drink again. :)

I also just want to say that I fully realize this is my problem, not yours. Back to reading...

Do you mind if I ask why you feel as if you can't say that you'll never drink again?

S4MT, honestly I think it's because I still want to drink. I mean, intellectually I don't - I do remember how awful drinking was and I have absolutely no intention of drinking anytime in the near future. But I keep thinking that in a few years it will probably be fine. I guess I think that my problem with alcohol had more to do with depression and a host of anxieties I had. Now that I'm not drinking, I feel like I should be able to sort those out and then I wouldn't behave the way I had in the past.

Love it Zen—you seem to have found a wormhole through space and time that manages to bridge "ODAAT" and "never" in one fell swoop. Very cool. :)

GFCO, I'm really glad you're over here. I think this is a great discussion to have, and a great crowd with whom to be having it. You already know how I feel: You're my friend... but you're getting bamboozled by the voice of your addiction.

Or put another way, now that you're not drinking, your depression has gotten better, and you're able to sort through the various issues in your life. Chicken, meet Egg. I believe you when you say you're not going to drink anytime soon. What worries me is that you'll waste a perfectly good recovery listening to that little voice telling you that you're missing out, and feeling shortchanged. That's no way to live.

Any reason to believe that other than the little voice that tells you so?

I'm not trying to put you on the spot. I"m trying to draw out that little voice, so we can collectively slam it against the curb. That way you can completely relax and enjoy the full benefits of the enormous effort you've made to get this far. :)

PS: I'm aware that with AVRT we don't actually battle the voice, we just neutralize it through recognition. But the body slam metaphor feels good after all the crap it put me through....

There is no comparison between one-day-at-a-time tentative sobriety and the never-ending now. Worlds apart. The corresponding analogue to "I never now drink" using a single day as a measure would be:

"I will never drink on any given day." (regardless of what day it is)

Compare to:

"I will not drink just for today."

or

"I will not drink just one-day-at-a-time."

Congrats on the 8 months. You must be on the right track. I'm here to learn also. This site does have some good advice.

Lol, sorry, TU. I was being lighthearted. Thus the wormhole that simultaneously bridges and swoops, which I thought seemed sort of ridiculous... Oh, never mind... Or at least please don't mind on this particular day. :)

By all means, R&A, put me on the spot. I'm really trying to understand this. I want to draw out that voice and examine its logic. You're right - I can't do recovery like this. Either it's okay for me to drink or it's not. I don't want to do this with only half my heart anymore.

Thinking about your questions...

Not at this point, which is why I'm not drinking. (P.S. thanks to everyone for helping me sort it out here, out loud, so to speak.)

I don't have a good answer re: chicken & egg. I don't feel shortchanged. I feel like I was wrong about the reason for my problem. Like it wasn't alcohol - it was me. Everything I touched I had a problem with, lol. My dysfunction certainly wasn't limited to my behavior with alcohol.

I know this all must sound so stupid and deluded but I have got to work through these feelings. Thanks again for listening.

@ GirlfromCo, I think I may be on the same page as you, though with much less sobriety so far. I know that alcohol wasn't really the problem, it was me and my own anxieties, depression and my 'addictive personality' which led me to drink. I'm not actually sure an addictive personality really exists but I do know that at various stages in my life I have considered myself 'addicted' to or at least had an unhealthy relationship with exercise, sex, food, tobacco, music, alcohol, and various other obsessions which seemed to take over. I suppose it's a matter of deciding which ones are good addictions. My current addiction is herbal tea...is it possible to overdose on Valerian? ;)