freethinking

My husband and I went to a party on NYE. I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I was thrown off when that part of me started thinking that a sip of alcohol might be nice. The host of the party kept graciously making sure everyone's drinks were always filled...thankfully, he knew I was pregnant so he didn't offer me any (and so I didn't have to continuously explain why I went from being the booze-hound of our group to the sober one....because I swear nobody can make heads or tails of it).

I did have a good time at this party, but man - everyone kept remarking on how good these pomegranate martinis were and how strong they were but yet again "how good" they tasted (OK, I get it! They're strong but delightfully tasty - now shut UP about it!!). At one point, I felt auto-pilot start to take over where I could visualize myself taking a sip "just to see what everyone was raving about". Like it would have been very plausible and harmless to take just a sip, "just to taste".

I've made a purposeful effort not to shield myself from booze, yet my addictive voice has been pretty dormant for a while. I was really taken aback by the fact that I started envying those who were drinking the other night - or rather that my addictive voice was.

The weirdest thing out of all of it was that I woke up the next morning with a slight feeling of panic and shame - like I used to when I would wake up not remembering what I had done.

Anyway, I just needed to put this out there for some reason. I'm still a non-drinker, still newly pregnant, and still feeling b*tchy and emotional which is why I have been laying low. Thanks for reading.

lostbutterfly

i think when the av has been quiet a while, it has more impact when it does decide to speak up. Mine has been so quiet, i forgot i had a drinking problem, so when I felt like a drink the other night, it threw me too. I suppose that is why shifting is good, keeps us in practice.

freethinking

Yeah, that's a good point. I must have falsely thought in my head that the quietness of my AV meant I was over it.

Jeans

It's good to vent, and it's really annoying when people are going on about how great their drink is. I had to pretend I was drinking vodka and coke on NYE because everyone kept going on about me drinking.

Good luck in your sobriety

freethinking

Yes, could not agree more.

NESfan

Only one of my friends was drinking on NYE, the fellow who was hosting. It was surreal and humbling to watch him and realize that for the past few years I was "that guy" nearly every time we hung out. Glad my sober friends stuck with me.

DrivenHeart85

Congrats about being newly pregnant!

I'd think your reaction to that party seems pretty normal. I get that way when I have to hang around my family/relatives when it's all about drinking. Then they talk about how great drinking is and you can tell how it's turning them into these relaxed, super happy people and my AV is just screaming "Let me out! Let me drink tooooooooooo!!!!!" It's hard to feel neutral to the AV at that point so I usually remind myself that I'm actually not like these people that can drink because if I drink now, two months down the road my life will be a train wreck again and that helps me get a grip and ignore the AV again.

If you hadn't been to a party like that with alcohol so predominant for a while too that'd explain it...probably why they say on the AVRT thread to tease your Beast in tempting situations so you know how to take it when the day comes and it catches you off guard.

And for the sake of being crabby today...last day of my vacation ...I'd like to add that the people were possibly assholes for bragging about drinking around someone pregnant...at the very least they could've made one without the alcohol for you which would've been equally, if not more, tasty.

FT

Hi freethinking,

I'm so glad you were able to get through the evening without drinking. Even if it were not for the baby. For you. That's a milestone, really.

I don't think it will EVER not appear pleasant and fun to drink casually, because it IS pleasant and fun to drink casually. It's okay to recognize that, and even to envy it. I also envy the people who can eat as much as they want and not get fat! Not quite the analogy I wanted, but hey.

The deal is, I don't WANT to "envy" the casual drinking activities. What is envy anyway? I don't want to view those activities as something to "miss". I can remember a time, many years ago, when I could count myself among the casual drinkers. But I married a drinker, and I "learned" to drink daily. It became a problem. Maybe if I had married someone else? I don't know. My parents were drinkers when I was a child, and yet my mother was a heavy wine drinker for a number of years when my dad left her. Circumstantial alcoholism? I don't know.

Back to your dilemma, though. I had the strongest "envy" I can remember in recent years when my husband and I were riding our bikes by the local marina, where there is a nice Italian restaurant with outdoor seating. We often smell the food as we cycle by, and it is nice. We don't eat there, because my husband doesn't like Italian food.

But, one day last summer, they had a free wine tasting going on, during a warm and gorgeous summer day. We could smell the food again like usual, but THIS time, I was drawn to the smell of the wine.

Whoa. Wait a minute. Lordy, for a brief moment, I was so drawn to that smell, with an odd longing for joining the group of happy, smiling, and slightly buzzed people out on the deck sampling the wine.

I did NOT like that feeling.

But it was brief. And in that same moment, I flashed back to the hangovers, to the waking up and wishing I could just stop.

These feelings will probably never go away, at least for me. The topic comes up about the Addictive Voice and when it will stop, as though it stopping was going to happen. It isn't going to stop. It's just being human, I guess. But, just like I'm not going to start having a half gallon of ice cream for dessert every evening and eat all the steak I want (with the fat on), I'm not going to start drinking again, either.

All I can say is, GOOD FOR YOU.

I am a non-drinker and I have been for a long time now. I do what non-drinkers do. Maybe they smell the food and the wine and smile and observe it as something fun, too. Hey, that's me.

FT

onlythetruth

Well my AV is pretty quiet, usually. But he stopped by to say "Hi!" for the holiday.

It all started when my daughter asked if it bothered me that I couldn't drink like everyone else on new year's. And up piped the old AV, claiming that (get this) I've abstained from booze for so long that SURELY one drink on a festive occasion couldn't hurt! He wanted me to give it a try, and hoist a cocktail with my kid for the holiday!

It has been a long time since I heard from my AV. I thought he was gone, but apparently not. Fortunately, I have this thing called a memory, and was easily able to recall my last drinking episode, which involved enough embarrassment to last me a lifetime. This got rid of the AV pretty quickly.

So...he's weak, but he's a wily ******* and he's still there. He's not going to get me to drink again though: I am a non-drinker.

freethinking

I think you're right on that (thanks for sharing that experience about the wine tasting, BTW). I would love to be the type of person to have 2-3 and call it a day. But I know deep down that if I even had a sip that night, I'd probably be on day 3 of a binge right now with divorce papers right around the corner. I think I'll stick to my panic-free mornings, showering, and being a mother to these two kids I chose to bring into the world.

freethinking

Can very much relate. Occasionally, during this past holiday season, my mind has wandered into the following thought: "Well, this is all about brainwashing. At first I was brainwashed into thinking I'd surely drink if I didn't go to meetings, (and I would drink when I didn't go to meetings and was following that belief system). Then I re-brainwashed myself to understand that I and I alone had the power to simply not drink, regardless of my circumstances. So following that pattern, I can also brainwash myself to just have 2-3 drinks at social gatherings and call it a day. I'll brainwash myself into being a normal drinker".

[ETA: the reality of that last thought is that I have tried it, and my brain usually reaches a point where, after having "succeeded" at the 2-3 drink thing on a few occasions, it says "But what is the point of just having 2-3 anyway? Why do I need rules for myself?" I always rationalize my way out of what I said I would stick to]

These thoughts are scary, because sometimes they go on and play out without me even catching what is happening. I then have to remind myself who is doing the talking and bring out the real, rational-speaking me. The person who wants to survive.

freethinking

Thanks!

Actually, only the host and his wife knew I was pregnant so I don't think the other people were trying to be rude. Also to be noted is that the one woman who kept going on about those effing drinks was pretty shnockered and kept repeating herself. Well I hope she woke up with a hangover dammit!

Cascabel

My AV kicked in successfully after over 30 years of sobriety. I now know that it is always lurking there waiting for an excuse to speak up. It has taken me two years go get back into my sober life and I am now much more alert to the voice's seductive pleadings. The AV never goes away!

Terminally Unique

True freedom will come when you welcome the Addictive Voice as a natural phenomenon, never to be feared. The very idea that the absence of AV is a good thing is itself the AV, suggesting that only in the absence of desire will you be "safe" from drinking again. If you never drink, who cares that that stupid voice says, anyway?

You should be able to walk through a distillery if you had good reason to be there, or sleep with a bottle of vodka under your pillow, knowing that you are perfectly safe. If the AV pops up, just observe it, and think "Oh, look, that stupid Beast wants to drink. What else is new? I guess it's too bad for the Beast that I don't drink. After all the trouble IT caused me, though, I'm certainly going to enjoy watching IT squirm a little."

onlythetruth

Oh yes, TU. Very true. I was surprised that the AV was still there, but it didn't tempt me as much as amuse me. My reaction was more like "nice try, you sneaky Beast!".

raindancer11

I had the same feelings this past holiday season after not having a desire for quite a while. It seems that there is a limit to how much I can be around alcohol and people talking about it. It didn't help that I was attracted to the people who were on their way to getting snockered. Past behavior rearing it's ugly head.

Helpful thread. Thanks.