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-   -   Do You Ever Feel? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/secular-connections/224537-do-you-ever-feel.html)

Supercrew 04-12-2011 09:46 AM

Do You Ever Feel?
 
I have been coming to this forum for the better part of 300 days, and I feel like I am getting healthier mentally and physically. The healthier I get it seems like I am growing farther away from being able to really empathise with many of the posters in the forum.

I feel like I found my solution, with the help of many people here, and I would like to help others, but I feel like the solution is so simple now for me, that I have a hard time watching repeated failures, and just the dyfunctionality of the way people go about solving their alcohol and non-alcohol related problems.

I feel I need to keep coming back to SR because it keeps me grounded and reminds me of where I was less than a year ago, but is it really healthy to read endless posts about peoples problems day after day? Especially when I feel that although I might have what they need I would probably offend them by offering up my advice.

I am really trying to lead a very sober and optimistic lifestyle, so is it healthy to dive into the heart of dysfunctionality on a daily basis? Also sometimes I feel so adamant in my views that I basically will write a post only to go back and delete it because I don't think many people here really want to hear the truth, and I know it will be taken as negative. I really want to help others, but how do you affect change in others when the reality is many people here I feel are looking for an outlet and not a real solution?

aasharon90 04-12-2011 10:14 AM

I share my own experiences, strengths and hopes
of what is going on with me. No one elses. I can't
worry or control what others think or say or even
respond on what I write whether it is positive or
negative. If I read what u write to me and it helps
my situation then great. If not, no biggie I just move
on.

I cant worry what others think or say because its
none of my business and its out of my control.

Helping the newcomer is a way to stay sober and
keeps our program active. Helping others by using
the steps and principles as a guideline. You dont
have to air out ur laundry so to speak and keep
it simple.

recycle 04-12-2011 11:17 AM

Krishnamurti used to argue that we (humans) are all exactly alike. Of course whomever he was talking to at the time would retort, “Aren't we are all individuals? After all some people are homicidal maniacs, and some people like pumpernickel bread” and so on. The longer the protest went on, the more Krishnamurti’s point was made. In total, we have an amazingly long list of ultimately trivial differences, and once you start looking at them as a group of billions, we are exactly the same: We are all convinced we are unique and we all suffer.

Yes, I see lots of people who come to SR and they appear to be doomed to failure, or another failure, I generally try to manifest a good thought for them whether I post it or not. In this process, I cannot help to wonder what am I being thick headed about. What is the next thing I am going to understand that I did not even know was a problem? What is going to allow me to get out of my own way enough to see it? Past experience shows me that it is helping someone else that is my most powerful teacher. Helping someone who I believe is making a mistake, does not diminish this regardless of where they are on the path or which direction they are pointing.

(I know the above is not always true, I continually get in my own way, feeling like I have prove that I am right/healthy/smart/etc. Thankfully only about half of what I write ever makes it on SR. Perhaps humility is another thing I get from SR. They sure are some good folks here who have helped me a lot.)

LaFemme 04-12-2011 11:44 AM

I have similar thoughts from time to time...when I find myself getting frustrated (especially in the Newcomers section) I pull back a little and go to the Gratitude section, down here or Kicking Asphalt. I find I need to be around people who are positive about sobriety, whose lives are going in the right direction.

I do try and offer help to the newcomers when I can, if I feel like they are dragging me down I take a break, my sobriety is more important than theirs (at least to me).

I also sometimes wait until a person has posted twice, at least to say something more than just "Hi!"...I can't get emotionally invested in someone else's recovery, but I can offer a friendly face:)

Kjell 04-12-2011 11:55 AM

Hi Supercrew-

I think balance, in all aspects of our life is sooo important. If you think about it, us alkies, we're probably pretty much out of balance to begin with :)

Having face-to-face recovery friends is very important to me (which AA fills that void, but I'm sure there are other alternatives). So is having "regular" friends and activities too (something I'm just now starting to do again - ex. tennis).

...but I do know exactly what you mean. Take a break man. Learn something new.

Do something, anything, everything different.

Kjell~

Supercrew 04-12-2011 12:20 PM

Thanks for the replies! Don't get me wrong, I enjoy coming here and I really feel this part of my recovery (SR), is an important outlet for me to not become complacent and to have the ability to help others.

I laugh because I allow this forum and some of the threads to seep into my everyday thoughts, and even into conversations with my wife. And although it does keep me active in my recovery sometimes it feels like I just watched 30 episodes of Dr. Phil/Jerry Springer, and I am not sure how healthy that is.:)

Dammit Jim, I'm a salesman not a psychiatrist!:)

Beardo 04-12-2011 01:08 PM

I wouldn't worry too much about wether what you have to say is perceived as being negative / offensive, you can only offer up the truth as you see it and leave it at that. Even if someone takes a post negatively it still might put the idea of what you're trying to get across in their head.
I certainly didn't get sober by people being nice to me about it. Sometimes a good verbal slap was exactly what I needed!
I know I haven't posted alot on here yet but I'm really grateful for all the advice offered up, it's all food for thought and you would have to work pretty hard to offend me :)

JohnBarleycorn 04-12-2011 01:18 PM


Originally Posted by Supercrew (Post 2932379)
I have been coming to this forum for the better part of 300 days, and I feel like I am getting healthier mentally and physically. The healthier I get it seems like I am growing farther away from being able to really empathise with many of the posters in the forum.

I feel like I found my solution, with the help of many people here, and I would like to help others, but I feel like the solution is so simple now for me, that I have a hard time watching repeated failures, and just the dyfunctionality of the way people go about solving their alcohol and non-alcohol related problems.

I feel I need to keep coming back to SR because it keeps me grounded and reminds me of where I was less than a year ago, but is it really healthy to read endless posts about peoples problems day after day? Especially when I feel that although I might have what they need I would probably offend them by offering up my advice.

I am really trying to lead a very sober and optimistic lifestyle, so is it healthy to dive into the heart of dysfunctionality on a daily basis? Also sometimes I feel so adamant in my views that I basically will write a post only to go back and delete it because I don't think many people here really want to hear the truth, and I know it will be taken as negative. I really want to help others, but how do you affect change in others when the reality is many people here I feel are looking for an outlet and not a real solution?

For whatever it's worth, Supercrew, you have, on more than one occasion, posted precisely what I was thinking.

I, too, have wondered whether or not hanging around here too much is a good idea, and sometimes I find myself thinking that I should ask the administrators to ban me permanently. :-)

I do know that I have helped people on here, as some have personally thanked me, and that does provide some justification for coming back.

The repeated failures, as you point out, can be disheartening, but as Otto von Bismarck once wisely said, "Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others."

That said, if you need to take a break from SR, or if you feel you would be better served by moving on entirely, by all means do so.

LaFemme 04-12-2011 01:44 PM


Originally Posted by JohnBarleycorn (Post 2932581)
That said, if you need to take a break from SR, or if you feel you would be better served by moving on entirely, by all means do so.

Sorry, Nope, You are not allowed to leave SR or I will through a temper tantrum!

:explode

Supercrew 04-12-2011 02:02 PM

Thank you LaFemme, I will obey your instructions.:)

LaFemme 04-12-2011 02:44 PM


Originally Posted by Supercrew (Post 2932622)
Thank you LaFemme, I will obey your instructions.:)

Sigh ....the world would be a much better place if everyone obeyed me!

:rotfxko

luckedog 04-12-2011 03:01 PM

Supercrew-- I could not have expressed it better myself! I find myself going for a few days without even logging in because it is depressing. This secular thread is somewhat of an exception. So I usually come here and by-pass the broken record winning. Sorry if I seem insensitive, don’t mean to be.

Me too LaF!!
I'm so happy I have to sit on both hands to keep from waving at everyone!

P.S. Really, thanks to you all for keeping me sane and sober!!! I don't think I would have made it this far without you, I respect and highly regard your opinion (even, and especially, those who don’t agree with me) You make me think and examine my beliefs!

Hollyanne 04-12-2011 03:26 PM

Well, Supercrew.
Where to start? When I came here first, I tended to keep the moderators busy.
I tended to jump in with the first thing that came into my head. Even if that meant being really over the top with my "suggestions". I have learned to check myself before posting. I also have learned to do this in the real world. I have to think before I speak. I also have to learn patience.

Recently my darling little nephew was listening to a story, the young man was told to do all these things and kept kinda NOT DOING WHAT HE WAS TOLD!
In the end, my nephew stopped the story and protested that he could no longer listen as the man simply would not follow instructions and kept causing problems. Very funny and kind of cute.
I am a bit like that when reading posts and have to catch myself from being all judgmental and stuff. I did not get this first go either and have made an awful lot of dumb choices in life. I am also great at giving advice, not so good at taking it though.

I feel in certain forums that I have to mind my manners. This is also true in real life. What is appropriate behaviour, boundaries, respecting superiors etc. I have a little problem with authority and really do not like being corrected.

All these things can be hard to change, and are very ingrained behaviours.. This site is like a little "society" to practice "behaving". A lot of us kind of skipped the growing up and maturing part because of our addiction or did we get addicted because we weren't very good at the growing up part?..........

luckedog 04-12-2011 03:42 PM

SORRY, I meant whinning, not winning. DUUHHHH

Supercrew 04-12-2011 03:51 PM

I agree Hollyanne, and I really have toned down my message in the last few months. I don't have a problem being understanding and non-confrontational in the forum or in life, but often times I just don't empathise anymore. I can live with the differing opinions regarding recovery and the different programs and even the different posters. But since my recovery has clicked it is hard to see someone who has failed after numerous times, because I know it can be done if someone really wants to do it. So shouting encouragement to someone who doesn't want to succeed with all their heart seems almost like an exercise in futility.

I apologize if I come off as opinionated, I know that all of our problems are not the same, and I only try to relate my experience to others, and it is tough to comment and help others with the limited info we can gather on a forum like this. At the same time I feel like I found some real solutions in regards to my alcohol problems and my marriage, so I try to let people know what works for me.

I apologize if I come off as overbearing to you Hollyanne.

Plus when you have Adonis DNA and Tiger blood like me, how could I ever be wrong?:)

content1 04-12-2011 03:51 PM

This is my first post. Hope this makes sense - I've been on here for awhile now and have been reading and absorbing the things that help me in my recovery. AA did not work for me although I do have a good friend that is a strong believer in that program. Different things work for different folks. In going on nine months sober and go to a therapist (helps me work on me, not just my addiction) and mens group (we share and encourage each other - non AA) once a week. This works for me and I dont experience cravings or anything like that. I've learned to handle my stress with activities I enjoy (jetskiing, working out, movies, family, etc). Things drinking prevented me from enjoying. Stress was my main trigger and learning to deal with it without drinking was huge. I've read many of the posting from this group and just so you know they do help. Just wanted to say thanks

justjo 04-12-2011 04:09 PM

Im not sure how long ago I joined, something like 3 years ago. When I first joined I was looking for help, big time.
I too didnt like some of the answers or suggestions I got either and some people were outright rude, you know 'know it alls', I thought at the time.
You know what though, if those people hadnt done that, who knows what Id be thinking right now.
My sister died from alcoholism 16 months ago and I too after all this time sometimes think 'what have I got to offer anymore?' and is it healthy for me.

Thing is though, I have met some of the most beautiful people on earth here who understood, shared and cared about me. Ive never had this from anyone else. When my sister died I was so alone, but the comfort I was given here helped me get through it.

So, whenever I can I log on, 'comfort' is always here. I read some posts and I dont respond only because I dont relate or someone has said what I thought anyways.

Back to the questions though, I do whats right for me and I 'try' not to offer advice and give my experiences only. Ive really got to know myself being here at SR but the best part is everyone else Ive got to know too. I guess we all leave here whenever the time is right.

LuvU all JJ

AnthonyV 04-12-2011 04:21 PM

http://thesameffect.com/wp-content/uploads/life1.jpg

I hope it makes sense why I posted this here.

Hollyanne 04-12-2011 04:38 PM

Supercrew, Not overbearing at all!
I love a good row!
I just realize now, that not everybody else does!
I know what you mean about some people not getting it, over and over and being like it's their first run at it.

OklaBH 04-12-2011 04:40 PM

I'm one of the annoying newbies. I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you that take time to read and post! It is appreciated


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