And I was just thinking how easy this is...
 

I had made the statement to a SR friend about how easy of a time I was having the past few weeks in maintaining sobriety. No urges, very few thoughts of drinking. and feeling very good about my early recovery. Some how, I felt this time is different and my commitment, although starting out rather weak, was firmly set.
This past Friday delivered me a sucker-punch from the side. I wanted to get drunk. Not sloppy, but that misdirected memory of the pleasantly buzzed feeling of utopia that I somehow still thought happens when you drink "just enough for a buzz." And I almost did it!! The soberPádraic couldn't believe that thought entered my consciousness and sat momentarily amazed at the two hands on the steering wheel and the foot pressing on the accelerator, intent on heading to the convenience store for beer. But within a mind-second, I remembered who was really in charge of the hands and foot. And with a stern voice I simply said, "No. There is no way I am going to do this." Although there was a bit of tussling, I drove past the store and left drunkPádraic to crawl back to the deep parts of my primal brain and snivel. I did not succumb.

It took that reminder to see who was in control. It was AVRT in action and it was successful. SoberPádraic is the decision-maker and I choose not to drink. I have the ability to say no to the first drink. Not a higher power, not an intangible concept...me, the one who is in complete charge of my life and destiny.

The alcoholic derelict in me will resurface again, I must always remember that. Some trigger is always going to be out there and try to catch me at a weak point. But I know that I am able to be in control of those issues as long as I remain sober. In this condition, I am able to keep saying "No" and live a life as it is meant to be lived...clean and sober. I am a thousand times stronger than the bottle.

This time, Beast, hear me roar!

Pádraic

It even gets easier CR. You always have to remember who is really in control. Even when i thought the short term gratification was worth it it never really was.

Great job!!

It never has been worth the price. But the logic behind this has always been clouded by the addiction. I read in a book that after we received that "high" in our first drinking experience, we spend the rest of our lives trying to get that again...but it never is attained. That, my friend, is a very scary thought. Thanks for the support.

Good work Creekryder!!

Good post CR, you are absolutely right; WE have the power over the "beast"! It is amazing to think how much time I let it control ME rather than the other way around! How many wasted years? I could have gotten so much more done.

You know as to a point you made earlier; that some folks think we are God haters and religion bashers here at Secular connections. First, I am a believer; I have stated that several times here (when appropriate) No one here has EVER bashed me! I am simple minded so I usually take a simple approach; God didn’t pour that first drink down my throat and he won't make me quit. That is MY responsibility - no one else’s- secondly I'm not trying to convert anyone I'm just content to be who I am. The way I see it (simple, remember) when we learn to accept and respect those who are different from us it's the first step to unity.

Good Job! I found that once I made that promise to myself that I would under no circumstances ever drink again I literally felt a 100 pounds lighter. I believe in remaining in charge. YOU did just that....good going!

I, personally, am pretty much agnostic. However, I firmly respect the belief of others and openly encourage a person's insights, whether they are theistic or atheistic. The only time where it becomes dangerous is if either side looses the restraint from saying "I'm right and you're wrong.

For whatever it's worth, Jack Trimpey of Rational Recovery is not atheist. He has stated that the idea for "The Beast" - which is what he calls the midbrain - is fully compatible with the idea of old 666.

Glad you beat the beast. I always though of it as a monster. Its how Allan Carr referred to it in his book. In early recovery I liked to visualize taking a baseball bat to the monster...bloodthirsty but effective:)

Exactly. I agree.

Good job CR!! I've kinda been going through the same thing. When I got out of the hospital on Tuesday I was firmly convinced that nothing could make my use again!! Well the weekend was a struggle, not because it was the weekend, but because I was starting to get back into my old routine again.

So I changed it up. Instead of playing video games, I read. I took my bike out for a ride, even though I didn't feel like it. I went to the gym, even though I didn't feel like it. I think doing just about anything that I don't feel like doing is the right thing, because what I really felt like doing, was getting high. When I drove by the gas stations I used to get spice from, part of me was screaming out to stop, just one more won't hurt that much. But I kept driving. I thought about the black $hit I am still spitting up out of my lungs. Thinking about ending back in the hospital, or worse yet, not making it there.

I don't know how much damage I've done to my body over that last 20+ years of substance abuse, and for most of that time I didn't really care. I'm starting to care, just starting, but, well, it's a start. I've hated myself for too long. I can't say that I love myself, but I don't think I hate myself anymore either. Like I said, I guess I'm just now stating to care at all. I haven't been to a medical doctor for a physical in more than a decade. I'm 42 and am a bit afraid of what they will tell me but I made an appointment to get checked out.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your thread CR, but I can really identify with where you are coming from. I'll keep you in mind as I "fight the good fight". Keep fighting it!! Take care.

No hijacking here, Tyler, your comments are just as important as mine. The thread is just a catalyst for us all to think and respond. Thank you for doing so.

Pádraic

Tyler...I hated myself during the last 5 years of addiction...it took me years to get to the place where I hated myself that much. And while learning to love myself again is happening much quicker it isn't happening overnight. With work i am getting there.

Threads like this are so important to me. When the addict voice pops up from time to time these types of threads help solidify me.

:)

I'm glad to hear you successfully beat back a powerful craving. Here is a SMART Recovery tool that might be helpful.

http://smartrecovery.org/resources/l...ash_course.pdf

From the SMART Recovery tool chest:

SMART Recovery® - Tool Chest and Homework

Thanks for the information Anthony. This is what makes this site work.

That was an awfully big hurdle you just jumped! You'll be able, like muscle memory, to draw on the experience in the future :)

People can wrap themselves in multiple layers of ideological, spiritual, or recovery program protective bubble wrap, but ultimately, it remains up to the individual whether they take that first drink or not.

Murray

Muarry " it remains up to the individual whether they take that first drink or not."

Man that is the truth!! I think that's why the relapse rate is so high; people depend on a program or an organization or a person. The real test comes when you are by yourself on one else around watching- will you drink? or not!

Great point gentlemen.

Ultimately we are the ones who pick up or don't. No matter what other stuff we do to insulate ourselves at the end of the day it is on us.

I am finding this thought very profound!

That's a wicked-awesome quote.

Murray