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On the edge (half vent, half plea for happy thoughts)

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On the edge (half vent, half plea for happy thoughts)

Old 02-12-2011, 04:34 PM
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Never settle.
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On the edge (half vent, half plea for happy thoughts)

This has been the worst week since I quit using. Drama at work (the girl I'm working with took off for "1 day", which I didn't mind covering, and didn't come back for 5 days, leaving me to work 24 hr/day during that time. I got about 3 hours of sleep per day, and I still haven't recovered), the rather ugly end of one of my oldest friendships (and good riddance to that [email protected]), influenza, and even more drama at work (this time I'm being blamed for things I didn't do, for the second time, by someone who works for one of our customers. I am telling my supervisor I would prefer not to be involved in any project this person is on after this).

I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I want to crawl in bed for about 2 days, or crawl under a rock and stay there forever. I feel isolated, there aren't many people out here on my field location and there certainly isn't anyone to talk to about anything personal. Everything is making me cry, from someone asking about the above-referenced former friend to another friend telling me what a nice person I am. I haven't felt so [email protected] about myself since quitting dope.

I try to keep telling myself it'll all pass, it's all temporary. It's hard not to go find a bar and drink myself into oblivion though.
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:53 PM
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Hiya Gneiss,
Sorry you are having a crap time. Me too. But, I have been able to curl up in a ball in bed!
Due to having completely burnt out in my last job and dealt with my fair/unfair? share of a$$holes, I am now working at a place which while very busy, is much easier on my noggin. They started off phoning me every day until I firmly told them that, as I had explained clearly in my interview, I am looking for life/work balance. This would not include the crazy hours and no peace from them on my days off.
I do not own the business and if I keel over and die, I will be replaced. If it isn't a stint in Haiti helping earthquake victims, it just is not worth wearing myself out for.
Tell us about the mean guy, why is that over? I have had to boot someone who I really trusted, who went and said some absolutely insane things about me and really, really hurt me. Her problem. Her lunacy. But, WTF!!!!!!
Can you try and take a little time for yourself? Any way to lessen the stress? Shorten the hours? You will not be able to keep up this pace. I am telling you, it will catch up with you and you will need a LOT of time to get over it.
Big hugs and sending a couple of "cyberslaps" to the people who are causing you problems.
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:57 PM
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Sending you some good vibes. I sorry your going through a difficult time. Sometimes a little self-soothing will help. Like getting distracted in something you like to do, hot shower, special food treat, rent a favorite movie...stuff like that.

Also keep writing out your emotions about the stress, anger, disappointment...whatever your feeling. I find that helps me to do so.

Keep challenging the thoughts about using, like think them through to where you end up emotionally and physically distressed if you used.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:45 PM
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Thanks Hollyanne. The girl I work with finally came back, after a phone call from our supervisor. I think mostly she was just thoughtless, but covering for 5 days straight while having the flu really sucked. And no doubt how I feel about the rest of my day is greatly influenced by how completely exhausted I feel.

The other work drama comes down to the basic idea that this guy screwed up, now he's under pressure from his boss because they could lose a multi-million dollar project if they can't get it figured out. So what does he do? Says it must be my fault.

I think I may ask my supervisor for a few days off, just to rest up. Generally my job is extrememly laid-back so even with the long hours it's very little stress and it doesn't bother me. But covering 5 days straight? Insane. When I took this job I moved out of my apartment and I stay at the house my company rents because field employees bounce around a lot. But I really didn't realize how much of a difference it makes to have a home base. I stay with my parents soemtimes, but on a futon in the office.... not very comfortable.

This guy and I used to be close friends, among the best I've ever had. We never dated but there were definitely mutual feelings for a while. We always kept it friends though. A couple days before his recent wedding he got wasted and tried to sleep with me, then the next day told me if he didn't have a daughter with this girl he would have married me. I was pretty upset about that, he was way out of line for saying it. I told him I wanted to stay friends but he can't say stuff like that to me. I guess his wife heard about it and he called me up screaming that he never said any of those things and he never cared about me and hopes I die in a fiery car crash (yes, he actually said that).

Wow. Nice guy. This was all a show for wifey, I'm sure. But he won't own up to his own BS, and anyone who would tell me he never cared about me to begin with and every time he ever said he did was a lie... is probably correct. He's not my friend. I don't know how I misjudged him so badly though. If I couldn't trust that friendship, that I was so confident of, it kinda makes me wonder about every friendship I have. It hurts a lot, I go back and forth from being furious at him and glad I'll never talk to him to trying not to call him and work it out. But it's over. No phone call will help. And I don't want it to help. I'm tired of being hurt and lied to.

Thanks, Zencat. I am staying clean. It's not so easy (saw one of the crew guys come in high as a kite this afternoon) but I'm workign on it. I think I have 20 months or something like that. I'm not giving it up.
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:27 PM
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gniess, sounds like a tough stretch, I am sorry that you are suffering. You are right, this is temporary. BTW these are not problems, they are opportunities. Be ready to make the most of them. Sometimes we make the most progress when we are the most challenged. It would be a shame to be stoned and miss what this moment has to offer...

Please take care of yourself.

PS Feel free to throw the opportunities/problems thing in my face when I come to you with a problem errrr opportunity. I really believe it to be true, sometimes it is hard to see.
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:43 PM
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Big cyberhugs gneiss!

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. When you took this job I remember you having some concerns about some of the issues that are cropping up...the moving around, the fact that there is a lot of substance abuse on the crews. So Im going to agree with recycle that this is a learning opportunity...not that it doesn't suck big time.

My life coach told me the other day that the most important thing we can do to have a good life is practice gratitude. Practicing gratitude is pretty easy when things go well but really hard when things go bad so ill start you off.

I'm grateful gneiss found out this guy friend was a jerk and didn't bean him on the head with a cast iron frying pan. I'm grateful he will no longer be in gneisses life.

Hugs again! LaFemme/Tina
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:23 PM
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I remember that too. I'm not going to use, I knew I was going to have to roll with the punches occasionally. I just kinda thought I'd have one of my best friends around to help me do that. He was a big part of my support system, but his behavior had become increasingly strange lately. I started to wonder if he was back on drugs himself. He had also become strangely possessive of our friendship, making comments that it would be hard for him when I got a boyfriend (uhh.. why? You're married), and insulting or criticizing any new friends I had.

So I'm grateful to have that guy out of the way, with him around I do not have a chance to grow.

And even with the silliness of the last week I'm grateful for my job and my amazing supervisor.

And I'm grateful for an old friend who dropped everything and drove 100 miles to come have dinner with me when former friend started his [email protected] She's one of those "retarded losers" he thought I shoudn't hang out with.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:32 PM
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Meh....he sounds like a retarded loser himself. Actually he sounds like my friends ex who turned ouut to be bi-polar delusional addict. I'm glad he is out of the picture thoough I know finding out about a persons true nature can be rotten.

Glad your friend came throufh with dinner. I hope you can take a day or two to get over the flu.

Xoxo, T
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Old 02-13-2011, 03:18 PM
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Feeling better. I slept for about 14 hours last night. I definitely needed it. Gives me a little more mental capacity for dealing with the rest of it.

As for the longest shift ever, my 5 day shift will not go unrewarded. My supervisor has requested double day rate and double bonuses for 4 of the 5 days I worked. I also requested that whenever possible I not work on a well with the person who is blaming me for his mistakes (it's the second time he's done it). So work is all squared away and I'm feeling good about that.

As for this friend... not going to lie, I miss him like crazy and it hurts. But I think it's better. Our friendship was doomed. I felt like we both kept saying "We're still friends" just to make ourselves believe it, but the truth was every time we hung out things got a little more rocky, a little more hurtful. Time to cut my losses and move on. It's like breaking an addiction. Thinking about him is habbit, I have to teach myself that's not alright any more.

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Old 02-14-2011, 11:02 AM
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I'm glad you are feeling better and more rested. And that they are paying you for all the overtime you worked.

Sorry that guy acted so strangely and hurtfully. That would be hard. I like your idea of teaching yourself not to think of him. It will get easier.
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Old 02-14-2011, 04:04 PM
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Thanks, oak. It comes and goes, sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I want to call, email, anything. He was a huge part of my life for a long time, it's really hard that he's not around. I'll have moments where I just don't see the point in anything, don't want to bother with my job, and then moments where I'm cool with it, know I'm better off without all his bizarre behavior.

Who knows. Maybe in a couple weeks he'll call. Or maybe in a couple weeks I'll feel like I don't want to speak to him again. Don't know. And why is this such a big deal to me? This is worse than the worst breakup I've ever had, and we never dated.

Deep breath. It'll be ok.
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Old 02-14-2011, 05:13 PM
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I used to work a job where I ran 3-4 day shifts..with little cat naps. Everyone was in pieces at the end of those.
I would go home and sleep for almost 2 days solid. I wasn't capable of handling anything other than doing the job and then getting my zombie butt some serious sleep.
Even my Dr advised me it wasn't sustainable and used that word "superwoman".

So yours was 5 days PLUS a whole bunch of other stuff.
You were steamrolled!

I hope you have a nice dinner, some chocolate and a great night's sleep tonight. Maybe some online shopping cruising for a treat with your bonus?

Your former friend has really proven himself unworthy of you at this time. Betrayal hurts like hell! Please be gentle with yourself!

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Old 02-14-2011, 11:00 PM
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Not quite the same situation, but I had a 'close' friend for about 20 years and she stopped talking to me suddenly about 5 years ago (childhood friends). It was for the best--she was very manipulative and even lead me on at one point just because she could. She was a person who caused great joy and great misery over the years. I have no idea why I put up with so much of her BS. I now know that I deserve nonmanipulative and nice people in my life--people who make me feel good about myself and don't EVER put me down. I now have firm boundaries in place because of this experience. I deserve a lot better. So do you.
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