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Double standards vent

Old 10-03-2010, 10:33 PM
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Double standards vent

I guess it's kind of a vent, but... ugh. My family...

My sister is bipolar and downright b!tchy when she doesn't take her antidepressants... like, mean and physically violent. But it's ok, because she's bipolar, it's not her fault, poor sister.

My mom is a hoarder. But it's ok, it's a mental condition and it's not her fault, poor mom. She has a huge living room with plenty of furniture to sit on but only 2 places to actually sit because there's junk on every other surface. When I go to her house I sit on the floor in the living room, in the middle of one of the paths she has through the house.

My cousin is addicted to Rx painkillers, he has what must be a horribly painful condition. But he takes the pills recreationally. He takes extra painkillers and antidepressants when he drinks to get high off them. But it's all good because he's got his diagnosis, poor him.

But if I mention drinking alcohol, or crack a joke about it, it's the end of the world. Ohmygod, she's terrible, she might even be addicted. They don't even know about the meth and coke, and they really don't know much about the drinking either. Why am I the only one who's behavior is out of line? Why am I the only one who is expected to overcome whatever mental issues I might have and get on with life? Why are my sister, mom, and cousin victims of their own brain chemistry but I'm a terrible person? Why am I the black sheep here? I do love a double standard!

I don't have a problem with being held accountable for my actions, but it really bothers me that no one else is expected to be accountable. I don't really need their approval but consistent treatment would be nice.


OK, rant over.
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Old 10-04-2010, 01:59 PM
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Hi Gneiss! That sucks!



The only thing I can say is to establish boundaries. For a long time I tried to cope with the things my family did to hurt me (unintentionally) by doing more for them, and sacrificing more of my life for them, and then drinking to help forget the mess I was making of my life. One day I realized I had no more left to give. That was the beginning of the end. My relationship with them is very different today and we are not as close...but it came to deciding to protect me or them and I choose myself. I still get sucked in at times, but I can recognize it now and pull back before it gets too bad.

My suggestion would be trying to find a way to pull back some from your family so that their double standards don't hurt you.

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Old 10-05-2010, 12:00 PM
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I don't know what to add.

Double standards suck! It's a double bind too, because you probably cannot speak openly about what is happening without being blamed for speaking. That is crazy-making.
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:23 PM
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hi gneiss

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Old 10-05-2010, 07:10 PM
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Windy...that picture scares me!!!!! ;-)
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Old 10-05-2010, 08:01 PM
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lolz.....i used to have a charlie mccarty ventriloquist doll and his lower jaw was torn off....used to scare the hell outta my little brother with it.
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Old 10-05-2010, 10:04 PM
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gneiss, don't be a victim of others' opinions of you. Their opinion of you should not determine your opinion of you. If they choose to see you as the black sheep, let them. Remember nothing others do or say is because of you. What other people do or say is a projection of their own reality.

LaF's suggestion to establish boundaries is excellent. Personally, however, I have the application a little tricky. Especially around people that you have already granted extraordinary permissions.
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Old 10-05-2010, 10:42 PM
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LaFemme, thanks! I love getting advice that I already know I should follow but it helps that someone else says it.

Windy... umm... thanks? LMAO

All great advice. Oak is right, I probably could tell them why but it wouldn't do me any favors, and would probably cause a lot more trouble than it's worth. I guess I'd rather be the black sheep the way it is rather than be the black sheep because I did drugs. Surprisingly, my two pothead cousins know more than anyone else in my family and they are supremely unconcerned. They want the best for me but they let me live my life.

And recycle is right as well, just try establish boundaries with your mom (and the rest of your family) sometime! LOL I've never really thought my family should have a license to know everything about my life, but the rest of my family does think that. In a way it surprises me that they feel they should be able to comment at all though. Sad as it is I've already managed to beg off Christmas. And my mom kinda pulled her crap this evening so I just left and went home. I didn't need to be mad, I just didn't have to take it. It's pretty good that way.
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Old 10-06-2010, 12:51 AM
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Sorry for this, but it popped into my head so I'm just gonna let it flow outta my mouth... er... fingers

Perhaps they recognize you as the only one who is likely to make something of herself, and furthermore they genuinely believe that you, unlike them, have the capacity to grow beyond the difficulties that life has set before you.

Ow, ow! Dodging purses! Didn't even know there were purse-wielders in here! I'll sit down now
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Old 10-06-2010, 01:51 AM
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LOL its ok goat.....

Gneiss...put the purses down!!!! LMAO

I actually agree to some extent with goat...As crazy as it is..in my family i'm the "strong" one...even after the last year of pure hell....

Due my last year relapse and treatments....well...I pretty much have no boundries with my family....hard to set boundries and then say..well er...can you drive me to treatment or...gee I lost my job can you help me....

Fortunately that is over, but I see a long road to recoverying the boundries in our relationships.

I think I may have found a roomate...and if my unemployment comes through I'll have some breathing space and a chance to have a more balanced relationship with my family soon

anyhow...i was up...this thread jumped out at me..thought i'd say hi
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Old 10-06-2010, 02:00 AM
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Goat's probably right. Maybe they think that if you're having problems there's no hope for them. That's not fair to you at all. I think walking away like you did and not engaging was the smart thing to do.
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Old 10-06-2010, 08:55 PM
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Goat, forget the purse. I throw rocks. Geologist, remember? :P You may have something, especially if I think about myself in relation to the people I'm being compared to.

Ananda, thanks for stopping by! Setting boundaries once they have been obliterated is a huge challenge. But it just has to happen, because darn it I don't deserve this silliness and I don't think you do either!

Bam, I'm glad to see you here. Warm fuzzies for you. Thanks, I am never comfortable standing up to my mom. A little encouragement helps.

As usual I think I need to get better at letting this stuff role off me. Still frustrating sometimes though.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:21 PM
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It's also possible that their criticisms are a defense mechanism that allows them to ignore their own shortcomings by focusing on yours.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:17 PM
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You gotta work on and focus on you and your accountability. They are accountable for their own accountability. Don't be a victim because you can't control their behavior, let it be, let it be, let it be, oh let it be, there will be an answer let it be.
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