Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VIII
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Just thought I'd check in. It's been a good while since I've been around. I just got out of the hospital, where I spent a week. Combination of stress, depression and drugs. Feeling better now. That's about it for now.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,687
@ Anthony: Good going with 90 days!
@ Tyler: I glad your feeling better. I too hope you stick around and share your recovery journey here with us secular peeps.
@ Tyler: I glad your feeling better. I too hope you stick around and share your recovery journey here with us secular peeps.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Thanks guys. I feel like I had really "lost my way." I was just existing instead of living. I've been staying away from the booze, but had started smoking "spice", a kind of herb mix sprayed with a chemical that is a synthitic caniboid. Bad stuff.
I quit smoking it a few weeks ago and really started feeling my anxiety levels ramp up, especially in regards to work. Then the depression, which has always been there, started bubbling to the surface, and soon I was back to having suicidal thoughts again. If I can take anything positive out of all this it is that I did at least take steps to protect myself. My parents were getting ready to go out of town and I asked them to stay because I felt unsafe. I then spoke to my theripist about it who suggested I speak to my doctor. My doctor suggested that it might be a good idea to go to the hospital for awhile and I agreed it was a good idea.
In the past when I've been hospitalized, I have said and done whateve I needed to do to get out ASAP. This time was different. Even though I didn't want to be there (who does want to be in the mental ward??!!) I stayed until I felt well enough to leave. In fact the doctors wanted to discharge me after 4 days, but I didn't feel ready and asked to stay. They made some changes to my meds and had some good groups and one on one sessions and I left feeling a lot better about myself. I was there a total of 8 days and still have not returned to work. I go back on Tuesday. Work is a major sourse of my anxiety, so I need to learn how to manage that better.
I've been craving hard the last two days, but I'm not going to give in. I know that crap doesn't help me in any way, it just makes things worse. For the first time in a very long time, I care about getting better. I want to get better. I need to get better. That is why I'm back here. This place has helped me in the past and I need the help now. I need to stay connected, in touch, even if only online. I am also working to be more involved in my local community. I have started volunteering at a local food bank and am going to start playing tennis again.
For whatever reason I feel a determination I have not felt in a long time, if ever. I'm not hating myself anymore. I'm not to where I'd say that I love myself yet, but not hating is a big step for me. One of the psychologists at the hospital helped me look at things in a different way.
For over 20 years I smoked pot constantly, pretty much 24/7. It was how I dealt with stress, anxiety, depression, pretty much everything. Because if this addiciton I have lost my wife, years of time with my son, job, money, almost my life, it's been bad, but I continued to use. So the doctor says, "So you basically used pot to cope with life, right?" I agreed. He asked me if I knew how other people coped, I didn't. He said that some people used coke, herion, meth, some people acted out violently or sexually. Of course there are also more positive ways of coping, but I smoked pot. It was not the best way to deal with things, but certainly also was not the worst. That lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. For the first time, I gave myself a break. It made all of the diffference in the world.
So the question now is always, "What am I going to do differently this time?" The answer is, I am going to ask for help when I need it. I have a great support system in place. My parents are here for me, all I have to do is ask. I have support here. I have a doctor and theripist. My ex-wife is still supportive even after all I've put here through. My bosses at work are even supportive. I don't have to do it all by myself. I can't do it all by myself. I need help. I want to get better. I can get better. Thanks for listening.
I quit smoking it a few weeks ago and really started feeling my anxiety levels ramp up, especially in regards to work. Then the depression, which has always been there, started bubbling to the surface, and soon I was back to having suicidal thoughts again. If I can take anything positive out of all this it is that I did at least take steps to protect myself. My parents were getting ready to go out of town and I asked them to stay because I felt unsafe. I then spoke to my theripist about it who suggested I speak to my doctor. My doctor suggested that it might be a good idea to go to the hospital for awhile and I agreed it was a good idea.
In the past when I've been hospitalized, I have said and done whateve I needed to do to get out ASAP. This time was different. Even though I didn't want to be there (who does want to be in the mental ward??!!) I stayed until I felt well enough to leave. In fact the doctors wanted to discharge me after 4 days, but I didn't feel ready and asked to stay. They made some changes to my meds and had some good groups and one on one sessions and I left feeling a lot better about myself. I was there a total of 8 days and still have not returned to work. I go back on Tuesday. Work is a major sourse of my anxiety, so I need to learn how to manage that better.
I've been craving hard the last two days, but I'm not going to give in. I know that crap doesn't help me in any way, it just makes things worse. For the first time in a very long time, I care about getting better. I want to get better. I need to get better. That is why I'm back here. This place has helped me in the past and I need the help now. I need to stay connected, in touch, even if only online. I am also working to be more involved in my local community. I have started volunteering at a local food bank and am going to start playing tennis again.
For whatever reason I feel a determination I have not felt in a long time, if ever. I'm not hating myself anymore. I'm not to where I'd say that I love myself yet, but not hating is a big step for me. One of the psychologists at the hospital helped me look at things in a different way.
For over 20 years I smoked pot constantly, pretty much 24/7. It was how I dealt with stress, anxiety, depression, pretty much everything. Because if this addiciton I have lost my wife, years of time with my son, job, money, almost my life, it's been bad, but I continued to use. So the doctor says, "So you basically used pot to cope with life, right?" I agreed. He asked me if I knew how other people coped, I didn't. He said that some people used coke, herion, meth, some people acted out violently or sexually. Of course there are also more positive ways of coping, but I smoked pot. It was not the best way to deal with things, but certainly also was not the worst. That lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. For the first time, I gave myself a break. It made all of the diffference in the world.
So the question now is always, "What am I going to do differently this time?" The answer is, I am going to ask for help when I need it. I have a great support system in place. My parents are here for me, all I have to do is ask. I have support here. I have a doctor and theripist. My ex-wife is still supportive even after all I've put here through. My bosses at work are even supportive. I don't have to do it all by myself. I can't do it all by myself. I need help. I want to get better. I can get better. Thanks for listening.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,687
Hi Tyler.
Looks like you have good support system in place. That has made all the difference in my recovery. And getting out in the community to help others is another good move. Also just getting back to doing things that will bring some level of enjoyment helps too. Its helping me to do that.
I've restarted therapy as I was getting in a bit of a slump. In therapy, the counselor and I discussed how important it is to find new ways to get those "feel good neurochemicals" in a healthy way. I noticed it helps to have an interesting project to do. When I discover something new or solve a problem doing these projects, I find myself getting excited and doing a happy dance. Its nice to be able to give my brain a bath in dopamine once in a wile.
Looks like you have good support system in place. That has made all the difference in my recovery. And getting out in the community to help others is another good move. Also just getting back to doing things that will bring some level of enjoyment helps too. Its helping me to do that.
I've restarted therapy as I was getting in a bit of a slump. In therapy, the counselor and I discussed how important it is to find new ways to get those "feel good neurochemicals" in a healthy way. I noticed it helps to have an interesting project to do. When I discover something new or solve a problem doing these projects, I find myself getting excited and doing a happy dance. Its nice to be able to give my brain a bath in dopamine once in a wile.
Interesting weekend. I was working on getting my mom's house sold. Just me in a deserted house, in a town 3 hrs away, no furniture, no TV, no computer. I was curious if the relapse boogie man was going to find me...
Nope, I thought about it for a bit, but I could not muster much feeling for it. So I really tried to generate a craving: "Go on recycle, no one will know, it will be a fun last hurah." I might have managed a 2 on the desire-o-meter. I got some dinner and did about three hours of yoga/mediation and went to sleep.
Not saying I am hero or anything, just an interesting phenomenon. Kinda nice being able to trust myself a little more.
Nope, I thought about it for a bit, but I could not muster much feeling for it. So I really tried to generate a craving: "Go on recycle, no one will know, it will be a fun last hurah." I might have managed a 2 on the desire-o-meter. I got some dinner and did about three hours of yoga/mediation and went to sleep.
Not saying I am hero or anything, just an interesting phenomenon. Kinda nice being able to trust myself a little more.
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