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Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VII

Old 04-19-2010, 06:56 PM
  # 421 (permalink)  
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Right on, gneiss. I am still finding contacts, files, bookmarks and other detritus of my addiction. Sometimes it is scary to let it go, especially in weak moments. Other times, it is fantabulously cathartic!
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:34 AM
  # 422 (permalink)  
Never settle.
 
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I just had a good day, even all the drug references didn't bother me. An old dealer called me to wish me a happy holiday (it's 4/20 y'all) and offer up some pot and speed. I guess he called one of my old drug buddies too because old drug buddy called me, trying to get me to party. It usually really rattles me when this happens, I end up upset and edgy and crying about how much I hate it all. It's hard to say no to him in particular; of all the people I partied with he's the only one I actually care about. And I know it's not a good idea to keep this guy around because he still wants to party but he's also the only one with any real potential to quit. He's working on it, but he's well behind me.

It was the first time I didn't get rattled or upset. It was also the first time I really didn't want to party; I didn't have to fight myself about it. The thought occurred to me that he might call someone else and party without me, and almost before the thought was finished in my head I thought, well who cares? Two days from now when he comes down he'll call me and say he never should have done it, he didn't have the money, I was smart not to, and how cruddy he feels because he did. What, exactly, am I missing out on?

So I stopped answering my phone, ignored his texts, and went out for pizza and frozen yogurt with these two girls I've been hanging out with a little bit. And I had so much more fun! We giggled and gossiped and had a good time and I realized this is what I really was missing out on while I was doing dope, not the other way around.

I can count on these things happening because I didn't use today:
~I will sleep tonight.
~I will wake up tomorrow feeling decent (aside from this respiratory pestilence, which would be much worse if I smoked or snorted meth)
~I will not spend the next 3 days on the couch feeling miserable.
~I can slack off tonight and do my homework tomorrow before class instead of struggling through it for hours because my mind isn't right.
~I won't feel disconnected, sweaty, and nervous for 2 days.
~I will actually go to class tomorrow (alright. I might not make my 8:30 class, but not because I'm on dope. Rather because I'm on SC at 1:30 in the morning).
~I will not owe anyone money and no one will owe me money
~I will still be broke, but I will not be any worse off
~I won't hate myself
~I will not be cranky and mood-swingy and crazily emotional, crying for no reason for the next month

There's more, I could go on for ages. But it's late and I have an 8:30 class

Goodnight
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Old 04-22-2010, 11:17 PM
  # 423 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gneiss View Post
And now I think I'm going to take the journal out and hold a little book barbecue. It's the journal all my drug use is recorded in, and not only do I not want it laying around where anyone could pick it up, but I don't want to read it again. It hurt to read it, brought up all that negativity. It's not like I'm likely to forget the lessons I learned, so unless I'm feeling masochistic I have no reason to keep it. Adios, Past. Good riddance to you.
I haven't actually done this yet, haven't had time. And now I'm having mixed feelings about burning it. I still don't want it for the reasons I mentioned but on the other hand I feel like I'm throwing away a huge part of my life. I read the war stories my grandfather wrote out before he died and even though he certainly didn't want to remember all of those things (like walking into a concentration camp to liberate all the skeletal half-dead people inside) they influenced the course of his life.

Or reading the journals of some relative of mine (can't remember how I'm related to her) that record, as a young child, her trip across the country in a covered wagon. During this time she learned to read and write and the only fee was for her to promise to write in a journal every day. She kept her promise and as an old woman, just before she died, she wrote about her first airplane ride across the country, and the first moon landing. That's an amazing life. Not that mine will be anywhere nearly that awesome; these people conquered insurmountable odds. I just smoked dope.

Maybe I'll write a summary in the next journal, explain why that volume is missing (I have quite a collection, been journaling since I was 12 or 13) and why I didn't want it around, and move on. Reading the old journal just makes me upset and every time I see the wretched thing I open it.

I don't even know why this is worth posting... but here are my random babblings for your amusement.
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Old 05-03-2010, 09:16 AM
  # 424 (permalink)  
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We kinda abandoned this one, eh?

I just applied for a summer internship; it's kinda late in the year and most people have their internships lined up already... but then I never have been good at doing things they should be done! LOL

I hope I get it, it would be an excellent opportunity for me, but also I think it will be a big test. It pays more than I make now, 40 hours a week, and free housing for the summer (though I will still have to pay rent on my apartment here since I already signed a lease). So... a new town in middle-of-nowhere, Oklahoma, more money, and no friends around. There's a few red flags there, chiefly that I will have money and be alone. But it's a new town and I don't know the dope dealers, so as long as I keep my head down and don't go looking for anything, it shouldn't be a problem.

But... first thing's first, I just sent my resume off, I haven't even gotten a phone call yet. No use worrying yet.
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Old 05-03-2010, 09:32 AM
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We'll still be here, too, gneiss.
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:40 AM
  # 426 (permalink)  
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hello all, I'm back to day one. But I 'm doing something positif since I'm back here with you all. One step in the right direction for today!
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:58 AM
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Welcome back, Cali!!!! Glad you're here again, regardless of day count.
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Old 05-05-2010, 01:46 AM
  # 428 (permalink)  
Reach Out and Touch Faith
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Cali, glad to see you back.

Been having a very hard few days here , extremely stressful stuff going on with our landlady. For the first time in my life I have high blood pressure. It normally runs near very low (dizzy getting out of bed etc), so this is a big jump. I'm not looking forward to my doctor's appointment next month to say the least. My Dodgers can't even get a couple good wins this season. So hope things look up!
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Old 05-06-2010, 05:45 PM
  # 429 (permalink)  
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How appropriate for me.

About a half hour ago I felt the need to move my bowels...and crapped out a blood clot.

I've bled a bit out of the anus before and had some pretty small clots (I think), but this one was the size of a small to medium seedless grape. And there was blood.

I started a new med yesterday. Perhaps I'll call the doctor tomorrow and tell him what's going on.
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:14 AM
  # 430 (permalink)  
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Frustrated. It's 3:00 am and I spent 3 hours struggling through this take-home final and not getting an answer I could work with. And then realized I'd been doing it wrong and the first thing I tried, 3 hours before, was the way I should have done the whole thing. I'd so be done by now.

At least now I'm almost done with it, just have to write the final suggestion (sell the oil lease or drill, baby, drill) but thought a break would be nice. Always health-conscious, I am nuking a frozen burrito.

As soon as I turn this in finals are over. I wish they'd give me a key to the office, I'd sneak over there and turn it in before I go to bed. LOL
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Old 05-07-2010, 03:37 AM
  # 431 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Bamboozle View Post
How appropriate for me.

About a half hour ago I felt the need to move my bowels...and crapped out a blood clot.

I've bled a bit out of the anus before and had some pretty small clots (I think), but this one was the size of a small to medium seedless grape. And there was blood.

I started a new med yesterday. Perhaps I'll call the doctor tomorrow and tell him what's going on.
Hey Bam, maybe you should call the doctor RIGHT NOW!
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Old 05-07-2010, 04:56 AM
  # 432 (permalink)  
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I'm okay right now, cali. At least after that I had a couple of blood clot free movements. I'll probably call this morning.
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Old 05-07-2010, 04:57 AM
  # 433 (permalink)  
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Hey...at least my mood has improved...so I guess the med is working? Maybe? :rotfxko
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Old 05-07-2010, 06:42 AM
  # 434 (permalink)  
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Old 05-11-2010, 02:07 PM
  # 435 (permalink)  
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I have a job interview in a couple of days. Don't ask me how that happened.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:41 AM
  # 436 (permalink)  
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Hey bam that's great, I wont ask but I'd love to know how it happened and how it goes! And what the job is, and if you feel anxious about it please talk to us, maybe we can help smooth out a few kinks?
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Old 05-12-2010, 06:26 AM
  # 437 (permalink)  
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Thanks, cali. It's for a sales in advertising position. I quit my fast food job because I wasn't mentally well...but I can't say that in the interview. The best I can come up with is that I needed to take time off to find a job (somewhat true) because my fast food schedule was very erratic. How do I say that my previous job wasn't a good fit without bashing the people or the company? Obviously I haven't had to do an interview in a while...and chances are this will be the most formal one of all.

It would be nice if I can get this...the schedule is basically a 9-5er. And it pays more if I do well.

How's everyone doing?
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Old 05-12-2010, 09:26 AM
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Sounds like an excellent job. I'll think it over, I never come up with a good answer immediately. I know I do well in interviews, I guess I run on instinct there, but I'm very careful about my body language, my posture, my smile, my handshake, and my grammar. So I'll think it over and let you know how I'd explain the fact that I'd left a job in a fast food place...I'm sure there are others out there with good ideas too! Please let's help Bam out
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Old 05-12-2010, 09:39 AM
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Some interviewing stories:

Tales from the Interview - The Daily WTF
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:55 PM
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i did ok in the interview...but on day 1....i spent a 3 hour session with my new boss and started chewing my fingernails....he handed me a nail clipper

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