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Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VII

Old 04-05-2010, 10:41 PM
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Reach Out and Touch Faith
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After a few hours break, my migraine is back. Now the eye lid is dropping to try to block the light. Ugh! Oh well, there are much worse things in the world. I'd go have a shot but my ride is sick and may need to go to the hospital herself so that's out as an option.

Just resting up and glad I downloaded a bunch of Art Bell classics last night. So off to listen to the Philadelphia Experiment.
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:30 AM
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Originally Posted by HuskyPup View Post
Have had a rough time, you might say. First, I had pneumonia, so I was laid up in bed for quite a while, on the plus side, I got better, and have managed to stop smoking, it's been about a month. And for about three weeks, no drinking, a big improvement. But then I went out one night, had a few drinks, and a few days later, it was warm and I was feeling nostalgic and there I was, getting drunk at home, watching footage of the poet Anne Sexton, laughing, and then I blacked out. I woke up two days ago to a very bad black eye, almost swollen shut, a sprained finger, skinned knees, scraped elbows and a lot of pain. I must have fell, I don't know. What makes me wonder is why, why, why I do this.

I know there's a lot of things in life I'm not happy about, I'm 42, own no house, no car, am in horrible debt, have bad credit to the point of lawsuits/wage garnishments, live in a rustic warehouse space with no oven or bath-tub, and find it harder and harder to relax. I miss cooking, I even miss baths. I thought at first I might be OK in such a place, but Iím to oldÖit just happened they didnít check credit, and I needed a place. I see little hope for the near future in having any time or means to change things and get out of hereÖI mean, I canít see how Iím ever gonna fix this credit till 7 years or whatever it is, and that makes me desperately sad. It would be so nice just to have a normal place again, a couch to lie down on, and especially a bath-tubÖI can take showers, but thereís only about 5 minutes of hot water, so I often skip them, whatís the point, I donít sweat much, Iím small, and not hairy.

But I have to stop all this before there's nothing left...I have to find some way to have hope.

I don't know how I ****** up this badly in life, I was always smart and creative and had nearly a 4.0 in highs-school and college but could never seem to find my niche, always worked jobs that were just jobs, now I feel too old to change, and too tired. Sometimes, I think I do these things because I want o die. Normally, I would be to scared, and when sober would certainly never choose to die...yet drunk, I worry, the day will come I jump out the window or something, I mean, I don't even know what I do those times, anything might happen.

Well, Iím sorry for all this, I wish I could say I was better, but this seems like a low point. I just wish I could believe in anything anymore, and have hope. But it just slips away.
Husky, seems like I haven't seen you on in a while. Good job on not smoking. Now all that's left is to finish pulling it together buddy. You went three weeks without drinking, you can get another 3 weeks. But for now just don't drink today.

I read a little of myself in your post. Good grades in school but maybe selling yourself short when it comes to finding work. Feeling like you f**ked up your life. Feeling overwhelmed with your finances (especially looking 7-10 years into the future. Yikes. I look only as far as my next paycheck or two. I have 7 years to worry about the next 7 years). Feeling stuck. I have no advice, but I can commiserate; you aren't alone and you're NORMAL. I'm about 10 months along and I still haven't found an equilibrium. It does get better though, things seem less extreme the longer I stay clean. Hell, I don't have all the answers (if I did I wouldn't be buried under my own mountain of crap). But I seemed to have the most trouble 3-5 weeks out. That's when I'd be at my lowest and many times went back to using because it was so much easier. If you fight through those toughest couple weeks it gets better on the other side. You can start cleaning it up after you get through that. I really felt quite hopeless for about 6 weeks and every time I'd quit it would happen again. It sucks, no two ways about it.

Lala Song Player - Other Side by Cross Canadian Ragweed
I love this song. Makes sense in regards to how I feel about drugs and the people I was around and all that. Actually there's a progression through several of their CDs that makes me think the singer, who writes most of the songs for the band, may have had a drug problem... or maybe I'm reading far too much of my own life into the songs. (That's the only one I could find. You get one free listen and after that you can hear a 30-second clip)
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:46 AM
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Yeah, I said that rest in my future. I lied LOL. Found out that facebook now lets you update your status and upload photos through regular cell phones via email. Tech nerd that I am, been testing it.

While doing that, I wanted to listen to Art Bell on my other computer so I put the shows on my external hard drive. Of course, then I decided to backup all my MP3 files on both my computers. Headache is a lot worse, so its bedtime for me now....okay not now but as soon as I remove a bunch of files and replace them on my mp3 player.
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:36 AM
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:46 AM
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Originally Posted by windysan View Post
That's why I love listening to him
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:16 AM
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hello all, checking back in for today., I sure love these smileys
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Old 04-06-2010, 07:39 PM
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Gneiss, thanks for the gniess reply! I'm still looking at going back to school, just wondering how to juggle it with working full time, and that long commute...my main worry is that I won't have the stamina...I mean, I barely get through my week now, and feel exhausted. Maybe if I stop drinking long enough, hard to say. I am going to see an advisor, and see if I can atleast fit a class or two into my schedule.

Also, I want to move away from Baltimore very, very, very badly. I had a lot of fun here, too much fun, but it's too gritty, urban and hard-edged for me anymore. I'm thinking of a place like Burlington, VT, Portsmouth, NH or maybe Asheville, NC...smaller, more mellow, but artsy/liberal with nature close at hand. Never been to Asheville, but I hear it's very pretty...might try to go this summer. I wonder how hard it is to land a job there, though...but it looks quite a bit cheaper than here, which is good.

My motivation not to drink is still strong, and I'm still not smoking cigarettes.

Back to work today, have had to 'explain' the black eye all day...not too fun.
The swelling is down, but the blackness/bruising seems to be expanding...somebody said they get worse befiore they get better...ug...I dun wanna look like a boxer!!!!

Just wanted to pop in and say thanks to all who replied or read this, I have not shared anything in weeks about these struggles, been too sidetracked/shy...nice to be back.
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Old 04-07-2010, 06:45 PM
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Art Bell is da MAN !
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Old 04-07-2010, 09:22 PM
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Originally Posted by HuskyPup View Post
Gneiss, thanks for the gniess reply! I'm still looking at going back to school, just wondering how to juggle it with working full time, and that long commute...my main worry is that I won't have the stamina...I mean, I barely get through my week now, and feel exhausted. Maybe if I stop drinking long enough, hard to say. I am going to see an advisor, and see if I can atleast fit a class or two into my schedule.

Also, I want to move away from Baltimore very, very, very badly. I had a lot of fun here, too much fun, but it's too gritty, urban and hard-edged for me anymore. I'm thinking of a place like Burlington, VT, Portsmouth, NH or maybe Asheville, NC...smaller, more mellow, but artsy/liberal with nature close at hand. Never been to Asheville, but I hear it's very pretty...might try to go this summer. I wonder how hard it is to land a job there, though...but it looks quite a bit cheaper than here, which is good.

My motivation not to drink is still strong, and I'm still not smoking cigarettes.

Back to work today, have had to 'explain' the black eye all day...not too fun.
The swelling is down, but the blackness/bruising seems to be expanding...somebody said they get worse befiore they get better...ug...I dun wanna look like a boxer!!!!

Just wanted to pop in and say thanks to all who replied or read this, I have not shared anything in weeks about these struggles, been too sidetracked/shy...nice to be back.

Husky, it's really early in the process for you. I think major changes early are bad, it's too much pressure and you're likely to start drinking again. So give yourself a little sober time and then think about school. Plus, as you mentioned, you will likely have more energy once you are sober.

I also want to move away from where I am now. This is a college town and people who stay here for 4 to 6 years seem to look back with happy memories. If you stay much longer than that you start meeting too many locals. There's nothing in this town except the university and it's all too easy to start hanging out with the wrong people and doing the wrong things just because there's nothing else to do. I have a friend who has invited me to move close to him once I've graduated because I think he wants to keep an eye on me. He's one of very few people who hold me accountable and I wouldn't be able to hide meth use from him. He's been clean for about 14 years, but he was cooking dope by age 15 and he knows all the tricks.

And explaining the black eye? "Mind your own business" is a decent explanation. I've learned it's really best to play things close to the vest, even be a bit standoffish. Co-workers are not necessarily your friends, and it really isn't their business what happens when you're off the clock. I don't owe an explanation to anyone for anything unless they were involved. And my real friends, people I actually trust (there are so few of them!!), rarely need an explanation. People use the term friend far too loosely.

Keep it up Husky, you're doing alright.

And now, off to bed for me. I have a migraine tonight and a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. At least I get all the unpleasantness over with in one fell swoop.
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Old 04-09-2010, 06:50 PM
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Day 1

Back to it, what can I say, thought I was starting to get it, but now I really wonder.
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Old 04-10-2010, 03:02 PM
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Glad you're back, Tyler.

Feeling really good today. I know it sounds silly but I quit playing FarmVille and it rocks. It's almost as cool as giving up dope.
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Old 04-10-2010, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by gneiss View Post
Glad you're back, Tyler.

Feeling really good today. I know it sounds silly but I quit playing FarmVille and it rocks. It's almost as cool as giving up dope.
Thanks, feeling a bit better today.

I never played Farmville, I have a Facebook acct., but rarely use it. I've had people trying to get me to play (pushers!!) but at least I've "Just said No" to Farmville!!
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Old 04-10-2010, 08:54 PM
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well..this day was a particularly dificult one for me, but not near the calamity i thought it might be

I'm learning it is ok to be who i am and where i am on my journey. Yeah..I cried some today, but I also felt some real joy right in there with it....

Finding out can access the strength to do the next indicated thing regardless of the concequences to my feelings....

You know there was a time where a drink would have seemed a solution....as someone said today... that 8 minites of ahhhhs that comes after the first 4 slugs from the rum bottle....

But walking through this without a drink clouding my perceptions has been a reward in and of itself..despite the pain I'm feeling.

Sorry but the details don't matter..what matters is that we are all learning how to be sober and live!
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:42 PM
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FarmVille started as a cute way to spend 10 minutes when I had a little time to waste. And somehow it kinda took over. I was spending 3 or 4 hours on it a day, it wasn't fun, it was causing me stress (OMG!! My fake strawberries will fake die if I don't fake harvest them and it will cost fake money to do this. And I'd get all stressed out... and it wasn't even fake stress). I never invited people to the game because I hate getting all those invitations but when one of my friends would add FarmVille I'd get p!ssed off if they wouldn't add me as a friend or send me gifts or whatever. So a few days ago I quit.

And since I blocked Farmville from posting on my news feed I basically don't go on Facebook much. Once or twice a day maybe, check in with a couple friends... ya know, the way Facebook was meant to be used.

Close friend of mine's grandmother died Thursday night (while his 2-year-old daughter was at the ER with a 104-degree fever, no less... now that's a bad night). My grandfather died in December and I was so stressed out and furious at everything and really, really, REALLY close to just deciding to f*** it all off and go get some dope that I hardly ever acknowledged it. Even at his funeral I was just kinda there, it didn't really phase me. So now, 3 months later and doing much better, it kinda hit me when my friend called to tell me about his grandmother. It's been a long couple of days. I guess grief like that is a luxury for people who have their minds in a decent state. When you're a complete mess it's just one more thing to heap on the pile.

3 consecutive days, 20-ish miles, and 2 really sore calves (the body part, not the farm animal :P). My walks are going well, mostly. Yesterday I slipped in the mud, caught my foot on a tree root and twisted my knee and ankle. I think it might have been alright but I was 3 miles from the car. No amount of tylenol could help, but I still made it 7.7 miles in under 3 hours today.
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Old 04-15-2010, 11:04 PM
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*chirp chirp... chirp chirp chirp*



Weather must be nice, everyone would rather be outside
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Old 04-17-2010, 07:31 AM
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Husky,

I wonder if you should make any attempt at all to worry about where you live, whether you go to school, what you regret, whom you resent, or how to become happy, successful, or better functioning.

Iím with Windy on this one.

Quit.

Many forms of recovery kind of offer the theory that you come into addiction treatment and you say: ďhelp me Iím on fire!Ē to which they say ďno, youíre not on fire, you just like to douse yourself in gasoline and play with matches.Ē

In other words, they suppose that your drinking is just a symptom of a hidden problem with your thinking; that very well may be. Just realize that any attempt to improve your life amounts to wasted time if you do not quit drinking.

Donít take it easy. Donít take it one day at a time. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself: ďI will never drink again.Ē Does that feel scary? Why? What would your life be like if you didnít drink? Is drinking really that important? Do you really want to change?

There is always a good reason to stop. You may need more support. You may even need medical guidance.

Your life may not get any better than developing a new ability to deal with all of your problems with a sober mind. If I had to bet on it, I would wager that your life would become immeasurably better in time. But first, you need to take one simple step:

Quit.
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Old 04-17-2010, 10:21 PM
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I've been doing a lot better by trying to focus on positive stuff, exercising, doing stuff like photography that I like. But the fact of the matter is I'm furious at some of the stuff that happened while I was doing drugs, some of it was my fault, some of it was other people's fault. I haven't figured out how to move on, let it go. I feel like I keep rehashing the same stuff over again. Until I did drugs I was always so good at forgiving people, not worrying about past wrongs, and I can't seem to do it now. For one thing I've usually been able to address it with that person and once it's been addressed, even if we still don't agree, it's over. I don't have that chance, I still see these people but it's not even worth the effort of trying to address it with them. It'll make the situation worse, give me new reasons to resent them. I remind myself that I'm not perfect, that I've done some pretty horrible things to these people as well, and that all of this was done in the framework of drug addictions. Everything any of us did was with the goal of scoring dope, and it didn't really matter who got hurt.

Furthermore, I feel like that victim sort of feeling, like everyone has wronged me and it's all their fault not only puts a lot of pressure on me but also keeps me closer to drugs. I never saw it when I was doing dope but people I see now who are addicted to drugs always have something to say about how they were wronged. Maybe it's one way to justify using.

I've become a passive-aggressive b!tch basically and it's not fun. But I can't figure out how to get over it.
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Old 04-17-2010, 11:07 PM
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From one of the readings at a meeting tonight:
There is a balance between wanting nothing and wanting everything. If we can broaden our thinking to include such words as plenty, fulfillment, pleasure, and satisfaction, we will start to believe there is enough of everything.
Wanting nothing is about not feeling deserving. Wanting everything, well, that's the addict life in a nutshell, isn't it?

Too much was never enough for me. Yet sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve anything because of what I've done.

This was a great reminder to me to strike a balance, and to have attitude of abundance. I am good enough to deserve what I need and want, and by the way, I actually already have most of what I REALLY need and want. The other stuff, it never really satisfied me, no matter how much of it I got.
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Old 04-18-2010, 12:39 AM
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Furthermore, I feel like that victim sort of feeling, like everyone has wronged me and it's all their fault not only puts a lot of pressure on me but also keeps me closer to drugs. I never saw it when I was doing dope but people I see now who are addicted to drugs always have something to say about how they were wronged. Maybe it's one way to justify using.

I've become a passive-aggressive b!tch basically and it's not fun. But I can't figure out how to get over it.
well..alot of people wronged me in my past..I think the preasure i feel when i realize this is perhaps the preasure to act like i am bigger and stronger than i am and that it didn't "really" hurt me or i'm so bigg hearted i'm not "really" alowing it to scew my thinking or life.

I've been thinking about epistimologies and drinking today...and I believe that I didn't drink because it made me fit in..I drank because the drink made me not care if i fit in....The real "soul pain" about being wronged, for me isn't in the fact that it hurts....i want to run from the fact that it did any real harm from me...and especially from the fact that i'm afraid i cant "unharm" myself....

A drink won't eraase the harm of past transgressions by others...but i will "feel" as if i am fixed...or i won't care that i'm not...

I'm learning to own who i am these days and i too am a passive agressie little b!tch. Frankly, it is a huge step forward for me when i have a short lived burst of rage in which i honestly speak my peace...passive agressive today for me is like..self deciept...pretence...refusal to take responsibility....and yet it is something i do before i even know i have anger, rage, or self protectivness etc. going on in me....

I've sorta given up on the idea that i can "unbreak myself" through efforts...I note the behavior, make my usually pitiful attempt to put it aside, and move on through my day/life. It "seems" like; acknowleding it, taking responsibility for it then moving on as best i can...is changing me more than all the; fighting with it....watching deligently for it... staying on gaurd, pounding, wreathing in pain and carrying on at myself about it did (i know a convoluted sentence...do you get it?)
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Old 04-19-2010, 05:38 PM
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Ya know, just the fact that I sat down and wrote out what I couldn't get over helped a lot. A lot of it was kind of trivial, but those little tiny things kinda snowballed. I decided I didn't need to babble about each little thing, it didn't matter. And now I think I'm going to take the journal out and hold a little book barbecue. It's the journal all my drug use is recorded in, and not only do I not want it laying around where anyone could pick it up, but I don't want to read it again. It hurt to read it, brought up all that negativity. It's not like I'm likely to forget the lessons I learned, so unless I'm feeling masochistic I have no reason to keep it. Adios, Past. Good riddance to you.
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