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Old 09-18-2009, 01:04 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Up from the ashes
 
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Bam,

I have followed your threads for some time now, it seems like you are experiencing a fantastic degree of personal growth. I am glad to see other people successfully pulling themselves out of difficult and stressful lifestyles and fashioning more fulfilling and meaningful lives.

I like the analysis of thought patterns of self derision, which can lead to self destruction. You donít need that, and sometimes looking at the opposite argument helps us to see the truth more clearly. The world is full of enough problems, you donít need your own false beliefs or incorrect perceptions serving as stumbling blocks.

Recently on this forum, some conversation of SMART tools occurred. Iíd like to share another tool:

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc..._Worksheet.pdf

I hope that link works. When I have problems, I like to approach them like this:

Problem: I have a flat tire.
Action: I am going to change the tire.
Result: I watched American Idol instead, but I had a good time.

At least if I donít fix my problem, I know what went wrong. If I tried to fix the tire and I didnít know how, then I know that I need to find out how to change a flat tire.

Iím not trying to offer all the answers, I suppose the point I would like to make is that feeling discontent with life circumstances is healthy and can be a fantastic catalyst for change. You demonstrate the drive, the intelligence and the ability enrich your life in the tone and spirit of your posts.

Ago,

I was in a relationship similar to this. Looking back, I wonder why I did not just sever ties. There were things that I liked. There were things that I didnít.

These disappearances most likely mean infidelity. I especially suspect this because of the whole retaliation that you are being ďaccusatory and delusional.Ē The best defense for behavior that one cannot explain is a personal attack against the person asking for the explanation. If someone accused you of robbing a bank and you didnít do it, you wouldnít get upset, you would calmly deny it. Why waste the energy of attacking the person who asked, even if they were out of their mind?

I suppose that a different situation could cause things like this. Perhaps she is struggling with substance abuse and does not want to disclose that. It seems like quite a few incidents being thrown around simply because she needs some space. If the space she needs is every weekend, you are in a relationship that needs to end, unless you like it this way, which apparently, you donít.

You seem to be faced with situations of stonewalling, followed by descriptions of medical emergencies such as panic attacks and being bed bound at a total strangerís house and abandoned by her familyÖ

Okay. This seems like either:

1. Attention seeking or drama seeking patterns (this is not a personal criticism, simply an observation.)

2. A quickly and poorly conceived lie to cover something else up.

3. A painfully poor attempt to deal with oneís personal problems.

So in the final analysis, does it even matter? Is this how you want to live? Examining Blackberry texts because someone who refuses to spend any time with you is making calls that they later deny? I donít need to be very cognitive about this. This is the hallmark of a lie. When a person lies, the first thing that they do is say ďwell if you donít believe me, you can ask such and soĒ I think you will find a great degree of personal peace by asking yourself why you are engaged in this debate, and why you would bother to corroborate or refute someoneís telephone or texting history. You donít trust her, you have your reasons. Find someone that you do trust, if that is important to you.
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Old 09-18-2009, 01:23 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Old 09-19-2009, 02:36 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Reach Out and Touch Faith
 
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Freepath, if you would be willing to share more about your experience with the Change-Plan worksheet in the SMART thread I won't complain *wink wink*
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Old 09-19-2009, 03:32 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Ago, your thought process sounds really clear to me, but you seem to lack optimism. I'd be very unhappy if I lived the way you do. I always believe the best, if it doesn't happen then "so what", tomorrow is another day that can go well.
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Old 09-19-2009, 12:10 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ago View Post
I have told her goodbye.

Her thinking is that I am accusatory and delusional, and that none of this ever took place, and that she is NOT the woman I say she is and that my thought process is one based on insecurity and stories I am telling myself.

I have the phone records and texts for every single occurance, they did in fact take place.

OK, purely cognitive input please, help me out boys and girls, please don't slander her, this question is to check if my thinking is in fact delusional, not cast aspersions on her character if that makes sense. I am not angry nor judgmental at her, just don't want to continue "seeing" someone I don't trust any more.
I know I already responded to you Ago, but I do have to make one point (that doesn't apply to you). I dated a guy for almost two years who did feel insecure about me leaving him (but yet kept telling me "I needed another guy," and then would come back to me). I kept trying to show how I really loved him, which I showed with consistent actions and words. In the end, his insecurity was what destroyed our relationship. He had had several women cheat and leave him in the past and I knew this, so I was extra careful to let him know I would never cheat and kept my actions consistent with my words. He was a great guy in so many ways, so I wanted the relationship to work. I did a myriad of nice things for him and his kids. I always spent most of my weekends and some weekdays together. Still, towards the very end of the relationship he spied on my Facebook account and other parts of my computer in general looking for "evidence." (his story is different, of course, but the browser History tells me differently). He violated trust and then told me to "chase him" or it was over - Yeah, right...

I guess my point is, sometimes thought distortions and insecurity (indirect accusatory behavior) can chip away at a relationship to the point it is a major cause of a breakup. This was true in my case - I could never show him enough how much I loved him...it was never enough. His baggage from the past was always with him and projected onto me.

In your case, Ago, the fact that you are even concerned enough to post here, have enough evidence against her, and still question yourself shows me that you are not the one with the problem here. I've been in your shoes many times over. I guess the only thing I ask myself, and perhaps you should to is, why do I keep attracting these "unemotionally available" or unhealthy partners? That's the harder question to answer.
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:44 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
I got nothin'
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6. Personalization


I used to do the first part of this one often...but honestly I've improved greatly on that over that last couple of years. Instead of assuming that everything everyone does in my vicinity has to do with me...I choose to assume that people are just as self-absorbed as I am and generally don't give a crap what I'm doing.

The second part, though...ugh. I compare myself to others all...the...time.


Hereís a glimpse inside my mind:


Thatís a nice car. You donít have a car. If you ever get a carÖit certainly wonít look like that.

Those people have nice clothes and seem to be well off. How do you like being poor?

Sheís pretty. Iím ugly.

Those people have nice skin. I have oily skin with huge pores.


Wow, that person is fatter than me. Woo hoo! Yes! Someone is fatter than me! (maybe that example isnít quite as badÖ)

Look at all of these couples. I am alone. Iíve always been alone. Why am I such a loser?

Iím pretty stuck on this one. Iím not 100% thereÖbut I remind myself that it does me absolutely no good to compare myself with others. Thatís not where my focus needs to be. I need to keep the focus on myselfÖmy needs and goals.

Life does not have to be a race or contest.
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