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Also reaching outÖ

Old 09-01-2009, 05:08 AM
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Also reaching outÖ

Hi guys,

I have to preface it with that Iím really bad at reaching out so please bear with me. Iím posting it in Secular because last time I reached out in Newcomers, I got all sorts of ďwonderfulĒ advice to call my sponsor and such and Iím not in the mood to deal with that now. I should probably cross-post this in Mental Health too. Sorry this could be longÖ

Some of you know that I recently relapsed after 4 months and have not been able to keep it under control for over 2 weeks. I get very drunk (alone), then very sick, then slightly better, then very drunk again. A typical story I suppose. I donít think alcohol is the main problem. Depression is. Iíve felt this pull towards severe depression again for a while. So my recent drinking was more like acting out. I couldnít just watch myself slipping into a new episode slowly but surely.

Iíve gone thru severe episodes before. Been on meds once, never again after they fvcked my brain and my body real good, and that was the drug that actually worked. Been in therapy, learned a few tricks, uncovered a lot of unresolved issues, dealt with them with some success. I am not dismissing going to see a shrink again but Iím not even sure what Iíd say. Iím in the best physical shape Iíve been in years; my self-confidence is as high as itís ever been (guess not high enough). Iím dealing with a very unfortunate living/career situation that is dragging me down ever day but that wonít change until at least next summer. I work out most days, have some hobbies but they bring me no joy. I donít have any close friends where I live now but I do try to talk to my friends on the phone and go see them whenever I can.

I am not exactly sure what the purpose of my post is. I woke up feeling so desperate and after crying for an hour I just had to do something, anything to cling to hope. I am trying to avoid getting so low that I would google the best suicide method again.

I wonít be able to check the responses until later tonight (gotta go to work) but I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice. Iíll take virtual hugs too, Iím that low today.

Thanks, gang.
OB
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Old 09-01-2009, 05:45 AM
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Welcome to Secular OB, I have read your posts in Phals exercise thread so I feel as if I know you a bit

You shouldn't get anyone advising you to see your sponsor here

It's good that you have found tools to help you deal with your problems, but I too have recently realised that even though I am relatively happy in myself and my living situation is stable, I am still drawn to drinking and have a lot of drinking thoughts.

I wonder maybe in my case (and maybe in yours)if its that whilst I have a lot of telephone and internet contact with people I don't have people around me that I can just go and visit and have fun with.

I have always battled with the idea of which came first the depression or the drinking but in my case its got to the point that it doesn't really matter anymore.

Sorry to waffle on I'm not sure what I am trying to say here other than, you are not alone.
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:58 AM
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It sounds like a lot of your depression is situational, related to your job/living situation. However, as you stated, that is not going to change for awhile, so you need to do something to deal with it in the meantime.

You seem pretty against going the med route. I'm not sure what you took before that messed you up so bad or how long ago it was, but there are many new options out there now for dealing with depression. I think it may be worthwhile to at least talk to a psychitirst to look at options and possible side effects. Just remember, you are in charge. You dont' have to take anything you don't want to, and if you don't want to go at all, that's ok too.

You said you had learned some "tools" from therapy. Are you using any of them? If not, you may want to go back to your theripist to "brush up" on them and possibly learn some new ones. Use some of the advice you get here, other than "call your sponsor" of course!! If you haven't checked out Lifering or SMART web sites, you might want to do that as well. They have some good "toolbox" items there that can be a big help.

It's great that you are doing the exercise, I wish I could say the same for myself!! I know it can be a great help for depression, but I always am able to find the time for other things first!! I too struggle with depression, badly for the last several years. It was also largely "situational" due to my job/living situation. After my divorce, I fell very hard. I had to move back home with my parrents, it took months to find a job, and the one I ended up with sucked what was left of my soul right out of me. I was a 1000 miles away from my young son, and missing out on watching him grow up. Pot was my DOC and I smoked it 24/7, just to deal with life. I was almost 40 years old, living with my parents, working a $hit job, with no prospects of getting out. Of course one of the reasons I couldn't get out was my substance abuse, it was a double edged sword. On the one hand it helped me deal, but at the same time it kept me stuck.

About 4 months ago my folks decided to move. Fortunatly for me, they moved to within a 2 hour drive from my son. That has help me tremendously. I also quit smoking the pot when we moved. It was hard at first, but so worth it now. This is the longest time I have gone without smoking in over 20 years. It took me 3 months to find a new job, and I gotta say, it was really wearing on me. Those old depressive thoughts started making their way back into my life again. I ended up seeing a new doctor and theripist and it has been a great help for me. The new doc took me off of all the meds I had been taking, listened to me about what had worked in the past, and went with that. My old doctor really wasn't like that, but at the same time, I was smoking all the time, so it's hard to blame him for a incorrect diagnosis. My new theripist is wonderful. We have only been able to meet a handful of times, but she has helped so much in those sessions, I can't say enough good about her.

I hope you find some of this helpful, or at least relateable. The worst thing you can do is to just stay stuck. I've found it only ever seems to get worse. I don't think you can afford to wait until your situation changes next year to do something. So that is my advice, do something different. While you are doing many positive things, exercise, keeping in touch with friends, etc., it seems to not be working overall. So learn some new coping skills, and use them. Try the theripy thing again. Talk to a doctor and at least get their opinion on what is going on with you. (If you do this, I would highly recomend a psychitrist with a speciality in substance abuse. Most of them have a pretty good grasp on depression, but not all have experience in substance abuse.) Just try to do something to get out of this rut.

I just noticed your location "far away from the ocean". That sucks. That was one of my issues too. I spent the last 4 years in land locked Illinois. The ocean is a very "spiritual" place for me, and I don't consider myself to be a very spiritual person, in general. I am now back in the coastal Carolinias again, and that has been a big help for me. I hope you can get back to the ocean as well.

Welcome to the Secular Connectins forum, hope you can find something to help you here. Take care.
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:09 AM
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Keep posting, just getting your thoughts written out can help. Look through the tool boxes listed in the stickies on Secular Connections. If depression really is your main problem you should visit a doctor, explain how you feel about meds and see if the doctor can't guide you to a GOOD therapist. It's good that you're exercising that definitely helps, if you're not eating healthy foods, check into that too. If you want to PM me, I'll tell you about all the wierd things I do for my health that may not be helping, but certainly are not hurting me. If it's alcohol that turns out to be the main problem, just don't take that first drink! No matter what that urge pushes you to do, drink fruit juice or coke, or water, or eat chocolate, or candy, anything but that drink! The urge wont last. Even if it comes back, it doesn't last just eat or drink something else. Alcohol will always make you feel lousy the next day ! Take care of yourself OB !!!!
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:17 AM
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Sorry OB, I forgot the hugs! I forget a lot! But I'll be thinking of you and rooting for you ! And here are your hugs :ghug3 :ghug2 :ghug2
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:20 AM
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OB - I really don't have any advice other than to say that my depression seemed to lift after I stopped drinking. Alcohol kept me in a vicious cycle of sadness and despair.

Hang in there. I'm sure there will be some smarter posts coming up behind me.

Jason
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Old 09-01-2009, 11:59 AM
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Hello, OB.

That was my problem...I couldn't stay sober until I got the depression issue properly addressed.

Please, please, please talk to the professionals. Tell your doctor about what happened before and he/she should be able to find something that will probably be a better fit for you.

Don't give up and reach out to the people who can help.

I've found the support at SR to be invaluable, but unfortunatly no one here is qualified to treat my depression. If I hadn't reached out for professional help when I did...I shudder to think where I'd be today without it.
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Old 09-01-2009, 12:29 PM
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Hi OB, I vote you keep posting as well. I always found that journaling was a big source of help for me. I remember one time being in another bad relationship and writing and then I looked back on some previous journal entries from earlier years and realized the story was the same just the names had changed, it was an eye opener for me. I always felt that I was born depressed and stayed that way for 50 yrs, then I got sober and within the first year I realized I wasn't depressed at all! My life had not changed except I was sober and it's wonderful.
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Old 09-01-2009, 04:01 PM
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This is my first post, I am very glad to find this forum. Yes depression and addiction is absolutely related. Nor can you expect to fix one problem and immediately expect to be a flower shining the sun on a spring day. I know that I have changed my brain through chemical use. I also know it will take some time to change it back. Similarly depression and stress change your neuroreceptors. Iíd like to post in more detail with some links, but the DTís have me tonight. This is the best I can do right now.
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Old 09-02-2009, 06:50 AM
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Hi Recycle, welcome!
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Old 09-02-2009, 01:23 PM
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Hi OB,

Sorry to hear you are depressed. I can relate. I am at about 4 months of sobriety and have been having NA beers recently bc of situational ... 'feelings' I guess, is the word. Im not thinking I will 'relapse', however, Im not sure either. Maybe the 4 month spot is just rough.

This probably isnt what you want to hear but your post sounds like depression talking. I have been taking 5 HTP for the past 2 months. It is natural and it helps.

Glad you are posting here. I cannot log in to SR from my home computer and I really wish I could.

I think being in a job you hate is what is making things the hardest IMHO.
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