Why bother? I'm back to one week substance-free. I feel so underwhelmed by this "milestone." I've had a weird sort of apathy regarding my lack of substance abuse lately. I don't want to go get toasted and buy some meth, but at the same time I just don't really care either way. I wouldn't go out in search of it but if someone had some beer or pot or maybe even meth here right now, I'd probably do it. I feel like it doesn't make any difference. I wanted to stop drinking and using because I thought my life would be better. It's better I guess because I have a normal-ish sleep schedule and I'm not hungover and I'm not worried about the police showing up. In trade I have zero social life, which sometimes really bothers me and sometimes does not. I admit that it's not *good* to go get drunk and do some of the stupid crap I have done. But it was *fun.* I have very few regrets about it, in fact I had a lot of fun, it was adventurous and exciting. I'm not crippled with guilt about what *could* have happened; I just don't care. All's well that ends well. I used to care. When I first stopped drinking I felt bad that I put other people in danger by driving drunk, treated myself very poorly, stole for drug money. Now my attitude is sort of like, "**** it, that's life." And when the person I wronged was a drug buddy, I just figure that's the game, that's what happens when you do drugs and if you don't want to get screwed over you probably shouldn't be doing drugs. I don't really feel remorse for it. What's happening to me? I feel like I've lost any sense of why I stopped using. The reasons to stay sober no longer seem compelling. My life doesn't seem to have much reason behind it, I just sort of exist. I don't want to go back to where I was in terms of drug use, but I wish there was something worth the effort to stay 100% clean and sober. |
I was in a face to face meeting when a guy said that people don’t really quit in the absence of huge problems. He argued that it takes a traumatic event to shock a person into quitting. I hope he’s wrong. I have had some pretty screwed up things happen while I was under the influence, but they all ended okay, I never had a problem behind the wheel, and no one ever got hurt, so I suppose I could go with the no regrets, alls well that ends well kind of attitude also. I suppose I might even be persuaded to think of being stoned as “fun,” although I think that the “fun” of being intoxicated is pretty overrated. But adventurous and exciting? Give me a break. Scuba diving is adventurous and exiting , sky diving is adventurous and exciting, rock climbing is adventurous and exciting, traveling is adventurous and exciting. Going places, meeting people and doing things is adventurous and exciting. Getting together with a bunch of stupid people who are ruining their lives with drugs and alcohol is not adventurous and exciting. When you quit, you really only guarantee yourself that you will not do drugs or alcohol. You don’t guarantee that life will get better. Life can be pretty random and bad things can happen, whether you are using and drinking or not. You do assure that you will be able to tackle life’s problems with a clear head and the judgment of a sober person, not the judgment of a person who is all strung out or messed up. You report that you have zero social life, then you explain that drug buddies wrong one another and that’s life. So if the people in drug circles aren’t really friends (and I don’t think that they are, I’ve been in those circles, and I know what the priorities are) then wouldn’t you rather have some real friends? Making friends and meeting people does not happen over night, but I assure you that good people are out there; good people who don’t need to get loaded all the time, and would be happy to have a new friend. I know two people from a long time ago (can you guess where this is going?). One is a guy who loves to party. He’s smoked pot and done meth his entire life, he’s a guy who’s always liked to party. He got older, and got married. He never really had a solid career, good jobs have been interrupted by periods of health problems or irresponsible and unreliable behavior. His wife has a good career, and they are actually quite affluent. He recently developed a love affair with vodka, and has been essentially unemployable due to his binges, and erratic behavior due to being drunk all the time. He now buys his marijuana from his son, who smokes marijuana all the time and deals it to support his habit. His wife wants to divorce him and find someone who is not so wrapped up in a lifestyle of drugs and alcohol. One is a guy who quit drugs and alcohol when he was young. He has an impressive career. He has a loving wife and great kids. He is by no means as affluent as the other family, but his children are articulate and talented. He has a nice home and many adventurous and exciting hobbies. He is the nicest guy in the world, and he is a good friend. Not a drug friend, a good friend. I can see this is a difficult time for you. Your addictive voice is singing you a siren song, and it’s stupid. Don’t believe it. Good lives take a long time to build, and addictions often deprive people of ever having good lives. Maybe I’m the pot calling the kettle black. I know that I have a pretty negative outlook sometimes. SMART has a toolbox which provides instructions for disputing irrational beliefs, and I have found this toolbox to be helpful during my recovery. SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin I think that some of your ideas here are irrational because you are craving drugs. Do not let your addictions control your life. |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294393)
I wanted to stop drinking and using because I thought my life would be better.
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294393)
What's happening to me? I feel like I've lost any sense of why I stopped using.
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294393)
I don't want to go back to where I was in terms of drug use, but I wish there was something worth the effort to stay 100% clean and sober. |
I hope I didn't need something traumatic in order to stop. A traumatic event really touched off my drug use, I'd hate to have to go through something like that again. It's not that I don't want to be done with it, it just doesn't make much difference. And I know that doesn't make sense because look at all the stuff I have going for me that was limited/non-existent/in jeopardy due to my drug use! I went back and read some older posts of mine, and there are great reasons to stop. School, real friends, etc. I know drug buddies and friends aren't at all the same thing. But I don't like hanging out on my own. I used to not have many friends and that was ok. Then I got some friends who were not homebodies and I was always going somewhere, doing something. I became used to being busy, always having somewhere to be. It's not easy to be at home again. Tomorrow there's a meeting for the local Rock and Gem club. So I'm going to that. At least it's something to fill my time, if nothing else. I know it's my addiction talking and I know it's stupid. I know in my head I have lots of great reasons to stay clean. I just don't feel it. I don't feel the commitment I first felt. And I know I drank and did some pot a week ago, but I've never had this reaction after doing drugs. I've always come off a night of drinking or drug use with a sort of renewed feeling that I need to stop, I'm risking too much. Maybe this is just a passing thing I need to let run its course. |
I'm back to one week substance-free. I feel so underwhelmed by this "milestone." I've had a weird sort of apathy regarding my lack of substance abuse lately. I don't want to go get toasted and buy some meth, but at the same time I just don't really care either way. I wouldn't go out in search of it but if someone had some beer or pot or maybe even meth here right now, I'd probably do it. When you quit, you really only guarantee yourself that you will not do drugs or alcohol. You don’t guarantee that life will get better. Life can be pretty random and bad things can happen, whether you are using and drinking or not. You do assure that you will be able to tackle life’s problems with a clear head and the judgment of a sober person, not the judgment of a person who is all strung out or messed up. I can see this is a difficult time for you. Your addictive voice is singing you a siren song, and it’s stupid. Don’t believe it. Good lives take a long time to build, and addictions often deprive people of ever having good lives. Maybe I’m the pot calling the kettle black. I know that I have a pretty negative outlook sometimes. SMART has a toolbox which provides instructions for disputing irrational beliefs, and I have found this toolbox to be helpful during my recovery. SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin I think that some of your ideas here are irrational because you are craving drugs. Do not let your addictions control your life. Or hey...you get to live a ripe ole age, partying as you please...making plenty of money...doper friends...damm the consequences as long as you get loaded when you want...who's business is it anyways. |
Originally Posted by sfgirl
(Post 2294461)
So in essence staying sober over the long run definitely will end up in a better overall feeling but I don't think that can be your motivation. Feelings are much too fleeting. I realize talking about feelings was sort of getting away from what you were talking about but I guess I just associate that with life being better. |
Originally Posted by Zencat
(Post 2294474)
Or hey...you get to live a ripe ole age, parting as you please...making plenty of money...doper friends...damm the consequences as long as you get loaded when you want...who's business is it anyways. |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294475)
When I say I thought my life would get better I never thought that meant without problems. It's life, after all. I thought I would feel better overall, not feel like a loser all the time, have a clear head in order to take on those problems. Several times I've made it to 2 months. Even then I still feel like a loser, like no one really wants to be friends with me unless they are high or drunk. And I don't feel qualified to make decisions about life's little problems, stuff I'd never waffle about when high will keep me baffled for ages. I don't feel like my head is clearer, I feel like it's more muddled, more full of all the static from other people. In early recovery, I just had a lot of crappy sh*t that I had to deal with— painful feelings about life in general and stuff like grieving alcohol. But even while I felt sad, it wasn't like that was lost time. I was building a lot of skills during that time. Skills I didn't even realize I was building. Skills like learning to deal with crappy feelings sober, self-nurturing skills, dealing with craving skills, etc. I was sort of a hermit for the first six months of sobriety basically because that is what my body and self was telling me I wanted. So now, at 10 months, I have definitely cut down my friend base but a lot of the friends that remain were ones that I drank with. While they aren't necessarily alcoholics, they may have been used to me as a different person or I just didn't know them completely, and I have been really disappointed in them lately, as in they are not showing up. So I am at 10 months feeling similar to you right now in that I feel low in the friend department. I want to go shopping for new ones (like actually I might go to AA meetings and try to find some recovering people). So recovery is one of those things you just got to keep at. But for me it is kind of fun to notice my challenges and work through them now because my progress is so quick in a way. Actually quick is the wrong word but I notice my progress so much and i love it. Which brings me to one final point. It will blow your mind how much better your mind functions in six months. It is amazing. You don't even realize you are functioning at a deficit now. I certainly didn't. You know I breezed through top-tier schools and stuff so you can't really take that stuff as markers. But it is more like the cognitive and the emotional and interpersonal all sort of come together. It may be the one thing that I am most grateful for. I notice so much more about my own mind and the world around me and it wasn't like I wasn't paying attention to that before that is the crazy thing. It really blows my mind. |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294475)
When I say I thought my life would get better I never thought that meant without problems. It's life, after all. I thought I would feel better overall, not feel like a loser all the time, have a clear head in order to take on those problems. Several times I've made it to 2 months. Even then I still feel like a loser, like no one really wants to be friends with me unless they are high or drunk. And I don't feel qualified to make decisions about life's little problems, stuff I'd never waffle about when high will keep me baffled for ages. I don't feel like my head is clearer, I feel like it's more muddled, more full of all the static from other people. |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294481)
That sounds exactly like me when using. "Not their business, not hurting them." I don't even *want* dope. I wouldn't go out and look for it. I've killed myself financially due to drugs, I'll be climbing out of that for years. Somehow I survived the worst of my addiction and still care about my credit score. That makes me weird among dopers, pretty sure. I don't want to just scrape by. I want to have a good life. I just thought not doing drugs would get me on the right path a little faster. Maybe I'm just impatient about it. A better life without drugs somewhere down the line. Why? Because you are so worth it...I mean that with love...You are so worth it. |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294393)
I feel like it doesn't make any difference. I wanted to stop drinking and using because I thought my life would be better. It's better I guess because I have a normal-ish sleep schedule and I'm not hungover and I'm not worried about the police showing up. In trade I have zero social life, which sometimes really bothers me and sometimes does not. I used to care. When I first stopped drinking I felt bad that I put other people in danger by driving drunk, treated myself very poorly, stole for drug money. Now my attitude is sort of like, "**** it, that's life." And when the person I wronged was a drug buddy, I just figure that's the game, that's what happens when you do drugs and if you don't want to get screwed over you probably shouldn't be doing drugs. I don't really feel remorse for it. What's happening to me? I feel like I've lost any sense of why I stopped using. The reasons to stay sober no longer seem compelling. My life doesn't seem to have much reason behind it, I just sort of exist. I don't want to go back to where I was in terms of drug use, but I wish there was something worth the effort to stay 100% clean and sober. I wish you strength. |
Originally Posted by Zencat
(Post 2294504)
A better life without drugs somewhere down the line. Why? Because you are so worth it...I mean that with love...You are so worth it. |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294471)
I hope I didn't need something traumatic in order to stop. A traumatic event really touched off my drug use, I'd hate to have to go through something like that again. It's not that I don't want to be done with it, it just doesn't make much difference. And I know that doesn't make sense because look at all the stuff I have going for me that was limited/non-existent/in jeopardy due to my drug use! I went back and read some older posts of mine, and there are great reasons to stop. School, real friends, etc. I know drug buddies and friends aren't at all the same thing. But I don't like hanging out on my own. I used to not have many friends and that was ok. Then I got some friends who were not homebodies and I was always going somewhere, doing something. I became used to being busy, always having somewhere to be. It's not easy to be at home again. Tomorrow there's a meeting for the local Rock and Gem club. So I'm going to that. At least it's something to fill my time, if nothing else. I know it's my addiction talking and I know it's stupid. I know in my head I have lots of great reasons to stay clean. I just don't feel it. I don't feel the commitment I first felt. And I know I drank and did some pot a week ago, but I've never had this reaction after doing drugs. I've always come off a night of drinking or drug use with a sort of renewed feeling that I need to stop, I'm risking too much. Maybe this is just a passing thing I need to let run its course. Hi, I know this is off topic, but I saw the Rock and Gem club thing. I have always been into rocks and gems. I didn't know they had something like that. Very Cool! |
Originally Posted by Sweets79
(Post 2295497)
Hi, I know this is off topic, but I saw the Rock and Gem club thing. I have always been into rocks and gems. I didn't know they had something like that. Very Cool! OK. Back to my weird brand of self-loathing. :lmao |
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2295559)
Ya, it sounds cool. The lady I was going to go with had to work last minute and I ended up not going because I couldn't find the place. Next week. There are lots of little clubs around, google it! OK. Back to my weird brand of self-loathing. :lmao Oh wow, I just checked. They have something like that by me. I didn't think they would, that's so cool. It says once in awhile they go on diff little field trips to areas of interest. Might be something else for me to check out! |
Originally Posted by Zencat
(Post 2294504)
Why? Because you are so worth it...I mean that with love...You are so worth it. I can't say it any better honey |
There is some really excellent input on this thread.
Originally Posted by gneiss
(Post 2294471)
I know it's my addiction talking and I know it's stupid. I know in my head I have lots of great reasons to stay clean. I just don't feel it. I don't feel the commitment I first felt. That's the beauty of recovery...you don't have to "feel it" to do it. If I only worked on my recovery while I was feeling the commitment I would have relapsed a long time ago. I only recently figured out that I cannot do this based upon how I feel. It's something I have to do no matter how I feel. The only reason I have almost 3.5 months sober is because I stuck with it even when sticking with it was the last thing I wanted to do. I thought that if I didn't feel the commitment, I must be doing something wrong. Nope. It happens...the negative feelings come and go. I wasted six years being wasted. To me, that's a traumatic event...a life gone wrong. I have no social life now...but I didn't have much of a social life while I was drinking, either. Freepath said that "good lives take a long time to build." That's right on. |
That's a very insightful post Bam! Good for you girl! |
Originally Posted by Bam That's the beauty of recovery...you don't have to "feel it" to do it. |
Originally Posted by Bamboozle
(Post 2295960)
I thought that if I didn't feel the commitment, I must be doing something wrong. Nope. It happens...the negative feelings come and go. |
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:19 AM. |