hmmm, it's sad that because it left you for awhile, you feel worse that it is back.
Ups and downs. I have had periods when I went from being terrified to ecstatic hourly. I have had times when life was so flat as to be mostly peaceful verging on depressingly boring.
Despair exists that we may know joy.

Stay in the now long enough and the next view promises to be even more spectacular.

Wish I knew what to say. I have no idea where your feelings are coming from, sounds like hate. I can only give you what I know of myself. What I hate the most is what I am when I drink during and mostly after. Pain, anxiety, hate are amplified in a wave that engulfs me leading me to drink more and more to escape. Sober, I can decide that most things are not as consequent to me or to the world around me. I tend to say " Big deal" or "So what" I might also look at "the failure of nebula and super nova" as something quite extraordinary that leads to a new genesis. I look for ways to love life, it makes it so much easier.
You've been inspirational to me. I'm counting on you to grasp at something, stop the fall, and climb back up.

I'm playing at being a real person lately. It's funny how easily I can sometimes pretend like that. Pretend that I'm someone who can be loved. Someone who can succeed. Someone with a purpose. I imagine I have such good intentions, love to give, protection and advice to offer. It's all sh*t. Icing contrived over a steaming soup of rot underneath. That's all it is. Imaginary. I can only hurt, how can I stop pretending to help? How can I stop subjecting others to myself? How can I stop feeling? If I hadn't buried myself so deep in work this week I might end up at the wrong end of a bottle, I don't know, I don't know if it matters. Anything I do will only hurt. There's no other way for me, I've tried it all. There's nothing stable, nothing true in life. I'm a passing shadow to others. Perhaps they take what little they can, or perceive briefly a shape that amuses them, but then it just fades back to black, blending into the background, and I go back to rotting, alone, never attained, not worth the effort. What did I think? That the gods would allow this? That a smile could last? That happiness would this time not pass? Why did I drink? Was it to alleviate the rotting? Was it to accelerate it? Why am I still here? Thirty years and dead for a lifetime already. I have nothing to offer, only the wrong things. I'm the enticing berry found in the woods by starving souls, I look pretty and appetizing by I'm deceiving, poisonous underneath, I cause hemorrhaging, pain, I'm a charade, a fool, an unhappy ghost. I must stop subjecting the world to myself.

It's just frustrating. All this time, and I can't get a grip. I love this girl, but I don't know how to do things right. I funk up. I think she's having second thoughts about me and why not? Why wouldn't she? I act like an idiot. I want to drink so funking bad today and they just dropped my shift tomorrow morning so I could right now, I have PLENTY of time to drown myself. I don't know how to help, I'm empty inside, I'm a fraud, I love immensely but then I want too much, I want contracts and assurances and blood swaps, I have been abandoned by everything I've ever loved, and this time it's more than love, she's amazing, she's perfect, and I'm funking it up because of fear, fear of her taking that away from me, it's self perpetuating, I can SEE all this so clearly but I cannot seem to stop, temper myself, calm the FUNK down! I don't know how to do life, I really really don't, I imagined I did before, but I don't know how to live anymore, sober, this way, how can I stop this? How can I learn to love right? How can anyone love me? I whine about it a lot but I see perfectly well why I'm unlovable, and I HATE IT! I just don't know how to change. I'm my own worst enemy. Shoot me please, anyone, put me out of my misery, funk this life...

Love is not the key to eternal happiness.
 

:hug:

Take a deep breathe Siam...and I'll give my $.02 on a few of your rhetorical questions...

Sometimes it's easier than others, but we all play to a certain extent. No one wants to be completely honest with the world all the time. Do I walk around saying "Hi, my husband is a heroin addict"? No. No one knows except you all...

It sounds great in theory, but in practice, no one has discovered the secret to "eternal happiness." It's all fleeting, so you need to enjoy it while you have it and not worry about where it will be tomorrow. Love is not the key to eternal happiness. It's so tempting to say "well, if I had someone to love, or someone to love me, everything would be ok" but the reality is that it just doesn't work that way. Trust me on this one...

OK, perfect relationships are not my forte...but...nobody's perfect. Don't put that kind of pressure on her. It's not fair to her, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Back to my previous point: you need to take what you can get when you have it. If things are going well, let it be. Enjoy the moment, and try really really hard not to start thinking about what could or might happen. Nobody knows how to "do life." Like I told you before, some people are just better fakers than you :) It doesn't mean they are "normal", it just means that they are more skilled at appearing to be what society defines as "normal." If you met me at a grocery store or something and didn't know who I was, I bet you'd think I was "normal".

OK, I agree with you...you are your own worst enemy ;)

(((hugs))) again - you sound like you need them.

Love, Daisy