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How do you fix damaged relationships due to drinking?

Old 06-07-2009, 06:10 PM
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I confess, I didn't even read this thead. Relationships are not fixable because they are not static - it's not like changing the muffler in your car or repairing a broken window pane. Relationships change all the time because people change all the time. For me, in any relationship in my life, I wouldn't be thinking about "repairing" so much as "prolonging." So the question becomes, "Do I want to prolong this relationship or not?" Notice the question does not include an assumption that the relationship will change to my liking. It will change, no doubt (I've a bit of experience here since I'm mother of two, and I've been breathing for half a century now). I can't fix relationships - I know that. I can hang in there or not, depending on how important the other person is to me, depending on whether or not I see hope of change (assuming that longevity of the relationship is dependent upon something changing).

The whole thing about changing a "relationship" is that you are - at most - only 50% of the problem. See how I said that - problem-you, related? If there are other people involved, you are likely much less than 50%.

What I know: Strong relationships heal, just like scrapes and sunburns. Nothing in my mental abilities allows me to heal scrapes and sunburns, but I can try to aid their healing. An emotional Band-aid is the best I can do for relationships. If that isn't good enough - everything I can do is just not good enough. And that's the way it is because the person who I'm trying to have a relationship with has his/her own minds, their own beliefs and their own ideas. I so love that in a person! So I love that person, but what if that person doesn't love me? Maybe later, maybe not - I can't change such a person. I wouldn't invest energy into a person who would be very changed by me. What would be the point?
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Old 06-08-2009, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by mistycshore View Post
I confess, I didn't even read this thead. Relationships are not fixable because they are not static - it's not like changing the muffler in your car or repairing a broken window pane. Relationships change all the time because people change all the time. For me, in any relationship in my life, I wouldn't be thinking about "repairing" so much as "prolonging." So the question becomes, "Do I want to prolong this relationship or not?" Notice the question does not include an assumption that the relationship will change to my liking. It will change, no doubt (I've a bit of experience here since I'm mother of two, and I've been breathing for half a century now). I can't fix relationships - I know that. I can hang in there or not, depending on how important the other person is to me, depending on whether or not I see hope of change (assuming that longevity of the relationship is dependent upon something changing).

The whole thing about changing a "relationship" is that you are - at most - only 50% of the problem. See how I said that - problem-you, related? If there are other people involved, you are likely much less than 50%.

What I know: Strong relationships heal, just like scrapes and sunburns. Nothing in my mental abilities allows me to heal scrapes and sunburns, but I can try to aid their healing. An emotional Band-aid is the best I can do for relationships. If that isn't good enough - everything I can do is just not good enough. And that's the way it is because the person who I'm trying to have a relationship with has his/her own minds, their own beliefs and their own ideas. I so love that in a person! So I love that person, but what if that person doesn't love me? Maybe later, maybe not - I can't change such a person. I wouldn't invest energy into a person who would be very changed by me. What would be the point?
First, mistycshore I'd like to say welcome here! I notice by your post count you are new. Also, I do believe that is a Shih Tzu in your avatar? I have two and love them dearly.

Thanks for your message. It does remind me I am only half of the equation in anything. I can beat myself up all I want to - to no avail. I don't control everything. I have a hard enough time just controlling ME.

At any rate, nice to have you here. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Old 06-08-2009, 04:46 PM
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Katie,

I am 50 and am asked for more dates than when I was 35.
And I absolutely will not settle for anything less than fantastic.

What I used to think might be a warning red flag is now a STRIKE, you're out!

I believe that with maturity, we have so much to offer, our personalities, characteristics, experiences, knowledge and interests have ripened, expanded and become far more interesting.

The French have a similar view and they are said to be the best lovers!? LOL

But first we have to be ready....by loving ourselves, our minds, our interests and our lives..............I am still a work in progress.....I should really be one hot mama at about 75!!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-08-2009, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
Katie,

I am 50 and am asked for more dates than when I was 35.
And I absolutely will not settle for anything less than fantastic.

What I used to think might be a warning red flag is now a STRIKE, you're out!

I believe that with maturity, we have so much to offer, our personalities, characteristics, experiences, knowledge and interests have ripened, expanded and become far more interesting.

The French have a similar view and they are said to be the best lovers!? LOL

But first we have to be ready....by loving ourselves, our minds, our interests and our lives..............I am still a work in progress.....I should really be one hot mama at about 75!!!!!!!!!
wish i were there! would you be my sponsor (grin)
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Old 06-08-2009, 05:43 PM
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thanks misty....oh yeah.... this thread could just as easiliy be how do you fix damaged relationships in sobriety.......
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Old 06-08-2009, 06:30 PM
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Personally I know it a mess to love someone that was just not available to me emotionally. I once wanted to be loved by a girl that was more interested in putting conditions abound our relationship than striving for compassion and understanding. But what did I have to offer? A tangled life, one of searching for calm amidst my own storm. I see now what I couldn't see then. She wanted stability...I had none of that to offer. The conditions were ones I could not meet at the time and for her time was more necessary than I could realize. I had to prove myself and she had a life to live. I chalk it up to the timing was wrong. Now I see I had to first demonstrate that I could love and have compassion for myself. And that has taken a long long time to do.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
Katie,

I am 50 and am asked for more dates than when I was 35.
And I absolutely will not settle for anything less than fantastic.

What I used to think might be a warning red flag is now a STRIKE, you're out!

I believe that with maturity, we have so much to offer, our personalities, characteristics, experiences, knowledge and interests have ripened, expanded and become far more interesting.

The French have a similar view and they are said to be the best lovers!? LOL

But first we have to be ready....by loving ourselves, our minds, our interests and our lives..............I am still a work in progress.....I should really be one hot mama at about 75!!!!!!!!!
Thanks. What you say embodies a LOT of wisdom. I'll be 50 in September although my emotional age is probably much younger.

I've had a very emotional day here and have realized what you say is true. It really all starts with me. I can only say "I am sorry" so often and "I am a screw-up" so often.

Did speak with my treatment therapist today. He is a great guy. My plan is to go "home" for a week tomorrow and do some soul searching. I have just *so much work* to do to fix me that it seems insurmountable. All these years of drinking and screwing up my life. Oh well, I'll just take it a day at a time and do the best I can.

Anyway, your post is very uplifting and thank you! And I am quite sure you will be FAB at 75!!!!
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Zencat View Post
Personally I know it a mess to love someone that was just not available to me emotionally. I once wanted to be loved by a girl that was more interested in putting conditions abound our relationship than striving for compassion and understanding. But what did I have to offer? A tangled life, one of searching for calm amidst my own storm. I see now what I couldn't see then. She wanted stability...I had none of that to offer. The conditions were ones I could not meet at the time and for her time was more necessary than I could realize. I had to prove myself and she had a life to live. I chalk it up to the timing was wrong. Now I see I had to first demonstrate that I could love and have compassion for myself. And that has taken a long long time to do.
Yup, I do think you've said everything here. I can't add anything, as you've said everything here.
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Old 06-08-2009, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
Did speak with my treatment therapist today. He is a great guy. My plan is to go "home" for a week tomorrow and do some soul searching. I have just *so much work* to do to fix me that it seems insurmountable. All these years of drinking and screwing up my life. Oh well, I'll just take it a day at a time and do the best I can.
Its not so insurmountable as it seems...it just takes time...alone...to do the work without any distractions. A time to find balance and stability. A time to regain a healthy perspective about relationships, what you can offer, what your capable of receiving. A time of learning the only love one can get is the love they can give...give to one selves that is. After that love radiates out from within to gather love from others. It is attraction rather than promotion.
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Old 06-08-2009, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Zencat View Post
Its not so insurmountable as it seems...it just takes time...alone...to do the work without any distractions. A time to find balance and stability. A time to regain a healthy perspective about relationships, what you can offer, what your capable of receiving. A time of learning the only love one can get is the love they can give...give to one selves that is. After that love radiates out from within to gather love from others. It is attraction rather than promotion.
You are so Zen Thanks, I've never thought of things this way. I guess that is what we all need to do is to learn how to love ourselves - so hard to do. Least for me.
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Old 06-08-2009, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
I've had a very emotional day here and have realized what you say is true. It really all starts with me. I can only say "I am sorry" so often and "I am a screw-up" so often.
That is why it is so important for me to demonstrate to those who endured my addiction to see my changes through ACTION not words. Saying "I'm sorry" is just empty if I don't follow-thru with proof that I am sorry for what I've done in the past. I do that through the changes in the way I behave.
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Old 06-08-2009, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Alera View Post
That is why it is so important for me to demonstrate to those who endured my addiction to see my changes through ACTION not words. Saying "I'm sorry" is just empty if I don't follow-thru with proof that I am sorry for what I've done in the past. I do that through the changes in the way I behave.
I could not agree with you more. In your experience, how long has it taken to demonstrate your sincerity with regarding to showing others that you have changed?
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Old 06-08-2009, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
You are so Zen Thanks, I've never thought of things this way. I guess that is what we all need to do is to learn how to love ourselves - so hard to do. Least for me.
On no kidding its hard...for me it was the hardiest to even begin to learn. And after demonstrating to myself what love is...did I only begin to understand that I was worthy of love.

Its a process with many trials and errors. Yet it starts with oneself and ends with oneself. Although during the way someone will notice...then it gets interesting as well complicated. But I found that with all that, that someone gets involved...and it gets better as growth is attractive.
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Old 06-08-2009, 10:54 PM
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Ok, guys. NOT going "home" tomorrow. I simply don't have the reserves. Like a car running on gas fumes. I cannot bear the thought of a long flight, car rental, hotel, etc. No, I am just going to stay home here to do what must be done. It's going to be hard. Gosh, and I put my pets in boarding. That can be undone easily enough. I did eat the car rental. It's amazing how far all of this will take a person down.

Zencat, your head really is in the right space. I do hope to get there.
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Old 06-09-2009, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post

I am 50 and am asked for more dates than when I was 35.

If you weren't on the opposite coast I would totally ask you out live!
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Old 06-09-2009, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
I could not agree with you more. In your experience, how long has it taken to demonstrate your sincerity with regarding to showing others that you have changed?
Months to years. I had been abusing for many years. It takes a lot of time to prove that I won't fall into those old behaviors so easily. As people see the growth and change in me through my program they begin to believe I'm changing for the better.
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Old 06-10-2009, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Alera View Post
Months to years. I had been abusing for many years. It takes a lot of time to prove that I won't fall into those old behaviors so easily. As people see the growth and change in me through my program they begin to believe I'm changing for the better.
Wow, months to years. I sure wish I were younger but I am not.
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Old 06-10-2009, 04:17 PM
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you're not Methuselah Katie LOL
D
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Old 06-10-2009, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
Wow, months to years. I sure wish I were younger but I am not.
Neither am I. However, I can't expect people to expect drastic lifestyle changes overnight.
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