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How do you fix damaged relationships due to drinking?

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How do you fix damaged relationships due to drinking?

Old 06-05-2009, 07:24 PM
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I am not an expert. But I have had my fair share of dealing with men.
And all that only call him during work jhours should have raised some red flags from the beginning.
Thats somthing a married man would want his mistress to do. Not saying thats what it is cause you said he isnt married. But You know what I mean. Something has to be going on with that. Thats just not normal.
What is the reason behind that?
He is 57 and a bachelor. Theres gotta be a reason for that too. Doesnt have to be bad. But it tells me he has commitment issues maybe.
He is your only support??!!
He is treating you and making you feel like a POS. How is that support?
Leave him alone. No reason to prolong the BS.
And you dont have to call him back to tell him your not going to call him anymore.
What is there to validate in doing that?
You have alot more important things to focus on IMHO. And that is you and your sobriety.
I just dont know hoe you get mixed up with these types of people katie. Since you first came here I have read aboput 3 or 4 different people you have had in your life that have done nothing but make you feel bad or take advantage of you.
You need to love yourself and forget about anyone else but you.
I know you can do it. And you are worth it.
Dont look to others especially men to find your worth.
You are a woman who is capable of being strong and independent and confident.
I know you got it in you.
Just stay away from this guy. You are vulnerable and he knows it.
Dont allow anyone to treat you like that.
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Old 06-05-2009, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I am not an expert. But I have had my fair share of dealing with men.
And all that only call him during work jhours should have raised some red flags from the beginning.
Thats somthing a married man would want his mistress to do. Not saying thats what it is cause you said he isnt married. But You know what I mean. Something has to be going on with that. Thats just not normal.
What is the reason behind that?
He is 57 and a bachelor. Theres gotta be a reason for that too. Doesnt have to be bad. But it tells me he has commitment issues maybe.
He is your only support??!!
He is treating you and making you feel like a POS. How is that support?
Leave him alone. No reason to prolong the BS.
And you dont have to call him back to tell him your not going to call him anymore.
What is there to validate in doing that?
You have alot more important things to focus on IMHO. And that is you and your sobriety.
I just dont know hoe you get mixed up with these types of people katie. Since you first came here I have read aboput 3 or 4 different people you have had in your life that have done nothing but make you feel bad or take advantage of you.
You need to love yourself and forget about anyone else but you.
I know you can do it. And you are worth it.
Dont look to others especially men to find your worth.
You are a woman who is capable of being strong and independent and confident.
I know you got it in you.
Just stay away from this guy. You are vulnerable and he knows it.
Dont allow anyone to treat you like that.
Thanks, Chi. I know you are right. It makes me very angry when I think about what you say and you are completely right. He does treat me like a POS and I've allowed it. No more!!!! I won't take it. He does know I'm vulnerable and I've had it. Somehow I just have to walk away and not look back. I just wish I were coming from a place of strength and could kick him to the curb, but I'm not. Oh well. I can still kick him to the curb even if I'm not in the best place. I did at least let him know the phone thing is very weird. I just can't deal with it. It's too lonely. Thanks for your post!
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:07 PM
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Well katie..first stop with the "I cant" and start the "I know I can".
You like the secular approach right? Well thats what its alll about. Mind over matter.
You can. Just believe you can and force yourself to do it just one time. And it will get easier.
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
Well katie..first stop with the "I cant" and start the "I know I can".
You like the secular approach right? Well thats what its alll about. Mind over matter.
You can. Just believe you can and force yourself to do it just one time. And it will get easier.
Thanks, Chi. As usual, are are spot on. I will start saying I CAN!!!! Yes, I do like the secular approach, but one thing I'm learning is that other approaches are great for support and more so than SMART I think. I am rethinking things. Let's just put it that way.

Here I started out wanting to fix this dysfunctional "thing" going on and getting really angry realizing I just need to put me first!!! This is why this place is so great. People inject REALITY into the equation and my head gets more clear.

I see I really need to focus on me now and let the other crap go. I did have one baby success today and no one did it other than me. I need to take what I know and apply it to my own life BTW, it's great to see you over here in this neck of the woods!
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:10 PM
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Thats what I like to hear. EVerything in that last post was positive.
I know you can do it. And you are so right.
And we start out with baby steps. So congrats on whatever happened and know that you can do it again and again.
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:18 PM
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I know this is really hard - when people act like jerks or jerkettes it's really hard not to buy into it - a good way to get past a troubling relationship is to try dating other people, .... who knows? You might meet a really nice guy! My sister dated a couple of huge jerks, and then the next guy was great! If you keep trying, the odds are your bound to meet a nice one sooner or later. Don't give up.... I think your feeling vulnerable right now...so keep that in mind - just because you've had a 'bad habit' does not lessen your worth! When I'm feeling like that I pop in a fav chick flick like Steal Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes or Something to Talk About..... :ghug
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by thinkaboutit View Post
I know this is really hard - when people act like jerks or jerkettes it's really hard not to buy into it - a good way to get past a troubling relationship is to try dating other people, .... who knows? You might meet a really nice guy! My sister dated a couple of huge jerks, and then the next guy was great! If you keep trying, the odds are your bound to meet a nice one sooner or later. Don't give up.... I think your feeling vulnerable right now...so keep that in mind - just because you've had a 'bad habit' does not lessen your worth! When I'm feeling like that I pop in a fav chick flick like Steal Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes or Something to Talk About..... :ghug
Great ideas! For better or worse, I really do have feelings for this guy. I'd sooner knit and watch Golden Girls than date someone else. Plus, let's not forget the guy before him is sitting in jail right now. All in all, if it ain't this guy, it's no one. I'm old by now and just don't see it happening.

Better I focus on my life. As things stand, I have to figure out a whole new career for me. Maybe I'll have to go back to school. In this jobless recovery (if we're recovering at all) I should sure be thinking about finances - hence my elation at getting back $3000 today. I do have credit, but one has to pay that back. I don't mind ramen noodles at all, but at some point I have to think of my future. I ain't no spring chicken any longer. At any rate, in the spirit of Chi's posts - I CAN!!! I am going to put up stickies all over my house saying I CAN!!!

Thanks for your post.
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Old 06-05-2009, 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
All in all, if it ain't this guy, it's no one. I'm old by now and just don't see it happening.
no no no...never settle Katie...in anything. Lifes not over until we stop breathing

Better I focus on my life.
This I can agree with LOL.

In my limited experience, for all our angst and all our efforts, the best things happen when they happen, K.

And like Keith and some others here have suggested, I think the best relationships come from when we've done the work on ourselves

D
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Old 06-06-2009, 03:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
no no no...never settle Katie...in anything. Lifes not over until we stop breathing



This I can agree with LOL.

In my limited experience, for all our angst and all our efforts, the best things happen when they happen, K.

And like Keith and some others here have suggested, I think the best relationships come from when we've done the work on ourselves

D
You're right D. Life isn't over until we stop breathing. But the LAST thing I want in my life is someone else to judge me. It's 2:30 a.m. and I've decided sleep is out for the night. I can't say how bad I'd like a drink to numb everything out. I've realized, vis a vis those messages yesterday that the world just has contempt and scorn for people with my issues - oh sure, none of you judge me and I am grateful for that, but if you could have heard those messages you'd understand why I say this. Any trust I had in him is out the window. Perhaps he thought that by saying what he did in the way he did it would make me wake up and take notice. Instread, I'd just like to drown myself in a bottle of booze and call it a life. Instead I am drinking coffee and chain smoking - but the store opens in four hours and then what. Then what.

I hate what I've become. It's hard to hate yourself and reach for sobriety at the same time. It just is and I don't see how I can do this feeling this way. At any rate, just getting this stuff out. Going to finish this cigarette, have more coffee and clean the kitchen. I have three hours and 45 minutes before the store opens. Gosh, I think I may be a REAL alcoholic here. Normal people don't look at the clock at 2:50 and think about when they start selling booze. Three hours and 40 minutes to figure out an alternate plan. Anyway, just blabbing here. I'll get over it.
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:09 AM
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Ok, I'm over it. I have to LOL at myself talking to myself in the middle of the morning. Hey, whatever it takes
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:17 AM
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I'm glad you worked it out Katie

and that one of the main things I did when I quit - I worked things out instead of drinking - it was hard, and painful, and sometimes maddening - but it didn't kill me...and I found I began to move ahead...I wasn't stuck in the same old holding pattern.

Don't go to the store today, ok?

D
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm glad you worked it out Katie

and that one of the main things I did when I quit - I worked things out instead of drinking - it was hard, and painful, and sometimes maddening - but it didn't kill me...and I found I began to move ahead...I wasn't stuck in the same old holding pattern.

Don't go to the store today, ok?

D
Thanks, D. You are right. It won't KILL ME to miss a night's sleep and not go to the store. Besides, I have a prescription I have to fill and am big time against drinking and driving. Maddening is a very good word. I like that and pretty much describes how I feel in this moment.

You know, this is the FIRST time in my life I've ever experienced this and it's its own special kind of hell - looking at the clock - trying to think of what else to buy that I don't need just to make it look good (IOW, one can't just buy wine alone at 6:30 in the morning or *they* will know). It's so much easier just not to drink yet so much harder at the same time.

BTW, Dee, thanks so much for "talking" to me. You're a lifesaver.

Last edited by Katie09; 06-06-2009 at 05:44 AM.
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:40 AM
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I think you can do it
stick close here if nothing else...

I'll see you my tomorrow
night Katie

D
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Old 06-06-2009, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I think you can do it
stick close here if nothing else...

I'll see you my tomorrow
night Katie

D
Night Dee I'll never get over how cool it is to be able to "talk" to you a world away. Sleep well.
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Old 06-06-2009, 07:22 AM
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Hey Dee, this sitting through feelings actually works!
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Old 06-06-2009, 08:31 AM
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You sound alot better katie. I am so glad.
That also sounds like progress to me.
I believe any one of us can put our drink or drug down. But leaving it there and what we do within ourselves is where the real work happens.
It starts inside us and without change in our thinking, behaviors and perception. Nothing much will change.
I have a daily inspiration in the newcomers daily section...This just happened to be the one I picked today.

"YOU.. YOURSELF, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve YOUR love & affection."

Buddha



Keep moving forward katie.
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Old 06-06-2009, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
You sound alot better katie. I am so glad.
That also sounds like progress to me.
I believe any one of us can put our drink or drug down. But leaving it there and what we do within ourselves is where the real work happens.
It starts inside us and without change in our thinking, behaviors and perception. Nothing much will change.
I have a daily inspiration in the newcomers daily section...This just happened to be the one I picked today.

"YOU.. YOURSELF, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve YOUR love & affection."

Buddha



Keep moving forward katie.
(((Chi))))

I love that. Thanks so much. Yeah, today is a new day! I hope all is well in your world and that you have a great Saturday!

Katie
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Old 06-06-2009, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
Better I focus on my life. As things stand, I have to figure out a whole new career for me. Maybe I'll have to go back to school. In this jobless recovery (if we're recovering at all) I should sure be thinking about finances - hence my elation at getting back $3000 today. I do have credit, but one has to pay that back. I don't mind ramen noodles at all, but at some point I have to think of my future.
Oh, Katie, I really do wish the best for you and hope you find some recovery. If you do, it will have a profound impact on your life, and these other concerns will take care of themselves.
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Old 06-06-2009, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by keithj View Post
Oh, Katie, I really do wish the best for you and hope you find some recovery. If you do, it will have a profound impact on your life, and these other concerns will take care of themselves.

KeithJ, we may disagree, but big hugs!!!
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Old 06-06-2009, 01:54 PM
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One day at a time Katie, you can do it! All my life I thought I had to have a man in my life that I wasn't 'complete' w/o one and there was always men I'd be ashamed to say how many; well I've not had a man in my life nor any close companions in over 2 years and I'm happier than I've ever been. I've spent the last 2 years getting to know Judy and as I've cleaned up my life I've discovered I really LIKE myself! I'm no 'spring chicken' either, I'm 52 and the chances of meeting a good man, in good shape, with a good job, who doesn't drink, are pretty slim, Dallas is a very young city, but if it happens I'll be ready; and if it doesn't that's fine because I love my life the way it is. Be good to YOURSELF Katie you deserve it.
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