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Alera's CBA

Old 05-29-2009, 08:32 AM
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Alera's CBA

5/29/2009

1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
I like the feeling I get in my head.
I like being able to zone out on one subject whether it be a video game or a movie.
I like the physical feelings I get when I use.
I like the buzz.
I like the ability to deal with issues w/ others without having to be overly concerned about my emotions. I feel the drugs keep my emotions in check.


2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
I hated the fact it had so much control over me I left the toaster oven when I was using. It scared me so badly I won't go near a kitchen if I'm even tired now.
I really hate the fact I don't have the control to use once I start. Yeah, I'm a control freak.
I like to play video games, and my reflexes go down the toilet when I'm using. Playing America's Army or CounterStrike while stoned doesn't get me very far.


3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
Freedom to go where I want without concern about my comprehension of what surrounds me.
People don't look at me wondering what is wrong with me as I stumble around slurring.
When I stumble because I'm having an MS relapse I'll know right away instead of playing the "is it the drugs" game.
My pill clock/dosage does not force me to stay up or go to sleep.
When I am in pain and take the appropriate medication dosage, it actually works.

4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction?
I don't like having to deal with negative feelings such as shame, guilt and worry.
I don't want to have to be "uber aware" all the time, and like to enjoy some movies and TV shows while sedated.
I hate anger. I don't feel anger when I'm really intoxicated.
There is safety feeling in having extra meds on me knowing I can abuse when I am in a stressful situation.
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Old 06-01-2009, 03:18 PM
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I carried a copy of my CBA around in my wallet for over a year. And had one tacked on ym wall in front of my computer.
I did that to reflect if I ever had the urges. I maybe pulled it out a couple times. I would stare at it for a long time.
I want ready in least to stop. So I threw it away. I got so mad at myself.
I am goin to do another one.
And do the same thing. Carry it around and paste it in front of my face.

I think it is a very good tool. Especially when you look at the differences in the lists. WHich outweighs the other.
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Old 06-09-2009, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I carried a copy of my CBA around in my wallet for over a year. And had one tacked on ym wall in front of my computer.
I did that to reflect if I ever had the urges. I maybe pulled it out a couple times. I would stare at it for a long time.
I want ready in least to stop. So I threw it away. I got so mad at myself.
I am goin to do another one.
And do the same thing. Carry it around and paste it in front of my face.

I think it is a very good tool. Especially when you look at the differences in the lists. WHich outweighs the other.
How is the new one coming along? I just saw this post and pulled out my CBA. I'll be adding to it tonight.
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Old 06-09-2009, 08:53 PM
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It took me a couple days to do it.
I am still working on it.
I dont plan on ripping pieces off it to write down dealers numbers this time.
That is so bad. I carried my last one around for so long and I just kept getting high after awhile I just used it to write on afetr so long.
Thats not goin to happen thins time.

I read an essay a night from the library.
I am going to start my SMART book collection when I get back to work and can buy them.
I am not too into the meetings this time. I like the reading and stuff more this time.
I think I will just do 1 or 2 meetings a week just to tweek my program. Learn some new things.

I will work on my CBA some more tomorrow.
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Old 06-09-2009, 10:21 PM
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Hmm.. I must do this. Right now.
Thanks Alera.
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:26 AM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
It took me a couple days to do it.
I am still working on it.
I dont plan on ripping pieces off it to write down dealers numbers this time.
That is so bad. I carried my last one around for so long and I just kept getting high after awhile I just used it to write on afetr so long.
Thats not goin to happen thins time.

I read an essay a night from the library.
I am going to start my SMART book collection when I get back to work and can buy them.
I am not too into the meetings this time. I like the reading and stuff more this time.
I think I will just do 1 or 2 meetings a week just to tweek my program. Learn some new things.

I will work on my CBA some more tomorrow.
When people recommend carrying a CBA around with you, I'm not sure if that's what they have in mind You can always print it out on a colored piece of paper so that it stands out to you in the future. Then when you hold it on you, or see it around the color will be an extra reminder to grab it instead of grabbing money, drugs etc. That has been very helpful to me.

I find SMART meetings are best in moderation as well. Too many and I spend too much time "in the rooms" instead of working my program. Also, if I have a question about a certain tool, I just pop into their chat room and ask an experienced member of SMART OnLine.

For me, in SMART the meetings are here to teach me how to work my program. They give me skills to learn how to use the tools, but if I don't work the program the meetings are useless. What good is a brand new set of Craftsman tools if I never break them out of the plastic?
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:21 AM
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I have just joined Smart online and am planning on starting a CBA today, I am a little bit frightened of actually throwing myself into the program because it almost feels like it's my last chance.

I am aware that this is a fairly irrational thought and I hope by using the tools of Smart I will be able to deal with this kind of feeling, but that doesn't change the fact that really trying something is scary for me.

I have gotten used to using the fact that I never really try anything to become comfortable with failure.

Anyway wish me luck I might need it
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Old 06-10-2009, 07:26 AM
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Sorry things feel that way allport, I hope Smart clicks with you. I believe you will find the way, after all, your still here posting and striving.
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Old 06-10-2009, 03:04 PM
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Allport, I so understand that fear you are talking about. I do hope you find help in SMART and I'm looking forward to reading your CBA.
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Old 06-10-2009, 09:30 PM
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Here is a quick one of mine. I could add so many more and probably will as tiem passes.


1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
  1. Escape reality for awhile
  2. The buzz
  3. The excitement
  4. I get to hang out with people and just not care about anything
  5. Its fun alot of times


2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
  1. It makes me not care about anything
  2. I do things I would normally not do
  3. I risk my freedom and life everytime I use
  4. I lose my family's trust
  5. I lose jobs
  6. I waste time and money
  7. I dont take care of myself at all
  8. I get depressed afetrwards
  9. I have no energy

3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction?
  1. I know I will do what I am suppose to
  2. I will pay my bills on time
  3. I wont have to feel the guilt anymore
  4. I wont have to keep earning trust again and again
  5. I can keep a job and possibly get promoted
  6. I wont get in trouble with the law
  7. I will be able to save money
  8. I will feel better about myself
  9. I will be alot healthier


4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction?
  1. Not hanging out with other users
  2. Not having an outlet to just get away from life
  3. Thats really it.
.
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Old 06-10-2009, 10:09 PM
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Will's CBA (cost benefit analysis)

What I enjoyed about using alcohol/drugs:
  • That mind blowing high.
  • Feeling invincible and all knowing. LOL
  • I donít like to admit it: manipulating others with drugs for sex.
  • The fast and crazy life style.
  • My identity as an atheist anarchist outsider.(I thought I was crankster gangster but in reality I was a tweekster geekster.)
  • My complete ease with social situation; night clubs, concerts, what the hell, everywhere people gather.
  • I actually liked that sucked up, speed freak appearance of being slim.
  • The ability to work 72 hours non-stop on my art projects, cleaning my small rental or buffing and polishing the ball bearings and race on my bicycle wheel hub assembly.
  • The belief that I was a highly talented but widely misunderstood and undiscovered artist. LOL.
The downside about using alcohol/drugs: (To put it lightly)
  • Damages my self-worth. (I would feel like a total waste of human flesh.)
  • My psych meds were turned to mush and rendered useless.
  • Delusional. (Meth/alcohol madness.)
  • Exaggerates/exacerbates my depression, anxiety, ADD and personality disorder (SMB) & (my often fluxing personality would drive people away).
  • Grain/body tissue damage and poor nutrition, yea jacked-up.
  • A-motivational. (when I ran out of dope, I had to absolutely struggle to go anywhere, except to the dealer of course).
  • Faulty decision making.
  • Alienates family/friends: (Just totally **** off people with my outrageous behavior.)
  • Guilt, embarrassment, remorse and shame. (repeat the same dumb mistakes over and over.)
  • Work performance suffers or job termination.
  • Obsessive thinking about next use of AOD. (Fiendishly craving for more dope.)
  • Cost prohibitive. (I was perpetually broke.)
  • Withdraw/detox. (the anxiety and depression was dreadfully excruciating.)
  • Criminal behavior.
  • Dangerous associations with criminals.
  • Incarceration in jails or psych wards. (WAFWOT that was!)
  • Homelessness.
  • Risk of contracting hepatitis C, AIDS and STDs.(how did I miss that stuff??)
All the stuff I am enjoying and hope to benefit from by being clean and sober.
  • Psych meds are working great.
  • Building better self-efficiency .
  • Better health both psyche/soma.
  • A mostly semi-stable life style.
  • Good (at least endurable) relationships with family/friends.
  • I am learning to manage my emotions (through REBT/CBT tools, Zazen, and Buddhism and more along those lines) and motivate myself.
  • I can budget my money: maintain rent, car, and have money for fun stuff.
  • I could do some volunteer work at the Hospital & Animal Shelter. ( 8th & 9th Step?) LOL
  • I could return to college and complete the Addictions Disorders Studies / A.S. degree I started.
  • Iím currently attending support groups, visiting a therapist and psychiatrist at the Mental Health Department.
  • I am developing sober friendships, going to sober dinners and dances at a local Alano Club.
  • Currently forming a healthy and respectful relationship with a wonderful woman.
    Practicing safe sex. (yea ; Having sex)
  • Staying out of lock-up facilities.
  • Looking into a hobby. (Hobby Rocketry sounds like fun to do again).
  • I have become political / environmentally active.
  • Attending a weekly art group.
  • Started to have fun with art projects and funky crafts again.

Things I might miss because of not using AOD
  • I do say I miss the unrealistic high I got from drugs. (Yet, I donít miss the horrid disabling come down). Maybe take up street luge for the adrenaline rush.
  • Ease with social interactions. ( Iím learning stress reduction and desensitization techniques to deal with that.)
  • Being thin. (I can diet and exercise.)
  • My identity as atheist anarchist outsider. (I can still be an atheist anarchist outsider and be clean and sober. The good news is: I donít have to throw me away to find a renewed me).
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Old 06-12-2009, 11:47 AM
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I'm working on this and it isn't exactly going well...i needed to say that out loud...if i'm still struggling tomarrow i'll post more about it...i'm just real short on the list of enjoy/benifit by sobriety section....

Hopefully it's a temporary thing and i'll do the list well later.
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:40 PM
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Bump

Some really excellent CBA posts in this thread

Ron
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:58 PM
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Ditto to Mongo's assessment today! I wonder how I missed this before? Doesn't matter I guess. When I get enuf courage, I will share my 1st stab at my CBA.
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:11 AM
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I don't work SMART but this could be very helpful for me. I think I might do one. Thanks for all the posts. It seems like on some level you would have had to do this mentally to even get into a recovery program. At some point something in your brain changed and you realized the negatives outweighed the positives. But putting it down on paper makes it more powerful. Sometimes reading something makes it click better than saying it to yourself.
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:07 PM
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gneiss, one nice thing is you don't have to "work" the SMART program to use the tools. It is not an all-or-nothing program at all. I've even been in meetings were those who represent SMART in official capacities discussed openly which tools they used, and which tools they received no help from. In a meeting recently, we discussed the many facets of people who are "working" SMART. Those that use one/many tools from the toolbox, the person who attends online meetings, the person who goes to F2F only, the person who only uses the bulletin board at SOL etc.
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:37 PM
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Thanks, Alera. Now I'm curious about the other tools. I was about to ask if there was a place to learn about it but I just noticed a SMART link on another thread. SMART Recoveryģ|Self Help for Alcoholism Drug & Other Addiction Thanks for posting it.

Sorry, I'm not trying to hijack your thread. I've been looking for some other way to go about this since I keep falling off the wagon every couple months. It's getting frustrating and obviously I'm still doing the same and getting the same results. Time for a change.
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Old 11-19-2009, 04:26 PM
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I've done one of these before outside of SMART; it was called a 'payoff matrix'....

1.What do I enjoy about my drinking, what does it do for me (be specific)? (pros of continuing to use)
-Escape from boredom & the tediousness of daily life
-Makes artistic expression much more fun (playing music, listening to music, painting, drawing, writing poetry)
-Numbs out feelings of depression, loss, rejection, or grief
-Calms me down, decreases anxiety...even if it's positive in nature (elation)
-Makes me feel more sociable and easier to talk to others in public
-Takes the edge off sexual encounters, significantly decreasing performance anxiety


2. What do I hate about my drinking, what does it do to me (give specific examples)? (cons of continuing to use)
-Fills my time with voids of non-productive 'play' (watching movies, playing video games, online activity)
-reinforces my social isolation
-weight gain and physical erosion (high BP, poor liver functioning)
-loss of control; not knowing what I did during blackouts
-aggression, verbal outbursts, instigating fights/arguments
-keeps me in a bubble, preventing any progress in key areas of my life (school, job, career, relationships)


3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction? (pros of quitting)
-no more hangovers
-no more guilt and shame
-no more lying or hiding things
-improved physical health
-improved job performance
-progress on educational/career goals


4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction? (cons of quitting)
-Dealing with boredom, finding new activities to fill my time
-losing interest in past activities
-confronting feelings, especially painful ones
-loss of 'reward' at the end of the day
-inability to deal with anxiety and nervousness in public and around romantic partners

So does #3 outweigh #2?? ...hellz yeah!
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Old 11-19-2009, 04:34 PM
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Alera:
It is not an all-or-nothing program

Interestingly, SMART tends to identify 'all or nothing' thinking (or 'addictive thinking' as Gorski describes) as central to maintaining the addiction.

Sadly, this style of thinking is evident among many of our peers here on SR. Especially those advocating the 'one way' approach to sobriety.

As per the basic prinicples of CBT, I find such cognitive restructuring to be helpful, por ejemplo:

"I totally blew it. My day is ruined. I have nothing to lose by drinking."

replaced by:

"Even though I had a bad day and things didn't turn out as planned, that doesn't mean I have to resort to drinking."
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