Zencat

Looks good stretched too. Think of the possibilities...yes.

gerryP

More space to vacuum.

Katie09

Well, I decided to really screw up and fell asleep with something cooking on the stove. Woke up and my whole house was enveloped in this huge haze of smoke. I don't even remember if my smoke detector woke me up or if I just woke up. Looks like it's time for a new battery. I sat in the backyard just watching these clouds of smoke exit from my house. Really quite an eery feeling. To make matters worse, I am in no shape to volunteer. Too worried about the shakes. I tell ya, this really sucks. I am so going to deal with this in my group tomorrow night. I could go to a 4 pm. meeting today but I probably won't. I am definitely going to have to adjust my way of thinking before something very bad happens. Intellectually, I know all this stuff. I just can't seem to get my crap together on the emotional level which is where this sort of stuff must get done. At least the next holiday isn't for about five weeks.

suki44883

Geez, Katie...when are you going to stop making excuses?? You could have burned your house down. Sorry, but...I could go to a 4pm. meeting today but I probably won't...??? Why do you keep asking for advice and then going out of your way to ignore it?? I know you hate the "tough love" thing, but Holy Cr*p!! Grow up already!

Katie09

Thanks, I know you are saying this out of concern. I don't go to those types of meetings, but am actually considering returning if for no other reason I like this woman who goes there. Not a good reason to go, but it's a reason. Yes, I could have burned the whole house down. This isn't the first time this has happened (where I fall asleep when something is on the stove) but this is the ONLY time I've woken up to an entire house filled in smoke. As far as making excuses? I don't see it that way. What I do see is a person who is making some very bad choices as a result of my addiction and this simply must stop. Easy to say, hard to do. Tomorrow night in my treatment group I am going to spill my guts. I am not minimizing an entire house at risk. Not to mention me and my pets. Yes, it was stupid and very bad. ETA: I am not asking for advice near as I can tell. The only advice I think I'd get is "don't drink." Got that, but for some reason part of me doesn't. Now...if anyone can help me get over a jerk who is just not there for me and tell me how, that is advice I'd welcome, but that isn't what this forum is about, so I don't even go there - even though it's all sort of intertwined, if you know what I mean.

TTOSBT

Katie,
He was probably in some dark, smoky casino feeding his own addiction.
From what I can tell, this guy can not be there for you as he is sick himself.
I know that does not help the hurt heart and loneliness but you DO deserve better.
I would suggest doing something different today.
Something has got to give sooner or later, eh?

Katie09

Thanks, you could be right. I do think the gambling is an issue, but it doesn't fill his house with smoke and I cannot very well let this one go. No, I am going to just have to tough this one out, as it were. I am going to have to go through the gut wrenching pain of loneliness and all associated with it to deal with MY addiction. I *had* hoped for an easier softer way, but there just isn't one.

Katie09

This really has nothing to do with this thread, but I don't want to start another thread, but this IS drink worthy. Deep sigh. I've just been informed I do *Not* have a relationship with the person who three times last week brought up marriage, retirement and being soulmates. Addicts are definitely *Not* the only messed up people out there, but we sure do get a bum rap.

suki44883

Consider yourself lucky, Katie! I'd say it calls for a celebration, but no drinking, okay? :p

Katie09

Thanks, I'd say "inspired" is the word I am looking at right now. Have already made two phone calls to get out of here. One to visit a friend in SoCal and the other to return to the Bay Area to be this other guy's roommate (he's sober in aa for about 14 years). I am so out of here. I am just slipping away. The irony is I have MATERIAL stuff here and am just killing myself. If you could see where I live, I've got it all - and NOTHING.

Lenina

Katie,

I also think you dodged a bullet on this guy. Does he do the gambling online? Or is it the casinos? Not that it matter much but if you would be just as alone with him in the house glued to the gambling sites on the computer.

I met my hubby by chance. Do you get out of the house much other than to IOP? Are there any book clubs in your area? As I got older, I realized that I didn't need a man for company. I was lucky enough to have a group of girlfriends to have dinners with, see a movie or talk to on the phone.

Love,

Lenina

Live

Katie,

you are going to throw out your treatment group and your volunteering?

Some of my habits are more easily changed with a change of venue, for example, caffeine is a no-no to me, yet married with a husband who made coffee each morning and was not able or wiling to go decaf with me...I wound up drinking caffeine again.
We have divorced, no one is makiing coffee each morning and I don't miss it at all.

I am addicted to cigarettes. No matter where I go or whom I am with....nothing is going to affect the fact that I will always make sure I have cigarettes and feed my addiction to them. And I don't know what it will take for me even to think about stopping that addiction.

Katie09

No, I am going to continue both. It's just that my group isn't until tomorrow night and I didn't go to volunteer this a.m. Actually, I have been sleeping quite a bit. I do need to get out of here though. My friend has a place for sale in CA and I am going to think about it. Granted, it's in a town I don't know probably with no jobs, but it's not like I'm doing anything here either. There are no jobs to be had anywhere, it seems.

Well, I do hear you on the smoking addiction. Damn. Quit for 15 years and then picked it up again and now it's 15 years later again. It IS a tough thing to give up.

Katie09

Thanks, Lenina. It's only (and I say only tongue in cheek) at casinos. Still, I can only imagine how much money he goes through. Slots do NOT pay. Gosh, if I were a problem gambler I would sure be living in the right area (maybe four casinos within half an hour of me), but I am in no way a gambler.

Thanks for asking, I don't do anything other than IOP and volunteer (but not today). There are no jobs to be had here temp-wise, so lot's of time on my hands. How did you meet your husband? Those by chance meetings are the best

Lenina

Katie,

I met him during a time I was very busy with work. A meeting got canceled and I end up with a free evening. I took myself to see a movie. I had some time to kill so I browsed in the bookstore next door to the movies. We just started chatting about a book, found out we had similar interests and he was waiting for the same movie!

We sat together, had pie after and he gave me his phone number. A few days later I called him regarding something we had been talking about and needing a reference.

I was totally involved in my project and literally had no time for socializing. Weeks went by and we chatted on the phone from time to time. Finally, I had a free night and we had dinner. We had so many similar interests, philosophical and political.

Believe me, I was in no mood for getting involved with any man but he was so interesting to me and we laughed a lot together. That's been almost 20 years ago! He became my best friend. We rarely spat and get along very well.

But, of course, I knew there were things about him that would never change just like I have things that will never change. We make accommodations. He's a dyed in the wool slob. I am not always easy to be around. I like alone time. He's gives me my space and respects me.

He's been very good to me over the years. He stood by me during some very bad times. Family illnesses, my own injury and been very supportive.

Love,

Lenina

Katie09

I know there is the friends and family forum, but I do want to comment on what this thing does to others, just in my humble opinion. I do know the pain of watching someone with active addition first hand, although when I looked at their addictions they always somehow seemed worse than my own. Perhaps it was because they were doing drugs other than alcohol and alcohol seems so ok as it's legal. I've never been involved with anyone with an alcohol issue per se, but I sure got an earful this a.m. regarding how my drinking affects him. Sure, he isn't perfect, but at least I deal with a person whose emotions aren't going up and down expressed in often volatile and not well thought out ways. No, that's my area when I am drinking and get angry. And to be perfectly honest, my first thought was that I knew it was coming and my second thought about a bottle of wine. At any rate, he didn't tell me to take a hike (but he still might) nor is he interested in coming to my group. I thought two things might happen if he did 1) It would give him the opportunity to express his own feelings and 2) it just might make an impact on my thick head. He says no and it's my problem. I guess he is right. Plus he is very angry at this point.

I know we do this for ourselves first, but we also do it (stop drinking) for others. I just can't seem to get the self part down and without that there are no others. I know he must be thinking right now about checking out for a while or permanently, as I had those thoughts many times myself while watching someone in the throes of active addition. I know how it is to hope maybe it's the last time; maybe he'll really get sober; maybe we can really have a healthy relationship (and this in the insanity of *my* continued drinking!) And I know how disappointing this must be to him especially considering I am going to IOP, I am taking my meds, I do see a therapist, I do see a psychiatrist. The one thing I can't seem to do is the one thing no one else can do for me and the one thing I cannot avoid or escape from - and that is just to sit with the pain that comes from not drinking.

So I guess I'd like to hear any thoughts on how our using affects others and also any ideas you might have as to just going through the pain that feels like it will never go away without a drink. Thanks.

Oops, big post to tack on but oh well

keithj

Katie, I think if I had to just sit through the pain that comes from not drinking, I would have stayed drunk. That is why recovery is so important. With recovery, there is no pain from not drinking. For alcoholics like me, the days between quitting drinking and getting that recovery deep in my heart are very uncomfortable. Almost unbearable.

I know you are doing a lot of things for recovery. But you are also doing a lot of worrying. Maybe it's best to focus down on just the recovery. Nothing else matters. Life gets pretty simple when you only have one thing to take care of. Do that one thing to the utmost of your ability, and the other things will take care of themselves.

Katie09

Thanks for understanding. I do appreciate your perspective. I was thinking (again) about picking up more days volunteering. It would serve the purpose of helping others and getting me up early each day. It's only two hours a day. Everytime I go there one of the clients says something that just makes my day. These are people with very little and just there because they are in need and the clothes and food are free and they do need the help, especially in these tough times. The added benefit is I get to practice Spanish.

Then I was thinking about renting a place for a month in my former city just to be around water. Could help. My friend up there has been in AA for about 14 years and he'd be the person I'd be hanging out with. With any luck, he'd rub off on me.

I dunno. I'd best make no rash decisions today as that is what always seems to get me in trouble - that and alcohol. Oh well, I do have my group tonight and can bounce these ideas off of them. I am thinking the volunteering is the best bet, all things considered. I would be forced to be accountable and get the *H* outta ME! It's been somewhat hard to do these days considering I could have burned my house down (and somehow I don't think insurance would cover that ) Not to make light of anything. I just feel like the dunce in this sober class forum

gerryP

Katie, I couldn't sit with the pain that was caused *by my drinking*

It all seemed normal to me, one crisis after the other. Couldn't understand how I could be so unlucky. One thing...after another, day in and day out, here we go again... It never occurred to me that all the trouble was caused not only by *me* but as a result *of* my drinking.

Never mind your house burning down Katie, you and your animals could have died in the fire.

gerryP

Forgot to add...

This was the kind of "all in a day's work" example of what normal was in my life while I was drinking.

I went to the parking garage one morning and my car was gone. I stood there staring at the space for a few minutes. Thought it had been stolen, so I went up to the conceirge and told him what I found...or didn't find. I swore up and down that I hadn't been out after 6 pm the night before and I hadn't as we found on the video tape. I had left the building around 5.30 and remembered that I had left my car at the liquor store. I totally forgot i had a car. probably a very good thing because I shouldn't have been driving to get there. I still shudder as I tell the story. Here's the point...I was relieved I figured out where it was, but it was "just another day in the life of......