Very bad weekend, sick and have to fess up
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Well, I decided to really screw up and fell asleep with something cooking on the stove. Woke up and my whole house was enveloped in this huge haze of smoke. I don't even remember if my smoke detector woke me up or if I just woke up. Looks like it's time for a new battery. I sat in the backyard just watching these clouds of smoke exit from my house. Really quite an eery feeling. To make matters worse, I am in no shape to volunteer. Too worried about the shakes. I tell ya, this really sucks. I am so going to deal with this in my group tomorrow night. I could go to a 4 pm. meeting today but I probably won't. I am definitely going to have to adjust my way of thinking before something very bad happens. Intellectually, I know all this stuff. I just can't seem to get my crap together on the emotional level which is where this sort of stuff must get done.
At least the next holiday isn't for about five weeks.

Geez, Katie...when are you going to stop making excuses?? You could have burned your house down. Sorry, but...I could go to a 4pm. meeting today but I probably won't...??? Why do you keep asking for advice and then going out of your way to ignore it?? I know you hate the "tough love" thing, but Holy Cr*p!! Grow up already!
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Geez, Katie...when are you going to stop making excuses?? You could have burned your house down. Sorry, but...I could go to a 4pm. meeting today but I probably won't...??? Why do you keep asking for advice and then going out of your way to ignore it?? I know you hate the "tough love" thing, but Holy Cr*p!! Grow up already!

Last edited by Katie09; 05-26-2009 at 10:33 AM.
Katie,
He was probably in some dark, smoky casino feeding his own addiction.
From what I can tell, this guy can not be there for you as he is sick himself.
I know that does not help the hurt heart and loneliness but you DO deserve better.
I would suggest doing something different today.
Something has got to give sooner or later, eh?
He was probably in some dark, smoky casino feeding his own addiction.
From what I can tell, this guy can not be there for you as he is sick himself.
I know that does not help the hurt heart and loneliness but you DO deserve better.
I would suggest doing something different today.
Something has got to give sooner or later, eh?
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Katie,
He was probably in some dark, smoky casino feeding his own addiction.
From what I can tell, this guy can not be there for you as he is sick himself.
I know that does not help the hurt heart and loneliness but you DO deserve better.
I would suggest doing something different today.
Something has got to give sooner or later, eh?
He was probably in some dark, smoky casino feeding his own addiction.
From what I can tell, this guy can not be there for you as he is sick himself.
I know that does not help the hurt heart and loneliness but you DO deserve better.
I would suggest doing something different today.
Something has got to give sooner or later, eh?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
This really has nothing to do with this thread, but I don't want to start another thread, but this IS drink worthy. Deep sigh. I've just been informed I do *Not* have a relationship with the person who three times last week brought up marriage, retirement and being soulmates. Addicts are definitely *Not* the only messed up people out there, but we sure do get a bum rap.
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Thanks,

Katie,
I also think you dodged a bullet on this guy. Does he do the gambling online? Or is it the casinos? Not that it matter much but if you would be just as alone with him in the house glued to the gambling sites on the computer.
I met my hubby by chance. Do you get out of the house much other than to IOP? Are there any book clubs in your area? As I got older, I realized that I didn't need a man for company. I was lucky enough to have a group of girlfriends to have dinners with, see a movie or talk to on the phone.
Love,
Lenina
I also think you dodged a bullet on this guy. Does he do the gambling online? Or is it the casinos? Not that it matter much but if you would be just as alone with him in the house glued to the gambling sites on the computer.
I met my hubby by chance. Do you get out of the house much other than to IOP? Are there any book clubs in your area? As I got older, I realized that I didn't need a man for company. I was lucky enough to have a group of girlfriends to have dinners with, see a movie or talk to on the phone.
Love,
Lenina
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Katie,
you are going to throw out your treatment group and your volunteering?
Some of my habits are more easily changed with a change of venue, for example, caffeine is a no-no to me, yet married with a husband who made coffee each morning and was not able or wiling to go decaf with me...I wound up drinking caffeine again.
We have divorced, no one is makiing coffee each morning and I don't miss it at all.
I am addicted to cigarettes. No matter where I go or whom I am with....nothing is going to affect the fact that I will always make sure I have cigarettes and feed my addiction to them. And I don't know what it will take for me even to think about stopping that addiction.
you are going to throw out your treatment group and your volunteering?
Some of my habits are more easily changed with a change of venue, for example, caffeine is a no-no to me, yet married with a husband who made coffee each morning and was not able or wiling to go decaf with me...I wound up drinking caffeine again.
We have divorced, no one is makiing coffee each morning and I don't miss it at all.
I am addicted to cigarettes. No matter where I go or whom I am with....nothing is going to affect the fact that I will always make sure I have cigarettes and feed my addiction to them. And I don't know what it will take for me even to think about stopping that addiction.
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Some of my habits are more easily changed with a change of venue, for example, caffeine is a no-no to me, yet married with a husband who made coffee each morning and was not able or wiling to go decaf with me...I wound up drinking caffeine again.
We have divorced, no one is makiing coffee each morning and I don't miss it at all.
I am addicted to cigarettes. No matter where I go or whom I am with....nothing is going to affect the fact that I will always make sure I have cigarettes and feed my addiction to them. And I don't know what it will take for me even to think about stopping that addiction.
We have divorced, no one is makiing coffee each morning and I don't miss it at all.
I am addicted to cigarettes. No matter where I go or whom I am with....nothing is going to affect the fact that I will always make sure I have cigarettes and feed my addiction to them. And I don't know what it will take for me even to think about stopping that addiction.
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Katie,
I also think you dodged a bullet on this guy. Does he do the gambling online? Or is it the casinos? Not that it matter much but if you would be just as alone with him in the house glued to the gambling sites on the computer.
I met my hubby by chance. Do you get out of the house much other than to IOP? Are there any book clubs in your area? As I got older, I realized that I didn't need a man for company. I was lucky enough to have a group of girlfriends to have dinners with, see a movie or talk to on the phone.
Love,
Lenina
I also think you dodged a bullet on this guy. Does he do the gambling online? Or is it the casinos? Not that it matter much but if you would be just as alone with him in the house glued to the gambling sites on the computer.
I met my hubby by chance. Do you get out of the house much other than to IOP? Are there any book clubs in your area? As I got older, I realized that I didn't need a man for company. I was lucky enough to have a group of girlfriends to have dinners with, see a movie or talk to on the phone.
Love,
Lenina
Thanks for asking, I don't do anything other than IOP and volunteer (but not today). There are no jobs to be had here temp-wise, so lot's of time on my hands. How did you meet your husband? Those by chance meetings are the best

Katie,
I met him during a time I was very busy with work. A meeting got canceled and I end up with a free evening. I took myself to see a movie. I had some time to kill so I browsed in the bookstore next door to the movies. We just started chatting about a book, found out we had similar interests and he was waiting for the same movie!
We sat together, had pie after and he gave me his phone number. A few days later I called him regarding something we had been talking about and needing a reference.
I was totally involved in my project and literally had no time for socializing. Weeks went by and we chatted on the phone from time to time. Finally, I had a free night and we had dinner. We had so many similar interests, philosophical and political.
Believe me, I was in no mood for getting involved with any man but he was so interesting to me and we laughed a lot together. That's been almost 20 years ago! He became my best friend. We rarely spat and get along very well.
But, of course, I knew there were things about him that would never change just like I have things that will never change. We make accommodations. He's a dyed in the wool slob. I am not always easy to be around. I like alone time. He's gives me my space and respects me.
He's been very good to me over the years. He stood by me during some very bad times. Family illnesses, my own injury and been very supportive.
Love,
Lenina
I met him during a time I was very busy with work. A meeting got canceled and I end up with a free evening. I took myself to see a movie. I had some time to kill so I browsed in the bookstore next door to the movies. We just started chatting about a book, found out we had similar interests and he was waiting for the same movie!
We sat together, had pie after and he gave me his phone number. A few days later I called him regarding something we had been talking about and needing a reference.
I was totally involved in my project and literally had no time for socializing. Weeks went by and we chatted on the phone from time to time. Finally, I had a free night and we had dinner. We had so many similar interests, philosophical and political.
Believe me, I was in no mood for getting involved with any man but he was so interesting to me and we laughed a lot together. That's been almost 20 years ago! He became my best friend. We rarely spat and get along very well.
But, of course, I knew there were things about him that would never change just like I have things that will never change. We make accommodations. He's a dyed in the wool slob. I am not always easy to be around. I like alone time. He's gives me my space and respects me.
He's been very good to me over the years. He stood by me during some very bad times. Family illnesses, my own injury and been very supportive.
Love,
Lenina
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A look at things from the other side plus...
I know there is the friends and family forum, but I do want to comment on what this thing does to others, just in my humble opinion. I do know the pain of watching someone with active addition first hand, although when I looked at their addictions they always somehow seemed worse than my own. Perhaps it was because they were doing drugs other than alcohol and alcohol seems so ok as it's legal. I've never been involved with anyone with an alcohol issue per se, but I sure got an earful this a.m. regarding how my drinking affects him. Sure, he isn't perfect, but at least I deal with a person whose emotions aren't going up and down expressed in often volatile and not well thought out ways. No, that's my area when I am drinking and get angry. And to be perfectly honest, my first thought was that I knew it was coming and my second thought about a bottle of wine. At any rate, he didn't tell me to take a hike (but he still might) nor is he interested in coming to my group. I thought two things might happen if he did 1) It would give him the opportunity to express his own feelings and 2) it just might make an impact on my thick head. He says no and it's my problem. I guess he is right. Plus he is very angry at this point.
I know we do this for ourselves first, but we also do it (stop drinking) for others. I just can't seem to get the self part down and without that there are no others. I know he must be thinking right now about checking out for a while or permanently, as I had those thoughts many times myself while watching someone in the throes of active addition. I know how it is to hope maybe it's the last time; maybe he'll really get sober; maybe we can really have a healthy relationship (and this in the insanity of *my* continued drinking!) And I know how disappointing this must be to him especially considering I am going to IOP, I am taking my meds, I do see a therapist, I do see a psychiatrist. The one thing I can't seem to do is the one thing no one else can do for me and the one thing I cannot avoid or escape from - and that is just to sit with the pain that comes from not drinking.
So I guess I'd like to hear any thoughts on how our using affects others and also any ideas you might have as to just going through the pain that feels like it will never go away without a drink. Thanks.
Oops, big post to tack on but oh well
I know we do this for ourselves first, but we also do it (stop drinking) for others. I just can't seem to get the self part down and without that there are no others. I know he must be thinking right now about checking out for a while or permanently, as I had those thoughts many times myself while watching someone in the throes of active addition. I know how it is to hope maybe it's the last time; maybe he'll really get sober; maybe we can really have a healthy relationship (and this in the insanity of *my* continued drinking!) And I know how disappointing this must be to him especially considering I am going to IOP, I am taking my meds, I do see a therapist, I do see a psychiatrist. The one thing I can't seem to do is the one thing no one else can do for me and the one thing I cannot avoid or escape from - and that is just to sit with the pain that comes from not drinking.
So I guess I'd like to hear any thoughts on how our using affects others and also any ideas you might have as to just going through the pain that feels like it will never go away without a drink. Thanks.
Oops, big post to tack on but oh well

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Katie, I think if I had to just sit through the pain that comes from not drinking, I would have stayed drunk. That is why recovery is so important. With recovery, there is no pain from not drinking. For alcoholics like me, the days between quitting drinking and getting that recovery deep in my heart are very uncomfortable. Almost unbearable.
I know you are doing a lot of things for recovery. But you are also doing a lot of worrying. Maybe it's best to focus down on just the recovery. Nothing else matters. Life gets pretty simple when you only have one thing to take care of. Do that one thing to the utmost of your ability, and the other things will take care of themselves.
I know you are doing a lot of things for recovery. But you are also doing a lot of worrying. Maybe it's best to focus down on just the recovery. Nothing else matters. Life gets pretty simple when you only have one thing to take care of. Do that one thing to the utmost of your ability, and the other things will take care of themselves.
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Katie, I think if I had to just sit through the pain that comes from not drinking, I would have stayed drunk. That is why recovery is so important. With recovery, there is no pain from not drinking. For alcoholics like me, the days between quitting drinking and getting that recovery deep in my heart are very uncomfortable. Almost unbearable.
I know you are doing a lot of things for recovery. But you are also doing a lot of worrying. Maybe it's best to focus down on just the recovery. Nothing else matters. Life gets pretty simple when you only have one thing to take care of. Do that one thing to the utmost of your ability, and the other things will take care of themselves.
I know you are doing a lot of things for recovery. But you are also doing a lot of worrying. Maybe it's best to focus down on just the recovery. Nothing else matters. Life gets pretty simple when you only have one thing to take care of. Do that one thing to the utmost of your ability, and the other things will take care of themselves.
Then I was thinking about renting a place for a month in my former city just to be around water. Could help. My friend up there has been in AA for about 14 years and he'd be the person I'd be hanging out with. With any luck, he'd rub off on me.
I dunno. I'd best make no rash decisions today as that is what always seems to get me in trouble - that and alcohol. Oh well, I do have my group tonight and can bounce these ideas off of them. I am thinking the volunteering is the best bet, all things considered. I would be forced to be accountable and get the *H* outta ME! It's been somewhat hard to do these days considering I could have burned my house down (and somehow I don't think insurance would cover that


Last edited by Katie09; 05-27-2009 at 10:41 AM. Reason: change thought
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Katie, I couldn't sit with the pain that was caused *by my drinking*
It all seemed normal to me, one crisis after the other. Couldn't understand how I could be so unlucky. One thing...after another, day in and day out, here we go again... It never occurred to me that all the trouble was caused not only by *me* but as a result *of* my drinking.
Never mind your house burning down Katie, you and your animals could have died in the fire.
It all seemed normal to me, one crisis after the other. Couldn't understand how I could be so unlucky. One thing...after another, day in and day out, here we go again... It never occurred to me that all the trouble was caused not only by *me* but as a result *of* my drinking.
Never mind your house burning down Katie, you and your animals could have died in the fire.
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Forgot to add...
This was the kind of "all in a day's work" example of what normal was in my life while I was drinking.
I went to the parking garage one morning and my car was gone. I stood there staring at the space for a few minutes. Thought it had been stolen, so I went up to the conceirge and told him what I found...or didn't find. I swore up and down that I hadn't been out after 6 pm the night before and I hadn't as we found on the video tape. I had left the building around 5.30 and remembered that I had left my car at the liquor store. I totally forgot i had a car. probably a very good thing because I shouldn't have been driving to get there. I still shudder as I tell the story. Here's the point...I was relieved I figured out where it was, but it was "just another day in the life of......
This was the kind of "all in a day's work" example of what normal was in my life while I was drinking.
I went to the parking garage one morning and my car was gone. I stood there staring at the space for a few minutes. Thought it had been stolen, so I went up to the conceirge and told him what I found...or didn't find. I swore up and down that I hadn't been out after 6 pm the night before and I hadn't as we found on the video tape. I had left the building around 5.30 and remembered that I had left my car at the liquor store. I totally forgot i had a car. probably a very good thing because I shouldn't have been driving to get there. I still shudder as I tell the story. Here's the point...I was relieved I figured out where it was, but it was "just another day in the life of......
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