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How do you tell someone you can't have them in your life...

Old 05-14-2009, 10:35 PM
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How do you tell someone you can't have them in your life...

Because you have to recover, especially when that person is very important to you. I have no idea what to say. At times this person is very supportive but he can turn on a dime and then I just want to drink. I am not blaming him per se, rather his behavior is just not acceptable to me.

Anyway, it's been an interesting two nights at group where I am in treatment. Apparently we should learn how to set boundaries, but that is really tough at this point for me. Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:22 PM
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It’s been my experience, that when friendships grow distant, it’s because one person, the other or both just stop talking. They don’t return phone calls, e-mail or whatever. It seems to me that if the conversation of “here’s why I don’t like it when you do this” is happening, then there is some underlying goal of saving a relationship, be it friendship or otherwise. I would also be interested in hearing other people’s response to this.
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Freepath View Post
Itís been my experience, that when friendships grow distant, itís because one person, the other or both just stop talking. They donít return phone calls, e-mail or whatever. It seems to me that if the conversation of ďhereís why I donít like it when you do thisĒ is happening, then there is some underlying goal of saving a relationship, be it friendship or otherwise. I would also be interested in hearing other peopleís response to this.
Wow, I couldn't agree more. I confess, I do hate conflict, but still do care about saving relationships when both parties want to. I've had those other kind - the ones where someone just stops communicating and it is probably just best to let them go. Still, this is ongoing, so I'll put forth my best effort. If things get too sticky, I'll have to let it go. I look forward to any other input too!
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Old 05-15-2009, 06:17 AM
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I've had to cut some people out of my life because of their excesive drug use. It was very painful at first..but definately worth it. (I didn't officially end things.. just lost touch) However I have no problem hanging out with social drinkers or recreational users a long as hey don't try to tempt me.

I've also met some very unstable people who are totally drug free. You can't judge a book by its cover and just becaus someone is sober and nice and succesful doesnt mean they don't have major issuers of their own. I've been just as hurt by these types as by the druggie types.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:17 AM
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Maybe it would be easier on him if you told him you can't have him in your life RIGHT NOW because you have to focus on you and recovery. Maybe down the road, once you are well, you can let him back into your life.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Eroica View Post
I've had to cut some people out of my life because of their excesive drug use. It was very painful at first..but definately worth it. (I didn't officially end things.. just lost touch) However I have no problem hanging out with social drinkers or recreational users a long as hey don't try to tempt me.

I've also met some very unstable people who are totally drug free. You can't judge a book by its cover and just becaus someone is sober and nice and succesful doesnt mean they don't have major issuers of their own. I've been just as hurt by these types as by the druggie types.
You are completely right and I could not agree more with what I bolded. This is one thing I've discovered too and the idea is to protect oneself. There are bad people out there who have never had anything to do remotely with drugs or alcohol as well (I am thinking sociopaths). I've been hurt by people who are using and, believe it or not, it's easier for me to get over these things than being hurt by sober people who are supposed to have it more together.
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Old 05-15-2009, 12:46 PM
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I had a friend, Bill, whom I'd been friends with 24 yrs and when drunk we occassionally were 'friends w/benefits'. The summer before I got sober I realized that in all the years I had not once spent time with him w/o drinking not one single time and he drank as much as I did, he used to email me and just say "want to get drunk tonight?" that's how he asked me out because that is what we did. The night I tried to kill myself which ended my drinking career I apparently even went to his home (I don't remember) and left him a note. He contacted me several days later while I was still in the hospital and I told him what I had done and that I had a hole in my liver, his response was something like "well liver heal themselves easily". After I got out of the hospital he wanted to get together, at first I told him I just wasn't ready to go out. He kept emailing me every couple of weeks asking if I wanted to go out, I finally sent him an email and told him that I could not have him in my life anymore, that I had realized that he and I had never spent time together w/o drinking and that there was no relationship w/o alcohol and I did not want anything to do with alcohol. He expressed hurt and that he thought we were more than "drinking buddies" but that is all we were. I also don't want reminders in my life of what a drunken sl*t I was I want positive reinforcement I want to move forward in life not back.
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Old 05-15-2009, 03:31 PM
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I think early on the most important thing period is to learn to live without drinking or using. Now of course there are other issues such as relationships and living issues that are part of this. The thing we have to worry about is being careful to start focusing on other issues which are not nearly so important as making it a day at a time without drinking or using. After being clean and sober for a while things begin to become clearer to us.
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