Originally Posted by doorknob

Hey Zen, yeah, I think I've been heard fine.

I've heard lots of ideas and have much to think about. I have a week to make up my mind as to what I want to do (for my therapist). I have a hard time relating to the folks who's alcohol addiction has been really severe, because most of the time I drink just enough to catch a buzz. And I could probably go on for years without ever becoming severely physically addicted, etc. But the thing is, I do get obsessed with having that buzz everyday, and the longer I keep it up, the harder it is to break the habit again. If I have pot, I can leave alcohol alone for the most part, but that become habitual as well. I seem to be habitual about everything I do, for better or worse, this forum included. So, the ambivalence is whether I want to live my live slightly medicated much of the time or face the world straight. And of course, I know which is the healthier choice, and I had a 4 1/2 month taste of it. The CBA is probably a good idea, and part of my therapists assignment. I hope that makes sense to somebody, lol...

Originally Posted by AnthonyV

I was first involved with AA when I was sent into treatment shortly after college in 1992 at age 24. I drank heavily then, but not daily and probably wasn't an alcoholic. I spent 28 days in a treatment center that convinced me I have no control over having the second drink if I drank the first drink, despite the fact that many times prior to checking into that treatment center I would have just one or two, but other times would have six, eight or ten. I walked out of that AA based treatment center convinced that if I had just one, I would have no control and would be on a bender to end all benders.

I was sober and going to meetings for a solid six months until I did the unthinkable and changed my environment and started a relationship with the love of my life. The implanted voices and the people in my group told me I would fail because I wasn't supposed to start a new relationship for a minimum of a year. But my heart and soul told me I needed to be with Robert so I moved from Michigan to Wisconsin to start our new life. I'm glad I did, because he needed me as he was dying of AIDS, we just didn't know it at the time as we were dumb 20-somethings, but fate would catch up with us later. I held his hand when he took his last breath. But I did start drinking again. I started smoking pot first, then a few beers. But I didn't go on the benders I was promised. After Robert died, I did go on the drinking benders. I drank until I passed out. Every day. I wanted so badly to kill myself, but I didn't have the courage so I drank to at least kill the me inside of me because I hated feeling cheated that the person I loved most in the world was taken away, and he was only 28 when he died.

Eventually I found my way back to AA and convinced myself my drinking patterns were the result of my disease progressing, not the result of extraordinary grief and depression. I wandered back and forth to the rooms for several more years and worked the steps like in a sincere effort. But somewhere I realized it doesn't make sense, it seemed like psycho-babble hocus-pokus and seemed to illogical much like the Catholic faith I had long walked away from previously.

I know, sincerely in my heart, that for some people AA works. I don't want to bash AA as I may one day needed it again, just like someday I may go back to church. But it's not because I believe in the dogma of AA or the dogma of church, but I believe in the strength of community. Of all the things I miss, it's the community of AA and the community of church. Once I can resolve the conflict I feel with the "rules" and "regulations" of those institutions and to truly take what I need and leave the rest, I just might return. I just may need the AA community again, even if I don't need the steps.

Doorknob, I lurk here more than I post, but you are truly one of my favorite members of this forum. When I see that you have posted something, I am more than likely going to click to read what you have written. I identify with your struggle, I am a 42 year old man on a similar path and I am thankful that you share your struggle. I wish you the best, most importantly I wish you happiness.

Peace!

Originally Posted by jimhere

Paul,
If I may, I'd like to respectfully pose a consideration. Based on what you say, could it be that you are not alcoholic? Don't let anyone tell you what you are, be honest with yourself.
Jim

Originally Posted by Katie09

Paul, you are welcome on my doorstep anytime