Torn
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
My journey to sobriety started four or so years ago. For most of that time I was right where Doorknob is now— torn. I didn't know if I wanted sobriety or moderation. I tried giving up alcohol. Then I would try drinking. Then back to no drinking. Trying limited drinking. Etc.
The thing is during all this time I knew I had an adverse, not normal relationship with alcohol. Also, I knew during this whole time that I wanted a different relationship than I had with alcohol and that no matter what that was going to be moderation or sobriety it was a struggle. I think that anyone who ends up at SoberRecovery.com comes here for a reason and as long as they are abiding by the rules of the site and posting they should be more than welcome. I especially think it is helpful for when you are unsure. If I had come to this site and read peoples' stories and experiences then I do think that my resolution to get sober and stay sober would have happened sooner.
As for DK, I would like to voice my vote for sobriety as well but if you are anything like me it probably won't do much good. I wouldn't have listened to much advice. I had to figure it out for myself. I am just about to hit 7 months sober and it is only in the last couple of weeks that it has really settled in. Finally, I am feeling content and "normal" being sober. I read about the "fun" nights out drinking and they sound like hell where as before I would have felt like I was truly missing out. It really is surprising how much you can change and how amazing I am finally beginning to feel.
The thing is during all this time I knew I had an adverse, not normal relationship with alcohol. Also, I knew during this whole time that I wanted a different relationship than I had with alcohol and that no matter what that was going to be moderation or sobriety it was a struggle. I think that anyone who ends up at SoberRecovery.com comes here for a reason and as long as they are abiding by the rules of the site and posting they should be more than welcome. I especially think it is helpful for when you are unsure. If I had come to this site and read peoples' stories and experiences then I do think that my resolution to get sober and stay sober would have happened sooner.
As for DK, I would like to voice my vote for sobriety as well but if you are anything like me it probably won't do much good. I wouldn't have listened to much advice. I had to figure it out for myself. I am just about to hit 7 months sober and it is only in the last couple of weeks that it has really settled in. Finally, I am feeling content and "normal" being sober. I read about the "fun" nights out drinking and they sound like hell where as before I would have felt like I was truly missing out. It really is surprising how much you can change and how amazing I am finally beginning to feel.
Knucklehead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by SelfSeeking 
Dude... I hope you're partying on your own dime. And not your SSI/SSDI.
Knucklehead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by coffeenut
I have a feeling there is more going on than you're sharing with us...and you're drinking/smoking instead of dealing with it.
I'm a pretty open person, even f2f. I tell people what I am feeling, what I think and believe, and what my experiences are, whether I think they will be accepting of it or not.
Last edited by doorknob; 04-24-2009 at 11:22 PM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Personally I agreed with the sentiment of Donna's post, if a person has no interest in recovery, they have no place on a recovery board...I just thought it was unnecessary to say it because Paul is just "torn", like we have all been at one time or another....he was honest about saying it and I think that is a good thing.
Even though everything tells me I cannot drink, I still sometimes want to and wish I wasn't an alkie, I still struggle with denial sometimes...it seems like that is what Paul is going through.
Change is hard, I spent every day off my head in some way or another for 24 years and that is a hard habit to break...but today I have been sober for 45 days and am happy to be sober, no struggling, no denial. Knowing you can't drink and being happy not drinking are two very different things but when you get both together life gets easier.
I sort of lost my point, lol. I will just press "post" anyway.
Even though everything tells me I cannot drink, I still sometimes want to and wish I wasn't an alkie, I still struggle with denial sometimes...it seems like that is what Paul is going through.
Change is hard, I spent every day off my head in some way or another for 24 years and that is a hard habit to break...but today I have been sober for 45 days and am happy to be sober, no struggling, no denial. Knowing you can't drink and being happy not drinking are two very different things but when you get both together life gets easier.
I sort of lost my point, lol. I will just press "post" anyway.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Originally Posted by sfgirl
As for DK, I would like to voice my vote for sobriety as well but if you are anything like me it probably won't do much good. I wouldn't have listened to much advice. I had to figure it out for myself.
Basically I am happy to joke and talk and be friends until the person gets there, I assume if they are here then they obviously have some interest in recovery. I don't consider that being a cheerleader or backslapper and I will call them out on their BS from time to time, lol.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by stone
I don't consider that being a cheerleader or backslapper and I will call them out on their BS from time to time, lol.
I don't look good in a skirt and I lost my pom poms.
DK, you know you can PM me any time. I hope you can find what you're looking for.
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Hmm. I had a great night last night. Went out to a restaurant. Had a drink. When the waitress offered another I said no thanks. I know I don't dare drink more than that. It chilled me out after a long week.
I didn't want meth (40-something days off that, and doing great. I was offered some last weekend and said no thanks, and I didn't have that little wistful well-maybe-just-once I normally get. I know I'm done with it), and I didn't feel like I needed to drink more. I also felt just fine when I woke up this morning.
So maybe I'm in DK's boat. I seem to have put meth behind me, and it seems I could possibly have a drink and be fine with it. I just worry that, knowing how my brain works, if I break my own rule and have one, what's to keep me from breaking the new rule and have two instead? And if I'm fine with two, why not have a third? So I guess I'd better stay off the booze.
I didn't want meth (40-something days off that, and doing great. I was offered some last weekend and said no thanks, and I didn't have that little wistful well-maybe-just-once I normally get. I know I'm done with it), and I didn't feel like I needed to drink more. I also felt just fine when I woke up this morning.
So maybe I'm in DK's boat. I seem to have put meth behind me, and it seems I could possibly have a drink and be fine with it. I just worry that, knowing how my brain works, if I break my own rule and have one, what's to keep me from breaking the new rule and have two instead? And if I'm fine with two, why not have a third? So I guess I'd better stay off the booze.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by Dee74
Well it will come as no surprise to anyone here I'm on the hardarse team.
I'm not directing my post at anyone. Paul entitled his thread Torn so I'm guessing he is LOL
If anyone wants to sober and they're really trying to be, then I'll back their right to be here to the hilt. They can relapse 8 times a week and I'll still back them. I was there once - I wanted it but couldn't get it.
but if they're just here to hang out when the bars are shut...
I have no problem with what Donna said. Those of you who did might want to take a deep breath and read it again.
This is a recovery website, not a chat room. We owe it to each other to be honest.
DK you have to decide which team you're on, man.
D
I'm not directing my post at anyone. Paul entitled his thread Torn so I'm guessing he is LOL
If anyone wants to sober and they're really trying to be, then I'll back their right to be here to the hilt. They can relapse 8 times a week and I'll still back them. I was there once - I wanted it but couldn't get it.
but if they're just here to hang out when the bars are shut...
I have no problem with what Donna said. Those of you who did might want to take a deep breath and read it again.
This is a recovery website, not a chat room. We owe it to each other to be honest.
DK you have to decide which team you're on, man.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
Well, if you're not alcoholics, you're not alcoholics. That's ok. In fact that's great. I can play slot machines once in a blue moon or buy a lotto ticket, what have you, and not gamble away my rent money or end up pawning my engagement ring. I'm not a gambling addict. I have a beer, sh!t, who knows where it ends. *shrugs* It's not like either of you are into NA or AA, or under the supervision of the courts, so your sobriety can be whatever you make of it. Life is hard enough without adding something unreal to worry about.
I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem. Or perhaps it would be most helpful if you didn't post about the substances that aren't a problem for you. Like, post about how you're doing in your progress beating your meth/marijuana addictions. No need, really, to say how pleasant and consequence-free your evening of social drinking was. I just don't get why you're on SR with that kind of talk.
That's ok. In fact that's great. I can play slot machines once in a blue moon or buy a lotto ticket, what have you, and not gamble away my rent money or end up pawning my engagement ring. I'm not a gambling addict. I have a beer, sh!t, who knows where it ends. *shrugs* It's not like either of you are into NA or AA, or under the supervision of the courts, so your sobriety can be whatever you make of it. Life is hard enough without adding something unreal to worry about.I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem. Or perhaps it would be most helpful if you didn't post about the substances that aren't a problem for you. Like, post about how you're doing in your progress beating your meth/marijuana addictions. No need, really, to say how pleasant and consequence-free your evening of social drinking was. I just don't get why you're on SR with that kind of talk.
Knucklehead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by LosingmyMisery
I do know that alcohol has been kicking your butt ever since you've joined SR. You are set on your beliefs and do not waiver. However, alcohol keeps winning. Maybe it is time to reevaluate and rethink. It is easy to get angry at the comments. It is easy to rely on sarcasm and get defensive. I know, I did it many times when trying to defend and down play my drinking behaviors. This is real and we watch the same thing happening over and over again. The progression is real. It isn't imagined. Please believe it and I hope you become as afraid for yourself as I am for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by SelfSeeking
Well, if you're not alcoholics, you're not alcoholics. That's ok. In fact that's great. I can play slot machines once in a blue moon or buy a lotto ticket, what have you, and not gamble away my rent money or end up pawning my engagement ring. I'm not a gambling addict. I have a beer, sh!t, who knows where it ends. *shrugs* It's not like either of you are into NA or AA, or under the supervision of the courts, so your sobriety can be whatever you make of it. Life is hard enough without adding something unreal to worry about.
I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem. Or perhaps it would be most helpful if you didn't post about the substances that aren't a problem for you. Like, post about how you're doing in your progress beating your meth/marijuana addictions. No need, really, to say how pleasant and consequence-free your evening of social drinking was. I just don't get why you're on SR with that kind of talk.
That's ok. In fact that's great. I can play slot machines once in a blue moon or buy a lotto ticket, what have you, and not gamble away my rent money or end up pawning my engagement ring. I'm not a gambling addict. I have a beer, sh!t, who knows where it ends. *shrugs* It's not like either of you are into NA or AA, or under the supervision of the courts, so your sobriety can be whatever you make of it. Life is hard enough without adding something unreal to worry about.I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem. Or perhaps it would be most helpful if you didn't post about the substances that aren't a problem for you. Like, post about how you're doing in your progress beating your meth/marijuana addictions. No need, really, to say how pleasant and consequence-free your evening of social drinking was. I just don't get why you're on SR with that kind of talk.
Like I said, to whom it MIGHT imply, get off your high horse.
Paul, keep coming back because it works if you work it and you know you are worth it. Now, where is the vomit icon?
Knucklehead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by SelfSeeking
I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Look, Paul, I am sorry I am angry and if I have in any way contributed to anything negative. I am just tired of a few people with X days or X months or even X years judging other people, especially when I've been acquainted with someone who was a guru in AA, who will not even go there any longer. I want you to feel safe posting where you are at. This IS a journey, not a destination. Addiction IS powerful for a reason and NO ONE has the right to sit in judgment of someone else. So, I bring my own anger to the table, which has NOTHING you brought about in me. Hugs, Katie.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
LOL, the thread has been a bit weird, seems people are very opinionated at SR lately.
Paul, I still think it is good that you were honest about how you felt and I still think feeling "torn" is normal....and I still think it would be best if you could decide what you want....the AAers are right, alcohol will make your mind up for you eventually (if you is akaholic, lol) so it would be better to deal with it sooner rather than later, for your sake.
Paul, I still think it is good that you were honest about how you felt and I still think feeling "torn" is normal....and I still think it would be best if you could decide what you want....the AAers are right, alcohol will make your mind up for you eventually (if you is akaholic, lol) so it would be better to deal with it sooner rather than later, for your sake.
Knucklehead
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by stone
the AAers are right, alcohol will make your mind up for you eventually (if you is akaholic, lol) so it would be better to deal with it sooner rather than later, for your sake.
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