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Old 04-24-2009, 09:35 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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My journey to sobriety started four or so years ago. For most of that time I was right where Doorknob is now— torn. I didn't know if I wanted sobriety or moderation. I tried giving up alcohol. Then I would try drinking. Then back to no drinking. Trying limited drinking. Etc.

The thing is during all this time I knew I had an adverse, not normal relationship with alcohol. Also, I knew during this whole time that I wanted a different relationship than I had with alcohol and that no matter what that was going to be moderation or sobriety it was a struggle. I think that anyone who ends up at SoberRecovery.com comes here for a reason and as long as they are abiding by the rules of the site and posting they should be more than welcome. I especially think it is helpful for when you are unsure. If I had come to this site and read peoples' stories and experiences then I do think that my resolution to get sober and stay sober would have happened sooner.

As for DK, I would like to voice my vote for sobriety as well but if you are anything like me it probably won't do much good. I wouldn't have listened to much advice. I had to figure it out for myself. I am just about to hit 7 months sober and it is only in the last couple of weeks that it has really settled in. Finally, I am feeling content and "normal" being sober. I read about the "fun" nights out drinking and they sound like hell where as before I would have felt like I was truly missing out. It really is surprising how much you can change and how amazing I am finally beginning to feel.
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Old 04-24-2009, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by SelfSeeking View Post
Dude... I hope you're partying on your own dime. And not your SSI/SSDI.
I never got on SSDI, only general assistance and that doesn't cover much. I hustle my a$$ off on eBay for extra cash.
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Old 04-24-2009, 11:05 PM
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Originally Posted by coffeenut View Post
I have a feeling there is more going on than you're sharing with us...and you're drinking/smoking instead of dealing with it.
Not really, my situation has been the same as it's been for a while. I'm living in a small town that's a pretty good commute to where work is and have an old car that isn't too reliable. I'm in a relationship with someone who has PTSD and tremendous baggage and who's frustrations and insecurities are often taken out on me, verbally and sometimes physically. SSDD.

I'm a pretty open person, even f2f. I tell people what I am feeling, what I think and believe, and what my experiences are, whether I think they will be accepting of it or not.

Last edited by doorknob; 04-24-2009 at 11:22 PM.
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:09 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Personally I agreed with the sentiment of Donna's post, if a person has no interest in recovery, they have no place on a recovery board...I just thought it was unnecessary to say it because Paul is just "torn", like we have all been at one time or another....he was honest about saying it and I think that is a good thing.
Even though everything tells me I cannot drink, I still sometimes want to and wish I wasn't an alkie, I still struggle with denial sometimes...it seems like that is what Paul is going through.
Change is hard, I spent every day off my head in some way or another for 24 years and that is a hard habit to break...but today I have been sober for 45 days and am happy to be sober, no struggling, no denial. Knowing you can't drink and being happy not drinking are two very different things but when you get both together life gets easier.

I sort of lost my point, lol. I will just press "post" anyway.
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:34 AM
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Originally Posted by sfgirl View Post
As for DK, I would like to voice my vote for sobriety as well but if you are anything like me it probably won't do much good. I wouldn't have listened to much advice. I had to figure it out for myself.
This is true, we can offer support and encouragement or even play the hard-ass, but we really don't make much difference until the person in question figures it out for themselves.

Basically I am happy to joke and talk and be friends until the person gets there, I assume if they are here then they obviously have some interest in recovery. I don't consider that being a cheerleader or backslapper and I will call them out on their BS from time to time, lol.
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Old 04-25-2009, 05:43 AM
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Originally Posted by stone View Post
I don't consider that being a cheerleader or backslapper and I will call them out on their BS from time to time, lol.



I don't look good in a skirt and I lost my pom poms.



DK, you know you can PM me any time. I hope you can find what you're looking for.
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Old 04-25-2009, 06:32 AM
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DK, is you a akaholic?
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Old 04-25-2009, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by windysan View Post
DK, is you a akaholic?
I dunno, Windy. I definitely have addictive issues with alcohol.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:02 AM
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Hmm. I had a great night last night. Went out to a restaurant. Had a drink. When the waitress offered another I said no thanks. I know I don't dare drink more than that. It chilled me out after a long week.

I didn't want meth (40-something days off that, and doing great. I was offered some last weekend and said no thanks, and I didn't have that little wistful well-maybe-just-once I normally get. I know I'm done with it), and I didn't feel like I needed to drink more. I also felt just fine when I woke up this morning.

So maybe I'm in DK's boat. I seem to have put meth behind me, and it seems I could possibly have a drink and be fine with it. I just worry that, knowing how my brain works, if I break my own rule and have one, what's to keep me from breaking the new rule and have two instead? And if I'm fine with two, why not have a third? So I guess I'd better stay off the booze.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Well it will come as no surprise to anyone here I'm on the hardarse team.

I'm not directing my post at anyone. Paul entitled his thread Torn so I'm guessing he is LOL

If anyone wants to sober and they're really trying to be, then I'll back their right to be here to the hilt. They can relapse 8 times a week and I'll still back them. I was there once - I wanted it but couldn't get it.

but if they're just here to hang out when the bars are shut...

I have no problem with what Donna said. Those of you who did might want to take a deep breath and read it again.

This is a recovery website, not a chat room. We owe it to each other to be honest.

DK you have to decide which team you're on, man.

D
Torn is ok, because we're all torn, because we are addicts, after all. I am torn plenty in my life, which has nothing to do with drinking, rather, the human condition. Hell, I am torn each day and this has nothing to do with drinking - rather where I live - and a LOT of people would kill to live where I do.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:28 AM
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Well, if you're not alcoholics, you're not alcoholics. That's ok. In fact that's great. I can play slot machines once in a blue moon or buy a lotto ticket, what have you, and not gamble away my rent money or end up pawning my engagement ring. I'm not a gambling addict. I have a beer, sh!t, who knows where it ends. *shrugs* It's not like either of you are into NA or AA, or under the supervision of the courts, so your sobriety can be whatever you make of it. Life is hard enough without adding something unreal to worry about.

I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem. Or perhaps it would be most helpful if you didn't post about the substances that aren't a problem for you. Like, post about how you're doing in your progress beating your meth/marijuana addictions. No need, really, to say how pleasant and consequence-free your evening of social drinking was. I just don't get why you're on SR with that kind of talk.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by LosingmyMisery View Post
I do know that alcohol has been kicking your butt ever since you've joined SR. You are set on your beliefs and do not waiver. However, alcohol keeps winning. Maybe it is time to reevaluate and rethink. It is easy to get angry at the comments. It is easy to rely on sarcasm and get defensive. I know, I did it many times when trying to defend and down play my drinking behaviors. This is real and we watch the same thing happening over and over again. The progression is real. It isn't imagined. Please believe it and I hope you become as afraid for yourself as I am for you.
I don't feel I've been defensive, only honest about my conflicting feelings regarding substance use, with the exeption of this post, lol... and I don't think I've been sarcastic on this thread, although I love sarcasm. Life has been kicking my ass for a long time (I suck at it) and alcohol is only one part of that.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SelfSeeking View Post
Well, if you're not alcoholics, you're not alcoholics. That's ok. In fact that's great. I can play slot machines once in a blue moon or buy a lotto ticket, what have you, and not gamble away my rent money or end up pawning my engagement ring. I'm not a gambling addict. I have a beer, sh!t, who knows where it ends. *shrugs* It's not like either of you are into NA or AA, or under the supervision of the courts, so your sobriety can be whatever you make of it. Life is hard enough without adding something unreal to worry about.

I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem. Or perhaps it would be most helpful if you didn't post about the substances that aren't a problem for you. Like, post about how you're doing in your progress beating your meth/marijuana addictions. No need, really, to say how pleasant and consequence-free your evening of social drinking was. I just don't get why you're on SR with that kind of talk.
I am so sorry you are so insecure you cannot tolerate reading another's reality. I have no gambling issue, yet addictions are addictions, in spite of whatever form they take.

Like I said, to whom it MIGHT imply, get off your high horse.

Paul, keep coming back because it works if you work it and you know you are worth it. Now, where is the vomit icon?
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:43 AM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SelfSeeking View Post
I would say, though, that I don't get why you would feel the need to be on this forum if it's really not a problem.
I never claimed that my drinking wasn't a problem. It is and has been a problem, although there were times in my life that it was much more acute. I know that I am better off not touching it. The same holds true for THC to a somewhat lesser degree.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:50 AM
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Support is one thing, enabling is another... I'm out.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:56 AM
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I'm sorry I started this thread... Alera, do you have a padlock handy?

Please and thank you.
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Old 04-25-2009, 09:06 AM
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Look, Paul, I am sorry I am angry and if I have in any way contributed to anything negative. I am just tired of a few people with X days or X months or even X years judging other people, especially when I've been acquainted with someone who was a guru in AA, who will not even go there any longer. I want you to feel safe posting where you are at. This IS a journey, not a destination. Addiction IS powerful for a reason and NO ONE has the right to sit in judgment of someone else. So, I bring my own anger to the table, which has NOTHING you brought about in me. Hugs, Katie.
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Old 04-25-2009, 09:11 AM
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LOL, the thread has been a bit weird, seems people are very opinionated at SR lately.

Paul, I still think it is good that you were honest about how you felt and I still think feeling "torn" is normal....and I still think it would be best if you could decide what you want....the AAers are right, alcohol will make your mind up for you eventually (if you is akaholic, lol) so it would be better to deal with it sooner rather than later, for your sake.
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Old 04-25-2009, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by stone View Post
the AAers are right, alcohol will make your mind up for you eventually (if you is akaholic, lol) so it would be better to deal with it sooner rather than later, for your sake.
I'm not familiar with them.
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Old 04-25-2009, 11:06 AM
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I've been involved with AA for 32 years. What I find to be of value is love, patience, and understanding - not all that other BS.
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