Have you found in sobriety you need to clean house?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Have you found in sobriety you need to clean house?
I'm not talking about a house literally. I am talking about leaving friendships behind. Just today, I've been accused of being a liar, been reamed (sp?) by someone in AA and blown off by some guy. I am NOT having a good day.
I am done being a doormat. I am done apologizing when my feelings are valid. I am done researching cell phone records as if I'm insane, because someone else says we talked on that day and, of course, I must have my facts straight, and detailed cell phone usage and received and sent emails don't lie. OMG, I am OCD and cannot believe I go to these lengths. I have a right to be respected and treated with courtesy, as I know there are people out there who will do so.
My friends just left this a.m. They said they were treated like royalty and that this place was like a resort. Sure, I knocked myself out, but it's all good. This is who I am when on the right meds and not drinking.
At any rate, my question is about having to clean house and your experiences? Thanks in advance.
I am done being a doormat. I am done apologizing when my feelings are valid. I am done researching cell phone records as if I'm insane, because someone else says we talked on that day and, of course, I must have my facts straight, and detailed cell phone usage and received and sent emails don't lie. OMG, I am OCD and cannot believe I go to these lengths. I have a right to be respected and treated with courtesy, as I know there are people out there who will do so.
My friends just left this a.m. They said they were treated like royalty and that this place was like a resort. Sure, I knocked myself out, but it's all good. This is who I am when on the right meds and not drinking.
At any rate, my question is about having to clean house and your experiences? Thanks in advance.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
I love this reading and post it often.........
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hello, Katie.
I sort of cleaned house by moving away from a college party town 2 years ago.
I really don't have any friends right now...I've been pretty isolated here. I've noticed that all of the people I'm interested in hanging around use booze, drugs...whatever. I know it's not a good idea for me to be around it, so when people offer I have to say no.
Being alone sucks. I hope it gets better soon. I wish I could find some cool non-addicted people to hang with. Take it easy.
I sort of cleaned house by moving away from a college party town 2 years ago.
I really don't have any friends right now...I've been pretty isolated here. I've noticed that all of the people I'm interested in hanging around use booze, drugs...whatever. I know it's not a good idea for me to be around it, so when people offer I have to say no.
Being alone sucks. I hope it gets better soon. I wish I could find some cool non-addicted people to hang with. Take it easy.
Up from the ashes
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 213
I essentially lost my best friend. I have been on and off of the wagon several times in my life. The reason for this is that even if I lapse, I realize that drinking is stupid.
Drinking stresses me out, makes me angry, and makes me fat. I lose sleep, I feel tense, I look old, I feel old, and every time I think I can get away with one glass of wine with dinner, I end up drinking every day for months and even years on end. I lose control of my life, I lose control of my emotions, and I can’t remember anything. People look at me like I am an idiot when I am drinking probably because I AM an idiot when I am drinking.
Drinking is stupid.
So I have stopped multiple times, and now, I never want to drink again. Maybe I had to go through all of these empty promises to myself that I could handle moderation. That somehow, with enough will power, I could dabble in the stuff that seems to screw my life up every time I get near it. The question of moderation is no longer an issue. I don’t want to drink because it’s stupid.
Now, I had a friend who I loved like a brother, but when we met, we were both into drugs and alcohol. I managed to get clean from drugs probably fifteen years ago (I’ve slipped a couple of times with pot.) When I got off of the drugs, I kept drinking, and alcohol became my drug of choice. I hope there are people out there who are paying attention to this, because I’m not so sure that it’s okay to give up drugs only to take up alcohol. You’re really not solving anything by doing this, in my opinion.
This is the last time I will quit. I will never quit again because I will never start again. It is the culmination of multiple attempts to quit.
When I have tried to explain this perspective to my friend, he responds with statements to the effect that drinking is not that bad, that just a few drinks won’t hurt anything, that his life is filled with misfortune for other reasons, the luck of the draw…stuff like that.
The funny thing is that we would sit around drinking talking about how messed up our lives were and never seemed to put it together.
I finally realized that he is never going to quit drinking, and if I don’t want to die young, I had better quit drinking. This was simply a friendship that had run it’s course.
Sad but true.
Drinking stresses me out, makes me angry, and makes me fat. I lose sleep, I feel tense, I look old, I feel old, and every time I think I can get away with one glass of wine with dinner, I end up drinking every day for months and even years on end. I lose control of my life, I lose control of my emotions, and I can’t remember anything. People look at me like I am an idiot when I am drinking probably because I AM an idiot when I am drinking.
Drinking is stupid.
So I have stopped multiple times, and now, I never want to drink again. Maybe I had to go through all of these empty promises to myself that I could handle moderation. That somehow, with enough will power, I could dabble in the stuff that seems to screw my life up every time I get near it. The question of moderation is no longer an issue. I don’t want to drink because it’s stupid.
Now, I had a friend who I loved like a brother, but when we met, we were both into drugs and alcohol. I managed to get clean from drugs probably fifteen years ago (I’ve slipped a couple of times with pot.) When I got off of the drugs, I kept drinking, and alcohol became my drug of choice. I hope there are people out there who are paying attention to this, because I’m not so sure that it’s okay to give up drugs only to take up alcohol. You’re really not solving anything by doing this, in my opinion.
This is the last time I will quit. I will never quit again because I will never start again. It is the culmination of multiple attempts to quit.
When I have tried to explain this perspective to my friend, he responds with statements to the effect that drinking is not that bad, that just a few drinks won’t hurt anything, that his life is filled with misfortune for other reasons, the luck of the draw…stuff like that.
The funny thing is that we would sit around drinking talking about how messed up our lives were and never seemed to put it together.
I finally realized that he is never going to quit drinking, and if I don’t want to die young, I had better quit drinking. This was simply a friendship that had run it’s course.
Sad but true.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Thank you all for your responses. At this point in my life, I am NOT going to win any popularity contests. Nonetheless, I won't be a doormat any longer. Yes, drinking is stupid, Freepath. So true. I sent off some emails today in defense of ME, but I should not have to do so. Oh well. All in good time I will learn what to do and not do.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I love that one too astro! I am cantankerous and old at 42, I kicked the last of the goof balls out of my life years ago. I still have lots of addicts in my life, but they are all people I love, so I just adjust and/or set boundaries when needed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: France
Posts: 783
I don't think anyone can be happy if they are not surrounded by the world they need. I avoid everything I don't like. If I can't avoid it, I sit through it and shut my mouth until it's over, then I go out of my way to avoid it again. On that level my "house" is clean.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Yes, I did it about 18 mos ago. Funny thing is, none of those people were people who drink (my friends who drink do so responsibly) they are all just people who gossip, cheat, etc. I don't want any of that around me anymore. Anyone who has self-made drama is gone! It feels wonderful.
There is nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with positive people who share your values in life. Nothing!
There is nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with positive people who share your values in life. Nothing!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I think it is definetly important and imperative to clean house! I had 1 "friend" whom I'd been drinking buddies with for 23 years that I cut off contact with, he kept emailing me wanting to get together and he knew I'd quit drinking. I emailed him and explained to him that I felt for a successful recovery I needed to cut off relationships with any and all my drinking buddies, I had realized before I quit drinking that in all those years I'd known him we had not one single time spent time together w/o getting drunk, not once! He would email me and say "want to get drunk tonight". The only people I socialized with were people I drank with and I ended all of those relationships as well. I have made some new casual friends in my neighborhood but I haven't socialized really since I got sober 9-1-07 but I'm happier with my lonely sober life than I ever was drunk and eventually I believe I will be comfortable socializing sober I'm not in any hurry though.
Judy
Judy
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