Vivid, :ghug
At least you are thinking about this, that is GOOD. Some people just go through life and don't even ask these kind of questions, then they die. I've asked myself those questions so many times and sometimes when I least expect it an answer shows up, not necessarily anything major but I just find reasons and you will. From our chats I've seen a young woman with a lot of passion and that will lead you in the right direction when the time is right just follow your heart.

hmmmkay....

Seriously....I don't get it. Huzzy wants S. I tell huzzy this is how you treat me to obtain S. He says oh its not fair, why should I have to work at it. I explain look I dont make the rules I am just living my life and this is how it works. I mean seriously god forbid I ask him to put some freakin effort into the way he treats me...god forbid I want him to treat me as if he thinks I am special as if I am the woman out of all women that he chose to marry. I mean what the hE11 could I be thinking.... ( sorry bout the god stuff...maybe I should have said mother nature forbid!! lol)

This is a major hurdle for us...has been an issue I don't know how many times ....and of course it didn't stop once I got sober. I will not relent on this. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I went a long time without it and I simply wont anymore. Its not a game...its just how the world works, I didn't make it this way, I even think its a little convoluted but...I cant change the facts. Men and women ARE different. It really took my feminist mind along time to come to accept this but it simply is the truth.

Take care of YOU.

RIP Uncle Harry
 

Uncle Harry lived with my dad and I for about 3 years when I was a teenager. Although he wasnt always the best influence he loved and watched over me as if I was his. When I was 15-16 and didn't have my license yet my dad would sometimes let me drive to the store. Uncle Harry would say he needed cigs so that I could ask dad if I could drive him. (Unlce Harry never drove) Of course some times he would let me "sneak" cigs from him. I always felt safe and secure with my dad and uncle in the house. After he moved out I saw him maybe once a year for a few years but that dwindled to maybe once every 3-5 years as I got older. The last time I saw him he was in town and had a heart problem so I went to see him in the hospital. I offered to give him a ride home, which is about 4 hours from here. I cant remember why but I backed out. I wish I hadnt. That was the last time I saw him. Dad just called to say that he has been in a coma for 5 days and they are taking him off the machines. Its hard to believe. I love my Uncle Harry snd I will miss him like I have missed him for a while but this time there wont be any reunion, I hope that he rests in peace.

So...

tonight I went to a bachelorette party. It was pretty uncomfortable for me to be around such a large group of women that I dont know. I stayed for a while though and managed my way through it. Then when I got home, emotional over load.

Im not sure where this stuff is coming from but I wonder if anyone has had anything similar happen. I just felt like all these woman have their shite together. They know where they are going, how to get there and the big one is that they know who they are. I felt like I was 5 years old hanging out with a bunch of grownups. I also realized that I was feeling not special. I was plain, boring, old and partially broken and not to mention fat. I mean yeah sure we are all on our own journey and maybe I shouldn't be comparing. But I feel like a wreck...and it feels like this is gonna get deeper tonight...and I am scared, and tired, and sad.

any experience or kind words would be appreciated. Thanks

I have definitely felt this way. I recall being 4 years out of high school and reconnecting with a friend who had just graduated college and gotten a salaried position doing something pretty damn respectable. I felt like a big failure.

Then I got to thinking about it. I wouldn't even want to do what he's doing, and I actually liked my job at the time, even if it paid hourly, was entry-level, and didn't sound sophisticated when I talked about it. Actually, I rather liked that it wasn't sophisticated. I found all sorts of things that I loved about being blue-collar.

I thought about what I'd missed out on by not going to college. The main thing that came to mind was knowledge. That's when I decided that I could learn about anything I wanted to; I don't need to be enrolled in a class to assimilate information.

But, I'm the sort who enjoys being as unique as possible, and rejecting the accepted definitions of success. I relish the freedom I feel in not having some huge, long-term plan for my life.

I'd say this is at the heart of your issue. I've become very aware of who I am, and I'm quite proud to be me. Perhaps that's the reason I lack a covetous inclination.

I don't know you, so I can't offer kind words, as such, but it pains me to hear you talk this way about yourself. I hope you discover what it is about you that gives your existence value; I believe you will find it if you truly want to.

My hope for everyone is that they reject the desire to be coveted.

I tend to get emotional overload whenever I am with a group of people, sometimes with just 1 other person which is partially why I spend so much time alone. Just because someone seems like they "have it all together" doesn't mean that they do, they may just be better actors. I used to often wish i had what others seem to have and as a result I spent 30 years very unhappy now I accept me for who I am. Now when I start seeing people that say seem to have a happy marriage I no longer envy them I just remind myself that all I am seeing is whats on the surface they could have and likely do have tons of issues underneath. Trust in yourself, you are on a journey to discover the beauty within yourself don't be distracted. ******{HUG}}}}

VS :ghug3

I feel the same way when I look at families where the couple seems to genuinely love each other. I was pretty young when I got married, and through the years, she got fat, I got drunk, a lot of the drug addictions that we both had when we met, I had given up. It just seems like when two young people get married and they really care about themselves, and they really care about each other, the whole relationship gets better and better. That wasn’t the way it worked with my ex and I, and we are both to blame.

I have been sober and drunk, and like a lot of people on this board it seems, I’ve gone years without drink followed by years of relapse. Each time I get sober the same things happen. Instead of coming home and drinking my troubles away, I need to live life on life’s terms. I need to come up with real solutions for real problems.

There are multiple personality tests which can be used for the purpose of introspection.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Free Jung Personality Test

Personality Test - Keirsey Temperament Website

This is HUGE. Think about it. Some folks like to fish. I hate to fish. I like my fish delivered to the grocery store wrapped in cellophane, thank you very much. Some people like to camp. I wouldn’t mind camping if I were mountaineering in the Himalayas, but if I am living out of a tent across the street from a motel, I keep asking myself why I am not sleeping in the motel.

These are random examples, but as you eloquently put it, I know who I am. I am a judgmental extrovert who prefers to think instead of feel, but I have a strong sense of intuition. I push to get things done and I am hopelessly pragmatic.

I have chosen income pursuits which fit my profile. I choose to meet people who blend with my personality. I don’t know if other people would look at me and see me as pathetic. But I don’t care. I know what I like.

I truly appreciate what Jamdls mentioned about being actors. I have mentioned this before. I believe that I am skillfully intuitive, and when I hear people say that they love this or that, I wonder if they aren’t just lying to themselves. Small tangent here, but…when a person works behind a cubicle and they tell everyone that they love their job; let’s say this person wins the $10,000,000 lottery. Would they go back? In matters of love, when someone says that they love their spouse, but suddenly some hot, young Argentinean woman comes along, and they cast their marriage aside, what happened? In matters of addiction, I recently read a post where someone talked about watching others drinking, and there was a kind of false, faked happiness being portrayed by the people in the group; I think I have felt that way watching others drink as well. Here’s my point: people fuel their own egos by trying to convince others that they are well adjusted and happy. In the end, we are all alone, and I can’t help but wonder if the best thing we could ever do for ourselves is hard handed self analysis and discovery.

Let’s say you look at one of these women, and you admire them, and many of them have a hobby of quilt making. So you take up quilt making, but you hate it. You haven’t done yourself any favors, right?

I think that most people who read your post know the exact feeling that you are describing. I also think that people are inherently lonely and happiness is very elusive even for people who seem to have it all.

I like you, you plain, boring, old, partially broken, recovery site junkie.

@vividserenity
Two things:
You live in Eugene, OR. That fact alone makes you more interesting than approximately 70% of the country...

You don't look old at all in your picture, unless that was taken thirty or more years ago. But, I happen to think women grow exponentially more attractive and interesting and intimidating as they advance in age, and my perception of a "peak" keeps advancing with my age, lol.

I don't think I've done this on SR yet, but...

How are you doing?

Spittake~

Thanks...and no that pic was taken about 2 years ago lol

I dont technically live IN Eugene. I live approximatly 20 miles south in the middle of nowhere. I love Eugene and would love to live closer to town but...there is a nursery business on the property so we cant very well pack up and go anytime :(

I think you are right about peaking! lol I just wish I was somewhere near it. Maybe I am practicing eh? I am feeling a bit better. Whats funny is the very night I wrote the above I read this in "Codependency No More" a book that I am reading. The first paragraph really struck me.

Codependent no more: how to stop ... - Google Books

Anywho thanks for askin! How are YOU doing these days?

Result of personality test...
 

For me, every word here is true...those tests must work!


All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

* Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
* Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
* Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
* Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Princess Diana, Joan Baez, Albert Schweitzer, Bill Moyers, Eleanor Roosevelt, Mohandas Gandhi, Mikhael Gorbachev, and Oprah Winfrey are examples of Idealists.

Well we arrived in Boston without any scrapes lol The flight went well...no crying on take off this time :) It sure is a long flight though I will say. Im excited to be away from the house. Being here really brings out how much I was isolating at home. Hopefully when I return I will feel more like getting out and seeing people. We only had about 3 and a half hours sleep the night before we left so needless to say we were sleepy after getting here, but we still managed to go out to eat and chat some. Went to sleep about 11 or so and got up at 8:30 this morning. Im drinking my tea and wondering what the day holds, no plans as of yet. Hope everyone is doing well. HUGE :ghug

Its a beautiful sunny day here and it is the day of the wedding! YEAH! The weather couldnt be better. We went out for a unrehearsal dinner last night where we got to know the grooms family some more. It was fun. Yummy food, nice people, good conversation. There was quite a bit of drinking and I was uncomfy for a little while. Overall it did make me think of trying moderation but...not anytime soon so I dont really have to worry about it right now. Huzzy and I arent gettin along so well. Since we have been here he has been being sort of strange. Not really himself I guess. I cant quite put my finger on it. So that has been strange. I am having a fab time and he is a little off. I have tried not to concentrate too much on it though. Thinking I need to stay in my own hula hoop. It is hard to not try and bug him about what is going on. I did ask, he said nothing was up. I should let go right there. Not ask again, not be thinking about it. Wondering what he is doing, why he is feeling that way. But...its hard....its gonna take practice for sure. I just feel so seperate. In one way it feels good but in another I dont see how someone can have a relationship where they feel like this. I mean where is the connection?! I suppose that is maybe a chapter I havent came to yet. How to love your partner without letting go of your seperateness. Hard work I tell ya.

Hi VS! :ghug3

Hi Viv! You're up near where I was born, I haven't been there in 40 yrs but I hear it's wonderful. Just be self-centered and enjoy the time for YOU.

So apparently I followed me here. I am here with me on vacation. I wasnt feeling fab before we left and suprise all that is still right here with me. I cant put my finger on it. I dont feel motivated. I am sad. I am bored. How can you be bored on vacation? I guess its not really boredom really, there are alot of things to do, just that none of them seem appealing, because of my mood. I am doing my best to keep on the smiley face. What to do. I cant hide the entire time. Even going out to places seems painful as I am so disgusted by my weight right now and I feel like all these people are staring at my fat self. Bahhh....anyway...thats my vent for the day.

:hug:

Your beautiful just the way you are. Don't worry about what others think.

:hug: