yeah i get it viv...we have some similarities (hug)

keep up with the counciling..it gets painful before it gets better but when it gets better it is really really better (hug)

Thanks for the support guys! :ghug

I havent been following exactly what I had planned but back to it!!

Still kickin...

Went to the coast for a few.

:ghug

My internet SUCKS right now and it looks like it wont be better for a while :headbanger
So I wont be on as much which SUCKS, I miss you guys!!!
:ghug

Good Morning All!

Well....the goals have turned into schmoals! :herewego

Schmoals: Once a goal, a schmoal is a goal gone bad. These are goals that in the beginning feel so certain and bound for glory, then the little monsters creep in..procrastination...emotional overload...and well some good ole fashioned laziness! The goal is then very slowly swallowed and what you have left is a schmoal, a bitter memory of what once was that little sparkle in your eye.

Yuppers...thats how I am feeling. Honestly, at least today, it isnt really bothering me all that much. I guess I figure that if something is that important to me, goal or not it will get done. (right?????) lol

Things here are ok, not great, but ok. Huzzy is being a handful, has been for about a week. Cant really figure whats up with him but...I guess thats not my responsibility is it? I need to concentrate on me not him. (reminding myself AGAIN) So today because our kitchen is driving me insane. I will clean it like no mad woman ever has!
I would like to say that afterwards I could sit in my beautiful new solid wood hammock stand (with hammock) and relaxing the footsies but oh noooooo I cant because some worker somewhere forgot to put the hardware required to put the thing together, in the box! But I will keep perspective, maybe this person was having a bad day, maybe they had lost their puppy the night before and had no sleep, maybe they taped their left arm to their body so they couldn't reach the hardware to put it in. No matter, I will be patient and understanding as always. Yup thats me, patient Lady J, yup thats what they call me....
The weather here is fabulous! (Boy do I wish I could sit in that hammock) Blue sky lots of sun..the birds are out, oh hey I know, I could go sit in my hammock and read the day away, ohhhhh yeah thats right, I have no hardware to go with my beautiful hammock stand.....
Well the 12th was my 4 months! YEAH! :scoregood I actually missed the date. I didnt remember till the 14th which I though was pretty cool. Seriously though if drinking in my dreams was counted as a relapse I would have lost it like a week ago. Been having plenty of those. I think its because of Huzzy issues. Those usually make me wanna drink. But, of course, I will not.
On an interesting note...I had a dream last night that a hummingbird kissed my nose! I know why I had the dream but it was pretty cool all the same.
Thats it for an update..

:ghug

So why did the hummingbird kiss your nose?

and why did the chicken cross the road? :c031:

Well...that night before I went to sleep...Huzzy had stepped out on the porch for a sec and I guess a Hummingbird came right up to him and checked him out for a few seconds. LOL He came in and told me about it. I think thats why I had that dream.

...about the chicken...hmm...We have chickens but our chickens dont cross the road so I guess I dont know why?...... LMAO

Today is good so far...this weekend I managed through a serious craving, did all the laundry, deep cleaned the kitchen, had lunch with huzzy, got inspired by the new book I am reading, petted the kitties, had an allergy attack, finished my photography homework, took more pix of the yard......guess it was sort of busy...funny I usually don't feel like I got anything done......

This is something that has come up in counseling recently. Apparently I am really good at down playing any and all accomplishments. Im not sure why that is....we are gonna look into.

Well hope everyone has a spifferific day! :ghug

Things here have been spiffy....The schmoals are no longer....I started reading this book about being a success in life. It says..and I am beginning to agree that if you still have goals that you had a year ago and havent started moving towards them yet then you need to switch goals. So..I currently dont have any goals besides getting done the things I want to do. So far its working out. i am reading my Stoic Serenity book (which is amazing btw), I am keeping up with the house, I am moving forward with my photography class, and I have actually had a few brainstorming sessions about what I would like to do for a career. Of course I am still working with the counselor to off all those self defeating behaviors and thoughts.....which is great because I feel like all the other things I am doing are tying right into that. I have had a few cravings here and there but...I am pretty good at seeing the oh so disgusting end of it before the craving gets too bad.

Im off to lunch....will write more later

:ghug

So...

had an emotional day....an intense session and then not eating and then bad haircut = crying for 2 hours and having a screaming session in the car. I came home, took a short nap, showered, ate a little and now I feel somewhat better but still shaken. SO not fun! Tomorrow though I am heading off to the coast with huzzy to celebrate our 2nd anniversary! I cant wait to soak in the hot tub, read a little Stoic Serenity and of course go to the beach and watch some HGTV. See we dont have TV at home and I LOVE that channel!
Off to clean I guess.....

hmm guess I havent updating much lately eh?

My apologies to myself and all my fans ROFL!! :rotfxko

In all seriousness things are going well. The trip to Seaside was good and productive my our relationship you could say. I have been pretty motivated since I got back to get things done. I always seem to have alot on my list and I get it all done and then I dont feel like I did anything. I think maybe I will start keeping the lists! Well after having the bathroom overhauled huzzy and I seem to be in a redecorating the house mode. Which would be so much fun if there was an endless supply of money but since there isnt we will have to maybe deisgn on a dime.....

Have a b-day party to go to today. Little one year old of a friend of ours. i am excited to see her I havent seen her in a while but I am wondering if her husband is going to be drinking. I still havent been around it much. I guess there is a first time for everything.

Im feeling all right today...not good...not bad...just here....and that is fine with me! I am ready for the not here not there. It brings its own comfort.

:) Just checking-in with you to let you know I care http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s/shine8pl.gif

Im feeling oh so stuck and not motivated.....I realized this evening with the help of an ear that I am scared....SO scared that I think that its paralyzing me.

I am scared ....

...that I wont ever FIND a career that I make decent money at that I like to do and that I can feel good about

...that I wont be able to make a decision about having kids till its too late

...that I wont ever do anything that matters really because I was too scared

...that I settled instead of taking another path that may have been harder but more rewarding

...that my life is meaningless, that I really dont make much of a difference by being here

...that Im just a spoiled brat who needs to get off all these feelings and get to work

...that I wont ever feel normal, or have a normal happy life full of love, inspiration and peace ( I do not expect perfection)

Now I am crying...been feeling stuck and pent up all day...(shakes head)

I am so tired of feeling this way.

:hug:

Vivid,

I can absolutely relate. Even after the drink problem was solved, fear was my biggest issue. I steadily progressed to less and less fear in my life, and, more importantly, having confidence to walk through the fearful times. But, even now it creeps in once in a while, so I've got a pretty regimented way of dealing with it so that it doesn't stick around very long.

Feeling a little better this morning. Sometimes it all seems to hit like a freight train.