Katie09

Good points, but I suspect Bush was drinking now and then during his presidency, but I digress. Your point is well taken.

Katie09

Yes, the biggest thing I took away from the homeless shelter is that the line between being ok and not ok is very fine. The other thing I learned from the other place is to not have so many kids if you cannot afford them.

Katie09

LOL, thanks for sharing. One thing I've noticed in my travels here are a lot of posts saying...if you're for real. I must be a real nutcase to evoke those kind of responses.

I guarantee you I am for real, unfortunately. It is hard being me.

robc

Katie, I have to admit I got a little impatient when you were going back and forth about rehab, but right now I totally see your point. You made it very clear in your posts that you did not want to do AA. I think it sucks that they deceived you, but hopefully you can make the best of it. I did come across Rational Recovery, which is totally the opposite of AA. You may want to check out their website. You might like their method.

windysan

LOL@goat sacrifice

desertdonna

I understand, Katie. For many years it was really hard being me, too. Until I began to change from the inside. Now it's becoming easier and it's such a relief.

The same will happen for you when you loosen the "ties that bind you." Otherwise, it's the same drama with different sets and locales.

Many hugs,

Donna

Katie09

I dunno. I just got back from the "morning meditation" (sounds like meditation, right?) but it was really just a reading from the daily reflections. I was honest, said I was here for sobriety and mental health and that spirituality might be on the agenda someday. Of course, this was followed with commentary on my commentary that this comes through the 12 steps of AA.

I did speak with the sales guy last night. He told me not to worry about AA and that he runs things. I am a misfit here and I wish they would have been upfront with me. As a result, it will not be best for me, I don't know that I'll get anything out of this, and I'm sure they won't want to hear any differing points of view, which they are going to. And I don't think God put me here for a reason, rather my drinking, poor mental health, inability to discern things in light of their "inability" to just be straight with me about this place. Oh well. I will try to get something out of this but I am in a sea of AAers 24/7 who are going to try to convert me and with no escape hatch and it's disconcerting. Thanks for your post.

gerryP

"...I am in a sea of AA'ers 24/7 who are going to try to convert me and with no escape hatch...."

You think that's possible, really? I think you are posting more than you did when you were "home."

I have never heard of such a place as you describe you are in. The rehab I was in kept us busy from 6 am til 10 pm with a half hour after meals for quiet time.

Zencat

Kate your current situation reminds me when I entered rehab for the first time. After I did my intake I was handed the Big Book. Having never seen the book before I was interested in what it contained. After reading it for about an hour I became very dejected. I thought about how am I going to benefit from a situation that seemed to be taking in a direction I feared..and that being religious indoctrination. Luckily I brought a few books to read. one of them being 'Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki'. I had always wanted to read this book and as the fates would have I purchased it a few days before entering rehab. I had become so engrossed in this book that the big book faded away from my mind. I ended up using the talk therapy and group sessions as a part of my treatment plan and just endured the AA meeting that were compulsory to attend. After a wile the AA meetings were more entertaining than anything else with all the colorful personalities and whatnot.


.

Ananda

WOW Zencat...how interesting is that! I took his book Manual of Zen Buddhism to treatment with me (couldn't find my copy of zen mind beginner mind) It was my daily medition and my mainstay for recovery (not sure i used that word right...please correct me grammer/vocab people tee hee).

Yeah I guess why i got so much out of treatment was that I went there with a determination to find a way back to sobriety...with honesty, not fake it till you make it attitude.

I got ALOT out of treatment, but then again, I put a lot into it....

Katie, I believe you can look in side yourself at the you that you have describe (the you that wants this sobriety really really bad), and find a way to simply make it work for you....I always invision it as the sober me of "tomarrow" is right there with me letting me know i'm already there...sounds wierd but i don't know how else to describe it.

jowinbo

you should have a contract in paper that you signed? i would check the small print or get a lawyer to fix this! i do hope your animals are ok, and katie, i wish you love, peace and happiness in your sobreity!

:praying

Katie09

Thanks so much! It was their goofy financial agreement. He X'd it all the way down and I signed it, including the part that said by initializing this and my signature I understand there is NO REFUND. No attorney here, but I didn't initial that. In addition, their financial agreement states they charge $1000 to hold a space and they made me give them $3K. So I don't know...

At any rate, met with the therapist and they are putting together a schedule for me. I will decide today based on that schedule. If it's a no go (and 99% sure it's a no go) then I'll just say I want my money back and deal with whatever. My friend seems to think they won't part with it easily (as do I), but I will be taking legal action if they don't. I will be disputing the visa charge as well. Oh, and good thing I brought my camera, as I've taken pics of this place that are nowhere NEAR what's advertised on the website. My friend is willing to act as a proxy for me here in CA to deal with the legal stuff. It's not over until it's over.

jowinbo

i am not big on AA either! but can going to meetings hurt us? well, yes, it used to be a trigger for me, cause all i heard was "drinking talk, my selective hearing?? now, in order to stay sober AND busy, i make it a point to go to AA?

i do not agree w/everything said, but i can get something positive, leave the rest!
i do not go to AA to be liked or disliked. i speak me mind, what is troubling me and i get suggestions?
some suggestions help, some don't! but i go to help ME!
if they know a better way of life, then i must hang onto it! same w/SR, it helps alot!

my thoughts and prayers are with you.......:praying

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Call me crazy, but why don't you accept that this is where you are at, and try to reap some benefit from being in a rehab center? Aren't you better then you were "at home"? Why don't you have an OPEN MIND and see if there might be something (other than the AA meetings) that you can gain out of being there that might help you with your addiction? You are spending a lot of energy fighting this situation tooth and nail, and I respectfully say that possibly that energy could be used in a more productive way. I mean, it doesn't sound like you will be getting your money back..why not see if you can find something positive out of this? I believe it's called "willingness"

Karen

jowinbo

am going to check this book out! glad u r doing good!
love in happiness, health and sobriety!

jow

:ghug

jowinbo

Manual of Zen Buddhism

jowinbo

please be kind to yourself and do the right thing? how are your animals doing? my thoughts and prayers are with you!

Katie09

Thank you, thank you, thank you all!!!!

Today was a trial, but I did get him to agree to give me a refund, minus the time I've stayed here and any other expenses. My friend picks me up at 9 a.m., the guy will have the receipts for me to pick up, and it's back to AZ we go.

With the refund and a clearer head, I can do MORE research and find something that is suitable and NON-12 step.

What an experience it's been. Drive all the way to CA and only see the ocean from a distance then back to the desert.

Zencat

Kate, keep exploring your options in order to heal. If it is within your means seek out another rehab. Maybe do an on site visit before hand (if at all possible) and talk to residents and various staff about the program. Above all keep yourself as safe as possible.

Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki is the one.

So cool and yes I too put a lot of effort in recovery. As I look back on my rehab experience I see now that I was finding my own path in recovery among those taking the AA way. I worked hard to make my path and the exploration involved invigorated my determinism to make it all work out.

Zencat

:ghug3 Good to hear...you do deserve a treatment that is a best fit for you.