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Avoidance?

Old 03-11-2009, 10:15 PM
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Avoidance?

Some of you might remember that there is a big, huge family event coming up in late April that was causing me lots of anxiety. One of my husband's cousins is getting married in Charleston, SC the day after my birthday. Her family is very rich and it's going to be a Grand Ol' Southern Affair. They have a whole Wedding Week going on, FFS, complete with a golf outing, "Welcome to Charleston" cocktail event, and even a going-away brunch the day after the wedding.

No one in my husband's family knows of my drinking problem, and none of them knows that I've quit drinking. They are all avid drinkers (not alcoholics, just normal drinkers and many wine connoisseurs) and, as you can tell by the cocktail EVENT on the wedding schedule, alcohol will be freely flowing all weekend long.

To say that I have been dreading going to this wedding would be an understatement.

My husband is graduating from graduate school the following weekend. He has been wanting to combine the two trips into one week-long combined trip with a Disney World vacation with his parents filling in the weekdays in between the two weekends. The details of all this are unimportant for this post, but I had to mention that for information/discussion purposes.

I've been purposefully putting off planning this trip with him because of the anxiety it causes me. We can no longer put it off as it is rapidly approaching and we need to buy plane tickets, make hotel reservations, etc. We started discussing it the other day and it became very clear very quickly that I was uncomfortable and unhappy. Our discussion got cut short and we had to finish talking later. Well, come to find out, he assumed that I was sitting there not wanting to discuss it because I didn't want to go on the trip with him at all... as in, didn't want to go WITH HIM. He said that when I go on trips alone I get all excited but now that it's time to plan a trip together I'm all sad and don't want to go and his feelings were hurt. I told him that it had nothing to do with him - I was terrified of going to the wedding because of the alcohol thing. He was actually RELIEVED and said, "Oh, is that all? Well we can fix THAT! You just won't go to the wedding."

So, while I am still pretty nervous about him breaking it to his family that me and Teen won't be at the wedding, that was pretty much music to my ears. It's what I had been hoping for but had no idea how to bring up; I was sure that would be a big fat no-go. I couldn't believe how quickly he suggested it. Then again, I couldn't believe his first thought was that I was upset about going on a trip with him... :wtf2

The rest of the trip and details still have to be worked out but I'm not worried about that part of it.

But now for my question: is this a good thing, or am I just avoiding things? I mean, I know I can't go through life avoiding people and places where alcohol is involved, and I don't really expect to. I can manage a dinner out with friends while they have a cocktail and it doesn't bother me (too much). But really, the thought of being around hundreds of people who are drinking almost constantly, with none of them knowing that I don't drink - and shouldn't drink ever again - was just too much. I felt pretty confident that I would cave there, even with my husband and kids with me.

Do you think I'm doing the right thing by skipping it?
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:20 PM
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Yes you are doing the right thing by not going, unless you want to risk going back to day one again!
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:25 PM
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I do not. But more than that, I don't want to risk making my life worse, humiliating myself and/or my family, and ruining my life. God only knows what would happen if I drank again, especially in a setting where I'm surrounded by people who don't know I shouldn't be drinking. I don't really want to find out.
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:29 PM
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Ah so there is more than just the prospect of going back to day 1, well hmmm let me think...don't go then! hehe Seriously get some great feedback from this thread but don't be stupid and end up going:-) It's too early to even think about this stuff, needs to be a no brainer, most important thing has to be your sobriety!
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:31 PM
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I was reading the thread with mounting alarm TSH....I don't think this is avoidance - this is being wise and careful...and realistic.

There's time enough for walking the highwire later down the track.

This is a good call IMO.

D
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:37 PM
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Thanks for the reassurance, y'all.

I even told Hub that this feels kind of selfish, and that I know I can't expect to avoid these types of situations forever (and I don't want to). He said, "Well, I'm really proud of you. A lot of people would think of this as a free pass, a chance to just drink all weekend and be around people that don't know you shouldn't be drinking, and say to heck with it."

I kind of stepped back and looked at him and he chuckled and said, "... aaaand, you might have thought that very thing! But hey, you're not acting on it and that's what counts, so I'm proud of you."
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Old 03-12-2009, 04:38 AM
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I agree with the others that you shouldn't go.
What is he going to tell his parents is the reason you won't be there?
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:12 AM
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You're smart for not going. I still have to avoid bars, and weddings are just huge drinkathons anyway.
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:13 AM
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THC

YOur husband is an angel! put him on your gratitude list....

you may very well be avoiding, but then I avoid rapests and mean people too...

I don't let fear of alchohol rule my life decsions, but then again...i don't mind skating around it at times.....

interesting that being aruond alchohol never bothered me in past sobrieties..my first sobriety i became a bartender at 2 days sober...but this time around i've had to do some avoidance and i'm still doing it at 19 mos...

just depends on where you are at at the tmomemnt
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Old 03-12-2009, 06:52 AM
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Fubar, I'm not sure yet. This is where the rest of the trip/plans come in, too. See, my biggest reason for NOT wanting to combine the two trips into one long one, and go to Disney in between, is because my teenager simply can not afford to miss an entire week of high school. He's in honors classes and I can not imagine how hard it would be for him to catch up if he misses an ENTIRE week. Plus he'd miss football practice all week, too, and I know he won't want that. We haven't discussed it with him yet - we're doing that tonight. His input will weigh heavily into the final decision.

So, if it winds up being as I suspect it will, and he wants to miss as little school as possible, that will be the reason for me not going to the wedding: he can't miss school and I have to stay home with him, and the two of us will meet them on Wednesday night or Thursday morning for the graduation part of the trip.

If it winds up that Teen doesn't care about missing school, or if he thinks we can arrange it with his teachers so that he won't get too far behind, then we will go down earlier in the week and spend some time at Disney with everyone else. The story then will probably be that all 4 of us going to the wedding was just too much chaos and too hard logistically (which is very true, mostly because of the trip from the wedding to Disney).

Either way, not a lie.
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Old 03-12-2009, 10:17 AM
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Nice TSH.
I just wanted to make sure you had a plan.

I wouldn't want to see his parents get upset because they thought you were slighting them.
Sounds like everything will work out fantabulously. Is that a word.
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Old 03-13-2009, 11:43 AM
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Trying...

No you can't go through your life avoiding everything that makes you uncomfortable, but you CAN in early sobriety.

This is about you right now, everything else will follow in due time. I think it's a good decision and luckily your husband is supportive in your recovery.
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Old 03-13-2009, 01:01 PM
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I wouldn't go if they were serving heroin.
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