Amends - how do you know?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Htown, baby!
Posts: 384
After we stop the behavior and apologize how do we stop feeling guilty about what we've done?
Also, I sometimes feel guilty about things which I have no control over..like someones feelings. Like, if so and so is mad at me that means I automatically did something wrong.
Also, I sometimes feel guilty about things which I have no control over..like someones feelings. Like, if so and so is mad at me that means I automatically did something wrong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 753
Thanks for this thread TSH.. I wonder if the amends does not happen in the rebuilt relationship as much as the actual apology.. I too have been thinking on this question.. I have asked a few close friends who know I am not drinking if there is any unfinished business with us and if I have hurt them in any way in the past (= while I was drinking)..
Great perspectives here on this thread..
Great perspectives here on this thread..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I guess i still feel bad about things i did wrong...but it isn't overwhelming just something I note and go on...course except the really big one that eats my lunch bad...mostly as i learn to be compassionate toward others i learn to do the same to my self....As i forgive others I learn to forgive myself...i start to see that even though my behaviors were wrong...not everything that came out of it ended up being bad...that it became a part of the big picture of life and closed some possiblities and opened others....guess it isn't about judging it so much...sorry this is where i get into the big spritual or philisophy of life stuff...cause that is what comforts me
I do tend to jump immediately to I am scum of the earth what have I done now.....I just practice trying to as quieckly as possible step back and take a more reasoned look at the situation (an i try NOT to appologize and take on blame immediately when something happens).
I do think I have some responsiblities for others feelings, if I tell you you are the ugliest person I have ever met....i should in my opinion take responsibility for that that is going to hurt someone, but a lot of times people are like me and take something and turn the feeling all twisty...jeez if you look at me wrong I can end up thinking you hate me and are leaving forever (LOL)...
I try to be as understanding of myself as I am of others...
Just some thoughts.
I do tend to jump immediately to I am scum of the earth what have I done now.....I just practice trying to as quieckly as possible step back and take a more reasoned look at the situation (an i try NOT to appologize and take on blame immediately when something happens).
I do think I have some responsiblities for others feelings, if I tell you you are the ugliest person I have ever met....i should in my opinion take responsibility for that that is going to hurt someone, but a lot of times people are like me and take something and turn the feeling all twisty...jeez if you look at me wrong I can end up thinking you hate me and are leaving forever (LOL)...
I try to be as understanding of myself as I am of others...
Just some thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
Who are you calling ugly lol!
Only joking but thats a bit how I am at the moment, it doesn't matter if someone looks at me wrong, looks at me right or doesn't look at me at all, I am going to read something into it!
I am so far from ready to start opening old wounds which would upset both myself and the other person involved.
If I have done someone massively wrong that person either left my life (and I don't blame them) or we worked something out.
Picking at scabs is not always a healthy thing to do.
The only difference I can make to the (very) few people left in my life is to get on with it and not to do it again!
Only joking but thats a bit how I am at the moment, it doesn't matter if someone looks at me wrong, looks at me right or doesn't look at me at all, I am going to read something into it!
I am so far from ready to start opening old wounds which would upset both myself and the other person involved.
If I have done someone massively wrong that person either left my life (and I don't blame them) or we worked something out.
Picking at scabs is not always a healthy thing to do.
The only difference I can make to the (very) few people left in my life is to get on with it and not to do it again!
I'm just a little unwell
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Ok so here's the thing. I don't know if I need to make amends to someone or not and I don't know how to figure it out. It's someone that never knew (and still does not know) about my drinking problem. We got in a huge fight one night in an instant messenger conversation. I was drunk at the time but this person had no idea since the conversation was online and not face-to-face. I don't believe I said anything I truly didn't MEAN but I definitely said things that I would not have said sober, and I phrased the things I said very poorly.
Later, and sober, I apologized. He also apologized. We made up and moved on. This all happened a little over a year ago. Over time, our relationship changed a bit and we are not as close as we used to be. Whether or not it has anything to do with that fight and its fallout I do not know.
Part of me feels like now that I have a few months of sobriety and can more clearly understand how screwed up my thinking was back then that I should go back and make a more sincere apology. He would probably be caught off guard, because I'm sure in his mind this was all settled a year ago. I doubt seriously it would "pain" him or open old wounds for him; he'd more than likely shrug it off as some weird girl thing. That being said, if I were to go ahead and apologize again, would I tell him that I was drunk during that fight? Would/should I give that sort of information in the explanation of why I'm bringing this up a year later?
This is where, to me, it's really tricky to be a drinker who hid it all from everyone. It's hard to make up for things that people had no idea were attributed to alcohol at the time.
Later, and sober, I apologized. He also apologized. We made up and moved on. This all happened a little over a year ago. Over time, our relationship changed a bit and we are not as close as we used to be. Whether or not it has anything to do with that fight and its fallout I do not know.
Part of me feels like now that I have a few months of sobriety and can more clearly understand how screwed up my thinking was back then that I should go back and make a more sincere apology. He would probably be caught off guard, because I'm sure in his mind this was all settled a year ago. I doubt seriously it would "pain" him or open old wounds for him; he'd more than likely shrug it off as some weird girl thing. That being said, if I were to go ahead and apologize again, would I tell him that I was drunk during that fight? Would/should I give that sort of information in the explanation of why I'm bringing this up a year later?
This is where, to me, it's really tricky to be a drinker who hid it all from everyone. It's hard to make up for things that people had no idea were attributed to alcohol at the time.
Eclectics Anonymous
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 286
I feel really in the same boat. DH is really the only person who knows about my drinking but it has affected other people. This is how it has gone so far for me. I am not doing this as part of an AA Program but as something I feel I want to do.
I have lost/alienated 2 friends in the last year because of IM Conversations, one friend because of phone calls, and another who is an alcoholic but this was mainly one of those situations that was a long time coming and for the better.
With the IM conversations I was drunk or buzzed and more free with my typing than I would have been. On the flipside, they were conversations that needed to happen and even though I had been drinking the other party was not exactly being pleasant either but if I were not drinking I might not have been so "open" with my responses. I have saved and re-read the conversations to make sure that it wasn't my alcohol brain thinking they were playing a part in it as well.
With one person I emailed them and told them that I had been drinking too much in general and was sorry for what I said. The email was over all well received and the other person really didn't want to get into a conversation about it or really hear about my drinking. She is having a lot of life issues and was also severely depressed and was acting out of sorts because of that so it was a bad combo. We were able to apologize to one another and move on but not with the friendship we once had. She admittedly does not forgive people very often and has a hard time discussing her feelings.
For another person, I decided I felt the need to drunk dial for whatever stupid reason. This was a person I knew in Junior High and I dumped a lot of stupid crap in his lap. He eventually got sick of it and stopped taking my calls. This was also a weird situation and my husband really did not want me to contact him to apologize because this person was adding fuel to the fire so to speak and trying to convince me to leave my husband and trying to make little day to day problems in my marriage seem like disaster material.
Oh, the drama. Anyhow, I ended up sending him a text that said "I want to sincerely apologize for my obnoxious and ultimately highly embarrasing behavior from last year. I hope things are going well for you. Obviously, life is a little less high drama with the whole clarity thing and not drinking copious amounts of liquor. Please accept my apologize and I wish you the best for your future."
His response: Sara...No apology is needed. U don't need to worry about that.
I felt like I wanted to discuss it more with this person even with the complications but it was pretty clear he did not want to. My husband was also not being thrilled with me apologizing in the first place (DH said I did not owe him an apology he owed me one) because of the "game" he was playing.
I have lost/alienated 2 friends in the last year because of IM Conversations, one friend because of phone calls, and another who is an alcoholic but this was mainly one of those situations that was a long time coming and for the better.
With the IM conversations I was drunk or buzzed and more free with my typing than I would have been. On the flipside, they were conversations that needed to happen and even though I had been drinking the other party was not exactly being pleasant either but if I were not drinking I might not have been so "open" with my responses. I have saved and re-read the conversations to make sure that it wasn't my alcohol brain thinking they were playing a part in it as well.
With one person I emailed them and told them that I had been drinking too much in general and was sorry for what I said. The email was over all well received and the other person really didn't want to get into a conversation about it or really hear about my drinking. She is having a lot of life issues and was also severely depressed and was acting out of sorts because of that so it was a bad combo. We were able to apologize to one another and move on but not with the friendship we once had. She admittedly does not forgive people very often and has a hard time discussing her feelings.
For another person, I decided I felt the need to drunk dial for whatever stupid reason. This was a person I knew in Junior High and I dumped a lot of stupid crap in his lap. He eventually got sick of it and stopped taking my calls. This was also a weird situation and my husband really did not want me to contact him to apologize because this person was adding fuel to the fire so to speak and trying to convince me to leave my husband and trying to make little day to day problems in my marriage seem like disaster material.
Oh, the drama. Anyhow, I ended up sending him a text that said "I want to sincerely apologize for my obnoxious and ultimately highly embarrasing behavior from last year. I hope things are going well for you. Obviously, life is a little less high drama with the whole clarity thing and not drinking copious amounts of liquor. Please accept my apologize and I wish you the best for your future."
His response: Sara...No apology is needed. U don't need to worry about that.
I felt like I wanted to discuss it more with this person even with the complications but it was pretty clear he did not want to. My husband was also not being thrilled with me apologizing in the first place (DH said I did not owe him an apology he owed me one) because of the "game" he was playing.
trying to get it right
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: globe, AZ
Posts: 243
TryingSoHard
i really do not know, but i would say if it is bothering you, you need to make amends! just to be free of who you used to be?
you are doing good and i praise you for that!
my biggest amends.................well is the one i have to make w/myself?
peace, love and sobriety to you!
:ghug
trying to get it right
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: globe, AZ
Posts: 243
Sara9009
wow this is hard huh? we all want people to accept our apologies? some will, some will not? i believe that "they do" love us, just hate our behavior?
these are, unfortunatly, the things we cannot control? keep repeating the senerity prayer! the truth does rest in there!
peace, love and sobreity to you!
:praying
these are, unfortunatly, the things we cannot control? keep repeating the senerity prayer! the truth does rest in there!
peace, love and sobreity to you!
:praying
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
I need to resurrect this thread. Because late last year, before I managed to give up my drugs, BF and I were short on money. Everyone knows textbooks aren't cheap, and we stole $180 textbook from a friend and sold it for drug money. It was a team effort. I have repeatedly told this friend I have no idea what happened to his textbook, and he eventually dropped the subject but I am 90% certain he still thinks I know what happened to it. Though he thinks I know BF stole it, not that I actually helped.
So... how to properly make this one up to him? Friend and BF are still buddies, so if I tell him the whole story that will likely put a dent in their friendship. On the other hand, he seemed fairly certain BF stole the book anyway and they still hang out. Friend says all sorts of crap about me anyway and our friendship is a bit shaky so telling him about it will either put the nail in the coffin or improve things a bit. I'm not sure which I would prefer, honestly. And then there's the issue of paying him back. Do I owe him the full amount for the book? Half of it? I feel like (now ex) BF should pay for half, but I know he never will. But... maybe that isn't my problem?
Other issue: Friend is addicted to alcohol and painkillers. I have not seen him sober in months, and I don't want to issue such an apology when he's drunk/high. He likely wouldn't remember it the next day anyway, and he would wonder where the money came from but certainly wouldn't say anything about it.
So... how to properly make this one up to him? Friend and BF are still buddies, so if I tell him the whole story that will likely put a dent in their friendship. On the other hand, he seemed fairly certain BF stole the book anyway and they still hang out. Friend says all sorts of crap about me anyway and our friendship is a bit shaky so telling him about it will either put the nail in the coffin or improve things a bit. I'm not sure which I would prefer, honestly. And then there's the issue of paying him back. Do I owe him the full amount for the book? Half of it? I feel like (now ex) BF should pay for half, but I know he never will. But... maybe that isn't my problem?
Other issue: Friend is addicted to alcohol and painkillers. I have not seen him sober in months, and I don't want to issue such an apology when he's drunk/high. He likely wouldn't remember it the next day anyway, and he would wonder where the money came from but certainly wouldn't say anything about it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 49
Hi Tryin! I am glad you addressed this issue because I am having the same concerns..I do think that alcohol did effect my relationships even if I did not have a drink in hand at the time. Also, I am having difficulty knowing who truly truly got hurt or just said that is Tired and that's how she is....good question and still searching...started AA and steps so hope that brings some clarity?! Thanks for the post.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
gneiss...i guess the point of amends is partly to take responsiblity ..... so sending the money to him with a note..not saying who you are would at least somehow rigth things financially.
Yeah...harming others isn't good so not so sure implicting the ex-b is a good idea.
I have an amend to make that i'm putting off because it means i'll proably have to pay some penalty for my misdeed
not happy with myself, but not quite ready to take responsiblity on that one....
Yeah...harming others isn't good so not so sure implicting the ex-b is a good idea.
I have an amend to make that i'm putting off because it means i'll proably have to pay some penalty for my misdeed
not happy with myself, but not quite ready to take responsiblity on that one....
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