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TryingSoHard 02-26-2009 06:35 PM

Upset stomach: sick or subsconcious?
I feel crummy tonight. I've felt "not quite right" for about 2 days now, but tonight it's different. Worse. My stomach is upset and in knots. It's really unappealing.

Both of my kids are sick, and have been for a while, so it's completely possible I'm getting what they've got. But they don't have any stomach issues... it's all upper-respiratory crud.

I've been in a mental funk for a few days. I debated posting about it but decided I didn't need to host another pity party so I've just been reading and trying to figure it out on my own. It's getting worse instead of better.

Tomorrow my husband leaves town until Monday. This is his last trip for graduate school (he graduates in early May). In the past, his weekend school trips were my free-for-all times. I didn't have to worry about hiding anything, I didn't have to worry about pretending, I could drink openly and outrageously and not worry about who was watching me. (Of course I rationalized that the kids didn't count... let's not go there right now.) I think it's in the back of my mind somewhere that this is my "last chance" to do that again. I think that subconscious thought is making me physically ill.

I'm so tired of feeling abnormal. I'm so tired of having this crap constantly on my mind. And now, almost 5 months in, here I am entertaining (??) the wild notions of the past, romanticizing the memories of drinking and re-building the hope that one day my problem will be "fixed".


Bamboozle 02-27-2009 07:00 AM

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard (Post 2126887)
I've been in a mental funk for a few days. I debated posting about it but decided I didn't need to host another pity party so I've just been reading and trying to figure it out on my own. It's getting worse instead of better...

...I'm so tired of feeling abnormal. I'm so tired of having this crap constantly on my mind. And now, almost 5 months in, here I am entertaining (??) the wild notions of the past, romanticizing the memories of drinking and re-building the hope that one day my problem will be "fixed".


It's about reaching out...that's not a pity party. :wavey:

I've been having some dangerous thoughts, too. I've been feeling so down that drinking is looking appealing. I'm going to work today...I really shouldn't...but it's payday. I should have called off...I don't feel any better.

What's the point of me posting this? I don't know...I guess to let you know you're not alone...

I do know that if I drink it won't fix my problems...I'm just looking for a respite. The only thing that's keeping me sober right now, TSH, is that I'm deliberately putting off drinking. I keep promising myself I'll do it later. It's the only thing that's working for me right now.

I feel nauseous, too...It comes and goes (and it probably doesn't help when I eat potato chips and pickles for breakfast.).

I don't have a plan for today, really. I'll go to work and cross my fingers that I don't walk out or have a break down. After that....hopefully the weather is good enough to go for a walk....after that...I hope I'm too tired to care to do anything.

What do you have planned? Can you get together with a good friend or someone in your family? Go to a museum…go for a nature walk…do something out of character that’s healthy? Do you knit or craft things? I know you’re interested in photography, right (if not, smack me on the forehead)? Shoot, maybe get a pet if you don’t have one and you aren’t allergic. I wish I had a cat…can’t have one in the house. Put on a pair of the Three Stooges...fix yourself a gourmet meal (or go buy one)...pig out on junk food (I use that one too much--oh, yeah...and only if you are feeling better)...go bowling...go shopping (I think I'm doing that this weekend)...

Big hugs. :hug:

TryingSoHard 02-27-2009 08:12 AM

My plan for today is to go back to bed. At least if I'm in bed I'm not at the liquor store. This afternoon I have to take my teenager to the doctor. We don't have any plans for tonight. Since it's just me and the kids we'll probably just goof off, watch a movie or something. Tomorrow I'm working in the morning. I told the teen I'd take him shopping at the sporting goods store at some point this weekend.

We've got two dogs, btw.

I *should* be hitting the gym but I keep coming up with excuses not to go. Then I look in the mirror and feel disgusted and disappointed in myself (and still don't go). Yep, I'm into photography, but the weather right now is unpredictable and not conducive to outdoor photography. The dogs don't coooperate well ;) and I can only point the camera at the kids so many times before they get frustrated with me (it's not like when they were babies and I could take pictures for hours on end!!).

See how good I am at coming up with excuses?

Oh well. I'll spare y'all any more of my melodrama. I'll probably just hide under my covers all weekend. Thank you for responding, Bam.

Mariposa18 02-27-2009 09:21 AM

My Sister~ I saw this post last night but didn't have enough time to respond to it. I actually went to bed thinking of what I would write this morning. I hope my words can help you somehow. Oh and what pity party? You post what you need to when you need to!!!!!!

You could very well be getting what the Kids have, but I honestly don't think that's it. Your Husband is out of town and you said you used to drink as much as you wanted with no worries during those times. I *know* you've been feeling down, I *know* you've been having really intense cravings. I think you need to be extra careful this weekend Honey, I'm worried about you. I think your brain is playing tricks on you. I think it's trying to tell you "Come on, have that drink! Who's going to know?" Am I right? You are hurting, mentally and emotionally you feel down right now. You're not feeling good about yourself. I know you and I have talked about how that is a recipe for disaster! Being alone and having all those thoughts, it is NOT good.

My Sister, I care about you very much and don't want to see you so sad and hurt. Think about this. Yeah, you could have a drink, but you'd get trashed. What if the Kids get worse and you can't take care of them? What if you get so drunk you fall and get hurt and your Kids have to "fix" you? What if Hubby calls and you guys get into a nasty fight that you don't remember? OR what if nothing happens? Kids are in bed, you drink as much as you want, nothing bad happens. Hubby comes home and he never has to know, right?! NOPE...YOU will know. And you know darn well the guilt will make you feel even worse. Is that something you want to do to yourself? Do you want to keep something like that from your Hubby? No, you'll probably tell him what you did. You guys are working hard to re-build the trust in the relationship, what do you think you drinking as soon as he goes out of town will do to that?

I am *NOT* saying that you have the intent to drink. But something in your posts has me very worried about you. I see you withdrawing, keeping to yourself, feeling down. You will NOT go to that liquor store, do you hear me? You don't want to go to the Gym, don't go! Workout at home if you feel like it. Put on some music and just dance around. Don't want to do that? Take pictures of the trees outside, they don't give a sh*t how many pictures you snap!

I'll give you a new you like to read? Go pick up the Twilight Series by Stephanie Mayer. Yep, they are "teen" books, but they are fun and easy reads! Plus you will fall for the characters right away. The shortest book is almost 500 time to drink if you are doing that =)

I just want you to realize that no matter how badly you feel now, no matter how much it hurts now, if you drink it will hurt and feel worse. You are worth more than a bottle of wine~

Love you lots my Sister~

Sara9009 02-27-2009 11:52 AM

Oh wow, I can relate to this.

I really understand a lot of what you just said. My husband is gone about 60% or more of the time with work. For me, this was absolutely a free for all time. He would leave and I would go straight to the liquor store and stock up and I mean stock up. I wouldn't leave the house and I would drink 24/7.

I missed him while he was gone but the crazy part of me was like yay, free for all time. Zero accountability.

He just got back from his first 3 weeks being gone since I have gotten sober and I was really scared I was going to drink while he was gone especially since we couldn't speak the entire three weeks and it was a very stressful three weeks but I made it.

I am here if you ever want to to chat. Stay strong this weekend and do whatever it takes to stay sober.

Good suggestion on the Twilight Books, Mariposa. They are YA Books but I loved them and they were a great distraction. I read them when we were moving and when my Mom came to visit she read them all when she was here. When you go to buy them they seem huge but they are a really quick read and a nice little story to get wrapped up into.

SelfSeeking 02-27-2009 12:15 PM


I'm short of words right now (trying to sleep between night shifts not working so well) but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that you're _normal_ in this struggle :) I'm glad you decided to share this with us. I strongly suggest just getting out and walking til you feel the burn. Less intimidating than the gym! I get overwhelmed trying to decide details about gym trips, but hell, I can open the door and walk out of it without too much agonizing (usually, lol).

Ok sleepy time. You can do it :) :) Enjoy your weekend with the kids and the dogs and your sobah self!

TryingSoHard 02-27-2009 01:38 PM

OMG Mariposa I love you! I am so glad you're my sista from anotha mista!! :ghug3

I just have to say - I read the entire Twilight series last summer. :) Got the first 3 read in time for when Breaking Dawn came out! LOL! I am SUCH a girl! I have actually been thinking about pulling them down and re-reading them.

In about June I'll have to pull down the Harry Potter series in prep for the July release of the 6th movie! :lmao

I will respond to the more "relevant" parts of your post separately - I just had to say that!! Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

TryingSoHard 02-27-2009 01:44 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you girls. Your words mean so much to me.

I did in fact go back to bed, and I slept a.l.l. d.a.*.n. morning. LOL I don't even care.

Sara, my hub has actually taken one trip since I got sober - it was in late October. I was about 3 weeks sober and man... was that one tempting. However, the pain and guilt from my last drinking episode was still FAR too fresh, and the fresh words of Rational Recovery were still ringing in my head, bouncing around giving me new hope. He has admitted since then that he was terrified that he'd call one night and I'd be wasted. Thankfully that never happened.

Mariposa, every single thing you said was SO spot-on. I absolutely can not do that to him, whether he were to find out or not. And yes, the guilt would eat me up if he didn't find out and I'd tell him. Who knows what that would do to things. I don't want to find out.

SS - good suggestion about getting out and going for a walk. It IS less complicated than deciding what to do at the gym!! :) Unfortunately I slept the free part of my day away... Teen will be home in about 10 minutes, then I have to go check Li'l Man out of school because Teen has a doctor's appointment. It's a shame, too, because today is the first day that the weather was actually appropriate for being outside! Man, I can't wait for spring.

More later. I hope the doc gives Teen some good meds. He's been waking up at 3 a.m. every night and having a massive coughing fit. I know he's worn out.

Thanks again. I appreciate you all so much.

Bam, how you holdin' up, hon?

Bamboozle 02-27-2009 03:03 PM

:) Glad to read you seem to be doing better...are you feeling better?

I'm okay for right wasn't a complete disaster...I think I'm going to go for a bit of a walk and then hit McDonalds's on the way back...:) I can justify eating that crap because A.) I haven't had anything to eat in 9 hours and B.) the alternative is booze.

I’m probably fooling myself…but the desire is so strong…I’m hoping that if I put it off long enough the urge will subside. I hope. Oh, I hope.


Mariposa18 02-27-2009 05:30 PM

Umm...yeah...Twilight sucked me in and didn't let me go all last summer! hahaha I read Breaking Dawn in 1 1/2 days, no lie. I started to read Interview with the Vampire at the Doctors office, I'm enjoying it but not sold on it yet. Then again I"m only about 40 pages in. I've seen the movie but we all know the books are always different and usually BETTER!

I've never read Harry Potter, but I love the movies! :lmao

Bam~ I hope you are feeling better Sweetie :ghug3

TryingSoHard 02-27-2009 06:26 PM

I did the same thing with the Twilight books. Couldn't put 'em down. They aren't literary masterpieces or anything, but dang... I think I was as in love with Edward as Bella was! :lmao

I *adore* the Harry Potter books. And the books are SO much better than the movies (IMO). The movies are good, but they are movies... adaptations of a story. They have to leave out so much, too.

Well, we completely wasted over an hour and a half and a copay at the doctor's office. We waited... and waited... and waited some more just so the doc could say, "Well, I know what you've been doing isn't working, but keep doing it anyway. It will probably resolve on its own in another few days." *sigh* Thanks. So we've been out and about for over 3 1/2 hours total, and now it's cold and raining - SNOW is forecasted for tomorrow night UGH - and the kids have been bickering and bantering back and forth THE ENTIRE TIME. My head is pounding and my patience is wearing thin.

My mind keeps swinging back and forth. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've thought about the liquor store being across the street from my work, where I'll be tomorrow morning. I'm trying to just push the thought out of my head.

Probably doesn't help that I haven't eaten all day. I stopped and got KFC for the kids but didn't get any for me.

Dee74 02-27-2009 06:51 PM

yep, booze will really help that stomach TSH :05:

If you're anything like me, you know what this is - you've got a 'free pass' - 'permission' to drink - no one to 'catch' you...'no consequences'.

Look at the words on the page, and tell me how bogus that is.



TryingSoHard 02-27-2009 07:28 PM

Pretty effin bogus, D. The 'no consequences' one made me laugh out loud. To think that one day I actually believed that nonsense!!

I know that it's good that I can at least recognize these things now and take them for the B.S. that they are... but ffs I wish my mind would just QUIT IT.

I'm sick of these cycles. I go a month or so with NO drinking thoughts or cravings, and then *BAM* it's all I can think about. Let'sgototheliquorstoreandgetboozebuyabottlestarta stashwhat'llithurtjustgototheliquorstoreyouknowyou wantto :chatter


Mariposa18 02-27-2009 07:36 PM

Hey, how about you tell that yappy a** voice in your head to drink a nice warm glass of shut the h*ll up! :lmao 5 points if you can name the movie reference =)

Just trying to make you laugh my Darling~

ETA: EAT WOMAN!!!! I'm a complete and total witch when I'm hungry and I can't think straight. So eat, whatever you want, calories be darned~

coffeenut 02-27-2009 10:04 PM

Yeaaaaaaaah, I think our brains definitely tell our body we're hurting and picking up a 12 ounce glass will make us feel better!

Good job, girl. Sounds like you handled this Perfectly!

And I agree with the good meal thing....always makes me feel better.

TryingSoHard 02-27-2009 10:31 PM

Happy Gilmore? :)

I ate some leftover beef stew from last night's dinner. It wasn't really what I wanted but it served its purpose.

Night 1 - basically over. I'm going to bed and read until I fall asleep. 2 nights to go.

Thanks again everyone. I love y'all.

LaDita 02-28-2009 01:33 AM

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard (Post 2126887)
I debated posting about it but decided I didn't need to host another pity party

I really wanted to bite my tongue on this one but I feel that people hosting their 'pity parties' on here may be exactly what they need to do in order to help save their lives. I know that I speak for myself when I say it helps to just vent and let out some steam whether they are looking for pity or not.
I'm sorry you feel that way TSH, we can't always be happy-go-lucky on here all the time, people have their days.

Bamboozle 02-28-2009 05:44 AM

Morning, TSH. How are you? I hope your day goes well.

Me, I think I'm sick from Big Macs...I ate two last night...blech. The idea was to binge on food so that I felt too full to do anything. It's not healthy but it works.

Believe it or not, it wasn't the Big Macs that put me over my "calorie ideal" (:lmao) for the day. After eating that crap I was at about 1500 for the day...which isn't bad (I know, the fat and sodium is).....but then I had to blow that by eating cookies and ice cream. I don’t know how much I consumed in the end… was bad, I’m sure.

Wow....I ate nothing but junk yesterday…potato chips and pickles for breakfast….Big Macs…more chips….cookies…ice cream….I'll try to do better today.

I'm going shopping later today with my will be something to do...and this time I really don't have to worry about not having any money to spend. That's nice. I think I'll get a pair of work pants (my ridiculously fat thighs and the friction they produce on the fabric busted in a few holes on my “good pair”) and maybe some books...and probably some more junk. :)


Bamboozle 02-28-2009 06:12 AM

He he...I just had cookies and ice cream for breakfast. *vomit*

I'm stupid...he he....

TryingSoHard 02-28-2009 08:39 AM

Originally Posted by LaDita (Post 2128679)
I really wanted to bite my tongue on this one but I feel that people hosting their 'pity parties' on here may be exactly what they need to do in order to help save their lives. I know that I speak for myself when I say it helps to just vent and let out some steam whether they are looking for pity or not.
I'm sorry you feel that way TSH, we can't always be happy-go-lucky on here all the time, people have their days.

Trust me, LaDita, I know good and well that people have their days. I feel like I have more than my fair share. I also believe that posting here when I feel in need of help is the right thing to do, which is why I ultimately wound up posting.

What I DON'T believe does anyone any good, either me OR everyone else here, is if I were to log on every day and write a new thread every time I felt down or angry or sad or frustrated or anything else. It would get real old real fast, and it would give the impression that I thought SR was all about me and no one else. I don't believe that, and I don't want anyone else here thinking that I do. I also don't want to have the reputation of being a constant whiner and a rare supporter of others. That's not what I'm about and it's not how I work.

And please believe that I am strictly speaking for myself here. I never log on expecting everyone here to be "happy-go-lucky". This is a recovery site and the people are here for a reason.

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