Here I go again
I got nothin'
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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I called the office...my doc won't be back in for sure until next week...but he might pop in before then. Regardless, I have to wait for him or the office to call back. I may have to go to another appointment for an evaluation before he can refer me. So be it. I hope I can make it. 
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
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At least I'm doing something about this now...I've put it off for far too long.
I did go for help years ago before my drinking got out of control...but I was put-off by the psychiatrist. I felt uncomfortable...he started writing out a prescription right away and I had to ask a bunch of questions...namely, what if this doesn't work? I didn't like the answers so I walked out...probably the worst descision I ever made in my life.
I can't undo it.
I did go for help years ago before my drinking got out of control...but I was put-off by the psychiatrist. I felt uncomfortable...he started writing out a prescription right away and I had to ask a bunch of questions...namely, what if this doesn't work? I didn't like the answers so I walked out...probably the worst descision I ever made in my life.
I can't undo it.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I don't get it...I've gotten some really good news this week:
1.)(At least physically speaking,) my heart is fine
2.)Income tax returns came in
3.)All fees from one of the hospitals were completely waved. That saves me close to $2000.
Essentially, it was like hitting the lottery this week...only...........................I still don't feel good. This is going to be a really long weekend. I'm complaining again. Sorry.
1.)(At least physically speaking,) my heart is fine
2.)Income tax returns came in
3.)All fees from one of the hospitals were completely waved. That saves me close to $2000.
Essentially, it was like hitting the lottery this week...only...........................I still don't feel good. This is going to be a really long weekend. I'm complaining again. Sorry.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Well...I bought a bottle last night. I haven't cracked it open, though. It's sitting there...
I feel so mixed up...I wanted to buy it so I bought it. I felt better after I bought it...relieved, actually....like it's a safety net (I know, one with holes big enough to fall through).
I don't know why I'm telling anyone this...I thought about disappearing from SR for a while...but I've done that before.
It's funny...I had a really calm talk with my mom last night about it. I didn't hide the bottle from her at all...she asked me if I was going to drink the whole thing tonight. I told her no...in fact I probably wasn't going to touch it that night (and I didn't). I told her about seeing the beer all the time in the house and honestly how hard it is to abstain when everyone else around here is still drinking. I also told her I don't expect her to change her ways...it's her house and she's an adult...and I also said I don't expect anyone here to understand...and that's just the way it is. I also said that I believe that I need to find a way to save enough money so that I can move out.
Compared to where I was before--in a town where the booze and beer practically flowed down the streets...I'm at a good place.
It's safer here, but it's not safe enough.
I know it's time for me to move on...there's this pesky thing called money that's getting in the way.
I feel so mixed up...I wanted to buy it so I bought it. I felt better after I bought it...relieved, actually....like it's a safety net (I know, one with holes big enough to fall through).
I don't know why I'm telling anyone this...I thought about disappearing from SR for a while...but I've done that before.
It's funny...I had a really calm talk with my mom last night about it. I didn't hide the bottle from her at all...she asked me if I was going to drink the whole thing tonight. I told her no...in fact I probably wasn't going to touch it that night (and I didn't). I told her about seeing the beer all the time in the house and honestly how hard it is to abstain when everyone else around here is still drinking. I also told her I don't expect her to change her ways...it's her house and she's an adult...and I also said I don't expect anyone here to understand...and that's just the way it is. I also said that I believe that I need to find a way to save enough money so that I can move out.
Compared to where I was before--in a town where the booze and beer practically flowed down the streets...I'm at a good place.
It's safer here, but it's not safe enough.
I know it's time for me to move on...there's this pesky thing called money that's getting in the way.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I hope you throw the bottle out today an don't drink it bam....but
What a wonderous thing that you were able to sit down and camly talk to your mom about all of that! I cannot tell you how many times after I knew i was an alchoholic and that drinking was not gonna be a good idea i felt i had to get drunk in order to say what i needed to say to someone........
This can be a major step forward for you, if you can NOT drink that bottle and throw it out.....Wanna give it a try?
:ghug
What a wonderous thing that you were able to sit down and camly talk to your mom about all of that! I cannot tell you how many times after I knew i was an alchoholic and that drinking was not gonna be a good idea i felt i had to get drunk in order to say what i needed to say to someone........
This can be a major step forward for you, if you can NOT drink that bottle and throw it out.....Wanna give it a try?
:ghug
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
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I'm confused...I don't know if I want to quit.
I know I shouldn't drink. I know that. There's no doubt in my mind that I have a problem (well, several problems).
But there's a big part of me that doesn't want to give this up.
I'm on SR pretty much everyday...and I read a lot of posts from people who have solidly beaten this thing...they have no desire to drink...none of that nonsense. I don't know how they do it...I'm not them. I feel differently...and I’ve always felt this way. That’s probably why I’ve relapsed time and again.
I know I shouldn't drink. I know that. There's no doubt in my mind that I have a problem (well, several problems).
But there's a big part of me that doesn't want to give this up.
I'm on SR pretty much everyday...and I read a lot of posts from people who have solidly beaten this thing...they have no desire to drink...none of that nonsense. I don't know how they do it...I'm not them. I feel differently...and I’ve always felt this way. That’s probably why I’ve relapsed time and again.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Process of illimination...what do you NOT want to do with it?
Sorry bam...gonna push you on this one...through it out. It just isn't worth it.
I know you have access to other alchohol..it's more about what that particular bottle means to you.....I don't know about you, but for me symbols are important.....I'de definately get rid of it
Sorry bam...gonna push you on this one...through it out. It just isn't worth it.
I know you have access to other alchohol..it's more about what that particular bottle means to you.....I don't know about you, but for me symbols are important.....I'de definately get rid of it
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Originally Posted by Bamboozle 
I'm confused...I don't know if I want to quit.
I know I shouldn't drink. I know that. There's no doubt in my mind that I have a problem (well, several problems).
But there's a big part of me that doesn't want to give this up.
I'm on SR pretty much everyday...and I read a lot of posts from people who have solidly beaten this thing...they have no desire to drink...none of that nonsense. I don't know how they do it...I'm not them. I feel differently...and I’ve always felt this way. That’s probably why I’ve relapsed time and again.
I know I shouldn't drink. I know that. There's no doubt in my mind that I have a problem (well, several problems).
But there's a big part of me that doesn't want to give this up.
I'm on SR pretty much everyday...and I read a lot of posts from people who have solidly beaten this thing...they have no desire to drink...none of that nonsense. I don't know how they do it...I'm not them. I feel differently...and I’ve always felt this way. That’s probably why I’ve relapsed time and again.
A month ago, hell 2 weeks ago, I was ready to say what the heck life scks...a drink would be good....I didn't and now things are better...if i had drank...well yeah there are tons of holes in that net....like you said.
I was thinking yesterday as I watched some people trying to be safe....real life is walking the wire without a safety net...course if you need one for now....let us be that for you :ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Originally Posted by Bamboozle
I've been here for almost a year...I lurked for several months before I joined.
I'm not "getting it" like other people here have.
I'm not "getting it" like other people here have.
Your looking for something in a bottle that isn't gonna be there for you anymore....
Take our hand and walk on through this bam (hug)
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by ananda
I know you have access to other alchohol..it's more about what that particular bottle means to you.....I don't know about you, but for me symbols are important.....I'de definately get rid of it
Even if I threw away what I bought, yeah.......I could tear into the 12-pack my mom bought last night while we went out shopping...or finish off the last of what's left of her booze. It's always around. Always. She doesn't have a problem herself, but she does like to have a drink every now and again.
I wish I would have had the idea to stop when I was living in that other place...the thought never crossed my mind. Wait, that's not true. I did quit for one week once...and that was because I thought I called someone important when I had a blackout. After I knew everything was okay I started up again.
I'm not at the point that everyone else is at. I can't get there...I don't know how. I have no peace in my mind about this at all.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by ananda
Your looking for something in a bottle that isn't gonna be there for you anymore....
I have, my entire life, been looking for something that just isn't there for me. It never was about finding a solution...it was about looking for some relief.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm arguing with you, nands. I just need to get this crap out. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. I do appreciate you listening.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Aw bam....where you are at in the process is alright...we each feel inadqeuate to the task in different ways...some just don't show it or admit it....You've made huge progress and you are inspiring a lot of people...the peace of mind comes and goes.....man...it sure means a lot more to me when i see one who isn't exactly having an easy time of it and they go on anyways.
You can be proud of where you are at...and I do believe that there is someone out there who someday is gonna need to know how you got through this today in order for them to survive.
hang on bam we all are right here with you in our hearts even if we aren't all at the keyboard at the moment
You can be proud of where you are at...and I do believe that there is someone out there who someday is gonna need to know how you got through this today in order for them to survive.
hang on bam we all are right here with you in our hearts even if we aren't all at the keyboard at the moment
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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I would never be mad at you for sharing the truth of your expereicnes Bam
(well ok I would, but thats just cause i'm human and you knw....we get bent sometimes)
What you are doing right now is EXACTLY it...you are sorting and speaking WITHOUT an ounce of alchohol in your system.....JEEEEZ thats huge!!!!!
I have friends I watch not do this and it just kills me...I mean I want you to feel better...but your right this getting it out..admitting to why you aren't buying into something...thats improtant...
Keep talking bam...get it all out
(well ok I would, but thats just cause i'm human and you knw....we get bent sometimes)
What you are doing right now is EXACTLY it...you are sorting and speaking WITHOUT an ounce of alchohol in your system.....JEEEEZ thats huge!!!!!
I have friends I watch not do this and it just kills me...I mean I want you to feel better...but your right this getting it out..admitting to why you aren't buying into something...thats improtant...
Keep talking bam...get it all out
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by ananda
You've made huge progress and you are inspiring a lot of people...You can be proud of where you are at...and I do believe that there is someone out there who someday is gonna need to know how you got through this today in order for them to survive.
That's a very sweet thing to say, ananda.
Honestly...I don't want anyone to see me relapse and think it's okay for him/her to relapse, too. I know I can't stay sober for anyone except for myself, but I do know that every word that I write can impact someone. I'm scared of the responsiblity attached to that...and I don't think I can live up to it. I understand that the individual ultimatley decideds what to do...and that no one person can force that individual into using. But....we are social beings...and our actions do impact others.
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