SelfSeeking

"I feel like our relationship is slowly dying."

Yeah. Mkay. Thanks, person who asked me to spend the rest of our lives together.

doorknob

SelfSeeking

I don't feel like drinking... I do feel like puking.

doorknob

I can totally understand that.

SelfSeeking

I was fresh out of a meeting where the topic was "relationships in sobriety" although the shares were more about friendships than partners. I know there have been a lot of changes in the last number of months, and we're living apart while I do school and he does his thing, but being engaged gave me a sense of security that he could tolerate something relatively short term. He is not. I know he feels betrayed that I'm not leaving school and work, not to mention a really healthy and supportive community I'm getting a firm sobriety basis with, and moving to be with him. (No mind reading, he's said so.)

I dunno what to do.

windysan

Hang in there. I agree that is a 5hitty thing to text. Don't use.

Fubarcdn

Long distance relationships are tough.
Maybe he is just looking for some reassurance.
Have you phoned him since you got the text?
He just said he thinks it is dying not that it is dead.
I would call him and see exactly what he means. He might just be lonely.

In any case I feel for you. Hope it works out.

ElChupacabra

Did the drinking affect the relationship in any way?

SelfSeeking

LOL Chupa... Drinking effected everything! I would say, though, that drinking was something we did together. He was pretty comfortable "taking care of me" through times when I got too too drunk and through horrible hangovers. I don't think he understands how bad my drinking was, just how much I drank after he went to bed, and how drunk I was getting. We would have sex that I didn't remember the next day and I'd pretend like I did, just gathering clues he would drop in conversation. (I'm still too embarrassed about that to talk to him about it.)

I have about 3.5 months- ok who am I kidding, I have 115 days, yes I keep track- of continuous sobriety. I was sober 2 months and relapsed in October. Basically I got sober when I moved away to get back to school in August. We have had vacations together since then but I haven't lived with him since getting sober. I don't know if he really knows me anymore.

SelfSeeking

I am trying to think of something positive to do today. I was set to go to the DMV but that's not very fun. Although doing responsible things does feel good... Yeah I'll do that. Take care of some business.

ElChupacabra

Why haven't you lived with him? Does he actually know about the alcoholism or did he just think you were a "bit of a drinker" like him?

ElChupacabra

Go see a movie!

allport

What to do next depends upon how you feel about the relationship and what he has done.

Damn I feel so angry and betrayed on your behalf I want to give him a slap.

Whatever you do don't drink, take care of yourself

TryingSoHard

You're right, that's a crappy thing for someone to tell you in a text. Have you talked to him (on the phone or at least in IM in more detail) since that text?

Long distance relationships are hard - no doubt - but they are not impossible. I was in one for 2 years and 4 months and it ended with us getting married.

Some good points have been raised, though: you're changing - you're growing in your sobriety, you're (re)learning things about yourself, you're doing everything you're doing for school and your career - and he's not there to share that with you. That makes things more difficult. It doesn't mean you can't get past it, though. You just have to pay extra attention to the time you DO have together. Communication is oh-so-important.

I hope you don't puke, but I certainly understand what that feeling is like. :ghug2

Dee74

(((K))))

men can suck.

D

SelfSeeking

TSH, I called him and he didn't pick up shortly after I got the text- well, after I posted on SR and called my sponsor That was great, him dropping this bomb via text while he was at work and couldn't actually talk, you know? So I went about my day. I got my eye exam done and new contact lenses, and then I took care of my DMV stuff. I just ate some tasty spinach ravioli and sauce from my local Italian grocery and I will be going to my meeting in about half an hour.

I did text back finally, although I REALLY do not want to communicate about this through sms, that if he felt that way we needed to work on "us" and find ways to keep connected. Then he texted BACK (god am I in HS or what, I am too old for this bullsh!t) saying he'd "tried to quit but they really like him and don't want him too, so he didn't". Ummmm ok tiger. Great. I feel like he's yanking me around. This kind of flakiness doesn't bode well for our future.

All in all: :wtf2

Thanks for the sympathy... Dee, wtf is up with men?? Explain yourselves!

Bamboozle

SS, I don't know what to say.

TryingSoHard

I totally agree: this is not the type of conversation you want to have limited to 160 characters at a time, filled with LOLSpeak. I actually know a couple who just broke up largely due to the girl's unwillingness to answer her phone and TALK rather than just send texts all the time. Of course there was more to it than just that, but that was a big issue for him and she wouldn't even acknowledge it.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope you get to TALK to him soon and can get a better feel for what's really going on and where his head is. Many hugs for you.

yeahgr8

You keep working on your recovery! You are doing great and have to do anything and everything to keep wober for you. Anyone worth having that want to be part of your life will slot into it and add value to it, as much as you will to theirs.

As a man if you want contact, text him that you have been meaning to talk to him anyway as you fear he may be gay, i can guarantee he will call you;-)

TryingSoHard