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Old 02-20-2009, 04:03 PM
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Umm, yeah, that sucks! I hope he begins to communicate and you guys can work things out. But right now, you are your priority!
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Old 02-20-2009, 04:22 PM
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I can explain nothing K...we sign an agreement LOL
:ghug3

D
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Old 02-20-2009, 06:44 PM
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Finally got SO on the phone. Turns out he's not so much threatening to break up with me as he is hating his job/life right now to the point of suicidal depression.

*sigh* Major trigger... I had a friend suicide after I tried so hard to "save" him. He still haunts me after 2 years. I asked SO if he felt safe to himself and he said "most of the time".

[email protected], I feel so... that is so manipulative. What is wrong with me that this is happening to me again. It's confusing, I love him so much but I hate him right now for scaring me like that.
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Old 02-20-2009, 08:03 PM
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:ghug3

It's not your job to "save" him, honey. I know you know that - I'm just sayin.

Many hugs and well-wishes being sent your way.
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Old 02-21-2009, 11:05 AM
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My strong suspicion today is that I am a bad, unlikable, crazy person who will always have these people in my life putting me through hell because a basically stable person could never tolerate being in a romantic relationship with me.
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Old 02-21-2009, 12:53 PM
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That's not true at all, K. :ghug3 I understand why you might think that or feel like that, given the circumstances (because I would probably think it, too, if it were happening to me) but trust me - it's not how the rest of the world sees you.
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Old 02-21-2009, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
That's not true at all, K. :ghug3 I understand why you might think that or feel like that, given the circumstances (because I would probably think it, too, if it were happening to me) but trust me - it's not how the rest of the world sees you.
I agree. If you want to have a self-bashing (sick of that word, lol) contest, I could think of a million reasons why I am a loser.
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Old 02-21-2009, 12:57 PM
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Oh, SS.
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:00 PM
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I know self-bashing is not helpful. I'm trying not to get sucked into that particular sewer. It's just that I see this pattern repeating and you know what they say, you have to look at what all of the situations have in common... that'd be me...
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:16 PM
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oh man i literally JUST read an article on askmen.com about all of the texts not to send this definitely falls into that category..

it also reminds me of that sex & the city episode (yes, i watch that show, don't hate) where burger leaves carrie a break up note via POST IT!! "i'm sorry, i can't, don't hate me."

honestly, i am so sorry you had to get that text message..there's no excuse. some things are easier not said in person, in that case, don't say them at all; rather, wait until you are brave enough to say them in person.
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Old 02-21-2009, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by SelfSeeking View Post
I know self-bashing is not helpful.

It's not...I'm guilty of that much of the time. In any given situation I make myself aware that I'm doing the best I can...and that I should cut myself a break.

SS...honestly, I have not met ONE PERSON who has it all put together. EVERYONE has some issues, and in this instance that doesn't neccessarily mean it's you:


Turns out he's not so much threatening to break up with me as he is hating his job/life right now to the point of suicidal depression.


Read that sentence again if you have to. He's going through something right now and it sounds to me like he needs some help. This is not your fault.
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Old 02-21-2009, 03:52 PM
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It's all about you this year, and i'm sorry to say that everything and that means everything else must take a back seat. So yeah, feel bad for him, feel bad sometimes for yourself but that must not interfere with your recovery. I know he's your fiancee but please remember this, there is no measure to the extent that you have to believe this to have the life you deserve.

Wow i don't know where that all came from but i think it's good advice?!
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Old 02-21-2009, 04:43 PM
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We used to "joke" that we were good at taking turns at going through crisis- only one of us was allowed to fall apart at a time.

I never thought about what would happen if I stopped falling apart?

I mean... knock on wood and all... it's only been a few months sober, but things keep evening out more and more with me. I feel myself getting stronger and growing up. And it's not like it's been smooth sailing, sh!t has definitely gone down once or twice, but I have kept on keeping on. I haven't fallen apart. I haven't needed rescuing. And the best thing, I haven't picked up. I did everything without alcohol. Never thought this kind of life was possible, so maybe I don't have to fall apart like that anymore. That's hard to picture.

What happens with us, then?

I feel like here's where one day at a time comes in handy, as well as my good friend the serenity prayer.
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Old 02-23-2009, 06:14 AM
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That ******* ******* just sent me another text... angry that I failed that class and am not graduating on time... we've talked on the phone three times and skyped once in the last 3 days and he talked about NONE of this! Last night he called me to breathe into the phone and say he wanted to die because he's lonely. But that he was safe and I shouldn't call an ambulance when I said I wanted to. The text this morning was in response to me calling this am, it went to voicemail and I told him if I didn't hear back in an hour I was calling his job to get them to check on him.

I can't change last summer and the fact that I'm graduating a year late. It has taken a looooong time to learn how to live with these facts. I have said I was sorry to him (and myself!!) a million times. I try to make up for it by doing the right things now... but it's not enough and now it seems like it will never be enough because he doesn't want it to be, he wants to go back in time and change it and I can't do that.

This sucks, this sucks, this sucks. If I had gotten sober last summer none of this would be happening.
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:50 AM
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Hi SS,

If I had gotten sober last summer none of this would be happening.
Wouldn't it?

First off you are getting sober now! And that is wonderful! The past is gone.

Secondly, if you had got sober whenever and graduated whenever he might be having his drama over something else. There is more going on here, like depression or maybe he is being a controlling baby....one or the other, neither of which are your fault!
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:53 AM
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Oh sweetie,

You are beating yourself up WAY too much for no reason. These are HIS issues, NOT YOURS. You have already accepted responsibility and made changes in your life for your issues. You are healing yourself and making lots of really good progress.

I don't know what his deal is and why he is acting the way he is acting, but it sounds to me like he is manipulating you and your emotions. I'm sorry he's upset you have to retake a class, but has he considered how that has made YOU feel?? Sure, it must suck for him to have to wait a little bit longer to be with you, but you actually have to do the work and take the class and finish school - and deal with all of the arrangements necessary to do so (not to mention the loans, etc to pay for school). He could be supporting you and encouraging you, but instead he's choosing to act like a 5-year old with no patience or tolerance.

That's not YOURS, it's HIS. You're right - you can't change the past, and it won't do either of you any good to sit around and wish you could. You're doing the right thing by having a positive attitude, moving forward, and doing what needs to be done. That's all you can do.

Definitely do not tell yourself that if you had gotten sober last summer this wouldn't be happening now. You don't know that at all. He might not be flipping out about this extra semester, but I bet it would be *something*. If he's this depressed and unstable, you not being in school right now wouldn't magically fix it. There'd still be life to deal with, and there are always going to be parts of life that are unfair or uncomfortable or no fun.

:ghug3
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Old 02-23-2009, 04:22 PM
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Thanks for the support. I feel all hollowed out inside.
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Old 02-25-2009, 09:56 PM
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How ya doin', SS?
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Old 02-25-2009, 10:15 PM
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Ummm... confuzled. He called me tonight absolutely gleeful, some things got switched around at this work to make for a more humane schedule, plus a couple weeks off. He's coming to visit next month. I just... hm. It was such a dramatic shift and it was like all the crap that's been flying in the last few months never happened. Things are crazy.

It makes me sad to admit it but I'm very afraid to trust him. Yesterday everything was my fault and he wants to kill himself, today he got some time off work so there's not a problem in the world?

My... oh it's hard to even type this, but here it is, my connection with my HP feels all shook up, my peace of mind has left the building. I feel... scattered.
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Old 02-25-2009, 10:20 PM
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My gf can get totally psycho. Do what you gotta do to take care of yourself, SS.
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