Breaking down and going to an AA meeting :(

Old 01-25-2009, 10:54 AM
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Breaking down and going to an AA meeting :(

Well, I think I've hit the wall. I've done nothing but sit on this forum since Monday. I've only left the house for cigarettes and have lived in sweats. Each day that goes by it's going to get harder to venture out of this house. going to break down and go to a meeting where no one knows me. I am going to sit there quietly and just see how it feels. Wish me well...
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:02 AM
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Good luck Katie. I hope there is something in it for you at the meeting. Let us know how it went?
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:09 AM
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That must be the same wall I keep bashing into......

good for you and the meeting, I bet you find relief!
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Fubarcdn View Post
Good luck Katie. I hope there is something in it for you at the meeting. Let us know how it went?
Thanks. If nothing else it will force me to put on normal clothes. It's day 5 and I am feeling really depressed - not depressed enough to think a drink will make it better - just depressed. Anyone else really depressed in the beginning?

I have my appt with my shrink tomorrow too and don't know what to do. If I tell him the truth, he may not see me anymore. If I don't tell him the truth...well, I dunno. I have been taking a mood stabilizer with strong anti-depressant properties but am only at half the dosage I was at at one time - have to work up slowly.

At any rate, thanks for listening
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:13 AM
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Ah, Katie, I wish I could go with you and hold your hand.

That's the way it was for me, too. I was glued to the computer and SR, but knew I had to get moving as I was climbing out of my skin. Nothing here but AA for face-to-face support.

So I went. I never had to raise my hand or identify myself or speak. Just being open and listening is pretty much all I've ever done.

I hope you find a meeting that's comfortable for YOU. If it's not, go to a different one. At least you'll have gotten out of the house, and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.

I'm thinking of you.

Big hug,
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:28 AM
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God is leading the way!!!
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plz. hang in their don't give up whatever is going on shall pass. Always remember that even when you dont see the sun its always above the clouds...The sun will come out tomorrow and it will be a brighter day...just believe.
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:33 AM
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Katie, I go to one or two meetings a week for the same reason you mentioned. It gets me out of the house and among people. They also help remind me I am an alcoholic.
Ignore any stuff that might annoy you and listen out for things you can use or identify with. The people at the meetings I go to are a lot less intense about AA than the ones on SR, lol.

You are doing a good thing for you and your recovery!
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:43 AM
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I hope you can find the similarities in those sitting with you.
Best wishes and good luck!
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Old 01-25-2009, 11:47 AM
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Katie, my dear, why the sad face? You seem to be thinking that you have failed or something because you are going to an AA Meeting. I see it as quite the opposite.

What's so bad about walking into a room full of people who have been exactly where you are? It seems to me like some people think that they are walking into a room full of sad stories or people bragging about how much they could drink or feeling like they don't belong. I remember the first meeting I attempted to go to was at a Church, I was 18 years old and had a hangover from hell. I can't tell you how many times I drove into the parking lot, made a big ole circle and pulled back out on the street. I noticed one guy, who I thought was the Priest or something kept watching me out of the corner of his eye. I thought,"Oh, this is friggin' great, I've got Father Holier than Thou here, waiting for me to get out of the car so he can tell me that I'm going to hell." With that, I left.

About a week later, I felt like I had nothing left to loose, I again had another hang over and most of the night before was a huge blur. The blackouts had began already and I was truly scared. I went to the building where the meeting was and was so glad to see that there wasn't any Priests or Nuns waiting for me to save my soul.

I got the courage to walk in, well, in all honesty, I had to pee so bad that I didn't care. After I used the bathroom, I was shaking so bad, too scared to walk back by the room full of "those people," to get to the exit. I slid into the room and sat at the first seat, just inside the doorway so I could bail out as soon as my knees quit knocking and no one was looking. I remember hearing someone say it was a lead meeting, whatever that meant. Ok, someone's going to be leading the Prayers and kumbyahs or something. Then, when I thought that things couldn't have gotten any worse, the guy who I thought was the Priest at the Church the week before stood up and introduced himself by first name and said he was an alcoholic. I was floored.

As this man began telling "his story," I will never forget the feelings that overwhelmed me at that time. This man seemed to be able to find the words to express everything I was feeling at that time in my life. How could this guy, who was about 50 years old and looked as though he had never been daring enough to drink his coffee black was sharing how his drinking had left him homeless and penniless. He ended up spending several years in prison for armed robbery in a blackout. But here he was, standing there, able to own all of his $hit and be happy. Ok, what's he doing, some good dope now? NOPE!

He had just celebrated 15 years in Recovery. At that minute I knew I wanted what he had. No matter how much I tried to act like the reason my eyes were watering was because I had an eyelash in my eye, I had to admit to myself that I was experiencing something I had never felt before in my life.

A sense of belonging.

Please don't look at going to a Meeting as some kind of failure on your part. It's quite the opposite. You are going to meet people just like us here on SR who are able to be there for you every step of the way on your journey.

In this case, being a quitter is making you a winner.

Just remember, take with you what you find helpful and leave the rest. You're not going to agree with everyone, but many of the things you hear will be of benefit to you.

God Bless,
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Old 01-25-2009, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
Thanks. If nothing else it will force me to put on normal clothes. It's day 5 and I am feeling really depressed - not depressed enough to think a drink will make it better - just depressed. Anyone else really depressed in the beginning?
I'm 3.5 weeks in and I spent the first ten days or so crying at the drop of a hat, no energy, and lethargic. I barely left the house and when I did, I did not speak to anyone if I could help it. I was bored, took no interest in anything, and it was an effort to sit upright on the couch, let alone walk around the house. My laptop basically sat on the coffee table with SR on the screen, hitting refresh every few minutes. Days 5 and 6 were the worst I think and it started to taper off after that.

It gets better, I promise. Hang in there, and see going to an AA meeting as an attempt to triumph over your addiction. Even if you don't want to go, if it could help you stay sober it's worth a try. Best of luck, and let us know how it goes.
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Old 01-25-2009, 12:04 PM
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Hi katie

You should tell your shrink everything IMO. It's great that you are going out to a meeting, i hope you enjoy it...i'm sure you will and won't if you get my meaning!

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Old 01-25-2009, 12:04 PM
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Good Luck with your meeting Katie. :ghug3

And good luck with your shrink, keep us posted.

If face to face support is what you need then grab it with both hands, it's not a case of breaking down it's a case of taking responsibility for your recovery and doing anything that will help you through.

I completely relate to your post I haven't left the house in days apart from to go to the shop and then i just put a skirt on over my pjs.

Its the clothes for me tomorrow too. x
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Old 01-25-2009, 12:19 PM
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Thank you all so much. I've got a headache and feel achy. I was feeling pretty normal those first 4 days but not today. I decided to just lay down and watch TV, which is a rarity for me.

The guys are here working on my yard so I think I'll stick around until they are done, which will be a long time, as I've let things go (now there's a SHOCKER). They'll be here past meeting time and honestly I don't feel so well so maybe I will just stay home and get some rest.

I have a question - what would you do if you were me? I've been with my shrink for five years and pretty much lying to him the whole time about my drinking. I have this friend who is a normie who keeps telling me to tell him the whole truth, even if it means he refers me out to another Dr. I don't WANT another Dr. I've seen shrinks and this one is the best. It's my fault I've been lying to him, nothing to do with him, and now that I'm on the straight and narrow why should I have to admit I have been lying for five years? I do plan to tell him I went off the deep end last weekend and that I am not going to drink anymore. I am really irritated about this as I referred HER to HIM and she goes to see him. Maybe she means well, but still. This is a Dr. who could refer me out over liability issues. I don't see why I should cut off my nose to spite my face, or however that saying goes.

At any rate, I am bugged today. Not bugged enough to pick up a drink, however. I may just wait until the guys leave and go to Costco. I need coffee. Hey, maybe that's why I have a headache. No coffee today. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
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Old 01-25-2009, 12:26 PM
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I'm just a little unwell
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Hi honey,

I think you need to 'fess up and tell your shrink the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Apologize for being dishonest in the past. Say that you recognize now that it was doing you no good and you need to come clean. Tell him you're coming to terms with your alcohol issues and you really don't want to lose his role in your recovery.

You're right - he might still ditch you. And that would stink. But it's not right to go on continue lying to him. He can't properly help you if you're dishonest with him. You say, "now that I'm on the straight and narrow why should I have to admit I've been lying for the past 5 years?" Because that's the beginning of how to PROVE you're on the straight and narrow - to him AND to yourself. "Straight and narrow" doesn't usually include lying to people who are trying to help you, honey.

I wish you'd still try to get to that meeting today. I think it would do you more good than you expect. I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*
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Old 01-25-2009, 06:51 PM
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The truth shall set you free. If your Dr. refers you out to another Dr., hopefully, it will be with your best interest in mind. Your Dr. may have suspected that you were drinking more than you were admitting to in the first place. It could be possible that your Dr. will be happy that you have gotten to the point of honesty and acceptance and are seeking recovery. Don't worry about what may happen, but go with the truth. Seek recovery and I hope you don't put off going to a meeting for two long. There are many excuses as to why we can't go or shouldn't go, but excuses won't make as well, taking action will. Good luck!
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Old 01-26-2009, 04:07 AM
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I agree, go with the truth. It may have consequences, but it's better to be honest. What happens from there is partly up to you, partly out of your control, but a basis of honesty is the right way to go about it.

As for the meeting - give it a go! What's the worst that could happen? You might even enjoy it! There may be some irrational fears going on there somewhere - give it a try and see what happens. If you don't like that particular meeting you could always try a different one.
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Old 01-26-2009, 04:09 AM
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Katie....the truth is always best!!!! Best of luck at your meeting!!!
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Old 01-26-2009, 10:15 PM
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update... I was honest with him and he brought up the notion of terminating our relationship. He wasn't happy with me at all. He told me his other patients tell him if they are still drinking. What can I say. I think he would have dumped me before if I fessed up. Plus, I hope he realizes how serious I am about this. He said he'd get a second opinion from an addictionologist. So help me God, if that addictionologist recommends AA I am finished. As things stand, I don't want another Dr. The last shrink I had was abusive and I didn't know it until I joined his therapy group and all of a sudden he was much nicer to me. Anyway, I am thinking about writing him a letter in advance of our next appt. My plan is if he dumps me to not see another Dr., take the meds I have, and then screw it.

I went to AA and felt worse coming out than going in. I heard two people be real (a 20 year old said she didn't think she'd have a problem if she drank again - honest and highly unpopular thing to say in a meeting). The other guy was 19 days sober and said the room was scaring the hell out of him. That while they were all inspirational, he needed more. He said he was having a problem with the HP notion and asked for help with this.

I'm going to bed after this bad day. Thanks for all your posts.
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Old 01-27-2009, 07:04 AM
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Thanks for the update Katie. The meeting that you went to doesn't sound like anything I would want to go to.
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Fubarcdn View Post
Thanks for the update Katie. The meeting that you went to doesn't sound like anything I would want to go to.
No. My therapist was looking through the AA brochure yesterday and found another meeting for me at noon. I told her I'd go. I guess one CAN reach the point of no return with regards to AA and I've reached that point. Someone in a thread said it was insane to keep repeating the same thing over expecting different results. Well, thats' what I've been doing with AA for over three decades. Aside from those two people who I thought were real and not saying what I've heard in so many AA meetings, I only heard two other people talk about present day circumstances as it relates to acceptance. The others talked about the past. I don't care about the past. What I want to hear is how great your life is, WITH SPECIFICS, today as a result of attending AA.

I went to an AA meeting in another town. This woman kept saying we wouldn't believe how great her life was now that she found AA. I kept thinking, please tell us! but she didn't give one reason why or how her life was so much better.
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