Blogs


Notices

New sobriety and marriage....

Old 01-19-2009, 12:46 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
New sobriety and marriage....


Went into detox center last Monday night. I was there till Wed afternoon.(I didnt need meds so they released me early.) I got home and spent Wednesday evening with my huzzy and then Thursday too. He left Friday morning for a planned solo vacation. We have talked on the phone each day but I am nervous about what it will be like when he comes home. I was drinking every night for about 2 years so things are going to be different obviously. Just during the little time I spent with him before he left he got on my nerves pulling the sh*t that he does that drives me NUTS. I know that he is a trigger for me. I have been doing well this past week. Today is my 8th day sober, I feel good, like I am returning from a long horrible vacation from myself. I am scared that I will have to choose between being around my husband or being sober. I know what I will choose, I am just hoping not to have to make that decision. Any thoughts?
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 01:08 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Welcome!! Congrats on 8 days. I don't think it is a matter of deciding between your sobriety and you husband...it's deciding between sobriety and drinking. "Triggers" are every where...it's natural in early sobriety to feel emotions that make you want to drink...car broke down...husband is annoying me...kids making too much noise...bills need to be paid....the list goes on and on. Sobriety is about making the right choice given the circumstances. For someone who can't drink with out horrible consequences I choose to abstain....even when it is hard...even when I think I may explode...I chose sobriety. If you want it you can achieve it...afterall, free of physical addiction you are in control. Best of luck and keep posting!
bugsworth is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 01:32 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Resident
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
It could be a chance to work on and improve your relationship. Maybe he isn't even aware that what he does is bugging you. Think positive and your relationship may be better than it ever was.
Fubarcdn is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 08:00 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,407
Blog Entries: 1
just give it some time....my son and i get along well now
Ananda is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 09:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
☯ ⓌⒾⓁⓁ☯
 
Zencat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 8,279
Blog Entries: 12
I have come to believe that recovery includes treatment for all those that are close to you. Its a personal and family disease/disorder. BTW WTG on 8 days and welcome to the forum.
Zencat is offline  
Old 01-21-2009, 09:12 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
Thanks!

Thanks for all the wisdom, sharing.....I sort of had an epiphany last night. I just need to concentrate on my life and what I am doing including but not limited to how I react to certain situations, even when I feel like I have been pushed to the limit. Before he comes home I decided that I am going to make a coping strategy so that WHEN he drives me NUTS I will know exactly what to do besides get all up in my head about it which in turn makes me want to drink. Dont get me wrong, hes a great person but he can push my buttons like all SOs can. Till now I haven't had a healthy way to deal with the feelings that it dredges up, feeling helpless, lonely, trapped....but I know I can live this better, I am going to make a plan. Thanks again guys!:ghug
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 11:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
Well it was a great idea, however I never got around to it and huzzy is home now, he came in last night. He seemed really wanting to reconnect last night and I felt like cuddling but he wanted to get intense and I just wasnt feeling it. He cried. I tried to talk to him but he ended up wanting his space so he rolled over and went to sleep. I was left feeling "WHAT? just happened?" This morning, before we could have a chance to talk about last night we had a tiff at the breakfast table. I am not sure if I am crazy or what. When ever I get upset with him he ussually gives me this intent look and says "Theres nothing to be upset about.." It drives me crazy! To me it feels like he cant let me feel my own feelings, hes so uncomfortable with them that he has to fix them or make them stop. At least that is my perspective. He says that he is trying to make me feel better.....that is not how it feels to me. So I calmly explain this, that while I appreciate the thought it is not in fact helping and could he not say that to me anymore. Then he gets dramatic, "oh fine I wont say anythign about how you feel anymore, nothing at all you dont have to worry about it." In my head I am screaming "FU*K!!!!!!!!!!" I had to do a time out and let me tell you that I havent really wanted to drink in the last 11 days till today which is my 12th. So I went and showered and came straight upstairs to vent here!!!!!!!!!!!! Any thoughts, opinions? Am I crazy? This is what I meant by driving me NUTS.
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 12:06 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Well, excellent! on coming here to vent. Great work! You are on day 12. Remember detox. I too went once and never want to return. Keep posting here. It really helps! Oh, and no you are not crazy. How long have you been married? Longer than two years?
Katie09 is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 02:00 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
Aghhhhh!

We've been together for almost 6 years and have been married for a year and a half. ughhh so depressing to think about the way our relationship used to be compared to what it is now. Im not even gonna think about it. I've been looking on the web for a counselor but man....either they have no education or they want an arm and a leg and my cat to see them for an hour.....this day isnt my favorite day so far.....
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 04:28 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
sentient puddle
 
spark42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Essex, UK
Posts: 180
I've never been married, and i'm certainly no expert on relationships, but early sobriety is a time of very strong emotions, especially without alcohol to numb them, blot them out, etc.

I'd be wary of making any major changes or decisions whilst things are still very early for you. Put your sobriety first - perhaps stay with friends or family and give yourself some space.

It might give you both a chance to evaluate things. You might then see a way forward, relationship counselling perhaps.

You need to concentrate on you right now. Just my humble opinion of course! I wish you well, whatever you choose.
spark42 is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 06:50 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Never settle.
 
gneiss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Originally Posted by vividserenity View Post
ughhh so depressing to think about the way our relationship used to be compared to what it is now...this day isnt my favorite day so far.....
I'm not winning any awards for having the relationship of the year and I'm not married. My boyfriend and I used to have FUN together. Once the beer started to take over, and then the drugs, we were totally different people. The first couple weeks of sobriety has been rough. I'm about 3 weeks in. The crazy emotionality has started to go away in the last few days. This seems like the worst possible time to make major decisions about relationships, especially since alcohol has put so much pressure on those relationships.

Keep up the good work! You are almost past the worst of it, be patient. Take a walk if you can and eat some fruit. That seems to help me. Good luck!
gneiss is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 08:31 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
I ended up leaving after another battle. Went to a movie with a friend. Thanks for all the support. He had been gone till last night and I have almost two weeks sober. I have a routine sort of and it did not include getting all up in my head about who did what who owes who what etc etc. Spark you are right and I am doing all that I can to concentrate on whatever I need in the moment to keep me sober, if that means leaving for a bit then thats the plan. Im just not sure how I feel about him right now and I think he senses that and it makes him nervous Im sure, but I will not fake feelings that arent there. I need more time alone I think, that or I just dont want to deal with this, hmmm not sure which. Anyway thanks again for the support, it is soooo needed.
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 08:39 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
God is leading the way!!!
 
Amazonqueen522's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 245


My suggestion to you would be that you communicate with him and let him know how you feel. I know that if he loves you he will make all the adjustments neccesary to make things easier for you...it takes a little work but you will get there with time...be patient and remember your in this together, for better or worse in sickness and in health...

Good luck:ghug
Amazonqueen522 is offline  
Old 01-24-2009, 09:26 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Never settle.
 
gneiss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Originally Posted by vividserenity View Post
Im just not sure how I feel about him right now and I think he senses that and it makes him nervous Im sure, but I will not fake feelings that arent there. I need more time alone I think, that or I just dont want to deal with this, hmmm not sure which. Anyway thanks again for the support, it is soooo needed.
Communicate with him but try not to pressure yourself too much. You're dealing with a lot right now. I did not talk to my boyfriend for a week because it was too hard for me to stay sober and deal with him, too.
gneiss is offline  
Old 01-25-2009, 12:27 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
December15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Brighton UK
Posts: 328
Best of luck with your sobriety - as ananda said, just give it time.

Last edited by December15; 01-25-2009 at 12:49 AM.
December15 is offline  
Old 01-27-2009, 10:38 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
So we've talked a little about what I was feeling and he seemed to understand. Tonight we will go out on a date for the first time in....I cant remember.... Im excited but nervous, I dont want to get my hopes up about connecting, hes not exactly the romantic type. I did tell him he had to bring me a flower though... For the most part I am trying to concentrate on myself but man it was so much easier to be drunk and blame him for my unhappiness....ughhh how pathetic. Then I didn't have to actually live my life I could sit back and say, see its all your fault I'm miserable, NOW CHANGE. Bet this post makes me seem like an @ss and that's because I am when I drink to much. This was not supposed to be a "Confessions of an @ss: What really happens when you get drunk every night" With that I will close....
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-28-2009, 08:15 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
So on another subject but related. We moved out here 5 years ago, (out here being about 25 minutes from a major town). I know that part of the reason why I started drinking so much was out of boredom. There isn't anything to do out here, there really isn't any people out here our age. My husband is perfectly happy to be here for weeks at a time, (that was before he started surfing) but I need to have town time if you will. I tried driving into town alot and honestly it just doesn't fill the need for me. I like people, I like being around people, and I like being in town, being able to walk or bike to the store and go to a movie without it taking an entire day. I have thought about renting a place in town on my own, like a room or something. I fear though that it will separate my huzzy and I to much. However, this is a need that I have not a want and I don't think I will be happy without it. This is a huge cause of stress for me. Im just not sure what to do.
lunarise is offline  
Old 01-28-2009, 08:29 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
6/20/08
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Early sobriety is sooo very difficult. Take it easy. Take is slow. And, Breathe!

A big congrats on your sober time. It gets soooo much easier. I promise.
coffeenut is offline  
Old 03-30-2009, 10:02 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
 
lunarise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Blog Entries: 10
Just wanted to say that I am so thankful for all the "take it slow" advice...things are sooo much better now between us! It also helped that he is moderating his smoking now. I really thought ya all were a little loopy with the whole...just wait a while..no rash decisions...but you we right. Thanks alot guys you rock!

:ghug
lunarise is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:02 AM.