gneiss

It'll be a cold day in Hell before I lend him $5. I have sort of written it off, as mentioned above, as a pricey lesson about drugs. I'm not ready to write him off though. Sometimes I wonder if our whole relationship was based on the fact that he needed drug money. I feel like an idiot, and I feel like he could tell that I was an idiot the moment he met me.

And to top it all off I have a friend I'm terribly worried about. He's been drinking heavily for a couple years. He keeps taking pills too though, took 11 hydrocodone last night. I read today a list of OD symptoms and he had about half of them last night. I told him today I was worried. Ages ago I said if he kept it up he would be dead in 5 years. Now I'm worried about him making it to the summer alive. He told me that was fine with him, he'd prefer that to anything else. I don't know what to do, but it scares me and of course, who would I normally lean on for a little support in such a situation? That's right. BF. And he's not talking to me.

Last night my old dealer called, too. I had deleted his number from my phone and if I'd known it was him I would not have answered. All the stress made me want to buy some coke from him but I did not. I don't know whether to save the number so I know who is calling or not. It's weird, the last two big fights BF and I have had, I have heard from one or other of my dealers in the middle of it. Like fate is taunting me or something. Fickle little git.

Fubarcdn

It is so good that you didn't buy when the devil came knocking so to speak.
I don't want to be the devil's advocate but I can't resist. Does your BF know these two dealers too? Maybe he suggested that they give you a call and let him know if you bought. If you did he would promptly call back and make up and come over and share your stash with you. I am not saying that this is what happened but I do know how scheming a druggie can be when they are using. I was a meth addict a long time ago(30 years free from that) and I remember how I would use any method possible to get that next hit.
I hope your BF can get clean but for your own sanity I doubt you will be able to keep him if he can't.
Once again congrats on resisting and stay strong. :ghug3

Ananda

hey guys....got 4 hours sleep last night gonna try to get a few more hours in in a second....sigh

all is ok, just lots to do and not doing it....

Bamboozle

Same here. Hugs to ananda and gneiss


I'm still sober. I can't believe it.

Cross your fingers for me. I'm all emotional PLUS my Steelers are playing today. That's a bad combo. The plan is to gorge myself on food so I feel too sick to drink.

allport

Enjoy your feast Bam and good luck to the Steelers.

You deserve a good day after all the crap you have had to put up with lately.

:ghug3

gneiss

Whoa cdn. You must be on my wavelength, in some way. Last night after I posted I thought of something similar. BF knows both those dealers. I was wondering if he had asked them to call me. It is unlikely that he would come up (a 3-hour drive) to use with me but he sure might call and start being nice or convince me to go visit him. I don't *think* he would do that, but the timing is weird. The inverse is that if he really is not using he could have called them to see if I'm still using and use that as another reason to pick a fight next time around.

I feel like I don't have any energy lately, all of it is going to worrying about these two guys and I am always tired and sort of uninterested in things. I'm starting to feel depressed and the longer this goes on the worse it is. Just like Bilbo I feel like butter scraped over too much bread.

Thanks for the hugs and encouragement, everyone.

spark42

Glad to hear you're all well, especially nands, bam, and gneiss - tough times are a struggle i know! :ghug

Fubarcdn

Let's hope the reverse is true. I guess I still think more like an addict than a recovering addict. If you find out this is the case that would be fantastic. It would mean not only has he quit but he deeply cares about you too. Hang on to that thought if it gives you hope:ghug3

Ananda

My mom called with some good financial news possibly..not settled yet...that will ease some of my stress so I feel good about that...even if it doesn't pan out, i won't be worried about it for the next few days

didn't get more sleep as am wide awake....but hopefully that will change soon as this med i stop wears off....

You know i only had one drinking thought all through this and that was yesterday afternoon when it was at it's worse. Instead of posting about wanting to drink (and it was not a strong intrusive thought at that point) I posted about the crap going on around me and it really helped. So i recomend it.

18mos and you know...with all thats going on I'm not doing so bad at sorting it out. Bam...it does get better over time, just slowly..then you have moments where you go ah ha...wow look at how diferent things are (regardless of how much is left to go) and there is a feeling of satisfaction that you are "on a road that is really going somewhere"...sorry bb quote (lol) but when it's right its right

I'll check in after i acomplish some goals :ghug

lunarise

Checkin in, spent the night with a friend, huzzy and I fought about whether or not he was willing to stop smoking pot everyday. I cant live with someone who is using anything everyday. Of course he tried to tell me that I am just trying to control him, which I know is not true, I can barely manage myself right now let alone want to dictate his every move. I got so mad I preceded to act like an infant, I covered my ears and yelled I cant hear you I cant hear you. Wow so mature! I guess I dont know how to fight sober anymore without acting 5. SO he returned the favor and at that point I left. Tomorrow is 3 weeks, 21 days. Its getting easier and harder. I am happy right now except for my marriage. I dont know whether to concentrate on making things better or on preparing to get out. I HATE feeling like I am in limbo. Hope everyone is having a fantabulish day!

gneiss

:ghug3 for you, vividserenity. You sound like you need one as much as I do.

Heck, while I'm at it :ghug for everyone.

Ananda

awwww vividserinity...i act about 5 alot too...we just work on it it takes a lot longer than 3 weeks to retrain our selves and under stress we resort to the past patterns....

I did something right with my interactions with my son today, but it took me 18 most to get here.

I appreciate everything i have today, but some parts do go slowly (hug)

Ananda

I'm finally genuinely tired after a week of little sleep....and have to finish a report ... will take about 8 hours...due at 8 tomarrow....

I think after i eat i'll take a nap and set my alarm for 12 midnite....catch about 4 hours sleep...I could probably sleep all night, but doesn't it figure lol

hope to see some of you around :ghug

gneiss

Good luck on your paper, ananda.

I like all the hugs going around tonight, brings me out of my bad mood a little bit. I went to a dinner with a friend (yay for the Super Bowl, the restaurant was deserted!!) and she cheered me up, even while making me cry in public... argh! Talk about feeling like a 5-year-old!! Basically she told me all I can do now is wait. Wait for my addiction to slack off again so I'm not constantly fighting the cravings, and wait for BF to calm down and start to miss me. In the meantime, I better start hitting the gym because in the absence of alcohol and drugs I seem to have developed a taste for ice cream.

lunarise

Oh Gneiss I'm glad you had a fabulish dinner! Sounds like you got some loving advice, I may indeed use it myself lol I am going to try to do the gym tomorrow.....I have rediscovered chocolate !!! and one and two and one and two.....Wow I already lost 1/16 of a pound just typing....hehehe
Feel even better.....:ghug3

Ananda

nap didn't work out...i'm exhausted

gneiss

What's the report about, and what level classes are you writing for, ananda?

Ananda

its a financial report (i'm office mgr acct at a university)

I put myself in this hole. it'l be over one way or another in the morning....

gotta get past feeling sorry for myself...tht doesn't get the job done

thanks for caring and posting....it's nice to have people be kind.

gneiss

Ew. That sounds too much like work. Blah.

I put myself in a lot of holes work- and school-wise. I have a bad procrastination problem, always have. Probably always will. I usually do ANYTHING else before what I actually need to get done. Meh.

spark42

Checking in... We have snow, hurrah! Looks like a xmas card outside! I love the snow, makes me feel like i'm a little kid again.

Hope you're all doing ok, monday mornings eh? I'm going to grab a cup of tea and sort out some letters today.

:ghug