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Getting close, pulling away

Old 10-16-2008, 07:39 PM
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Getting close, pulling away

I see myself doing a lot of that lately. In this forum, and in my f2f life... and it's a trend, I've been that way for as long as I can remember. I think it's just sticking out to me now because the support of friends is one of very few things I have going for me at this point.

Why do I do that? It's like this fear kicks in and after a few days of regularly interacting I retreat into myself. I don't even want to leave my house. Then once I feel so lonely I'm going out of my mind, I have to start this slow, painful reconnecting to people who are probably thinking :wtf2 I just disappear. Usually after I feel vulnerable. I think, congratulations, good job me! And then I can't take anymore and I run. It's driving me crazy. I want to be a dependable person and I'm not acting like one, I'm not being dependable.

I wanted to post this as an apology to my SR friends who I beat a hasty retreat from, and also hoping someone can help me figure out wtf is going on? Anybody do anything similar and straighten themself out? I want to be a good friend and when it comes down to it, I don't know if I have the capacity.
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Old 10-16-2008, 08:41 PM
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I think that is pretty natural...I grow close and it starts to scare me so i pull away... then once i start to feel safer i will draw close...than back away....

the important thing is to not back away too far and keep coming back SS. you aren't being irrisponsible or bad or anything. We are all here for you and you have helped all of us many times.

I consider you a good friend...you're just going through getting sober like all of us and it's a bouncy ride...

please don't feel critical of yourself...you are doing great!
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Old 10-16-2008, 09:01 PM
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I don't even floss dependably anymore. Oh well, I guess like everything else, I'll start it tonight, and continue one day at a time. I need to feel like I can do something regularly. Staying dry doesn't count because it's a negative- NOT doing something regularly as opposed to starting a new, healthy habit.

Thanks, Ananda... The thank-you button did not feel sufficient
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Old 10-17-2008, 09:17 AM
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I do this same thing. I posted on here a lot for a few days and now I haven't been checking in as much. Part of that is I was out up to no good the other night and I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't keep my promise to myself, proclaimed in SR, that I wouldn't drink or do drugs. It's a bumpy ride. I think it's a good thing that generally the sober times are getting longer and the drinking and drugging is slowly losing emphasis.

But even when I am not drinking I don't want to get involved with new people, and my current friends are being ignored a little bit. A couple friends and I made plans to attend a concert next week but I'm already getting anxious about being out with people I don't normally hang out with, and the silly thing is that these people have been my friends for a while.
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Old 10-17-2008, 11:25 AM
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Its normal. Drinking and drugging hide our emotions. Suddenly we are in a situation where we will be around others who are feeling. It may only be laughter at a movie, or sadness over a job situation yet being called on these feelings is something we have hidden from for a long time. So what happens...we get anxious. And then you have a new feeling that you have hidden from.

I learned from some friends in SMART that this is totally normal. I have found in my personal experience that the best way to stop these feelings is to slowly renter society. Then my new experiences will be a replacement for my anxiety next time I go out with friends.
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Old 10-17-2008, 12:04 PM
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I've never been a people person on the best days, but this has become way worse lately and I'm glad to know this is normal. Meeting new people is practically torture, I get so much anxiety about it.

Last night I watched a movie with my best friend and 2 people I have only met in passing a couple of times. The movie was a horror flick anyway, but made even worse because it played directly on things that I went through as a teenager and I had some trouble watching it. But, even worse was that I was extremely uncomfortable with these new people watching the movie, I wouldn't even look at them when they talked to me. Eventually I moved to the other end of the couch so I was only sitting next to my best friend and I didn't have to really interact with them at all.

New people can be so nerve-wracking!
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Old 10-17-2008, 10:26 PM
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I worked hard on reaching out to 3 people today: my sponsor, the AA friend who I think you could say 12-stepped me, and a school friend I really trust and enjoy. I also forced myself to go out for food after the meeting tonight, which was exhausting ( small talk with new people!!) but more happy than stressful.

Lord, how have I gotten to be this old with such puny social skills?! Oh yeah, that's right, I crutched along with alcohol and felt lonely.
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Old 10-18-2008, 04:12 AM
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Shoot, SS...I was beginning to wonder if I said something to p!ss you off.

You do what it is you have to do and worry about yourself first. Once you take care of yourself, you can worry about other people.

Probably not good advice from me...I'm currently living under a rock. I don't really have any friends anymore. I'm not saying this to get pity (don't worry...I have family)...it's simply the truth. When I moved a little over a year ago, I left all of my friends (drinking buddies) behind. I didn't really make any friends where I'm at now...well, maybe one, but she has a drug/alcohol problem...I probably shouldn't be hanging out with her so I don't...such a shame, too, because she is a really interesting person. I don't connect with many people...so when I do it hurts to stay away. Why do I always find that people with substance problems are always the people I like associating with? I always have more interesting conversations with them, even when they are not using. Argh!

Anywho, there I go again. This thread isn't about me.

SS, please take care of yourself. Do what you have to do to get better. I like having you around here, but if you need breaks, you need breaks. People can be stressful. :ghug3
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:00 AM
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