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Old 10-07-2008, 06:45 PM
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Consequences

One caught up with me today... big time. I have done a lot of pissing and moaning on SR about a certain paper. It's been this horrendous thing that should have been completed at the end of spring semester, and I got an extension to finish it over the summer. It wasn't finished last spring because I wasn't holding my sh!t together as my drinking and hangovers and not dealing with stress/pressure was all building. Then this summer I completely lost said sh!t, depression ran me over like a freight train, and I hit bottom and started the process of getting sober. (Thanks to this site. )

I came back to school this semester thinking I could finish the paper, maintain sobriety and get the depression dealt with, and carry on with the current coursework. I haven't been able to do it. I did turn the paper in yesterday, but a week past the final deadline the prof and I agreed upon, and I had been so... Ick. I guess part of me had hoped on the deadline she had forgotten. I don't know what I was thinking. I was anxiety ridden and the depression is still kicking my @ss, and I have not been holding it all together. Except my sobriety. I still have that.

The prof has decided that although my work was fine and acceptable, she really can't pass me due to the lack of professionalism my letting the deadline pass showed. So basically I can't progress in my program. I need to request to be allowed to take the class again... meaning leaving for the rest of this semester, coming back in the spring.

I feel numb... so bad I'm blank. I'm just very very sleepy.
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Old 10-07-2008, 07:07 PM
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SS....I'm sorry you are having to deal with this....just because you understand their decision doesn't mean it doesn't hurt (HUG)

It may end up that you are glad that you have less on your plate right now. I hope you get some sleep and be sure to check back in after you wake up!:ghug3
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:44 PM
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I can certainly understand what you are going through.

I've had more than my share of painful school problems.

Don't give up. I had to take some down time from it for a semester and it helped me gain clarity.

Maybe this is a way of giving you an opportunity to focus on getting yourself stronger.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Get some rest now.... *Hugs*
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Old 10-08-2008, 07:42 AM
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I know I don't have the same experience as you, SS, but I did withdraw a couple of times when I was in school to save my GPA. I wasn't going to classes and I was failing everything because I could not function. I didn't know how to handle life (still don't). Somehow I got through it and graduated.

SS, I wish the best for you. You have been such a great contributer here and you have amazing strength I wish I had. Please don't beat yourself up with this...I remember regretting that period of time but knew I could do nothing to change what had happened. I had to accept that and it gave me the strength to finish what I'd started.

I'm sorry I'm probably not helping much...I'm rambling and I don't know what to say. I'm not a good example in this recovery thing, that's for sure. Big hugs.
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Old 10-08-2008, 08:16 AM
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I blew two chances at graduating with a psychology degree. I was down to the stuff I couldn't just absorb in a lecture and spit back out on a test. Just too buzzed or stoned and OCDing too hard to handle any kind of a project. I'm doubting I will ever return at this point. Wish I knew what to say...
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Old 10-08-2008, 08:26 AM
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DK, that's really depressing to hear right now, but I know it comes from a good place. *hug*

Thanks everybody. I feel like my head is stuffed with cotton... also like I am moving through sludge. I need to write that letter.
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Old 10-08-2008, 10:08 AM
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Losing it... I am f!cking losing it. I want to hit something very very badly.
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Old 10-08-2008, 10:18 AM
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SS!!!! :Fall15

Its hard to deal with all the emotions I feel at times....please just let them roll over you like a wave and "float" your way through them!

You have brought so many positives to this site already! I wish i could just wave a wand and make things better or fast forward the tape to a better place for you.

Please know we are all with you, and vent as much as you need to..that might help to let go of all the negative emotion you are feeling rright now

love ya

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Old 10-08-2008, 10:23 AM
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I am so afraid and so sad.

And angry at myself that I did not face my problems a year ago. And really angry at myself for going off my antidepressant last spring and losing my head over the summer so bad. I have screwed up so much and I got better too late. If they let me continue I'll graduate late by who knows how much, even more in debt, and be away from my SO for longer and in this sh!thole state longer, and we wanted to get married next summer. And that's even assuming they let me continue at all.
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Old 10-08-2008, 10:40 AM
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SS....I'm not real big on this one, but it seems to apply in this case...focus the anger you have on the addiction rather on your self personally....I have to give myself the same compassion I would have for a friend with cancer or otehr ilness.

more big hugs and maybe a punching bag or a pillow would help to
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Old 10-08-2008, 11:10 AM
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Aw sweetie, such a tough time right now!! The thing I've realized with schooling is that there's never a "it's too late you can never come back" moment in school. If now isn't the time for you to be able to go, then there's always the spring. School doesn't go away. And if you go back at a time where you have more emotional strength built up, then how can it be a bad thing?? I want to be one of those 80 yr old women that go back and start a career I'd never gotten a chance to do the previous 79 years!
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Old 10-08-2008, 03:13 PM
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I'm sorry I don't know what to say...


To this day I still have dreams that I'm failing in school...that I'm missing classes again...that I'm not going to graduate...Everything worked out, but it still "haunts" me, (although I try not to put much stock in sleeping dreams).

School was so important to me then...



DG is right...school doesn't go away...it took me 7 years to get my Bachelor's...I thought I was a complete failure but I finished...

There is hope. You are a smart person. Whatever happens, you have the intelligence to figure out what you can and want to do next.
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Old 10-09-2008, 10:39 PM
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I shared in a meeting tonight- and didn't realize I felt it until I was saying it- that I am grateful for the decision my prof made, to fail me in her class.

I still can barely believe it, but there it is.

I never, never would have let myself take the time I need to get my head on straight. I would have plowed through this semester until I utterly crashed and burned, and done far more damage. She did the absolute kindest thing she could have done. And it was funny... the way she did it. She said she really didn't want to but felt she just had to. And this is a prof who had shown every inclination before to pass me through and get me out of her class as quickly and painlessly as possible. But she didn't do it this time.

Another thing I can barely believe I'm thinking... that maybe. Oh crap. I have this feeling that there is a benevolent force in the universe. A greater good? Not "god" but... maybe I can call it BF. Best Friend, Benevolent Force.

Because this is such a bad thing that most people around me did not at all think would get to this point. Everyone I talked to thought that this would end with a slap on the wrist, for many reasons. And now that I've had time to sit with it, and with the help of so many supportive people in my life stayed sober and thought about it with a clear head, I can see that it may have saved my life.

Seculars, please don't get spooked! :ghug2
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Old 10-10-2008, 05:14 AM
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SS, you can't spook me.

Now, if I ever saw a ghostie, then maybe...


Okay, I'm not trying to rain on your BF parade, so please don't take what I'm about to say that way at all. Just an observation here ascertained with limited information (In other words, I'm probably wrong): Your professor didn't want to fail you because she probably wants to see you make it (we want you to make it, too)...Do stay in contact with this person if you have a special connection. She will be invaluable down the road if this is the case...

If there is no connection between you and your professor, then of course ignore everything I just said because I don't know what I'm talking about. I just wish I could help, that's all.

Big hugs.
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Old 10-10-2008, 05:41 AM
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Hi SS...I gotta try and make this quick...gotta go to work...

Don't worry some of my best friends believe in gods, BFs and Hps. Explore your thoughts and beliefs with an open mind.

My boss did some tough and apparently uncaring things to me when I was at the end of my drinking (a little different I know), but in the end it was cause she actually wanted me to get better....and she wanted to do what was right for me, the department etc.

Sounds to me like you are seeing the interconection between alot of different things and are finding the path of growth through what is happening in your life...glad you shared at a meeting...that often helps!
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:22 AM
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I am annoyed with myself this morning. I feel like I drunk-posted but I was sober.
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:28 AM
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?
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:32 AM
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Sorry, I guess that was vague I feel uncomfortable with the thoughts I shared.
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:45 AM
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Thank you for sharing what you shared.

Sometimes I wonder myself about those things, to be honest. That's why I usually call myself agnostic, if I have to call myself anything at all. The truth is I don't know the truth and I can't claim anything as such. I don't know the "order" of the universe, if there even is one...and I don't think I'll ever know. That was the hardest thing for me to let go of...the not knowing part, but I'm doing okay. Imagining the possibilities is a fun brain exercise (and a nice diversion from the more crappy aspects of being human).


It never fails to "wow" me every time I look up at the stars.



There are so many unknowns...
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Old 10-10-2008, 06:46 AM
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SS...sorry your feeling uncomfortable

I feel honored that you share this process with us, and if you feel diferently today thats ok too you know!

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