Dealing with life as it is
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Dealing with life as it is
How do you stay connected to others when you are feeling really really in pain?
I am realizing that I am really sliding in a direction where I am likely to drink or just as bad...be absolutely miserable for a long time. I expect that I won't drink out of plain old stuborness for a while, but if I don't learn to deal with this differently, I don't think I will find it worth staying sober indefinately.
I think I am still doing fair at thinking of and helping other people. Being connected is important for me and can get me "out of" the pain temporarily and I need breaks....but I am not really working through the pain so to speak.
How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?
How do you put yourself in a situation to recieve physical hugs and comfort? even baby's need that, I don't think we out grow it.
How do you find people who can comfort you when you are in pain without having to rush to fixing you thier way...or getting past the pain without really dealing with it...sorta just pushing it down and covering it up?
Can I stop caring about my feelings and still care about others and have a good life?
I decided to post here in the hopes I would get some input from a different perspective.
:ghug
Thanks for any secular input.
I am realizing that I am really sliding in a direction where I am likely to drink or just as bad...be absolutely miserable for a long time. I expect that I won't drink out of plain old stuborness for a while, but if I don't learn to deal with this differently, I don't think I will find it worth staying sober indefinately.
I think I am still doing fair at thinking of and helping other people. Being connected is important for me and can get me "out of" the pain temporarily and I need breaks....but I am not really working through the pain so to speak.
How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?
How do you put yourself in a situation to recieve physical hugs and comfort? even baby's need that, I don't think we out grow it.
How do you find people who can comfort you when you are in pain without having to rush to fixing you thier way...or getting past the pain without really dealing with it...sorta just pushing it down and covering it up?
Can I stop caring about my feelings and still care about others and have a good life?
I decided to post here in the hopes I would get some input from a different perspective.
:ghug
Thanks for any secular input.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Strange DN....about 30 minites ago I read a part of "the tao of sobriety" and it talked about how what brings us pleasure also brings us pain and something bout the reading got me in a little bit of a more settled place.
It just seems to me that learning how to deal with these kinds of feelings is a big part of staying sober...just don't drink may only get me so far in it.
I'm not big on "positive thinking" although it does have it's place and I think it's great if it works for someone....but having a more balanced understanding of letting my emotions happen without getting sucked under is going to be key to keeping my addiction at bay.
When I try to shut down to avoid feelings and stuff like that, I start not caring which leads to not caring if I'm not sober and almost like self punishment.
So I'm working on it and will continue....are you ok? Are you finding ways to deal with pain in your life DK? You always have a helpful perspective on things.
It just seems to me that learning how to deal with these kinds of feelings is a big part of staying sober...just don't drink may only get me so far in it.
I'm not big on "positive thinking" although it does have it's place and I think it's great if it works for someone....but having a more balanced understanding of letting my emotions happen without getting sucked under is going to be key to keeping my addiction at bay.
When I try to shut down to avoid feelings and stuff like that, I start not caring which leads to not caring if I'm not sober and almost like self punishment.
So I'm working on it and will continue....are you ok? Are you finding ways to deal with pain in your life DK? You always have a helpful perspective on things.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by ananda 
So I'm working on it and will continue....are you ok? Are you finding ways to deal with pain in your life DK? You always have a helpful perspective on things.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Your post was a tough one…my brain hurts now because I had to rub the remaining functioning cells together to come up with a response. Hopefully this posts alright because I don’t know what I’m doing. 
Here goes:
When I’m in a lot of pain, I have the tendency to push others away…I’m a bit of a loner.
Make it a point to talk to someone EVERYDAY, even if it’s only to talk about the weather. You can make a list of those close to you who you can call when you are in a downward spiral. Reach out enough and others will reach out to you.
Find someone close to you who knows you well. Let that person know ahead of time that you really need to talk seriously. Explain (if you have to) that you aren’t looking for pity and you’re not having a pity party for yourself. I find that this approach doesn’t work well with family. My family members (bless their hearts )will listen for about 20 seconds and then change the subject. I love them anyways. I don’t think they understand depression. Maybe it’s different for you? If I need to open up, I call an old friend.
I hear ya on that one. Even loners like me need hugs on occasion…find some touchy-feely people to hang around and tell them you need a hug. Trust me, you will get one.
That’s a toughie…sometimes it’s so hard to find someone who will listen and be the rock that you need.
Maybe tell someone close to you that you really need to cry/yell/complain/ramble/etc. and that you need that person to ONLY listen. They are out there. They do exist. But you have to find them. Those people are rare gems.
In my opinion, absolutely not. You CAN care about yourself AND care about others simultaneously. You are worth that. You have to believe it. You are a thinking, loving, caring, feeling human being. You will get through this. Happiness is so hard to achieve. Yes, achieve. It has to be worked for. I’m working on it now myself. Thinking of you, ananda.
Here goes:
Originally Posted by ananda
How do you stay connected to others when you are feeling really really in pain?
Make it a point to talk to someone EVERYDAY, even if it’s only to talk about the weather. You can make a list of those close to you who you can call when you are in a downward spiral. Reach out enough and others will reach out to you.
Originally Posted by ananda
How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?
Find someone close to you who knows you well. Let that person know ahead of time that you really need to talk seriously. Explain (if you have to) that you aren’t looking for pity and you’re not having a pity party for yourself. I find that this approach doesn’t work well with family. My family members (bless their hearts
)will listen for about 20 seconds and then change the subject. I love them anyways. I don’t think they understand depression. Maybe it’s different for you? If I need to open up, I call an old friend.
Originally Posted by ananda
How do you put yourself in a situation to recieve physical hugs and comfort? even baby's need that, I don't think we out grow it.
I hear ya on that one. Even loners like me need hugs on occasion…find some touchy-feely people to hang around and tell them you need a hug. Trust me, you will get one.
Originally Posted by ananda
How do you find people who can comfort you when you are in pain without having to rush to fixing you thier way...or getting past the pain without really dealing with it...sorta just pushing it down and covering it up?
That’s a toughie…sometimes it’s so hard to find someone who will listen and be the rock that you need.
Maybe tell someone close to you that you really need to cry/yell/complain/ramble/etc. and that you need that person to ONLY listen. They are out there. They do exist. But you have to find them. Those people are rare gems.
Originally Posted by ananda
Can I stop caring about my feelings and still care about others and have a good life?
In my opinion, absolutely not. You CAN care about yourself AND care about others simultaneously. You are worth that. You have to believe it. You are a thinking, loving, caring, feeling human being. You will get through this. Happiness is so hard to achieve. Yes, achieve. It has to be worked for. I’m working on it now myself. Thinking of you, ananda.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
You've already got some great answers on staying connected...as for this bit
I try and figure out what it is that's going wrong - what's my motivation today for feeling this way - am I missing something? am I angry? envious? jealous? selfish? self centred? am I just not listening, being obdurate and stubborn?
You get the idea.
If no answers come, and sometimes they don't - I'll put it in the 'go away pile' to ferment a bit, and I'll try and focus on what's good in my life....I don't believe in positive affirmations either or the Secret LOL but I am thankful for the good things I have. With what I drank, I might be dead now.
I find meditation helps the introspection too....whether or not you feel that's religious or not is up to you LOL
and lastly - sorry you're struggling Nands. I was gonna say write about it. I'm glad you did :ghug3
You deserve the sober life you have - we all do. Do whatever it takes to keep it, Nands.
D
I am realizing that I am really sliding in a direction where I am likely to drink or just as bad...be absolutely miserable for a long time. I expect that I won't drink out of plain old stuborness for a while, but if I don't learn to deal with this differently, I don't think I will find it worth staying sober indefinately.
I try and figure out what it is that's going wrong - what's my motivation today for feeling this way - am I missing something? am I angry? envious? jealous? selfish? self centred? am I just not listening, being obdurate and stubborn?
You get the idea.
If no answers come, and sometimes they don't - I'll put it in the 'go away pile' to ferment a bit, and I'll try and focus on what's good in my life....I don't believe in positive affirmations either or the Secret LOL but I am thankful for the good things I have. With what I drank, I might be dead now.
I find meditation helps the introspection too....whether or not you feel that's religious or not is up to you LOL
and lastly - sorry you're struggling Nands. I was gonna say write about it. I'm glad you did :ghug3
You deserve the sober life you have - we all do. Do whatever it takes to keep it, Nands.
D
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,886
Originally Posted by ananda
How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Great answers for you Ananda( much more than I could come up with).
Personally I wouldn't look on it as self pity if someone who was good to me told me they were having problems. As you know, you are always very supportive of others, sorry you have been going through a tough patch and I hope you feel better today, take care.
Personally I wouldn't look on it as self pity if someone who was good to me told me they were having problems. As you know, you are always very supportive of others, sorry you have been going through a tough patch and I hope you feel better today, take care.
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