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Dealing with life as it is

Old 08-21-2008, 04:10 PM
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Dealing with life as it is

How do you stay connected to others when you are feeling really really in pain?

I am realizing that I am really sliding in a direction where I am likely to drink or just as bad...be absolutely miserable for a long time. I expect that I won't drink out of plain old stuborness for a while, but if I don't learn to deal with this differently, I don't think I will find it worth staying sober indefinately.

I think I am still doing fair at thinking of and helping other people. Being connected is important for me and can get me "out of" the pain temporarily and I need breaks....but I am not really working through the pain so to speak.

How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?

How do you put yourself in a situation to recieve physical hugs and comfort? even baby's need that, I don't think we out grow it.

How do you find people who can comfort you when you are in pain without having to rush to fixing you thier way...or getting past the pain without really dealing with it...sorta just pushing it down and covering it up?

Can I stop caring about my feelings and still care about others and have a good life?

I decided to post here in the hopes I would get some input from a different perspective.
:ghug
Thanks for any secular input.
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Old 08-21-2008, 06:42 PM
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Dang, that's a tough one. And it certainly applies to my present state of existence.
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Old 08-21-2008, 06:51 PM
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Strange DN....about 30 minites ago I read a part of "the tao of sobriety" and it talked about how what brings us pleasure also brings us pain and something bout the reading got me in a little bit of a more settled place.

It just seems to me that learning how to deal with these kinds of feelings is a big part of staying sober...just don't drink may only get me so far in it.

I'm not big on "positive thinking" although it does have it's place and I think it's great if it works for someone....but having a more balanced understanding of letting my emotions happen without getting sucked under is going to be key to keeping my addiction at bay.

When I try to shut down to avoid feelings and stuff like that, I start not caring which leads to not caring if I'm not sober and almost like self punishment.

So I'm working on it and will continue....are you ok? Are you finding ways to deal with pain in your life DK? You always have a helpful perspective on things.
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by ananda View Post
So I'm working on it and will continue....are you ok? Are you finding ways to deal with pain in your life DK? You always have a helpful perspective on things.
I guess.. I'm not drinking anyway; not really, other than music and hangin' with my dogs; are you freakin' kidding me???
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:05 PM
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actually i think dogs help....a source of unconditional love. My dogs love me drunk or sober....they let me maul them with love.

Sober is good......
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Old 08-22-2008, 04:50 PM
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Your post was a tough oneÖmy brain hurts now because I had to rub the remaining functioning cells together to come up with a response. Hopefully this posts alright because I donít know what Iím doing. Here goes:


Originally Posted by ananda View Post
How do you stay connected to others when you are feeling really really in pain?
When Iím in a lot of pain, I have the tendency to push others awayÖIím a bit of a loner.

Make it a point to talk to someone EVERYDAY, even if itís only to talk about the weather. You can make a list of those close to you who you can call when you are in a downward spiral. Reach out enough and others will reach out to you.


Originally Posted by ananda View Post
How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?

Find someone close to you who knows you well. Let that person know ahead of time that you really need to talk seriously. Explain (if you have to) that you arenít looking for pity and youíre not having a pity party for yourself. I find that this approach doesnít work well with family. My family members (bless their hearts )will listen for about 20 seconds and then change the subject. I love them anyways. I donít think they understand depression. Maybe itís different for you? If I need to open up, I call an old friend.


Originally Posted by ananda View Post
How do you put yourself in a situation to recieve physical hugs and comfort? even baby's need that, I don't think we out grow it.

I hear ya on that one. Even loners like me need hugs on occasionÖfind some touchy-feely people to hang around and tell them you need a hug. Trust me, you will get one.



Originally Posted by ananda View Post
How do you find people who can comfort you when you are in pain without having to rush to fixing you thier way...or getting past the pain without really dealing with it...sorta just pushing it down and covering it up?

Thatís a toughieÖsometimes itís so hard to find someone who will listen and be the rock that you need.

Maybe tell someone close to you that you really need to cry/yell/complain/ramble/etc. and that you need that person to ONLY listen. They are out there. They do exist. But you have to find them. Those people are rare gems.


Originally Posted by ananda View Post
Can I stop caring about my feelings and still care about others and have a good life?

In my opinion, absolutely not. You CAN care about yourself AND care about others simultaneously. You are worth that. You have to believe it. You are a thinking, loving, caring, feeling human being. You will get through this. Happiness is so hard to achieve. Yes, achieve. It has to be worked for. Iím working on it now myself. Thinking of you, ananda.
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Old 08-22-2008, 05:04 PM
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You've already got some great answers on staying connected...as for this bit

I am realizing that I am really sliding in a direction where I am likely to drink or just as bad...be absolutely miserable for a long time. I expect that I won't drink out of plain old stuborness for a while, but if I don't learn to deal with this differently, I don't think I will find it worth staying sober indefinately.

I try and figure out what it is that's going wrong - what's my motivation today for feeling this way - am I missing something? am I angry? envious? jealous? selfish? self centred? am I just not listening, being obdurate and stubborn?

You get the idea.

If no answers come, and sometimes they don't - I'll put it in the 'go away pile' to ferment a bit, and I'll try and focus on what's good in my life....I don't believe in positive affirmations either or the Secret LOL but I am thankful for the good things I have. With what I drank, I might be dead now.

I find meditation helps the introspection too....whether or not you feel that's religious or not is up to you LOL

and lastly - sorry you're struggling Nands. I was gonna say write about it. I'm glad you did :ghug3

You deserve the sober life you have - we all do. Do whatever it takes to keep it, Nands.
D
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Old 08-22-2008, 10:40 PM
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Originally Posted by ananda View Post
How do you effectively communicate to others the pain you are in without it being self pity (I am assuming there are other painful emotions that are not self pity)?
I though I would try to answer this one first. I think what helps me Ananda is to use words that convey my emotions. If anything this helps me be aware of my emotions because I get dissociated from my feelings at times. I bring my emotional state into awareness, with out judging, and then into the awareness of others. I also don't try to explain why I'm feeling like I do, just what I'm feeling. I think if I start explaining why I'm feeling like I do, I'm inviting others to try and fix me. When all I need is some comfort and understanding.
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Old 08-23-2008, 08:17 AM
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WOW....thanks...I'm going to save that to read when I am in trouble next time....not like I think I won't be there again some day.

thx
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Old 08-24-2008, 01:33 AM
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Great answers for you Ananda( much more than I could come up with).
Personally I wouldn't look on it as self pity if someone who was good to me told me they were having problems. As you know, you are always very supportive of others, sorry you have been going through a tough patch and I hope you feel better today, take care.
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