Bamboozle

Hello Everyone. This is my first time posting a thread in this section. I can't believe I just spent 1.5 hours reading through some of the old material...Whew!

I'm just dropping by to say a little about myself. I guess if you'd have to stick a label on me, call me agnostic. I stopped believing in a god before I had a drinking problem. Lack of faith is NOT what led me to drink...it was one small part of NUMEROUS other things.

Being in your early 20's is a drag. I went through so many mental changes in a short period of time I didn't know what to do so I drank. And drank. Now I'm in my late 20's (sober at the moment). I know that AA (or any other group that's organized) won't work for me. I've never been the kind of person who can lay it all out in order and make it happen. I have my own hodge-podge random way of doing things. A part of me wishes I could get it together, but my brain doesn't seem to want to function that way. Anyone else feel as scrambled as I do? Sometimes it's fun taking an unorganized approach to life, but it can get in the way of moving forward at times. I'm trying to become more focused. Trying. Right now I'm happy I yet again have 23 days of sobriety. That's okay for now, but I need to think about moving on with my life so I can do the things I dream about. I keep telling myself that this is the only shot at existence that I have. Once I'm dead, that's it. Game over. I don't want to go out drunk, poor, depressed, and smelly.

doorknob

Welcome, Bamboozle. Holy cow, an hour and a half! It's great to have you here. I'm pushin 40 myself and would sure like to get my self together a bit before I hit that milestone. I would describe myself as a non-theistic agnostic or a weak atheist or just plain secular. So, how have your 23 days been? Anything you'd like to share would be awesome. Feel free to post away!

DK

tesquizito

Hi and welcome Bamboozle,

I'm 35 myself, sure wish I started the road to recovery a long time ago. I feel like I've missed out on a few of my prime years. Congrats on 23 days, and best wishes to you and your sobriety.

Ananda

Hi bambam!

I am 49. I have been sober about a year now. It's great to have another poster to the thread. I benifit greatly from the shares here and in secular 12 step, well I guess from all the threads in one way or another!:ghug2

Bamboozle

Thanks everyone. I'm having a really good day today. I am glad to be alive and living in the moment. One thing that really helps to keep me grounded is music. I bought an ipod recently (really couldn't afford it ) and I have been busy filling it up with my old songs.

I admit it, I'm a Pepsi-a-holic (almost always the diet, non-caffeinated kind). I know...it's so bad for me, but I've been collecting a lot of points since March. So far I'm at 56 free songs from Amazon...and still going. I love it! I don't know what I'd do without my music right now. I'll be really sad when the Pepsi Stuff promotion is over.

Zencat

Oh yea, I know the feeling very well. I have shared in meetings that I do addiction recovery inverted at obtuse angles sideways...lol.

Bamboozle

LOL!

Zencat

My very first meaningful exposure to recovery was in a county run addiction treatment program. I sat with my counselor and we developed a personalized treatment plan. I'll never forget how empowering that felt. That set the stage for what direction I would go in recovery ever since.

Bamboozle

I have a feeling I won't be able to do this alone, even though I'm somewhat of a loner. A huge reason I began to drink and continued to do so was self-medication. LOL, look where that's gotten me today! I can remember going to talk to a psychiatrist when I was still in college. Everything's a little fuzzy upstairs, but that must have been when I realized I had a drinking problem and I needed to do something about all the crap going on it my head. I know this is going to sound really stupid, but after talking to him I got scared off. I asked some questions and he admitted that it could take a long time to find the right drug or drugs to help (By the way, I had been going to therapy sessions before). I thanked him for his time and left.

These days I pretty much keep to myself...I'm working on breaking down the tall wall of separation. If I come to find that I absolutely cannot carry on without alcohol, I will get help. Right now I'm going to see where my depression is at while sober. It's so hard to judge one's true mental state when one is mucked up all the time.

AnthonyV

Bamboozle, I admire your courage to address your drinking and depression in your twenties, don't give up...you will not regret your efforts. I first started looking at my drinking and depression when I was in my 20's, the first time I went into rehab was when I was 25. I would recommend that you if you can see a doctor, psychiatrist or counselor to do so, they can be of help. I also recommend that you check out the different recovery groups, AA, SOS, Smart Recovery. Listen, but also keep a healthy dose of skepticism and remember what has worked for someone else, may not necessarily work for you. There is no "one size fits all" path towards living a happy, sober life. Think about what you hear, meditate (if that's your thing) and eventually you will know what is right for you. And when you feel like you don't know, don't panic...we all face doubts. And be patient and kind, with yourself and with others.

For me it's been a long journey (I'm now 41) and I finally got to a point a few years ago where I realized that I'm going to have to design my own "do it yourself" recovery. But keep in mind this was after 20 years of drinking and learning about alcoholism and depression (I started drinking when I was 18), and I realized that I wasn't going to be happy or find success with the steps, but I still use bits of AA that are helpful (I read a daily mediation from a Hazelton book every morning). I've found useful things in Smart Recovery. This website has been a tool as well (even though I just registered, I've been reading and lurking for a couple of years). I've discussed my alcohol use and depression with my doctors and asked for Campral and Wellbutrin, which they prescribed. I've also spent a lot of time studying alcoholism/depression and nutrition online (google niacin and alcoholism and niacin and depression, also google sugars/carbohydrates and alcoholism--the searches will bring up a wealth of information). There are many other things that I have done to incorporate into my own program, some little like making sure to make my bed every morning and other very important like maintaining contact with friends. And don't ignore your spiritual side, for me that doesn't involve any organized religion, however I've found Buddhism useful in teaching me how to meditate. (I apologize if that offends anyone, because this is the secular section. I do consider myself secular, but I also don't see secular and spiritual as mutually exclusive. To me spiritual is the life force within that allows me to be a conscious being, and to me secular is the rejection of organized religion and dogma).

I apologize for the long post, but that I thank you for allowing me to share some of my experience, strength and hope.