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Old 10-29-2008, 12:00 PM
  # 201 (permalink)  
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DK.....it is time to stop

It is possible for you to stay sober...I know that, but you need to believe in that yourself....please read some of the posts from was it smart or lifeline??? i can't see it from here, but you use to post things from their all the time and read them and get inspiration...
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Old 10-29-2008, 01:27 PM
  # 202 (permalink)  
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Ever since I discovered the alcohol/weed combo at about 15 years old, I've been hooked. It has been my way of coping with life for a long time, but it's clearly not working anymore.
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Old 10-29-2008, 01:55 PM
  # 203 (permalink)  
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Hey Paul,

First off, I apologize that I donít post often. I just donít get this writing on a forum thing very well, and feel that I have less than a pittance to share that would make a difference to someone when it comes to sober living. But I think of all you every time I come to read.

I never kicked this beast, on and off, for as long as you. I just drank for so long, maintaining a shell of normalcy, that it finally caught me at the knees. It does stop working, and itís true that it will kill you, but it isnít pretty long before that last breath. I reached my own point of desperation, and thatís what it took for me.

Once my head cleared (kind of) and my body healed, I realized I was still trapped. Not by alcohol, but by the thoughts that ran amuck in my head. The crazy thoughts, the fearful thoughts, the ďyouíre less thanĒ thoughts. I realized these thoughts drove this pitiful person to drink in the first place, chronically fed the addiction beast, and kept me painfully alone.

Thatís why I started going to AA. If I kept the God/HP issue as a reason not to go, I would have missed out on the people who were thought-driven just like me. It was a common denominator. Trying to do it from reading, self-help and a purely cognitive therapy approach just couldnít cut it for me. I needed to get outside of myself, literally, from the self-imposed isolation. There is nothing wrong with my intellect; I was addicted to alcohol and that makes me pretty much just like everyone else here to one degree or another. I have found strength almost by osmosis by being with others who share the same affliction. Isnít that what this forum is all about? Itís not the only way. But it sure as hell is available and accessible and thatís good enough for me. I havenít ďworkedĒ the program, canít say that I will or wonít. But for today it helps sustain my sanity, and I donít even think about drinking.

We can get off and on the roller coaster a million times; we have so many chances. And itís always a bright, shiny day when we do after the initial shame and remorse fades. Then we do it again. But there does come a time when the illusion that ďit worksĒ stops, the chances run out, the human machinery breaks down from the long-term abuse. Itís not living, really, and an awful way to die.

Now, for me, itís being sober, working on the thought processes and the sanity that matter. I know that permanent abstinence is the only solution and goal. My thoughts might delude me and tell me otherwise, but it's my choice to embrace this, whether from a clear head or face down drowning in my own vomit.

Youíre not working and have a lot of time mucking around in your own head, in a small town, in a small trailer park. Keep reaching out to the bigger world, Paul, itís there. Iím glad you got in to see a therapist. Let us know how it goes tomorrow, and also with the MD.

Rooting for you and a big fat hug,

Donna

P.S. Hi to everyone else -- SS, Ananda, Alera, Zencat, Zendust, Bugs. Miss you, Dee!
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Old 10-29-2008, 02:36 PM
  # 204 (permalink)  
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Donna, I always get a lot out of your posts. You do have a lot to share with us.

DK, I struggled for a very long time until I committed myself to a program. As you know, for me it was SMART Recovery. Until I decided to really work the program, attend online meetings, work the tools daily etc, I was not able to actually enter recovery. I would stay clean for a bit, and then use again. A vicious cycle. I had to learn to change my thinking. Its not enough for me to read and try to apply what I read. I have to work the program.

This is just my personal ESH.
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Old 10-29-2008, 04:18 PM
  # 205 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ananda View Post
DK.....it is time to stop

It is possible for you to stay sober...I know that, but you need to believe in that yourself....please read some of the posts from was it smart or lifeline??? i can't see it from here, but you use to post things from their all the time and read them and get inspiration...
I know I can stay sober. But I have to want to and keep wanting to...

It's LifeRing, Ananda. Thanks for the bumpin' it!
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Old 10-29-2008, 04:52 PM
  # 206 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by desertdonna View Post
First off, I apologize that I donít post often. I just donít get this writing on a forum thing very well, and feel that I have less than a pittance to share that would make a difference to someone when it comes to sober living. But I think of all you every time I come to read.

I never kicked this beast, on and off, for as long as you. I just drank for so long, maintaining a shell of normalcy, that it finally caught me at the knees. It does stop working, and itís true that it will kill you, but it isnít pretty long before that last breath. I reached my own point of desperation, and thatís what it took for me.

Once my head cleared (kind of) and my body healed, I realized I was still trapped. Not by alcohol, but by the thoughts that ran amuck in my head. The crazy thoughts, the fearful thoughts, the ďyouíre less thanĒ thoughts. I realized these thoughts drove this pitiful person to drink in the first place, chronically fed the addiction beast, and kept me painfully alone.

Thatís why I started going to AA. If I kept the God/HP issue as a reason not to go, I would have missed out on the people who were thought-driven just like me. It was a common denominator. Trying to do it from reading, self-help and a purely cognitive therapy approach just couldnít cut it for me. I needed to get outside of myself, literally, from the self-imposed isolation. There is nothing wrong with my intellect; I was addicted to alcohol and that makes me pretty much just like everyone else here to one degree or another. I have found strength almost by osmosis by being with others who share the same affliction. Isnít that what this forum is all about? Itís not the only way. But it sure as hell is available and accessible and thatís good enough for me. I havenít ďworkedĒ the program, canít say that I will or wonít. But for today it helps sustain my sanity, and I donít even think about drinking.

We can get off and on the roller coaster a million times; we have so many chances. And itís always a bright, shiny day when we do after the initial shame and remorse fades. Then we do it again. But there does come a time when the illusion that ďit worksĒ stops, the chances run out, the human machinery breaks down from the long-term abuse. Itís not living, really, and an awful way to die.

Now, for me, itís being sober, working on the thought processes and the sanity that matter. I know that permanent abstinence is the only solution and goal. My thoughts might delude me and tell me otherwise, but it's my choice to embrace this, whether from a clear head or face down drowning in my own vomit.

Youíre not working and have a lot of time mucking around in your own head, in a small town, in a small trailer park. Keep reaching out to the bigger world, Paul, itís there. Iím glad you got in to see a therapist. Let us know how it goes tomorrow, and also with the MD.

Rooting for you and a big fat hug,

Donna

P.S. Hi to everyone else -- SS, Ananda, Alera, Zencat, Zendust, Bugs. Miss you, Dee!
Aaahh... you don't have to apologize. It's about quality, not quantity.

I still don't know if I could consistantly go to AA. There's actually only one meeting a week here. Online type meetings (secular or otherwise) are really difficult with my OCD, but maybe medication will help a little bit.

I hate being stuck in this town. I do like the people at the counseling center though. I'm glad I finally went. We're gonna go into town tonight, have dinner, then go to karaoke. My gf has stopped in a couple of times on her way back from work, but I haven't sang in a while.

Thanks for the post and the hug!

Paul
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Old 10-30-2008, 05:10 PM
  # 207 (permalink)  
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Well.. I went to karaoke. Didn't drink but didn't sing either. It was really dead and the people that were there probably wouldn't have appreciated my selections. And the KJ's server was down, so I was limited to what he had on his hard drive, and had no way of knowing what was and wasn't there. Kind of a bummer.. but got to listen to my gf and a few others sing.

Saw the med doc today, and I'm starting Paxil tomorrow. I'm hoping it will take the edge off of the OCD, anxiety, and depression, and give me a fighting chance.
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Old 10-30-2008, 05:27 PM
  # 208 (permalink)  
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A couple more pics of my buddies...



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Old 10-30-2008, 05:32 PM
  # 209 (permalink)  
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DK, that's really hopeful, about the doc and the med and stuff. I hope it helps!

Post on. Especially with the pet pics.
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Old 10-30-2008, 06:10 PM
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DK....those dogs are adorable! Mine don't quite get that freindly with each other...

SS...glad to see you bouncing around threads again

I'm a little wired right now....leave for the meeting in about 5 minites...I just know i'll get there too soon and feel awkward since i don't know these people...oh well...sorry a little self centered today
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Old 10-31-2008, 11:50 AM
  # 211 (permalink)  
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Those look like wonderful buddies there, Paul. Not a care in the world. Ahhh.

I hope the meds work a little magic in the synapse department to give you a much-needed boost. Good on you for taking that action.

Ananda, I'm so inspired that you got through your talk at the meeting without flailing yourself in any way. Sometimes when I hear someone talk I find certain moments very funny and will laugh, but no one else does. Is it me, or them? Ha!

Kind thoughts to all,

D
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Old 10-31-2008, 12:32 PM
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DK - you're white and brown buddy looks like a clone of my mom's dog! Wowza.
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Old 11-01-2008, 01:16 PM
  # 213 (permalink)  
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We think she is Pitbull and Red Heeler, but she could be Heinz 57.
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Old 11-01-2008, 05:35 PM
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I hope the Paxil helps as well.

DK, if you have trouble with online type messages, have you considered SMART meetings. They have online meetings where you use your speakers and microphone. I know it has helped quite a few people.
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Old 11-01-2008, 05:37 PM
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Your dogs are beautiful! Isn't it a wonderful thing to have a dog's love? I wouldn't give mine up for a million dollars, no sh!t. They keep me sane and secure when life gets rough.

I'm hoping your new med helps you. Anxiety is a horrible thing. I will keep you in my thoughts.

:ghug3
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Old 11-01-2008, 07:06 PM
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I've been a dog lover since I was a kid. I got that from my mom, along with my love for the mountains. This guy was my faithful companion for 15 years.

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Old 11-02-2008, 06:12 AM
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Aw, what a sweetie!
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Old 11-02-2008, 07:39 PM
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SingSnap | Moments by Farmtown_Flowamatic

SingSnap | Ol' Red by Farmtown_Flowamatic

These are not practiced, I'm just rippin 'em out...

Last edited by doorknob; 11-02-2008 at 08:00 PM.
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Old 11-02-2008, 09:09 PM
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Yeah, Paul! Keep singing. And posting.

The sludge will dissipate.

It's interesting that Eminem's new album will be titled Relapse. I'm looking forward to hearing it.

Hugs,

D
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Old 11-03-2008, 08:31 AM
  # 220 (permalink)  
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I hadn't heard about it, but after reading your post I did some lookin'. Found a 2 minute verse he released on the internet. Have you heard it?
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