hi, guess its my intro
 

been about nine months since i was here at this site, looks like 7/31/07 was when i gave up and went out to the alcohol sea for good. Though i'm still considered a functional alcoholic i would guess. Working. Relatives still talk to me. No friends, no intimate relationship.

Reallly glad this very particular forum still exists here, i can't be religious. It's literally dangerous for me to believe in anything that can't be absolutely proved one hundred percent at all times.

i was in trouble then, and its gotten worse of course, that happens when a person is making absolutely no effort towards doing anything about a drinking problem.

guess i'll list the damage, it's bad, but nothing special, lots of people here at this site have done worse and more will i'm sure. But still its mine and i'm not proud of it and would like it to end.

I've been a twelve pack of beer a night and four or five tins of chewing tobacco a day during this time.

I was doing experimental drug studies also, one of the few good opportunities mental illness brings, if a research center is near by, is helping out with the experimental drugs on their way to fda approval. unfortunately I got kicked out of my last study because my liver enzymes were eight times normal and they were really worried about that, not good they explained to me, and then had to kick me out, organ failure is frowned upon. Crushed me not being able to contribute to science in my own small way that i had been doing. Think that had been my higher purpose till then.

I'm around $11,000 in debt from my nicotine habit and psych meds, i live in new york state, $6 a pack or tin for tobacco and i've been four or five a day. Neither job i work is over $9 an hour for me even though i have been working over 50 hours a week all this time. Entry level jobs are all i can handle mentally.

And last week they decided to close the store i work in. april 2nd, gave us two weeks notice. that place is 32 of my work hours. Said they are guaranteeing jobs for all of us somewhere, but not where or how many hours there.

so i've got to clean this up.

I've read everything from rational recovery to AA. Reading everything, even if i remembered it now, isn't enough. i had hoped it would be but didn't work out that way. Long time ago here i mentioned i think i'll need everything, i thought i was joking then but i wasn't.

Anyway i'll be around trying to sober up, hopefully you'll need me some day as much as i need you. Words in the books wasn't enough unfortunately.

thank you for reading.

Hi msh,
glad to see you back again. Have you spoken to a doctor, apart from the med test thing? I don't know much about the physical side of things, but sounds like your liver's taken a bit of a pounding along the way.

I'm not religious either, but "It's literally dangerous for me to believe in anything that can't be absolutely proved one hundred percent at all times" is setting the bar pretty high for certainty in anything. (Even scientific laws are only provisional - one exception would disprove them forever.)

I just mean that in any recovery - secular, religious, whatever - there's plenty you'll have to just go along with and have faith in, without being totally sure. Faith in yourself, above all.

hang in there, keep posting.
nl

Hi msh...
I too think you should see your doctor. If you feel you need some help with cravings, he or she can prescribe a drug that might help with that. I have found rational recovery reading material to be helpful, plus lots of physical activity. I hope you stick with this...

Take care...

Hi msh, and welcome back.

I'm also a bookworm, but reading everything didn't work for me for very long, either. You can't call a book up when you have cravings! What helped me was making a specific plan that involved getting other people into my recovery...not easy for me, since I'm also a hardcore introvert, but it made a huge difference. Have you tried any face to face groups?

Take care and keep posting!

thanks nolonger, you're right of course, sometimes words come out of me a lot more intense or certain sounding than i mean. Guess i meant i try to stay earthbound as much as possible or my head gets away from me.

thanks nan07-At the last drug study i did they did bloodwork a few days later and it had almost cleared up by then, they still had to let me go though. I'm actually thinking of reading the rational recovery book tonight, its been a long time since i revisited it. Thankful to that one for explaining to me, in a way i could understand, about cravings from what i remember.

thanks yardbird, i haven't been able to do face to face meetings because of my work hours. I looked into AA meetings in my area and none start as late as when i get out of work. I have a lot of trouble waking up in the morning. I think i'm probably going to have to the online meeting route of some kind

thanks again, actually doing ok today considering everything.

msh58, I found a weekend f2f meeting. Only attended a few times, but just knowing it was there really helped. Sometimes half the battle is simply knowing the support is there. I don't like to do online meetings at work even on break, but I use forums as a bit of support.

We have some online meetings here, if you want to check them out. Many are 12 stepped based if that's your bag. Smart Recovery has daily online meetings as well.

Glad to hear you are doing okay.

BTW, I found volunteer work helps me a lot. Just knowing that I have a place to go to keep busy and help people has made it worthwhile for me.

thanks alera, i think i actually joined the smart recovery site at some point. Can't remember if i went to a meeting or not. Would guess it was last year around the time i joined here.

did ok today just relearning and using avrt. only got blindsided once. Depression has been pretty bad today though. clarity of vision isn't nice when standing in a hole. I'm back to work tomorrow. Just glad i didn't screw this day up.

thanks again

Did you ever try the "crash" course on the RR site? I found it to be very helpful.

i think i did nan07, but not completely sure, i think its why i ended up buying the book last year, but i haven't been to that site since then, i'll have to give it a look and see what he's been up to while i've been drowning myself and doing nothing about it these past months.

I got good news today. Thankfully they gave me the store i picked out of what store i would be going to next and the same number of work hours also from the sounds of it. Too, too lucky. So many of my coworkers are going to stores in hellholes. I got the one closest to me. Makes me really want to do this right, having a new beginning there, no longer be a drunk. I have to help close this store, april 2nd is when it closes, but i'm along for the days after that until i start at the new one on the 6th.

I really want to do this right.

thanks again for your post

Hi msh,
good news about your good news. Relax and be kind to yourself these days - they are tough.
nl.

That's great about getting the store of your choice and similar if not the same hours.

WTG!

thanks all, wow did i luck out. today they told everyone where they were going. I'm the only one going to a store where my life won't be threatened.