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Help Needed...

Old 10-06-2007, 03:39 PM
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Help Needed...

Hi all.

I feel so frustrated so I came here to write about something I'm currently experiencing.

Essentially I was in business with two other people. The old saying that Two's Company,Three's A Crowd certainly rang true in this situation. Basically, the two of them started their own little business ventures on the side while neglecting the current uncompleted business venture I had with them. I'm a very honest guy so when these people were neglecting their duties I would try and get the one business partner in particular to complete the project he had helped me spearhead for the past 18 months. This ,I suspect, is one of the reasons for them going off on their own. Honesty does not sit well with the egotistical.

I decided to beat them at their own game and took a future business project of mine elsewhere and luckily I've recruited a far better business partner for this future project. I have recently told them both about this new venture. One was understanding, the other was annoyed about it. I still have a project yet to be completed with the annoyed one so I'm still tied to him in some respects. I was initially quite happy that the other business partner was so gracious about it, but I've since found out that he's as much of a snake-in-the-grass as the other one. Both of them are incredibly selfish and underhand, but unfortunately that's to be expected in the industry I work in which is full of egos and back stabbing. But being someone who is very ethical I still find it hard to understand back stabbing.

Neither of these guys have left me high and dry business wise, I am going to be working with a great new business partner and my prospects are great. However, I just can't shake that feeling of disrespect I feel from them. I've spoken about my feelings being so raw now that I'm sober in a previous thread on this board, and this case is a prime example of that. I can't shake off the anger and feeling of being disrespected that this experience has left me with. I have a great family who I can talk to but this experience just weighs on my chest and I can't let it go. I would usually drink when I felt like this and it would get rid of the feeling, but being sober now I need to come up with a new method of dealing with something like this.

Does anyone have any suggestions, or similar experiences they could share with me?
It would be a great help.
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Old 10-06-2007, 04:15 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Hi...
For me to stay in the serenity of recovery
I must rid myself of negetive thoughts ASAP.

I write out my feeling as tho I am sending a letter.
All the mean things
and ugly names I want to say.
Then I read it until it becomes just plain silly.
The final act is to burn the paper.

I'm pleased to see you are doing well.

Last edited by CarolD; 10-07-2007 at 12:45 PM. Reason: Incorrect Forum
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Old 10-07-2007, 12:28 PM
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Since you posted her in Secular, I assume you are looking for an answer from the viewpoint of a Secular Recovery program. I find the tool from SMART Recovery that work the best in situations like this is the ABC

A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us angry". This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I feel angry about their behavior. They are not making me anything- they are simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is mine, not theirs. This can sound strange at first, but dealing with problematic anger and frustration this way works.

REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else's behavior. The anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way I want them to. If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do. This is a very important element of the equation- reality. They do what they do, and then I/you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while- possibly very upset. It's like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says "Push here to aggravate". Is this a useful response to others' behavior? Probably not.
More here:
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm
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Old 10-07-2007, 07:38 PM
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Hi Swansea24,
Originally Posted by Swansea24 View Post
However, I just can't shake that feeling of disrespect I feel from them. I've spoken about my feelings being so raw now that I'm sober in a previous thread on this board, and this case is a prime example of that. I can't shake off the anger and feeling of being disrespected that this experience has left me with. I have a great family who I can talk to but this experience just weighs on my chest and I can't let it go. I would usually drink when I felt like this and it would get rid of the feeling, but being sober now I need to come up with a new method of dealing with something like this.
I know the feeling you're describing. And i know the method of solving the problem you're describing too. I'm still very new to dealing with this type of confusion in a sober manner.
But i rely on exercise a lot. It's a different method of getting high that works for me.
I feel myself calmed down after a run.

As far as the experience of being disrespected by your ex partners, that's really tough. And since i've been actively seeking out stories about small business, i'm learning how often it really does occur. It's pretty shocking to go into situations valuing one thing (your ethics and reputation) and finding out others value the opposite (winning today's deal at any cost). A similar thing happened to a guy i worked with. He started a business with another guy, and the other guy did very little work to making the business a success. Only my coworker put much effort into making the startup work. Well, as their competitors starting getting the majority of business, the non-ethical partner started making side deals with their competitors to sell their current customers. Then, the unethical one convinced my associate to sell before it's worth nothing. Then, once my associate sold to his ex-partner, the ex-partner sold the business for 3 times as much to the competitors.
After that happend, my coworker was pretty rattled and disillusioned, and went looking for a corporate job to figure things out. He's back in the small business world now, smarter than before.

I've also heard some people refuse partnerships anymore, to avoid the risk you're describing.
One quote i heard was "The optimal amount of partners in a business is less than two."

And concerning maintaining your sobriety, you can feel some satisfaction that you're actually dealing with real life problems, in all their complexity. And learning how to fight back or fight a different battle another day, instead of dealing with it in the other not so courageous manner we used to use.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 10-10-2007, 04:43 PM
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Thanks guys! All your messages were a great source of strength for me.
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